I promised this nearly two weeks ago, it's completely based on the trailer for 'The Kill List' not the episode its self. I've had major issues writing this and I'm not sure why I just couldn't get their voices – hope it's worked ok. Thanks for reading!
Closing the door behind her Bernie couldn't stop the small gasp that left her lips as she spotted the hastily wrapped bottle she'd dropped in the bin now sitting on Serena's desk.
The woman herself was in her chair, resting her head back her fingers playing with the white ribbon Bernie had placed on her gift trying to cover up the terrible job she'd made with the wrapping paper, who knew wrapping bottles could be so hard.
Since Jason had told her about Serena and Robbie, Bernie had been doing all she could to avoid the other woman, she'd known the moment she had left Holby that things between them would, could never be the same but Serena moving on hadn't crossed her mind. She's hoped with everything she had that their friendship, their relationship was saveable. She'd been wrong so wrong, and now her gift. Something she'd brought at the last minute, something she'd thought might help, that they could drink together, talk and work things out over was sitting there. Mocking her.
"I didn't forget about you," Serena broke the strained silence causing Bernie to realise she'd been stood by the door staring at the wine since she'd entered the room. She wanted to run, so much of her wanted to turn around but couldn't not again. Not yet. "How could I? I also didn't forget that this was your first day back."
"Ok," Bernie's voice was small strained, she didn't know what to say. She never knew what to say not when it came to personal relationships, put a dying person in front of her and she could tell you what was wrong with them and how to fix them without breaking a sweat, without stuttering with no fear. But relationships, those she never knew how to fix, even when she knew what was wrong.
Turning in her chair Serena's eyes moved over Bernie taking in the form she'd missed so much, other than coping with gossip the hardest part of Bernie being away was not being able to look at the other woman. Serena hadn't realised until Bernie wasn't there just how much time she spent gazing at the blonde. How she would seek Bernie out even before they really became friends, she would find herself looking around the carpark and pulses just to see if the other woman was there. It confused her then, it still confused her. Bernie was beautiful, nobody could deny that but there was plenty of beautiful women in Holby so what was it about Berenice Wolfe?
"Bernie," as brown eyes rose to meet her own Serena gave a small smile. "About Robbie."
"No," Bernie closed her eyes at how harsh her tone was, taking a deep breath she shook her head. "It's really none of my business."
Serena tilted her head watching as the other woman took another deep breath, she was going to tell Bernie about Robbie. In her own time, her own way. Once they had, had some time together, once she knew if Bernie would care one way or the other. She'd gotten her answer and it was the one she wanted. Bernie still cared about her, enough to be jealous even if she had no reason to be. No right to be, not really but emotions didn't always follow logic.
"That wasn't how I wanted you to find out." Bernie nodded, her eyes once again on the floor. She didn't want Serena to see her tears, she never likes anyone seeing her tears. "I needed someone to want me."
"I want you." Bernie's head rose quickly and she took a step forward before she even realised what she had said.
"You left me."
"I know," moving across the office Bernie sat on one of the visitors' chairs facing Serena, wetting her lips she clasped her hands together hard enough to turn her knuckles white. "I'm sorry."
Sighing Serena turned her chair away and her fingers once again paying with the white ribbon. "I chose you, even when I didn't know if you would come home, I chose you. Even after you ignored all my emails and texts I still chose you."
Bernie's heart raced in her chest at Serena's words. She couldn't possibly mean what it sounded like. "Serena?"
"I told him, that there was someone else. I told Jason, Raf." She scoffed almost silently. "I told Ric before you even left. I think half the hospital know how I feel about you."
"I tried," Bernie swallowed hard willing herself to get the words right, to get her thoughts out in the open. "Every time I heard from you … it … it," she paused wetting her lips again. "It gave me this moment of hope. Hope that I could come home." She kept her eyes on Serena refusing to look away. "Come home to you. But every time I tried to write a reply I just couldn't. I couldn't find the words, I didn't know how to tell you …" She paused again trying to catch her breath. "I'm sorry. I'm an idiot. Forgive me. I love you. Those aren't the types of things you say in an email." Serena spun around to face Bernie when she heard the other woman's words. "I kept telling myself that it would be easier to speak to you face to face, so could see that what I was saying. That what I was saying was true. That I am so, so sorry."
"Bernie," Serena rolled her chair across the office closer to Bernie and covered the other woman's hands in her own. "I didn't need to hear any of that, not in an email. I just needed to know that you where ok. Especially on bonfire night," Bernie's frown caused Serena to smile, reaching up she gently brushed the blonde's fringe away from her face. "Do you think that I don't know you? Do you think I don't see that on some days a car door slamming shut can make you jump? In fear, not surprise."
"Serena," Bernie tried to lower her head, she hadn't realised anyone had noticed how she sometimes reacted to noises.
Running her fingers down Bernie's cheek to under her chin Serena kept the other woman's face tilted towards her. "I was worried about you. Yes, I was angry, hurt, heartbroken, humiliated. All of that but I was also worried about you. Nobody had heard from you, I asked."
"I'm sorry," uncurling her fingers Bernie took Serena's hands in her own. "I missed you, God I missed you so much. I didn't know how to make it right."
"I don't think you can," she tightened her grip on Bernie's hands. "I don't think we can, I think we have to start again. Try not to mess everything up this time."
"As friends?" Bernie was almost scared of the answer, if that was all Serena wanted then she could do it. She could be a great friend, they had been amazing team and had a friendship like she had never had before but she wanted to more. She wanted to be friends, lovers, partners.
"No," Serena's eyes dropped to Bernie's lips as the other woman's tongue passed over them. "No." Bringing her eyes back up to meet Bernie's she smiled. "I missed you too, I didn't send that message it was Jason but it's true. I missed you, I forgive you and I love you." The look those words caused in Bernie's eyes almost took her breath away. "But it is going to take some time for me to trust you not to leave me again the first-time things get difficult."
"I'll do whatever it takes, whatever you need me to."
"Ok," leaning forward Serena pressed her lips against Bernie's in a gentle kiss. "I need you to promise me something."
"Anything."
Smirking Serena ran the back of her fingers across Bernie's jaw, "careful with that promise." She turned her chair so she could see her desk without letting go off the other woman. "When it comes to Christmas you will get a professional to do your wrapping, yes?"
Laughing Bernie rested her forehead against Serena's shoulder, "I promise." Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes. "I love you."
"I love you too." She pressed her lips to the top of Bernie's head. "I love you too."