Disclaimer: Okay, so this is a popular idea on fanfiction, so I'm not really sure who created it. I got the idea from homeric, a wonderful author who wrote these for King Arthur's Knights. So, I give all idea credit to homeric! Also, I don't own the Newsies. So sad. (tear)
User's Guide and Manuel
to
JACK
Copyright DancinNSinginBoyz Inc.
Creator and Tester: Ophelia Mia Nicely
Description:
Variety: Jack Kelly
Hair Color: Greasy brown-blonde. Color may change when washed. Styling techniques will be told to you by your JACK; listen carefully as he will explain in great detail, and you can stare into his eyes as he does so.
Eye Color: Brown. Deep Brown. Lose yourself in them brown. Soul-searching, depths of my heart, read my emotions brown.
Height: 6'2"
Weight: 179 lbs.
Accessories: Cowboy boots, trousers, black suspenders, white undershirt, grey long sleeve, cute striped vest, smexy cowboy hat, red bandanna, a rope belt that has a tendency to disappear and reappear. Feel free to take off accessories and inspect your JACK to see if he has been properly put together.
WARNING: Do not lose red bandanna, smexy cowboy hat, or cowboy boots. Loss of above items will cause JACK to become sullen and/or revert to Pulitzer's-Prize-Asshole-Scabber Mode. If you do happen to lose above items, please do yourself and the world a favor, and go replace them at your local Goodwill or Dollar Tree.
JACK also comes equipped with a pack of cigarettes, a shaving kit, a ratty jacket for special occasions, a length of rescue rope, and his hundred papes. Please do not become alarmed if JACK requests a hundred papes each morning; this is easily remedied by handing him back his own papes and allowing your JACK to sell them to your neighbors. At the end of the day, return the pennies to your neighbors, and they will give you back the papes so you can repeat your devious process. If your JACK catches onto your scheme, tell him that Pulitzer made you do it, and he will sympathize with you.
If you are an asthmatic, take away JACK's cigarettes and replace them with the candy kind. This way, he is happy because he still looks wonderfully bad-ass, and you don't have to choke to death on noxious fumes.
Even though it is not required, allow your JACK to shave his pristine, godly face as he wishes. You can require that he shaves in front of you, or you can shave him yourself if you wish. Please do not get overzealous as your JACK may flirt with you during this process; we don't want you to irreparably damage your JACK's face.
Introduction:
May I be the first to congratulate you on your fine choice of product! This particular DancinNSinginBoyz Inc. creation is an integral part of our Newsies line; although an older line, the Newsies products continue to be unexpectedly popular amongst teenage girls. So popular that we have once again started producing them; no longer will you have to search eBay like a night vulture or break into eclectic thrift shops! Desist your unlawful activities, cruise down to your local DancinNSinginBoyz outlet and start your legal collection of NEWSIES today!
To be able to nurture, and enjoy your headstrong, handsome, leader-type purchase to the fullest capacity, please read and follow the directions listed in order and precisely. Think of your NEWSIE like a Gremlin, and I'm certain that we will understand one another.
OPERATIONS:
Your JACK is programmed to be insanely charming, a good leader, and street smart. He is marginally intelligent, though that can be improved by purchasing a DAVID to help teach your JACK better etiquette, grammar, and book smarts (though JACK will always hold his fork better than DAVID). Besides being a sex god with a silver tongue, JACK can prove to be useful in other occupations.
WISE ASS:
The JACK product exudes charm and can be quite the little smarty pants. He is fun to have at parties if you wish to entertain guests with his wisecracks, or your JACK can be used to insult others without making them too angry. No one can be angry with that face for too long. Also, you can use JACK to put in a good word with your boss for you if your boss is a female.
WARNING: JACK has a tendency to flirt with every female (or male if you have a slash version) that comes within sight. When venturing outside of your home, do not leave JACK alone in the company of women. It is likely that your model will follow them home like a lost little puppy and play with their 'tomatoes' as he will say if you ever get him back. If this occurs, gather together the products MUSH, DAVID, KID BLINK, BOOTS, LES, and RACETRACK and tell them that they need to go rescue JACK from the Refuge. Hopefully, one of them will eventually bring your JACK product back to you, and you can give him a really good spanking.
CAR SALESMAN:
If you are experiencing money troubles, just employ your JACK at the local car dealership. Tell him that instead of selling papes, he is now selling horseless carts! Yippee! Act very excited and your JACK product will follow your example after being a little suspicious. Just sit back and relax while your JACK rakes in the big bucks by selling broken down cars to unsuspecting, mesmerized customers.
Note: Don't let your JACK drive the cars. Ever. DancinNSinginBoyz Inc. will not cover another incident such as the Louisville Summerset Road pile-up or the New York Broadway disaster again.
STAGE MANAGER:
A drama queen himself, your JACK makes a perfect stage manager. His dancing and singing skill make him ideal for directing musicals. It is strongly suggested that you do not produce Newsies unless you have purchased the entire Newsies line of products. Otherwise, your JACK may become confused and start referring to the actors as 'scabbers'. If this occurs, allow JACK to 'soak' the actors until he reverts back to sweet-cutey mode.
UNDERWEAR MODEL:
This one speaks for itself. Unclothe your JACK, take him down to the local Calvin and Klein and let the photographers have a field day with him. For maximum pleasure, pose your JACK yourself.
Note: JACK comes equipped with tighty-whities, but you may give him boxers or a g-string if you prefer. JACK has no preference and will take your opinion on all clothing matters, unless it interferes with accessories A, B, and C (cowboy boots, smexy cowboy hat, and red bandana).
GANGSTER:
Deck your JACK out in baggy pants, a jersey, and a bit of bling, and KA-ZAM, you've got yourself your own little hoodlum! With his built in street wise feature, JACK is able to fit in with any thugs, muggers, or drug dealers, along with the high-school age villains. If you wish to have your own pet underground gang, allow JACK to gather a team of miscreants and orphans with his Leader Mode, and you can rule the inner city! Also, JACK is undeniably adorable in baggy clothing.
TRIATHLON TRAINING BUDDY:
Did you ever want to run ten miles, bike twenty more, and then swim across the Hudson? Well, your JACK model can help you finally reach your dreams! Early in the morning, wake JACK up from his peaceful, drooling slumber and tell him that SNYDER is on the way. (Actually owning a SNYDER model may increase training efficiency by fifty percent.) This will cause your JACK to spring up from bed, clothed or unclothed, and run out the door. Join him in his little sprint, and he will lead you up stairs, over rooftops, through wrestling rings, anywhere his perfect feet take him!
Note: Before starting training, it is always fun to go to the store and purchase your JACK a training outfit. These often consist of brightly colored Spandex that hug the skin with sheer elasticity that can make a girl scream at the eye candy. This is why you should run in the morning; running during the day may cause a stampede of enthusiastic females to follow after your poor yet pleased JACK.
Troubleshooting and FAQ:
Q: My JACK just mopes around the house and keeps mumbling things about Santa Fe and going out West to join his dead/incarcerated parents. Last week I had to stop him from hopping onto the back of a moving train! What's wrong with him?
A: Your JACK product is stuck in pre-strike mode. If you do not have a DAVID product, it is suggested that you purchase one immediately to remedy this problem. The DAVID product can find injustice in any situation; allow DAVID and JACK to protest against the injustice in the form of a strike. They will rally together any other NEWSIES that you have laying around the house. Do not be alarmed if your house is trashed in the process with picket signs, red paint, and a mess of torn up newspapers. Much singing and dancing will ensue. Enjoy yourself and after the 'strike,' JACK will give up his dream of going to Santa Fe and will be happy at home since he has a family there.
Q: ZOMG, my JACK is unclothing my DAVID and nibbling on his ear! What ARE they doing?! Ewww…
A: You seem to have come under the possession of two very energetic slash models. They are only doing what is normal to them, but if you would like two het models, please return the products to the local DancinNSinginBoyz outlet. Don't freak out so much.
Q: Um, my JACK is sitting at my computer in a three-piece suit and keeps asking if my car comes in black. The other day he was practicing martial arts in the front yard. What is he doing?
A: You lucky dog, you got a BATMAN model! Stop complaining and bask in the mature, chiseled radiance that is the gorgeous Bruce Wayne.
Q: JACK won't stop scaling the sides of my house with his rescue rope! Make him stop!
A: Do you have children? Have you punished them lately? If so, your JACK is only attempting to rescue them from the Refuge. Do not be alarmed; as long as your children protest and feign an injury, JACK will let them alone. He may resort to irrational-anger mode so be careful and don't let him around any SCABBER products you may have laying around. Otherwise, irreparable damage may occur to SCABBER products.
FINAL COMMENTS:
If you keep him in good condition and allow for much physical activity, your JACK will continue to bring you joy and pleasure for a very long time, at least until you find a new obsession. If JACK becomes depressed, it is because you have not obtained the other models in his line, and he misses them. You should go out immediately and purchase the rest of the line! Like Pokemon, you need to catch/collect them all for optimum fun!
NOTE: The SARAH product is optional. You may take her place easily. It is also fun to purchase a SARAH, take the Boyz out to the shooting range, turn the SARAH on, and let your Boyz hone in their bodyguard skills with semi-automatics! This pleases your models and better yet, it pleases you! Since the SARAH model is shallow and does not require much programming (if any), they are relatively cheap, and you can repeat this activity as much as you like at a low cost! Other customers have suggested letting SARAH bungee jump without a bungee, deprogramming her swimming chip and throwing her into a lake, letting her be the Martian while the Boyz are the mad scientists, or, a personal favorite, slow torture with a stapler and cattle prod. All of these are fun activities that your Boyz can enjoy with SARAH! At least she's good for something.