I heard voices murmuring, muddled through all the steel and metal of the newly earthbound Arc. The thud of a boot, heavy. A girl's voice- no, not just a girl, Octavia. It was time. I stood up and took a deep breath suddenly nervous to see Bellamy, to talk to him. I was never nervous around him, but it had been so long. His hair was probably longer, knowing him he had a new scrape or bruise adorning his face. He wasn't going to be the Bellamy I remembered. He lost Gina, a girl I never met, whom he started up with shortly, before she died violently in an explosion in Mount Weather. God, I had been gone for so long. Bellamy was going to be colder, he was on Pike's side, he was angry, he wanted vengeance. So much of that going around.
The door opened with its usual whooshing sound so distinctive of the Arc. Bell's face looked tired, he sighed and was looking at the ground as Octavia waltzed past him. She had a fierce look on her face like they were just arguing and she wasn't backing down. So, not too much had changed during my time away. He looked up at me, surprise and confusion covered his face before it turned to contempt and he looked at Octavia.
"Now I'm done." She said angrily, finishing a conversation I was clearly not a part of, and promptly walked out of the room closing the door behind her. Bellamy turned to watch her leave as the door creaked shut, but then his eyes met mine again. Anger was all I could feel, betrayal was all I could see, and it hurt. It hurt like hell.
"Go easy on Octavia," I said. "I had to beg her to let me into camp." I let out a slight laugh to try to break the tension. Maybe I'd get a signature Bellamy Blake smile and he'd tell me everything was going to be all right. That he was sorry for siding with Pike, that he was just hurt but he's ready to change.
"What are you doing here, Clarke?"
My face fell, I took a breath and cleared my mind. Straight to business, I'm on a mission and Bellamy clearly isn't here to catch up. "We need to talk."
He laughed without humor and smiled with anger. Two things I would've killed for him to do turned into angry actions, directed at me. "You've decided that?" he asked followed by a harsh laugh. "The mighty 'Wanheda', who chose the Grounders over her people. Who turned her back on us when we came to rescue you. Now you want to talk?"
Fine lash out, be angry. If that's what you need Bell. All I need is for you to listen to me, to keep yourself safe. To keep our people safe."I came here to tell you that the Ice Nation has paid a price. Justice has been served for the attack on Mount Weather. I came here to tell you it's over."
"There it is again." He spat with his eyes on the ground and a slight smirk on his lips. He looks at me. I see nothing in his eyes. "Why do you get to decide it's over?"
"We did our part." I say almost whispering.
"We?" Confusion covered his face, I supposed better than no emotion. I thought of Lexa, about her savagely and bravely killing the Ice Queen, sparing Roan's life. Lexa and Bellamy felt like such separate parts of me, it was weird to think about her with him in the room.
"Lexa and I...the Ice Queen is dead. The problem was solved and then you let Pike ruin everything." I said letting my anger get the best of me. People died, innocent Grounders who swore to protect my people. And Bellamy is partly to blame for it. He'd gotten so lost, and been through so much. He needed someone and I wasn't there.
He uncrossed his arms and walked closer to me. "Why are you here Clarke?"
I looked at him deeply hoping to get it through his stubborn head. "Arkadia needs to make things right. Or Lexa and the 12 clans will wipe us out."
He didn't seem fazed. "Let her try." I couldn't believe it and stood there dumbfounded for a second. I cocked my head and leaned in a bit, "Please tell me that going to war is not what you want." I could hear the sadness in my own voice and I knew Bellamy could too as he looked at the ground.
"We've been at war since we landed. At least Pike understands that."
"Pike is the problem! This isn't who you are."
"You're wrong. This is who I've always been. And I let you and Octavia and Kane convince me that we could trust these people when they have shown over and over who they are. And I won't let anyone else die for that mistake." His voice rose and I could hear the passion in it. He'd been through so much, lost so many of our people and took on too much burden. He was out of his mind if he thought every life lost was his fault, and that he could do anything to guarantee the safety of any of us on the ground. But he may very well have been out of his mind.
"Bellamy. I need you. And we don't have much time."
"You need me?"
"Yes, I do. I need the guy who wouldn't let me pull that lever in Mount Weather by myself."
"You left me. You left everyone." To my horror his eyes teared up a bit.
"Bellamy-"
"Enough, Clarke! You're not in charge here. And that's a good thing because people die when you're in charge. You were willing to let a bomb drop on my sister. Then you made a deal with Lexa who left us in Mount Weather to die and forced us to kill everyone who helped us. People who trusted me!" God these words were like knives to my heart. He was in pain and taking it out on me but what was worse was how justified it all was. Every word of it was true. My eyes followed his and welled up with tears as well. I opened my mouth to try to fix it. To use everything I learned, all the books I've read, use anything in my knowledge to fix Bellamy, to fix me and Bellamy.
"I just-" And that was all. So much for all that studying and reading. So much for the rousing speeches I'd given to inspire my people to fight and survive. He turned around and then started to walk away before abruptly stopping. I looked down at the floor and sat on the chair behind me. My legs and whole body too weak to handle holding up my own body at this point. "I'm sorry," My voice cracked slightly. He turned around, eyes red. "I'm sorry for leaving. But I knew I could," my voice cracking more audibly this time, "Because they had you." Bellamy broke eye contact and I couldn't hold it together anymore. I looked down at my lap and sobbed lightly.
I heard him sigh then next thing I knew he was squatting down next to me, holding my hands with both of his, slightly nudging his thumb on my wrist. We looked at each other for a moment that felt so long and it felt like a weight was being lifted off my chest. "I know we can fix this." I said with a smile, tears still brimming my eyes.
Bellamy broke eye contact and looked down, "I'm sorry too." He looked at me once more and I smiled, happy to finally be next to him, on the same side. I needed him, I didn't realize how badly I needed him until I had him back, holding my hand reassuring me that we can do this, together. Like always.
I was about to ask him what he was sorry for but he reached into his pocket and pulled out handcuffs swiftly cuffing me to the chair I was in, then cuffing it to the leg of the table. "Hey, no, Bellamy, no, don't." My voice was thick from tears and my heart was racing with pain and betrayal. He slowly walked away as I tugged and pulled and ripped at the handcuffs. My breathing escalated, my pulse drummed against the metal around my wrist. We had come full circle, Bellamy and I. We started off enemies, two sides of a coin. I cared about getting food, supplies, living through the winter. He cared about protecting us and enjoying our freedom. In the end we realized we both just wanted to keep everyone safe, and everyone was looking at us to do so. Now, I didn't know what we were. The 100 didn't need us anymore- well, however many of them were left. We had adults now thinking they could fix everything. And I'd been in Polis playing politics while Bellamy's been here fighting the people I had been trying to persuade to keep us safe. Everything was falling apart and I needed him. Needed us to be on the same side, to rally up Octavia, Lincoln, Monty, Raven, Jasper, Miller and Harper. I needed back my people and my purpose.
"Bellamy. Please." I wanted my voice to come out strong, commanding. Instead it came out wobbly, choked, and broken. I was the Commander of Death, Wanheda, The Mountainslayer. Yet, when it came to Bellamy I was just Clarke, and I couldn't pretend to be strong, not then.
He stopped before his hand touched the cold silver handle. I saw his shoulders raise and heard him take in a deep breath. This was my chance. "I know you think what you're doing is right. I know you're in pain- trust me I get it. Losing someone-" I took a shaky breath. "Losing someone you care about is hard. You would think because we see so much death it wouldn't be too painful but it is. Maybe because we see so much death we love harder and quicker because we don't know when it'll be our last day, and maybe that's what makes it hurt all the more. All I know is that you and me, we've been in this together for so long. We've been through so much together. We've won battles and we've lost some. We've lost our people and families and our hope. I don't know about you but I'm tired of losing so much. I don't want to lose you too. Bellamy- I can't lose you too. Please. Please take off the handcuffs and talk to me. Yell at me. Tell me I was selfish and I left you and how you should leave me too to make me feel what you felt. Tell me you hate me and that I'm a terrible person. But don't shut me out. Don't turn your back on me and turn me into Pike. You know I'm only doing my best. I'm only doing what I think is right for everybody. To keep everyone safe. To keep you safe" I was spiraling words were tumbling out of my mouth before I could process or filter them. "I let those bombs drop because if Mount Weather knew we evacuated before they hit, they'd know they'd been infiltrated and they'd go looking for you. I've been working with Lexa so that every time you and Pike lead an army on sleeping Grounders who are there to protect us, I can talk to Lexa and beg her not to massacre everyone I care about. So I don't have to stick a knife in any more people I love!"
His back had been turned to me the whole time. He turned around and looked me in the eyes. I wasn't crying anymore but my chest hurt like I had been and my breaths were coming out in pants. He walked over to be slowly and squatted down again. A key appeared in his palm and he stuck it into the lock on my handcuffs and slowly turned it. I put the cuff that was around my wrist on the table, while the other cuff was still attached to it's leg. I grabbed Bellamy's hand and took the key from it, placing it on the cold metal surface with a slight clang.
I let myself really look at him. He was tanner than the last time I saw him. His hair was longer and he had a few cuts and little bruises on his face which I was hoping were from training and not battle. His eyes dilated slightly as he moved his focus from my wrist, slightly red from the cuffs, to my eyes. His free hand went to push some hair from his forehead then to pinch his nose. He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry Clarke. I know that's- that's not who we are. We should be on each other's sides, together, always. We used to be together everyday before the dropship landed. And then even after that we were always on the same side. Fighting the same fight, but lately...it's like we can't see eye to eye."
I rubbed my wrist and took a deep breath glad to be free. "Have we ever really seen eye to eye? We never agreed on anything before the dropship landed. We were constantly bickering and sniping. Even after I made it out of Mount Weather, we still had our differences in how we thought we should get the 47 out." I said smiling thinking about all the time we've spent arguing about how we should do things. "I'll admit, recently it's been different. But that's how we work Bell, you on one side, me on the other. We bring different ideas to the table and work together to make the best one happen." His eyes lit up and he smiled an actual smile. Teeth and all.
"Did you just call me Bell?"
Shoot. Sure I called him 'Bell' in my head a hundred times just never out loud. "It saves time, so what?"
His smile broadened.
"It's just unfair I have no nickname for you. Oh wait yes I do, princess." I rolled my eyes so hard it actually hurt.
"Can't say I missed that one." I was feeling giddy, lighter than I had in days. It was easy to pretend like the weight of the world wasn't on my shoulders when I was with him. "Listen, this doesn't have to be different. We can bring our two sides together and make it work. I can go back to Polis, talk to Lexa. I can convince her not to attack, all I need is for you to do the same with Pike."
"I don't know Clarke, Pike is set on this. He thinks we need to expand, get more land, more food. And he's not wrong."
I was shocked. "Bellamy we just-"
"I know we just talked about this. But Clarke it is what it is. We don't have enough food, and we're constantly surrounded by threats. We need to do what we need to to survive."
"Starting a war is not a way to survive, it's a way to kill and get killed."
"You're right. But what else can we do Clarke?"
"Accept the invitation as the 13th clan. I worked so hard to get us there and we have it in our reach Bellamy. They will protect us, give us food, a society."
He shook his head. "What society? They're savages. We're not like them. We know it, they know it. It'll never work."
"There's no guarantee but it's a better idea than dying fighting a war we can never win!"
Seconds passed, maybe a minute. Bellamy started to pace around the small space, his breaths growing quicker and louder. The room felt so much smaller, the air tighter. I stood up and crossed over to him, touching my hand on his shoulder to make him turn around, a gesture he had done to me countless times. It always seemed to calm me down although I never knew why.
I thought about all the times he had done that. Touched my shoulder, my arms. The way he'd hugged me when we were reunited at Camp Jaha, or when I left him just a few weeks later. The way he hugged me back, moved his face into the crook of my neck, took a deep breath. I thought of how safe and comforted I felt. I remembered the way my stomach dropped slightly and my cheeks warmed. I told myself it was because I missed him, because I thought he was dead or I didn't know when I was going to see him again. I thought about the nights I laid awake wondering if he was alive or dead. I remember the fear that shook me when I thought of a world without Bellamy. I always told myself it was because we were one and the same, despite our differences. He carried the burdens I couldn't bare and vice versa. But what...what if it was more. What if every glance and worried look meant something more. What if every time he was worried about me or defended me or comforted me, he meant something deeper than that. Or what if he didn't and I just wanted him too…?
I inhaled sharply realizing how scary my thoughts were. I mean this was Bellamy, he was always my right hand man. If I was a princess he was my knight. Always there to protect me, listen to me, fight for me. Die for me. Thinking of Bellamy in anyway other than as a confidant or co leader was dangerous. Thinking about caring about anybody more than I had to was dangerous on the ground. But I couldn't help it, how can you? I thought I learned my lesson with Finn, I mean I had been pushing Lexa away for this exact reason. But could I push away Bellamy too? Could I keep up the facade of purely platonic feelings anymore?
My feelings and confusing thoughts didn't matter though, what mattered was a way out because I had a feeling Bellamy was either not going to let me leave, or handcuff me again the second I said something that tipped him off. I needed a distraction.
In the seconds it took me to realize all this Bellamy had turned around at the sound of my sharp breath intake. I was standing much closer to him than I realized and when he whirled around we were so close our noses almost touched. I looked down.
"What's the matter?" He asked with concern and a twinge of sadness.
"What?" It took me a second to think straight. "Oh nothing. I just- realized something."
"Would you like to share it with the class?" He said, his tone light and playful. My favorite type of Bellamy.
I let out a little huff of air, a slight laugh. "It's not important."
He cupped my chin so lightly I didn't notice it at first and he tilted my head till my eyes met his. So slowly, so gently. They were intense, pupils dilated, slightly squinted like he was walking out of his house for the first time on a brightly lit day. Or like he was trying to figure out what was going on in my head. Damn, I thought. He looked so beautiful. I always knew he was attractive, I mean he flaunted it constantly when we first landed. But I never thought of him as beautiful before. I didn't know if I wanted him to know what was going on in my head or not. I was scared of him thinking anything I was thinking so I attempted to lighten the mood. With a smile I quipped, "You never take a break from caring about any of us do you? Even now when you hate my guts you can't help but try to help."
"Clarke," he said with so much intensity I looked up at him. "I could never hate you. Never." his voice was becoming a whisper and I had to lean closer. "How could you think that?"
"To be fair, you seemed pretty upset 5 minutes ago when you handcuffed me to a table." I said lightly with a smile.
"Yeah, well," He murmured. "You pissed me off. You tend to do that a lot. But, you've never made me hate you. Even when-" He swallowed. I realized how close we were standing, how low we were talking. My breath mingled with his, and I hadn't even realized it. We had never been this close before.
"'Even when' what, Bellamy?"
"Even when we first met. I knew who you were, council member's daughter, family friends with the Chancellor. I knew you and you didn't know me, I was just some janitor. A "son of a whore" who had no family because your people floated my mom and locked away my sister, as if it was her fault she was born on some fucked up space station. I wanted to hate you in the beginning, but I could tell you were different than them. Your father had been floated, you knew the pain. And all you wanted to do was survive. You were a fighter, I could see it in every bone of your body, everything you did was to survive and to keep the rest of the 100 alive. I mean, how could I hate that. You were so intense, in every way. I'd never met anyone so intense and yet so beautiful. Maybe it was your intensity that made you so beautiful. Made you shine brighter, fight harder." He was starting to ramble, he was looking at the ground his voice fading with each word.
Everything he was saying was too much for me to handle. I could hear how he really felt about me in his words and I felt the same. I wanted more than anything to tell him how I felt, tell him he wasn't alone. We had been through so much, and how could two people who had experienced everything together, every emotion, every triumph and despair, not feel something? Not fall in love? But I couldn't tell him all that, so I kissed him.
I thought of all that we'd been through and all that we had lost. I thought of every time I had thought I'd lost him and would never see him again. My lips crushed his with these thoughts, but then I thought of nicer thoughts, simpler ones. His lips moved against mine and he moaned in surprise laced with pleasure and suddenly my mind couldn't think of the big bad world out there. It couldn't really think at all. His tongue brushed against my lips and suddenly I was thinking again, but these were very, very bad thoughts. He was close to the wall and he whirled around and pushed me up against it. The act was forceful and aggressive but his touch was gentle and I didn't quite know how that was possible. My bottom and upper back touched the wall but I arched my spine so my chest and stomach could be pressed against his. My hands traveled up his arms until they reached his neck. I let my fingers roam in his hair, one hand rested on his hairline, where his hair met his neck, the other taking in all of his curly dark mess of hair. It was so soft and thick, I wanted to smell it. His hands were on either sides of me, palms pressed against the metal walls. They moved from the wall to my waist and explored my back. One hand went under my shirt as the other moved back to my waist and rested there. His lips were kissing mine so hard it almost hurt, then his breathing slowed, his kisses grew sensual and he moved from my lips to my neck. My mouth was finally able to take a deep breath of air and I leaned against the wall, my own legs unable to support my body on their own. He was murmuring things on my skin but I couldn't comprehend anything but his lips, so warm and soft, on me. I knew I had to settle down, think things through.
"The table." I panted.
In a second he grabbed my legs and wrapped them around his waist as I held onto his neck to keep my balance. I crashed my lips back onto his as he walked us over to the table. My eyes were closed and I all I felt was his lips on mine, my legs around his torso, and his hands holding tightly onto my upper thigh, all as we glided towards the table. He placed me down gently on the hard surface and broke the kiss. He looked at me deeply like he was seeing me completely differently for the first time. Like he was seeing life differently for the first time. I saw hope and happiness and a giddiness I'd never seen in Bellamy before. It hurt me to see how happy he was. "I can't believe this. I really can't believe this. Who would have thought-"
"It's not that unbelievable. We've been at each others side all this time, after all we've been through...it was bound to happen." I kissed his neck and let my hand travel under his shirt feeling the tautness of his back, the cords of muscle. He had really been training- hard. Speaking of hard...I felt him on me. All of him. It was all becoming very real very fast. I needed to use this momentum, needed to distract him. I pulled him close so his hardness rubbed against me and I scooted to the edge of the table, creating friction between us. This action combined with me sucking on his neck made his head fall back, eyes closed. It was a glorious picture, something I would've loved to paint but it wasn't the time to paint.
I went for the key first, grabbed it swiftly and pocketed it. I shifted my body so he couldn't see it was missing.
His head snapped down. I'd been caught I was sure. But he didn't look angry- his eyes were glazed over with lust and his smile was how I'd imagine it would be if he just woke up to a puppy licking his face- tired, lazy, and pure. "Why'd you stop?" I guess I wasn't as good at multitasking as I thought and I forgot to keep kissing his neck as I snatched the key. I smiled back.
"Just wanted to see your face." It wasn't untrue. I loved looking at his face, his tan with little dotted freckles around his nose. His eyes, brown and reflective. He reached a hand up to face and cupped my cheek, the pad of his thumb rubbing up and down it.
"This life is scary and unpredictable and dangerous, but I wouldn't trade it for any other one. Not to be Odysseus traveling the world and scheming Cyclops'. Not to be in some wholesome apple pie family like the Brady Bunch. I wouldn't want any other life if given the opportunity, because then I wouldn't have you, or this crazy messed up life we have."
"You wouldn't take any other life?"
"Nope."
"Not Alexander the Great?"
"Nope."
"Not Brad Pitt?"
"God, no."
"Not Dionysus, he's got a good life, all he does is drink wine, have bacchanals, yell at people."
"That one is very tempting but still, I have to say no. Dionysus, Alexander the Great, and Brad Pitt...what do they all have in common?" He said playfully.
"Not me?"
"Not you." He sighed. I knew our time was ending no matter how badly I didn't want to, I had to get this show on the road. I pulled him closer by the collar of his shirt and leaned in to kiss him. I started off slow, trying to take everything in. The little breaths from his nose, the warmth of his lips, the slight pull of my lips as he kissed and kissed and kissed me. The way my toes curled and my cheeks burned. How I felt so so warm in his arms and was afraid of ever leaving them. Matters progressed and before long the kisses were fast and hard and passionate and I knew it was time. As quickly as possible, once his hand rested next to my tigh and was near the opened handcuff, I snatched it and smacked it against his wrist, locking him into it. I jumped from the table and ran to the wall to support me because I knew my own legs could not. But there was no rush, he wasn't moving. He was only looking at the space I had just occupied moments ago, his hand still in the air where it was previously caressing my face.
"I couldn't risk it." My voice wobbled, I took a step closer to the door and forced myself off the wall. I was suddenly so cold not being in his arms anymore. His hand slowly dropped to the table and he leaned on it, both hands grasping tightly to the corners, elbows bent. He stood like that for a few moments, deadly silent. I heard voices of people milling about the station. Some kid ran by a window outside screaming playfully. I hadn't noticed the noises before.
"What. The hell. Is. This." He didn't say it like a question though, he knew what this was.
"I couldn't risk it." I repeated. He pulled at the handcuff so violently I was scared for a moment it wouldn't hold. He was pissed off. I'd never seen him so angry, not even when fighting Grounders. I wasn't prepared for how it made me feel. "I'm sorry, Bell."
"Don't-" he paused, took a breath to stabilize his voice. "Don't call me that."
"I didn't have a choice, I didn't know if you were going to let me go."
"You couldn't of hit me over the head, knocked me out? Shot me in the leg? ANYTHING," his voice lowered. "You couldn't think of anything other than using my feelings for you...manipulating me into thinking you feel the same, and then locking me up!?"
I didn't know how he could've felt my kisses, the way my heart raced and breaths got shallow- and not known I felt the same way. My plan was never for him to feel like I toyed him along and left him out to dry.
My emotions got the best of me and I kissed him, but I did use that kiss to manipulate him, to trap him. God what is wrong with me why do I keep doing terrible things?
"That wasn't what-"
"I would've let you go, Clarke. You didn't have to whore yourself out just to cuff me." I flinched.
"That wasn't what I was doing, Bellamy. You know me I just-"
"Just what?" he interrupted.
How do I explain this situation. How do I tell him Hey yeah I just handcuffed you to a table after passionately making out with you, but believe it or not it, I really do have feelings for you. Oh, well yes I suppose even though I have feelings for you it doesn't really excuse the fact that I used those feelings as well as yours to trick you.
I had to get into leader mode. I had a mission and I didn't have time for this, for feelings and high school drama. "I just do what I have to to survive."
"I wouldn't of let Pike kill you.." he looked hurt.
"By giving me in, breaking the treaty, and disavowing ourselves as the 13th clan, you'd be just as good as killing me. And everyone else here."
Seconds ticked by. There wasn't a clock in the room but I could hear an internal tick tock in my head as the time between our words elapsed. "Bellamy." He looked up at me and, God, did it hurt. "I really am sorry." I hoped it was enough but knew it couldn't possible be.
I broke eye contact unable to look at him without feeling nauseous about what I did. I turned on my heels and walked quickly out the door, hoping I could make it out unseen.