This is my mind. Welcome to it. Credits will follow the main feature. Out-of-character and Self-insert warnings abound. Ranma belongs to the nice folks at Viz Video and to the wonderful, wild, wicked Takahashi Rumiko. Ironclaw belongs to Sanguine Publishing. Please keep your appendages inside the vehicle at all times. Suspend disbelief. This will be strange, stranger than strange, and stranger even than that. Signed reviews and constructive criticism accepted. Flames will be hit with Perdo Ignem spells and fed to the mastiffs.
Ranma-chan In FurA Ranma/Ironclaw crossover from the MadPanda
Part the First
Saotome Ranma, martial artist extraordinaire and bipedal entropy magnet, was in Nerima General Hospital yet again. The immediate cause was multiple bone fractures in his left arm and leg, a major concussion, and an allergic reaction to his breakfast. The actual cause was still a mystery. There were so many possibilities from which one might choose. Maybe it was the constant wear and tear of his rivals and their belligerent attention. Maybe it was his reluctant fiancée's complete and utter inability to cook edible food. Maybe it was a training accident. Whatever the true underlying cause of his multiple injuries, here he lay, blissed out on painkillers and having the trip of his young life.
This time, he'd been given the really good drugs. He knew this because he was having the most lifelike hallucination he'd ever experienced. It had begun with a truly cool laser-light show out in the hallway, followed by this group of junior high students bursting into his room. All of them were wearing animal masks and stuff, and costumes straight out of this show called Slayers After or something like that. Seriously good happy pills today, you bet. And through the fog in his head, Ranma remembered to marvel at the power of his imagination. He'd certainly never thought of something so detailed and complex before! Why, these illusionary kids were even babbling away in some weird language. Bereft of any good reason not to do so, the Wild Stallion of Nerima relaxed and went with the flow. His was not to question why, his was but to lie here and wonder why…
"Are you sure this is the right room? We were supposed to find a boy. This one's a girl. I mean, see those breasts?" The kid in the wolf mask pointed to Ranma's chest. "Nice, firm, bouncy…very sweet rack, for a hairless ape thing. If I had a taste for other species, I might even drool a little."
"Trust me. This is the right room. Let's get the gate up and get him out of here." That came from a kid with a black fluffy c…ca…feline mask. "And cut the perversions. We're on company time, here."
"But he's a she. You're a married man, so I must assume you know the difference between a man and a woman…" Wolfie again.
"Smart-dray! Lady Rumiko gave us very clear instructions. She's a he. So let's get to it and you can ask her to explain this herself when we get back." Black Fuzzy sounded pretty annoyed.
"Hey, Vincent? How long's that Sleep spell good for?" What was that? A weasel? A ferret? Something like that.
"Long enough, why?" Black Fuzzy again, getting frustrated.
"Oh, it's probably nothing, but I thought I saw someone out there waking up." Weasel shrugged. "Not like we were supposed to make contact with the natives or use magic or anything like that, but…"
"Right. Well, if you'd quit screwing around and help me put up the damn gate, we could be gone before anything else happens! So gimme a hand with this already!" Black Fuzzy used a tone that Ranma had heard before, normally from Elder Cologne. It meant 'just do it or I kick your butt'. He almost felt sorry for the weasel-masked kid.
"Yeah, yeah, okay…"
The Black Fuzzy, Wolfie, and Weasel disappeared around the head of the bed. There was a clinking, clanking, thumping noise that repeated a few times. Then the door swung open again to admit this really small kid in a mouse mask, another larger kid in a white fluffy ca…feline mask, and a larger kid in a moose mask, complete with antlers.
"Husband," White Fuzzy said. "I hope you're almost done. We've got company."
"This is the subject?" Mouse, in monotone.
"Yes, this is the one we were sent to help." White Fuzzy.
"Interesting." Mouse rubbed her hands together in a parody of every evil scientist from every bad monster movie Ranma had ever seen. He almost expected to hear her cackle with glee, and he felt strangely disappointed when she did not.
"I say," and the Moose put in two yen while brandishing a very large, rather impressive battle-axe. Great trip, man. "You are aware that they've got guards here?"
"Yes, I know!" Black Fuzzy's voice. "Almost there…"
"Got it," Wolf and Weasel responded in unison. "Powering up now."
A sickly green glow painted everything in the room. For the first time in several minutes, Ranma felt a vague touch of concern. What now? Oh, wait. This was all just a figment of his imagination, wasn't it? In that case, nothing to worry about.
"Everybody take hold!" Black Fuzzy was obviously in charge around here. Sort of like Doctor Tofu, Ranma thought.
All of the costumed kiddies laid hands on part of his bed and braced themselves.
"On three, heave. One!"
The bed lurched forward, as if these bizarre daydream creatures were actually moving it.
"Two!"
That was, of course, impossible. It was probably really just an earthquake. This couldn't be any more real than, say, a boy turning into a girl, or a man becoming a panda…all right, that was a poor choice of examples.
"Three!"
The world went away, which is terribly cliché but easier than trying to explain the feeling of turning inside-out through five spatial dimensions, being tied into a Moebius loop, and then shaken out like a bed sheet fresh from the clothes dryer.
When Ranma could again feel his brain, in a manner of speaking, he…or, rather, still she, was immediately and acutely aware of three things. First, she was hungry. Very hungry. Very haven't-eaten-in-a-week hungry in a Kasumi's-on-vacation sort of way. Second, she was quite naked under the mostly clean and not quite fresh linen sheets and heavy blanket that were all that stood between her and an indecent exposure charge. Third, this was not her room.
'Cell' would be a more accurate description. It was maybe three meters on a side, and it contained another bed, currently empty, with a small chest at its foot. So logically there was a second chest at the foot of this bed…but Ranma's head decided to use that moment to demonstrate why lying still is often a good thing to do after you've suffered a head injury or two.
So this was not the hospital room. And it was also most certainly in no way, shape, or form the Tendo's guest room. That left only a billion or so more questions that needed answering.
Like this one: why was her face so…long? It didn't feel quite right for some reason, as if something had changed while she was out. She laughed at herself. It came out…different. Why, if she didn't know any better, that might have been a whinny!
Quietly intense voices approached the simple wooden door from the other side. Ranma recognized the two Fuzzy things, and one other…
"You are certain," asked the unfamiliar voice. The speaker was male, possibly older, and quite dignified.
"Yes, my lord, quite certain," said White Fuzzy.
"There is no doubt. I have sent Umbra to Her Excellency with a missive explaining the, uhm, the complication." That was Black Fuzzy. "Surely she will have some idea of what we ought to do with him."
"Vincent, you keep referring to this filly as if she were a colt…"
"My Lord, I have no intention of doing else. Lady Rumiko was most insistent on that point, and I would sooner argue with you than risk her wrath."
"Point taken. Her Ladyship is most intimidating in her wrath. So, very well, in spite of all appearances to the contrary, the girl's a boy. I can accept that whimsical peculiarity."
"And there's the other problem. You recall what we told you of the beings in that strange realm?" White Fuzzy again. "Their appearance and mannerisms?"
"Yes. What of them?"
"I ought to show you. I beg your mercy, My Lord, but have a care not to wake her…"
The door opened and White Fuzzy peeked in.
"Hi," Ranma said. "I'm awake, so you can stop whisperin'."
"Merciful Light!" White Fuzzy gasped and gaped for a second. Then the woman rushed to Ranma's side and felt her forehead. Behind her, Black Fuzzy sidled into the room, followed by some guy in a zebra mask. Both of them, the black furball and zebra-head, were dressed like extras out of that Prince Valiant comic strip that Ranma had seen once over at Daisuke's place.
"She looks a lot like Savuti's little friend, doesn't she?" Zebra nodded to Black Fuzzy. "So what's the problem?"
"My Lord jests, surely," Black Fuzzy frumped. "She was not like this when we found her. She was…quite native, shall we say?"
"A hairless ape-thing? If you insist, but she rather looks like people to me."
"I'm right here, ya know," Ranma grumbled.
Zebra chuckled. "The lass has spirit, I see. A little fire in her belly, eh? Good! Wonderful! Better than excellent, wouldn't you say, Vincent?"
Black Fuzzy sighed. "Of course, Your Grace. Most excellent. I dread to ask why precisely this should be so, but you will tell me in your own time…"
The zebra was no longer paying attention to the cat by his side. He had turned instead to Ranma, looking her over carefully. Without warning, the nobleman pointed at the young martial artist.
"You, there, are you man or a woman?"
"I'm a guy!" Ranma responded, sitting bolt upright and making the usual bold gestures of self-affirmation.
"Excellent!" Zebra turned back to Black Fuzzy. "She…HE will do beautifully. My good lady wife will hit the roof, but then she does that anyway. Now, if you'll kindly explain matters to the poor…boy? I've an argument with a certain bishop to pursue."
"As Your Grace insists." Black Fuzzy frowned and stood out of the way as Zebra exited, stage right.
"Ooo, now he's gone and done it," said White Fuzzy, stamping her paw on the floor. "Poor girl won't know what happened, so she won't. You'd think he'd have learned to leave well enough alone!"
"Excuse me," said Ranma.
"I swear, husband! The next thing you know, His Nobs will expect…oh, I'm sorry, dear. What was it you wanted?"
"Uhm," Ranma cleared her throat softly. "Two things? First, could I get something to eat?"
"Of course, dear! Vincent…"
"I'll send someone up from the kitchens right away," Black Fuzzy nodded and left, closing the door behind him.
"And the second, my dear?'
Here the infamous Saotome Mouth caught up with Ranma. Instead of only a single carefully considered question from the many clamoring for space in his head being politely presented, he blurted out all of them, all at once. "What's going on? Where am I? Who are you people? Why are you all wearing animal masks? Where's Akane? What's wrong with my face? Where's Pops? What do you want with me?"
White Fuzzy gaped at the verbal torrent for a moment and then threw her head back and laughed long and well.
"You are feeling better, I see. Eat, young one, and after that we will see what we can do to help you understand."
"Food first?" Ranma tried and failed to bank the enthusiasm the thought of a full stomach evoked.
"Of course." White Fuzzy sounded amused. "Did they not feed you well where you came from?"
"Well, yeah, but…it feels like I ain't had nothin' in a bit. Like, days?"
The woman nodded.
"You haven't. But we'll mend that soon enough when Vincent returns."
The food arrived, borne on trays carried by the mouse and the Black Fuzzy, whose name was apparently Vincent. Supper proved to be a vegetarian menu with grain and greens predominating. Plain fare, if plentiful, but hunger is the best of all possible sauces and Ranma dug in with gusto. An absent brain cell noted that these people were neither alarmed nor surprised at her appetite.
Finally sated, Ranma thanked the two Fuzzy Persons for the meal. Before she could start her litany of questions again, the White Fuzzy cleared her throat.
"Introductions are in order. I am Sister Moonflower, priestess of the Order of Penitence, also known as S'Allumer. This is my husband, Vincent DeWithers, a magus of some repute. This is his apprentice, Pepper Justinsdottir. You, of course, are Ranma of the clan Saotome, Knight Errant of the Realm of Nerima."
"You…know me?"
"We know of you, son." Black Fuzzy…Vincent…nodded. "And thereby hangs a tale. You are wondering why you are not as you were, yes?"
"Uhm. Yeah?"
"So are we," Pepper the mouse stated flatly. "Some of us more than others."
"Apprentice! Behave!"
"Why? He is a very intriguing specimen. An experiment or two would do so very little harm…"
"Leave the boy alone, Pepper, there's a dear."
"Okay, I'm confused…you know about the, uh, curse?"
"Absolutely, my dear boy! Why, when Lady Rumiko, a very powerful and influential professional acquaintance of mine, took a personal interest in your life and livelihood, she told us a great deal about you: your marital entanglements, the rivalries, your unfortunate condition…the whole sorry, sordid tale of woe."
"She was most concerned that you survive in spite of your numerous adventures," Moonflower nodded firmly. "That's why she cane to us for aid. Oh, of course, as a formality she asked our liege lord to lend us on a case by case basis, but he doesn't know everything about the important work we do."
"His Grace means well," Vincent sighs, "but he does tend to overdo things a little and consider the consequences later."
"If at all," Pepper added very quietly.
"In any case," Vincent shot his apprentice a glare, "here's how this has worked in the past. At certain scheduled times, and also whensoever she directs me, I cast a special ritual that throws a portal between our two planes open for a short time. Once that's done, my wife casts any applicable healing or protective spells on you, and then we let the portal shut. Have you not noticed your unusually high ability to recover from injury?"
"Uh, you lost me right around 'schedule'."
"Now, on this particular occasion, your injuries were sufficiently severe that we had to physically bring you over to our world in order to cast the healing magic that would ensure your complete recovery. We've done this before, of course. Several times, in fact, with nary a hitch. But this time…well, the gate…it, uhm…"
"Slammed shut."
"Thank you, Pepper! I was trying to cushion the blow for him."
"With the obvious effect on your person."
"I was getting to that, girl…"
"And one not so obvious one. You're locked."
"Pepper!"
"I'm locked?"
"Yes. You are likely to remain a girl until we can return you to your proper home."
"Why me?"
"Pepper, will you please be quiet?"
"I have a theory. There is no such thing as a 'Curse of Jyusenkyo' here. As you were a girl when you arrived, so you shall remain until you return to your own plane. There your ability to change from male to female will again be open to you."
"Now, let's not jump to conclusions, Pep…"
"Is my assessment in error, Master? Is this Curse of Jyusenkyo within the realm of our knowledge of Thaumaturgy?"
"No, but…"
"I'm locked?"
"It's only temporary, dear," Moonflower interrupted the three way confusion, patting Ranma's arm. "We will find a way to re-open the gate and send you home again. That is a promise. Though it may take some time, we will return you to your own people."
Ranma whimpered, and Pepper gave the crimson-maned filly something that might possibly be interpreted as a smile. The very act seemed to tax the limits of her emotional range.
"Be of good cheer, sir knight. Think of this as a respite from your normal life. There is little here to compare to the madness you know only too well. No assassins striking over meals owed. No madwomen claiming your hand. Not even that honorless, mannerless, directionless fool who consorts with your ill-arranged bride will find you here."
"Oh, you know about that?" Vincent sounded quite surprised.
"Of course she does," Moonflower frowned at her husband. "I told her about it. Really! Such shameful behavior! Well, it's not my place to judge one way or the other. I am certain that you have a good reason to maintain your promise to him in spite of his lack of chivalrous propriety. But your host's willingness to overlook such dishonor, and the actions of the others…were it my place I would demand an explanation from them, in such rough language as modesty might permit!"
"I thought I carefully excised all mention of such…inappropriate conduct from, uh, Pepper's copy of Lady Rumiko's letters."
"You did," the little mouse nodded, no sign of either smug satisfaction or sarcasm in her features. "There were fascinating gaps in the provided data. I made inquiries."
"She asked me, husband, and I answered her," Moonflower smirked. "And I promise you this, Sir Ranma, she does not at all approve of this Ryoga person."
"I would very much like to meet him," Pepper said. "But for now I must return to my studies. Fare you well, Sir Ranma." With that, the little black-speckled white mouse swept out of the room. Ranma looked back at Moonflower.
"You say she doesn't like Ryoga, but she just said…"
Moonflower held up a paw to interrupt. "She does want to meet him, Ranma. But, look you, my young charge did not say why she wanted to meet him, nor what she intends to do if given the chance."
Ranma thought about this. Gradually the hidden menace in the mouse's quiet, soft, emotionally flat statement became evident. She shuddered, feeling a sudden pang of sympathy for Ryoga.
"Is she always like this?"
"Oh, not at all. She normally cares not a whit for the troubles of others. You seem to have gotten her attention. Perhaps she is upset over the 'blame Ranma' reflex everyone in Nerima seems to have." Moonflower sighed. "Either that or she finds you attractive. It's difficult to tell with her sometimes. For your sake, Sir Ranma, I hope it is the former."
"Yeah, me too. I got enough girls after me already."
"Rest assured, Sir Ranma, you are more than likely safe from that particular problem while you are here. Well, mostly safe…most of the time…from, er, most…well, you know." Moonflower shifted and shot her husband a sidelong glance full of some hidden meaning.
"So long as His Excellency does not do something unfortunate and ill-considered." Vincent pondered this and somberly added, "which is sadly quite like the man, come to think it..."
Moonflower absently patted Ranma's arm.
"His lady wife is of good character and judgment, if perhaps tempestuous of humor. She will not permit him to overstep his bounds too far. She may even intervene if he so much as seems as though he might." But the fluffy white cleric did not sound as sure of this as could be hoped.
"And if Her Excellency does not, the Lady Anarisse certainly will," Vincent nodded solemnly. "Well, my, er, lad…perhaps you'd feel like a little light exercise? I will show you around the castle, if you are up for it."
"Yeah, that'd be cool."
The twenty-yen tour, as Ranma would fondly remember it later, took several hours. There was so much to remember…but it all boiled down to this place, Chateau de Valleronde, with its tiny round keep and its wood-and-earth ramparts, the village just down the hill, and the other tiny village next to the lake. Vincent introduced her to several important villagers—the blacksmith, the innkeeper, the village elders, too many people to remember. They were all mostly friendly enough: they greeted the black cat with respect and gazed at Ranma with open curiosity but without asking questions. She was still getting her mind around the distinct lack of violent challenges when they returned to the Chateau for supper.
"Vincent, I'm going to be here for a while, right?"
"Quite probably, Sir Ranma. Quite probably."
Ranma sighed. "So you're helpin' me get used to stuff, right? Just in case."
"Something like that, yes. And also I thought you'd appreciate not lying around in bed any more. Lady Rumiko seemed sure that you were the active type." The cat chuckled. "We'll get you home soon, good sir knight. In the meantime, rest and heal." One paw patted Ranma's shoulder absently. "Some wounds heal slower, for all that they leave no scars. You've more than your share of those."
"Yeah, well, nothin' I can't handle…"
Vincent chuckled again. "Lad, I've been a married man for fifteen summers or so, a father for fourteen. I'm a master magus in good standing with my order, one of a coterie in the Baron's service, and no stranger to the hardships of campaigning. I know bald-faced bravado when I hear it."
"I can handle it!"
"Not alone, you can't. Anyone who claims otherwise is either mad or dishonest, and possibly both. Now come, let's get you in to supper. We'll discuss this later when we're in better company."
Supper was…different. It was in many ways just like supper at the Tendo's, but in a much bigger room with ten times as many people attending. It was noisy. It was crowded. And it was the first time Ranma got a good look at the Baron's entourage. Most of them were horses, but a few weasels and rhinos were present, along with a single porcupine. The moose, wolf, and weasel from earlier were easy to spot, as were the two cats. Ranma didn't have to look for Pepper: she sat to her right. An older male mouse with ink-stained paws sat to her left; Pepper's father, Justin.
The Baron himself sat at one end of the great hall, flanked on one side by a severely pretty chestnut mare and on the other by a chestnut filly with black zebra-like stripes…the Baroness Bianca and Lady Anarisse, Pepper assured the girl in her soft monotone.
Wait…family dinner, single daughter, and a father who was only too happy to meet Ranma? Alarm bells sounded in the back of Ranma's head, and she started to rise, the better to make her escape. Pepper's paw fell ever so gently onto the scarlet-maned martial artist's shoulder.
"I will not blame you if you go. Alas, fleeing will not prevent this," she said quietly. "His Excellency is stubborn in full and proportionate measure with his folly. But if you remain, perhaps we might together find a way to…avenge your dignity in proper measure, shall I say?"
As Ranma struggled briefly with the very idea of an equal and opposite revenge, the Baron stood and clapped his hands to get everyone's attention.
"I have an announcement to make. We have with us as a guest one Sir Ranma of Nerima, who has traveled from his homeland in the great and mysterious realm of Zhong-guo to be here. Stand up, Sir Ranma, if you would."
With great reluctance, Ranma got to her feet and bowed awkwardly to the room.
"Uhm, hello. I'm Saotome Ranma. Pleased to meet you."
There were a few murmurs among the gathered vassals, but if anyone noted the Baron's persistent use of the male pronoun for an obviously female person, they weren't making a major issue of it. She noted that the chestnut filly at the head table had suddenly relaxed. Ranma felt she could almost predict what the other girl was thinking, right that second: she's a girl, I don't have to worry, not even my father would be that stupid…but the Baroness had leaned forward, regarding Ranma with a critical eye. As the Baron started talking again, Ranma swore she saw a twinkle in the mare's eye.
"If memory serves me aright, the Empire is quite powerful and wealthy. A man could make worse friends, yes? Thus, in the interests of furthering better relations between his people and ours, and with an eye as well firmly fixed upon my beloved daughter's best interests and prospects, we have decided that Sir Ranma and the Lady Anarisse are to wed come the Autumnal Equinox. Isn't that wonderful?"
In the dreadful seconds of stunned silence that followed, as the Baron spread his arms wide and grinned at the shocked assembly, Ranma found herself meeting Anarisse's eyes. With a shrug, Ranma found herself repeating those words that had come to her all too often whenever she met someone new.
"Sorry about this."
And then the hall erupted into furious noise, part celebration and part argument, which frankly came as something of a relief…
To Be Continued
Author's Notes
You saw that last bit coming a mile away, didn't you? It's a well-known fact of the Ranmaverse that the boy never, ever escapes romantic entanglements and the resulting chaos that goes with them.
Why, you ask, why, a thousand times why? Well, Ranma translates roughly as 'crazy horse' or 'wild stallion' among other things. And when Sanguine published Jadeclaw, the 'Oriental Adventures' version of their fine furry fantasy game, they included a sample character named Magnificent Weasel who was a basically an uncursed Ranma. So the idea of dropping poor ol' Ran-chan into Furryland for a vacation just sort of seemed 'logical'. This is what happens when your regular gaming group consists of furry fans who are also anime fans.
Yes, he will eventually get to go home. He might even have reinforcements…anybody want to see what happens when Pepper finally gets her mitts on Ryoga? Heh heh heh.
Incidentally, most of the furry folk in this are former player characters from a number of short-duration Ironclaw games that we've run. That includes the Baron. And yes, his player freely admits that a sudden engagement is indeed something he might pull on his tomboyish daughter and heir designate…