A/N: This story is dedicated to RandyOrton10 :) One of my loyal readers who has supported me from my very first fic and been really awesome. He's always hoped I'd do a Puckurt story and this is one I've been working on the general story line for the last month.
Season 2 AU Set sometime after BIOTA and after the fight with Blaine & Rachel.
TRIGGER WARNING- PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS IF ANY MENTIONS OF SELF HARM MAY TRIGGER YOU. If you do read this anyways? and it triggers you at all? Or anyone reading this who isn't in a good place emotionally. Please don't do anything, go right now and call your best friend, your sibling, your parent, your cousin...even the suicide hotline. But please don't do anything to harm yourself. You are beautiful, you are PERFECT, and you are loved. Whether you know it or not, someone out there cares. Including me, whether I know you or not I'm telling you right now that I CARE if you live or die. I care.
I cant do this anymore.
I just cant, he thought desperately.
A person can only take so much disappointment and rejection before it just becomes too much, before it begins to overwhelm you. Swallows you whole and makes you feel like you are drowning, drowning in this desperate sinking sea of emotional turmoil that you just can't pull yourself out of no matter how hard you try.
It was his own fault really, he'd put so much hope into one person...gripped onto them desperately like a life line hoping they would be enough to keep him from going under.
That's what Blaine had been to him. His life line. His last hope.
But it wasn't his fault he'd let Kurt down was it? Realistically how could he have known? How could he have known that the day they'd met was the day Kurt had decided to end things? How could he have known that the possibility of finding someone...anyone who could understand him...who could love him had been enough to keep Kurt from finally giving up on his life?
He hadn't known how much Kurt had riding on him and their friendship.
Still though...regardless of whether he'd known or not? It didn't make what he'd said okay.
Because nothing would ever make comparing him to the guy who sexually assaulted and threatened to kill him okay.
What had been the point at the end of the day? He'd transferred because he wasn't safe at McKinley, because he didn't fit at McKinley, he wasn't wanted at McKinley.
The problem was...he might be safe now at Dalton...but he still didn't fit. He still wasn't wanted.
He'd gone from the 'endearing spy' to becoming someone that was apparently still just as inappropriate and worthless...and to be honest he wasn't even sure how.
One thing he was sure of though...No matter where he was, he still wasn't good enough. They still wanted him to change. He didn't fit the mold of perfect dapper Dalton student. He didn't fit the mold of straight jock at McKinley.
'Who cares about you buddy?' Rachel had said.
Good question Rachel. Who cares?
No one. He thought. I'm alone and that's all I'll ever be.
and I'm tired of feeling alone.
I'm tired of...feeling anything.
I'm just tired.
"Hummel?"
"Hummel?" I asked carefully taking in the small figure shaking silently with tears running down his face in front of the headstone labeled 'Elizabeth Hummel- Beloved Wife & Mother'
He didn't seem to hear me so I took a step closer and tried to look at his face, in all the time I've known the kid...I'd never seen him cry.
He'd been thrown in dumpsters, spat on, teased and tormented...even had pee balloons thrown at him, but he'd always gotten back up. He'd brushed himself off and held himself high. So what the hell had pushed him to the point where he was laying in the dirt in front of his mother's grave crying?
"Dude...are you okay?" He tried again. Still nothing.
So he took another step closer and kneeled down next to him...and that was when he noticed the blood.
"Shit Hummel! You're fucking bleeding!" He cursed and reached out grabbing the boys wrists and pulling them closer for inspection taking in the blood steadily dripping from one clenched fist. He pried the hand open and a single blade fell to the ground.
"Christ" he whispered yanking his shirt up over his head and tore it in half before hurriedly wrapping the boys wrists as tightly as he could before lifting him into his arms and moving quickly in the direction of his truck.
"Hummel I need you to fucking talk to me okay? I'm freaking out and I need to know if you are hurt anywhere else" he asked and looking down he took in the glassy eyes and dilated pupils and cursed again.
"Fuck...fuck...Kurt what did you take? God Damn it Hummel what the fuck did you take?!" He carefully put the boy into the passenger seat before racing to the other side and pealing out of the parking lot in the direction in the hospital, if a cop even tried to fucking stop him he'd just have to meet him there and arrest him after he got Kurt to the ER because he wasn't stopping to let them pull him over.
Pulling out his phone he dialed 911
"911 what is your emergency?"
"I'm on my way to the hospital, my friend slit his wrists and I think he took something because his eyes are glassy and his pupils are dilated, he's not responding to any communication and he can't stop shaking. I think he's in shock" he rushed out.
After a few more minutes of conversing he was assured there would be medical personnel ready the minute he pulled up and he shoved his phone back into his pocket pulling Kurt into his side.
"I swear to god Kurt if you fucking die on me I'm bringing you back and killing you myself" he whispered trying to ignore the burning in his eyes.
Pulling up to the hospital he barely managed to throw the truck in park before he was pulling Kurt into his arms and throwing the door open not even bothering to take the keys out of the ignition and went sprinting into the ER shouting for help.
From then on things seemed to move at hyper-speed. In no time Kurt was being rushed back and he was being manhandled into a chair in the waiting room after quickly giving out as much personal information he knew about Kurt, a nurse with kind eyes brought him a paper cup of water and told him that she'd let him know if she found anything out and handed him Kurt's personal belongings including his cell phone after he requested it to contact Kurt's family.
He scrolled through the contacts before hitting 'Dad' and put the small device up to his ear.
"Kurt? Where are you kid I've been trying to get a hold of you for an hour, your friend Blaine is here looking for you"
"Mr. Hummel? It's Pu- I mean Noah, Noah Puckerman...I need you to come down to Lima Memorial, it's Kurt" he said as calmly as he was able, though he could practically hear the shakiness in his voice.
"Puckerman? What the hell happened?!" he heard Kurt's dad shout something to who he assumed was either Carole or Finn or even that Bland kid.
"Kurt..he...he.. please just get here as soon as you can this isn't something I want to say over the phone" he pleaded, to be honest he wasn't sure if it was something he could say period. How did you tell someone their son tried to kill themselves?
"I'm on my way" He heard and then the line went dead.
He looked up and the same nurse from earlier was walking towards him with a comforting smile on her face and he quickly stood up and said "How is he?"
"He's stabilized, you got him here just in time, they gave him something to counteract the pills he ingested and stopped the bleeding. He's resting now if you'd like to come sit with him?"
"I umm...his dad is on his way?" he said wondering if he should head back to sit with Kurt or wait till showed up.
"I'll send him back when he gets here, you go sit with your friend sweetheart. You saved his life." she patted his hand and motioned for him to go through the doors giving him the room number.
When he stepped into the room he just stood in the doorway. Staring down at the boy he'd always considered one of the strongest...most bad ass kids he'd ever known...looking small and pale and just...helpless laying there.
He sniffled and tried to remind himself that a real bad ass didn't cry but that didn't stop the tears from slipping down him cheeks as he pulled up a seat next to Kurt's bed and took one of his hands in his to lace their fingers together and press his lips to the knuckles lightly.
"I don't know what brought you here Kurt and I really wish I did...I thought things were better at that prep school you've been going too...I should have made sure though. I should have checked on you, I should have...I don't know...threatened the stuck up prep school kids there that if they ever hurt you I'd kill them. You've always been one of the bravest people I've ever known Kurt...it didn't matter what happened you always held your head high and I've always admired you for that. You're so strong Kurt, and you're perfect...you've always been perfect...you're just so...so good. You're too good for something like this Kurt...You've always been too good. To good for McKinley...to good for Lima...to good for me. I don't know if you remember...but back in second grade we were friends... I didn't always use to be big and tough, it wasn't until middle school I hit my growth spurt. You were the tallest kid in class though, which I guess no one would tell looking at you now. But I remember the day after my dad ran out on us and I came to school crying...Karofsky called me a baby and was teasing me for it, he pushed me down and was telling me that my dad left because I was a sissy boy...and you walked up and just punched him in the face. Then you took my hand and pulled me into the bathroom and helped clean me up and then gave me a big hug and told me that if I didn't have a dad anymore that we could share yours, from that moment we were best friends. At least for the rest of second grade. I don't remember how things changed. How they got so fucked up between us, I let stupid shit like girls and popularity ruin everything and I am so fucking sorry. I should have been there for you, I shouldn't have let anyone pick on you...and I shouldn't have done things to you myself...I know you think it's because you're gay but I've never cared about that, ever. There is nothing wrong with that. I know this will sound pathetic but...I picked on you the most because I was trying to protect you. In the beginning of the year I noticed Karofsky and Azimo had it out for you...so I told them that you were my loser to pick on and they needed to find their own. As long as I picked on you they let me handle the most of it and decide how things went so I could keep it from getting too violent. It wasn't until I joined glee and stopped that they started picking it up again and I should have stepped in. Even if I got thrown back in juvie...I let you down Kurt and I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. But I wont again. I promise. I don't care about my reputation, I don't care what anyone says I'm never letting you out of my sight again. I'm going to be there for you, I'll be the best fucking friend you've ever had. You can push me away as much as you want but I'm not going anywhere dude because you are fucking stuck with me now." he finished holding the hand to his forehead finally letting the emotions he'd been holding back since the minute he'd realized what Kurt had done break free, the utter and complete terror he'd felt along with the desperate relief upon hearing that Kurt would be okay, that he'd gotten him there in time.
"Noah?" he heard a raspy voice and looked up into the confused eyes of a broken boy.
"I'm here Kurt. I'm here" He said trying to smile.
"Where am I?" Kurt asked softly
"Hospital"
Realization seemed to hit Kurt in that moment and he felt the hand in his tense "I-Um...Were you really talking to me just now or did I dream that?"
"I was really talking" he admitted despite the fact that he hadn't really been aware Kurt could hear him during his little speech.
"Oh" Kurt said quietly
"Yea" he said looking down embarrassingly
"Did...did you mean it?" he heard him ask and looked up into guarded eyes and saw that small flicker of hope swirling in their depths.
"Every word" he affirmed giving the hand a squeeze.
He heard Kurt let out a watery laugh and squeeze back. There where quiet for a moment before Kurt spoke up again "I thought you forgot."
Looking at Kurt curiously he said "About what?"
"Second grade."
He let out a small chuckle and shook his head "How could I forget the first best friend I ever had?"
They exchanged a small smile and that's when Kurt felt it. A flicker of hope. A life line dangling right in front of him.
He took it.
A/N: Well, this is the first chapter of my first ever Puckurt story. I have no idea who will be probably be thrown under the bus and bashed yet in this fic but since my targets tend to be Rachel, Blaine and Mercedes? Chances are...they will be involved. But its certainly not limited to them. Some of the ND's I wont be kind to but I will redeem them at some point, as well as some Warblers. They wont be bad guys here. I promise. Protective Niff & Wevid is all I've ever wanted for Kurt while at Dalton.
Go to www. suicidehotlines .com for numbers you can reach no matter where you are from.