A/N: As mentioned in the summary, this was based off a post I saw on Tumblr. I thought it was so spot on and a really cool connection that I'm not too sure the show would shed light on I figured it couldn't hurt to do a quick one shot of it. I hope you all will enjoy.
I think a change is what I need.
I thought you needed someone you knew you could trust entirely.
I've always been fine on my own.
I thought that you were growing tired of always feeling alone.
These days drag on; I'm losing faith.
The skies overhead were cloudy, a noticeable chill lingering in the air despite the fact that it was springtime. All around it seemed as if the neighborhood were holding in a collective breath, the silence almost piercing as Eli walked along the sidewalk to Degrassi Community School. He wasn't sure why he was going back, perhaps to get closure or make sense of it all.
Sleep had been difficult to come by, damn near impossible to put it bluntly. Each time he would finally succumb to the heaviness of fatigue, he mind would bring about the image of Cam's lifeless body. The sight was unlike anything he had ever seen before and one of which he wasn't likely to ever forget. The boy had been nothing but a stranger to him, the star athlete on the Ice Hounds hockey team, a face in the crowd. But all at once their two worlds collided in the most unfortunate and startling of ways.
His heartbeat picked up as he grew closer to the school, his hands delving in deeper into the confines of his leather jacket. The feelings were too raw, too fresh and vivid but this was something he had to do for himself in order to attempt getting some peace of mind. He could admit he was losing himself since the morning he made the discovery. Every day since had been a battle of mind over matter- Eli always coming out the loser in those cases. He was well aware there wasn't one proper way to cope, unfortunately having gone down a similar road before.
He licked his chapped lips before letting out a deep sigh, the air leaving his lungs briskly as his chest lowered. He could feel his eyes stinging with tears he didn't dare cry, far too wound up to allow those emotions to pass just yet. He had been keeping far too much in- just like the last time he was up against something of this magnitude. He'd made so much progress between then and now but a small part of him knew it was very likely he would revert back to his old ways or perhaps discover new ones.
By some force greater than himself, he somehow managed to make it to the weekend, grateful for the fact that he could avoid the overbearingness of crowded hallways filled with chatter and speculation on what could have caused such a tragedy to befall their school. It was only natural to discuss it but as the person who made the discovery, the constant reminders only kept the image in mind. It was a futile mission to do away with the thought but it certainly didn't make matters easier.
Even now, returning to school on a day when classes weren't even in session made him feel like a bit of a masochist. He wondered if he had finally snapped once and for all. His life had been the furthest thing from easy but he knew he wasn't in too much of a position to complain. While he had his fair share of upsets and downfalls, he had people in his corner who loved and cared for him, who were always at the ready should he need someone to open up to.
He wished more than anything that Cam had that, a sense of security. But the boy was alone at a new school, away from his family and friends back home. Finding his niche couldn't have been too easy, even if he did have his teammates. Nothing could compare to the strong bond of relatives and people you could sincerely be yourself around.
It was far too much to think about, how alone this young boy must have been in his life to truly cut it so short. He was only in grade ten with a promising career in the NHL from what Eli had learned. But nothing could by happiness, a fact he knew all too well.
As he approached the building, Eli could feel his anxiety seeping in. He looked to the stairs he'd come from that day, breakfast in hand to apologize to Clare. He remembered how happy she was that she'd forgiven him for his mistake, how glad he was that his life was finally back in working order.
It made him feel almost selfish when he thought about it though he knew that was being irrational. Life would always continue on after a person passed away but all the same, it seemed so trivial when compared to what Cam was clearly going through.
His hands shook despite his meager efforts to steady them. He swallowed the dry feeling in his throat, his breathing now irregular. No one knew he was out here now, neither his parents nor Clare. Since that day, Eli had more or less shut down and became a hollow version of himself, simply going through the motions. It was hard for him to talk about what he was feeling, each time he tried he would always come up short.
It made him feel terrible for making his parents worry. He'd already put them through enough after Julia's passing: his hoarding, his erratic behavior, crashing his hearse and of course the diagnosis of bipolar disorder that followed soon after. He was a basket case in every sense of the word and the last thing he wanted to do was give them yet another round of it. They barely came out of the fray the first time around. Anything beyond that seemed cruel.
Eli braced himself as he walked through the parking lot, the memories flooding back. He focused on each intake of breath, in through his nostrils and out of his mouth slowly. It felt as if time were standing still as he lamented, preparing himself before returning to the spot where he had first seen Cam.
He stood in place, right in the general area he dropped his items, his blood running cold at the sight. He remembered it far too clearly, his lifeless body sprawled out on the floor of the greenhouse. Had the door not been left open, anyone would have continued on, the discovery then falling on Jake. For as much as Eli was haunted by the sight, it wasn't something he would wish on anyone, least of all a friend.
His eyes closed faintly as he tried in vain to slow down his heart rate. He could feel his pulse quicken beneath his skin, his stomach twisting into knots. He worried that maybe he was going to have an anxiety attack but he fought hard to keep himself in check. Now wasn't the place or time to break down though he had to wonder when it would happen. So far he had been remaining stoic but he knew that façade would eventually crumble, leaving him to have to truly feel the effects of this.
The greenhouse was nothing more than a shed, unassuming and harmless enough yet it was the site of such a horrifying time. It had been a few days and life at Degrassi still hadn't gone back to normal entirely. Spirit Week felt more like an irony when the student body was so down and out but restoring a bit of normalcy was a wise choice in the grand scheme of things. But the dejected mood and outlook of Degrassi's student population and staff as well was present, a prominent constant each day they stepped foot inside the building.
Opening his eyes, Eli steeled himself to take a step closer before freezing. He hadn't noticed someone was sitting on the short steps nearby until he spotted a tuft of blond hair showing through the railing. He wondered who it could have been, their face and body hidden behind the bushes.
He dared to move closer, training his eyes to the right as to avoid having to look at the greenhouse. He knew he couldn't completely block it out but just walking past it was an accomplishment in and of itself.
It was then that he saw her, a small blonde haired girl with glasses, clutching onto the oddest thing. He didn't want to pry or question why she was holding onto a stuffed owl. He felt bad enough for encroaching on her obvious personal space but he couldn't simply leave her there without touching base on the fact that they'd both had the same idea in mind for the day.
She looked up at him and even with her glasses on, Eli could see her red rimmed eyes, bloodshot from a long stint of crying. He thought that he should turn on his heels and leave but he identified her quickly, a soft sigh emitting from his lips. While they were strangers, he knew of her: Adam and Imogen's band mate, little sister of Katie Matlin, a friend to Tristan and Tori- recalling seeing her after rehearsals for Romeo and Jules waiting patiently for them to get out. But now she wore a new title, one he knew she would probably always be known for at Degrassi.
"I was expecting anyone to be here," she spoke, breaking the silence that had fallen between them.
She wiped at her eyes, her glasses pushing up her face slightly as she sniffled. He could see how soaked the edge of her sleeve was and it made Eli curious as to how long she'd been sitting out here, essentially torturing herself.
He remembered after Julia had been killed, how many times he had frequented the very same road where she was struck down. It probably wasn't the healthiest way to cope but it felt like one of the only options for him, to go back to the place where it all happened, where the final moments played out. He hated how much he would conjure up the scenario, imagining her screams and her body splayed on the asphalt and her bike mangled a few feet away.
Clenching his jaw, he pushed that from mind, deciding he only had the mental capacity to deal with one tragic incident at a time.
"Neither did I. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get in your way. I can just go."
"No," she said softly, shaking her head. "It's fine. You can stay."
Eli nodded, his hands falling back into his pockets as he kept his back to the greenhouse. He shivered slightly though he wasn't sure whether to attribute that to the weather or his current location. It all flooded back at once but looking to Maya now was even more painful. It had to be how he looked in the eyes of his parents back when he was fourteen, just as scared, just as lost and broken. While the two had never exchanged so much as a single word to one another, he felt connected to her, linked by devastating comparison.
"I suppose you're sick of hearing this, but I'm really sorry for your loss," he ventured.
She laughed breathlessly, or something that could be likened to it before looking down at the owl in her hands.
"I do get that a lot and I'm still not sure how I'm supposed to respond. 'Thanks' sounds horrible and nothing else even comes to mind. There isn't a handbook on this, a manual on learning how cope after…" she trailed off, a new set of tears streaming down her face.
"If there is one, I sure as hell could have used it," he said bitterly, his hands furling into fists within the confines of his jacket.
Maya peered up at him curiously, unsure of how to gauge his words. If she weren't mistaken, she would think that he knew exactly what she was going through but she doubted anyone else at Degrassi could know what it was like to lose a significant other in the most permanent of ways. But still, his words caught her attention and from his expression, the way his eyes seemed far off and distant now made her wonder if perhaps he was actually speaking from personal experience.
"What do you mean?"
Eli drew in a deep breath and let it out audibly, slipping one hand out of his pocket and running it through his hair. He hated to reflect back on that specific chapter of his life but given the state of things, it was inevitable. He figured it wasn't healthy to bottle up those residual feelings, knowing that they would only fester and worsen over time. Moreover, Maya needed as much comfort as she could get and if he had to dig deep into the skeletons of his closet and bring out memories from the past, he knew they could both benefit from talking it out.
He moved to take a seat on the step beside her, clasping his hands before him as his shoulders hunched over. He didn't look at her as he remained quiet for another beat or two, cracking his knuckles quickly before he decided to just go for it.
"I mean I know how you're feeling, pretty much to a T. Normally I don't like talking about this but…I know how much easier it can be when you feel like you aren't alone."
Maya stayed quiet, dabbing at her eyes once more as she looked over at Eli's frame. His eyes were concentrated at the ground, so focused but she realized how much his hands were shaking. It was a bit unnerving but she didn't rush or prompt him to get the words out and continue.
"When I was your age, I had a girlfriend named Julia. Things were going really well for us for a time until we got into a fight one night. I said things I didn't mean and shouldn't have mentioned but I did, out of spite and anger," he started.
He couldn't keep the tears at bay but he held off on crying as best he could, only one traitor tear skimming down his cheek without much incident.
"Long story short, she left in a hurry after the fight and I was too mad to try and stop or to put my own stupid pride aside and apologize," he said quietly. "That same night, she was struck by a car. Killed instantly. "
He let his words linger between them, his gaze drifting over to Maya who picked absentmindedly at the stuffed toy she had in her hands still. Something in her body language changed as she allowed his confession to sink in. It was strange to think that someone had such a thing in common. No matter how messed up it was when she thought of it, it was actually an odd comfort to know there was someone out there, someone at her very same school had such a startling comparison to her.
"How did you deal? I feel like nothing makes it easier. I can't really talk about it. There's only so many times I can play to try and distract myself but even that reminds me off him," she sobbed.
"Truthfully? I didn't handle her death properly and I seriously hope you can avoid that route. I know, trust me, I know it's not easy to let people in but you have to. Because once you keep all those thoughts locked away, you will drive yourself crazy. The best thing you can do for yourself now is stay close to your friends and family. If you can't talk to them, go to a professional," he implored.
"This sort of thing…it stays with you but that's not to say it won't get easier. Some days will be harder than others but you'll be able to learn how to continue with your life. As cliché as it sounds, death really is a part of life. I'm not saying this will be a walk in the park or that things will suddenly get better all at once. It'll be a process but go about it the healthy way. That's one thing I regret after it happened. I shut down completely and lost myself. I don't want that to happen to you."
Maya tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, biting back on her lower lip as she looked ahead at the greenhouse. She couldn't bring herself to picture what it must have been like to be the one to find him. She looked over at Eli, seeing him in a whole new light. She had to admire his strength though she knew it didn't come easy. He had been through hell and back but somehow he was still able to stand here today. It was something she hoped she could emulate in her own life but that seemed more like a pipe dream, a true aspiration that something that could actually be attainable.
All the same, she knew Eli was right. It would take time but it would be worth it. She had her whole life ahead of her, dreams to pursue. It made her sad to think about all the great things Cam would miss out on. He'd never graduate high school or college. He'd never marry nor have children. He'd never be able to have all those things and then some because he was sick to the point where he truly didn't think it was worth it to continue.
She felt sick to her stomach as she recalled her speech at the vigil. She was sure in the eyes of others she was seen as callous or cold hearted. But as she had learned, it was her way of grieving. Now that she had gotten past the initial stage, she was opening herself up to the true pain she was trying her hardest to bury. She hadn't been ready to face it at first, instead aiming to point the finger because she was so angry and hurt that he would take his life. Had she known just how deep the extent was, she thought maybe she could have been the one to save him
But that was help she wouldn't have been able to offer him. She was only fourteen years old and barely able to understand much of life on her own. But she cared for Cam so deeply that she wanted to save him somehow, to be the shoulder he cried on or ear that would listen to him should he need to vent. But the time for that had come and gone, passing back to a place and time in which it couldn't be retrieved.
"You didn't have to tell me what happened to you but it means a lot to me that you did," she said after a moment, looking at him and meeting his gaze.
"It was the right thing to do. Life works in funny ways but at least now you have one more person you can talk to. If you ever need to hash it out or anything, I'd be there," he promised.
The look of resoluteness in his eyes was undeniable and Maya felt better having him make that vow to her. She knew she would be turning to Eli, this guy that was nothing more than someone she was apparently linked to in some way though their paths never crossed directly. He was absolutely correct. Life was mysterious, unexpected and some of the most powerful connections could be born out of the most tragic of circumstances.