AN: This popped into my head and I decided to share the pain. I have a Tiva AU in the works that will eventually see the light of day.
The pain comes and goes. The ebb and flow of the tide.
At first, it is mostly high tide and he's drowning but then Tali laughs and he has a moment of reprieve as he marvels we created this life.
Then, slowly, the stranglehold of grief begins to loosen and he finds that he can take a deep breath without tears stinging his eyes. The pain comes in waves instead, giving him plenty of time with his head above water.
This in itself alarms him - would he forget?
He reads somewhere that the dead never leave as long as they are remembered. Forgetting her becomes his greatest fear. Sure, there's Gibbs and Abby and McGee and even Vance, but he spent the most time with her. He carries the heaviest weight.
And so he holds onto the memories fiercely. Uses them as a life raft when the grief overwhelms.
He remembers their time in sunny southern California. Before everything went to shit.
The way her already honeyed skin glowed in the perpetual sunshine. Her quiet confidence as she read on a lounge chair in that green bikini. Her hair wild in the rented convertible, occasionally whipping him in the face. The disappointment when she wrangled it back into a messy ponytail. Her face tipped up, basking in the sun.
The way her laughter filled the air around them, intoxicated him.
He should have confessed his love then. Likely she wouldn't have believed him. But at least he would have said it before it was too late.
As the pain recedes, regret moves in. It lingers, the way regret does. Leaves that stereotypically bitter taste in his mouth.
There were so many chances he never took. Rule 12 hung over their heads, he told himself countless times.
But it's a lie.
He never had a problem breaking rules before. Rule 12 was an excuse for inaction, to stay safe. Her wild energy scared him as much as it excited him. But more than that, he was scared of the aftermath.
Now regret whispers to him, but what if there never was an aftermath?
The thought haunts him.
Life moves along, even when he's not ready for it.
Especially when he's not ready.
His isn't the first tragedy the world has ever known, nor will it be the last.
For all that, there's no guidebook, and he stumbles, falls, picks himself back up. Helps his daughter - her daughter, their daughter - learn to navigate the world. He learns to balance the memories, the regret, the grief.
The regret lingers. But he embraces it, learns to like the bitterness.
As long as he regrets, he remembers. And as long as he remembers, she never leaves him.
END.