Rimmer was sitting in the Wildfire having just come back from a far off galaxy in alternate universe 6375192, he had just saved the beautiful princess of the ancient Riorcan people. Over the many millennia their genetics had mutated through some freak of nature so the entire population just so happened to look like German supermodels.
He hadn't bought the princess back to the ship, although it wasn't because she was unwilling, he shivered to himself at the horrible memory of her father begging him to mate with her as she watched and giggled. Rimmer wouldn't have been sure she could speak if it wasn't for her gossiping to her ladies in waiting, all the while still giggling and gawking at him as if he were the only man worthy of her attention.
He no longer found any joy in women throwing themselves at his feet, they were normally idiotic, barley able to string together more than a few sentences around him. And those who weren't idiots, he didn't want to be with them as Ace, if he couldn't be Arnold then he didn't want them at all. It all got very irritating very quickly, and as time went on he found himself less and less attracted to them.
Although being Ace had been okay for the first few months he had soon grown tired of the façade and the pompous git he was forced to be on a permanent basis. He leaned back in his pilots chair and took the itchy wig off his head.
"Are you alright Arnold?" asked the ships computer, sounding a little concerned.
"Yes, yes," he sighed" I just need a break for a bit", he replied a little tiredly.
"Of course Arnold, I'll alert you in a few hours".
Rimmer often ended up taking a break for a few hours to just act like himself, rather than the smeg head Ace. He didn't like the goit anymore now that he was (in effect) Ace. To his surprise it wasn't the incredibly dangerous work that he minded, despite his cowardice back on the Dwarf. After he'd been through a few near death experiences he found he wasn't scared of dying anymore, ironically it was part of life. It wasn't as if he wanted to die, he had just accepted it as inevitable fairly early on, and from then on he'd found he hadn't cared all that much as he leapt into impossible situations.
He also found that he was much better at on the job thinking than any exam he had ever taken, he actually quite enjoyed the job once he'd let go of his fear. It was just that he would much rather do the work without the idiotic voice and the stupid wig, but he knew that no one would appreciate feeble Arnold coming to the rescue when they expected a smoove and suave Ace.
It was a lonely life, and he missed his own crew more and more. Even though he knew it was a mistake he had briefly looked at going back to his own Starbug (after finding someone to replace him of course). He had travelled back to his own dimension and had discovered that his old crewmates had somehow managed to resurrect Red Dwarf along with its crew. They had found an alternate universe Kochanski, which he was sure Lister was just overjoyed at, and resurrected another Rimmer. He swiftly left again.
Initially he had felt hurt that his friends had moved on so quickly. It was strange to think of them like that after he hadn't allowed himself to for so long, but that's what they were, friends. He knew that he wasn't necessarily their friend, but they were his. Anyway that's what he was there for, to be disliked. Eventually he came to accept that fact, and it had been a large contributing factor to his departure.
He was brought back because David Lister needed someone to keep him sane, and despite what Lister thought, the best way to do so was to challenge him. It would stop him sinking into a low pit of despair that being the last of the human race would do to you. That was the real reason Holly had brought Rimmer back and not one of his friends, although Holly didn't tell Rimmer that to start with. That had been a mistake.
As time had gone on the two had grown closer, and actually started to get on, and their fights had become more of a friendly banter. In the early years there was no Kryten, and Cat was too interested in himself to truly socialise with them. Lister had got a little less disgusting, and Rimmer less uptight. He had come to realise that there was no one to impress anymore and had loosened up. Unless he was just trying to annoy Lister, but then he was pretty sure he had known what Rimmer was doing.
However it was around that time that Holly had spoken to Rimmer.
RLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRL
Holly called Rimmer into the drive room, he hated having to do this but it really was becoming necessary.
Arnold Rimmer sauntered into the room careful not to touch anything for fear of passing through it, it was always a horrible reminder of his less than human state whenever he did so.
He spotted Holly's face on the screen and turned to address him, pulling himself up tall in all his smeg head glory. "What is it Holly, Lister and I were just about to play the locker game, and a few days back I looked on the database and found out which was the captain's secret locker, so I'm in for a shot this time". Rimmer paced the room holding up a finger and strategizing to himself about how best to get Lister to pick the locker with the security system that punched you in the face when opened.
"Rimmer" called Holly over his ramblings trying to get his attention, he didn't hear as he was getting more and more animated.
"Arnold" still he was completely ignored. The fact that Rimmer was obviously so excited to play this silly game with Lister made what he had to do so much harder "ARNOLD" , he stopped dead and turned to Holly.
"What?" asked Rimmer annoyed at the interruption.
Holly hesitated, unsure of how best to break the news. Eventually he came to the conclusion that quickly was the best course of action "Arnold, you and Dave are getting too close" Holly said gently.
"Don't be so ridiculous Holly" he scoffed, evidently finding amusement in what he believed to be a pointless conversation "your computer senility is showing if you think we're close".
"Arnold, I'm being serious I can't allow this closeness", Holly started.
"CLOSE?!" Rimmer interrupted angrily clearly not seeing the funny side as he had a second ago as he realised Holly was serious. "You think I could ever be friends with that…that…"
"Friends, I never said friends" interrupted Holly.
"Well you implied it" Rimmer started off on his tirade again "That overweight, slob could never be my friend, not even if I were surrounded by ferocious man eating wilder-beast and Lister had the only gun could I be close to him! To suggest that I could be friends with that disgrace to the species it's disgusting, my friends are only ever of the highest standard and Dave…"
"Dave?" Holly cut him off again. "Since when do you call him Dave?"
Rimmer paused, Holly could see he'd caught him off guard "well… well…"he started off unsure of himself, "well it's his name isn't it, even if it is a ridiculously common one." Rimmer answered scoffing a little at the end as he regained his confidence.
"Yes but unless I'm much mistaken; only his friends call him Dave?" Holly asked watching for his reaction. Rimmer looked shocked at himself; Holly could see the analysis of his own relationship with Lister going through his head.
Holly knew that despite what he led his crew mates to believe, and despite what his failure academically would suggest Rimmer was not an idiot. In fact when he took an IQ test disguised as an application form for the mining ship he had scored in the top 10% of the crew. However when he took it again, knowing it was an IQ test to get into the engineering apprenticeship programme that he was recommended to join, he had the lowest score in the history of the test. It wasn't actually his intelligence that brought him down; it was his belief that he was going to fail. On that basis Holly knew he was more than capable of realising he had become friends with Lister.
Obviously reaching his conclusion Rimmer turned to face Holly, for once dropping the superior attitude he always carried with him like a mask "Well so what if we've become friends," he said much more quietly than before "what does it matter?"
"Arnold the reason you were bought back, was to keep Dave sane. And the best way to keep him sane is to stop him descending into despair, to give him a reason to live for. To provide some challenge" Holly could see the realisation crossing Rimmer's face.
He took a step back, shocked by what was happening, he breathed in deeply, and sighed, finishing off Holly's sentence at barley more than a whisper "And by becoming friends, I'm not giving him that anymore". Holly watched as several emotions crossed the second technician after the realisation, shock, hurt, pain, and something else he couldn't quite identify.
"I'm so sorry Arnold, but as long as you want him to make it back to earth, and stay motivated to do so. You can't be friends".
Rimmer paused for a moment as he recalled that although Dave had been lot more happy recently when they were together, when he saw him alone he looked miserable with nothing to do and no reason to do it.
"Why" Rimmer started of quietly "WHY?" he shouted beginning to pace again. "Why is it, that as soon as someone, for once, in the whole of my wretched existence, doesn't hate me, it has to be ripped away from me?! What have I done? What could I have possibly done to deserve this?!" Holly watched sadly and he flung his arms about more and more wildly.
"Arnold" he tried to comfort him.
"NO, no you don't get it he's not just my roommate, or my friend," he took a deep breath "He's my… I mean… I'm starting to…" he trailed off. "But I guess that doesn't matter anymore, after all, who would care about a dead man?" he trailed of looking down at the floor. A single silvery glimmer of light rolled down his cheek.
Holly watched as the mask of arrogance slid back over his pained face. She hadn't realised that the two had grown quite that close. She saw everything that happened on the ship and knew nothing like that had happened, but he had no way of knowing exactly how they were feeling.
Rimmer breathed deeply twice and then drew himself up to his full height "I don't even know what was wrong with me, friends with that gimboit? Ha! I must have been going space crazy! Anyway Holly thanks for the heads up, that could have been embarrassing." Rimmer nodded towards the computer screen, Holly nodded back minutely, just a little heartbroken for the vulnerable man she'd seen a minute ago.
"Anyway", Rimmer continued, "must get back to my room, can't be buggering of wasting time, playing games with that smeg head" he scoffed beginning to head towards the door. "Holly, tell me where Da…" he stopped dead in his tracks and all the air seemed to deflate out of him, he took a couple more deep breaths and drew himself up "Where Lister is." He said with resignation.
"In the locker room Arnold" he replied.
"Good", Rimmer said, once again in his most arrogant voice. "I'll go fetch him and put him to work" he marched out of the room. Down the corridor growing faintly Holly heard the hologram murmuring to himself "I'll have to get out of that ridiculous habit of first names though"
Holly stayed on the monitor he was on for a second deeply regretting his decision, but it was for Lister, and he couldn't see another way out of it.
Shortly after that Kryten joined the crew, and Lister was soon distracted from his once friend pulling away from him. Even though Holly saw the hurt expression on his face for the years after, whenever Rimmer would do something that showed the separation.
RLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRL
Rimmer reflected on that conversation, for years after he had tried to convince himself that he hated Dave, but he simply couldn't. Over many years of shared experience they eventually grew a little closer again however he was always careful to keep the barriers up that kept them closer to friendly enemies than actual friends.
Despite this when they had become stranded on the Starbug they were permanently close to one another and Rimmer found it increasingly difficult to keep those barriers up. Despite trying to keep the separation by putting them on different watches, it hurt more and more every time he did something to separate them again. He could feel his defences slipping once again around the Liverpulian man not helped by the other feelings that had only grown as he had got to know the brave idiotic smeg head better, reaching the stage of friendship once again.
That was when the opportunity to become Ace had occurred. Rimmer had been terrified at the prospect, but in one of what he felt was his most cowardice moments yet, he realised that this was an opportunity to escape Dave and the agonising personal torture their relationship had become. He couldn't bare to force the distance any longer especially in his new hard light body it was becoming increasingly difficult to keep up the façade of hating him, as he could now offer the physical contact (he winced as he remembered when he had first switched to hard light and had immediately reached out and touched Lister), and comfort which had helped keep the distance before. And so without Holly to tell him to stay he left in a desperate attempt to keep his own sanity, and with the hope that Dave could find someway to keep himself sane. This was how he ended up, despite his cowardice, weasel nature, and status as a hologram, becoming the next Ace Rimmer.
He shook himself out of his stupor, there was no point dwelling on what couldn't be changed now. It was at this point he brought out his pack of cards, and set up his game of solitaire.
It was on his third round that the computer interrupted him "Arnold I've recieved a message of Holly"
"Oh yes" he asked sounding vaguely interested glancing up from his cards, "which version?" Over his time as Ace he had encountered many different versions of Holly and the dwarf crew. But none of them were his.
"Arnold… It's your dimension"
"WHAT" he cried sitting up swiftly, the cards spilling all over the floor. "What's wrong?! What did she say? Is Dave hurt?" He knew he sounded like a school boy with a crush but he couldn't help it, what if something serious had happened?
"Arnold" said the Wildfire, "all Holly says is, the crew is dead again, and Lister needs you."
Rimmer put a hand to his forehead and leant right back in the chair, taking a deep shuddering breath. So this was it? His opportunity to go back. To see them all again, to be Arnold Rimmer again, to see Dave again, just what he'd been wishing for. But he knew what it meant going back, on his brief look into going back before he had spoken to Holly who had explained all of the goings on, and the fact that there was another version of him on board, like he was before the accident. So there wasn't an issue in looking for a replacement.
But could he go back to it, the heartache at being so close to Lister on a permanent basis, but never really being friends? He though back through the years of pain and hurt. But then came into his head the memories of Lister, and what they'd been through, and the silent camaraderie between them, even though they could never acknowledge it. The looks they shared over the Cat's vanity, or Kryten's mothering, before Rimmer would realise what he was doing and try and separate them again.
He knew the other version of Rimmer couldn't do what he had been brought back to do, when he had spoken to Holly she had told him about the friendship the two shared down in The Tank due to the close quarters and the removal of anyone for Rimmer to suck up too. They had become partners in crime of a sort. This was fine when the rest of the crew were there, but with them gone, that wouldn't help Dave.
And in the end that was who it was all for, Dave Lister. And there was Rimmer's answer, of course he would do it, he would do anything for him.
"Computer" he started in an authoritative voice "set a destination for home".
RLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRL
Nano-Rimmer watched from behind a couple of barrels of vinegar as The Wildfire pulled into the loading bay of Red Dwarf. This was him, the one before him, the one Dave had shared so much with, the superhero Ace Rimmer. He refused to call him Arnold, he knew that he was actually the hologramatic version of himself, his time in The Tank with Lister had given them plenty of time to talk, and Dave had told him many stories from back before the nano's resurrected everyone. Including the previous version of him going off to become Ace.
Over time it had become more evident to Rimmer that Dave missed the hologramatic version of himself, it happened every time he referred to something that he and the other Rimmer did together. He always filled him in on the adventure, argument or stupid game that accompanied the reference, but it was obvious it was never quite the same.
And despite the friendship he had come to appreciate from Lister he knew he was never going to replace the other Rimmer, however much that version of him seemed to hate Lister. This led to the weird jealousy that he now harboured for the other version of himself, and consequently his determination to hate him.
He watched as Ace stepped out of the Wildfire, he was expecting Ace in all his glory just as Dave had described stupid voice and all. But what actually stepped off was undeniably himself, the only difference being the H on his forehead. He watched stunned as his counterpart glanced around and, obviously not seeing Nano-Rimmer yet, took a couple of deep steadying breaths. Rimmer knew that action; it was what he himself did when he was preparing for something nerve-wracking or something difficult.
Suddenly the loud voice of Lister echoed across the cargo bay coming from behind the Wildfire out of Holo-Rimmers sight "Rimmer man! Where have you been?", he watched as Holo-Rimmer stiffened, a look of joy and then pain crossing his face upon hearing Lister's voice, before he breathed once more and smirked convincingly.
"Well, Lister you baboon of a man, not all of us can lounge around on a broken old mining ship all day, I've been off saving damsels in distress, galaxies and so on." Nano-Rimmer watched as this exchange continued, he swore there was something bizarre about his, he knew his own face, and that whole attitude towards Lister was an act. He was going to have to see what was going on there.
RLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRL
A few weeks later Holo-Rimmer looked at the Rimmer in front of him, it had been an interesting time, trying to explain to the Cat and Kryten how this whole Ace thing worked, and that no he wasn't dead. Then there was trying to convince this new Rimmer to take up the mantle of Ace.
This version of him hadn't realised yet that his friendship with Lister was something a little more, as he hadn't had to fight against the friendship he had developed with Lister as he had, that had led him to realise what had grown between them. So convincing him to leave had been easier, tempting him with the girls throwing themselves at your feet, and the heroic side of the job.
He was finally convinced that Nano-Rimmer was ready. "Arnold, I think you're ready".
Nano-Rimmer nodded to himself, over the weeks between the two of them they had become a lot less self-conscious as they realised that they were essentially dealing with themselves and that they could read each other's falsities and lies easily.
This was probably the reason for Nano-Rimmer asking the question that followed, the question the Holo-Rimmer had been dreading. "Why did you come back? You seemed to have a great life as Ace. I used to think that you must hate Lister from the way that he said you acted around him, but you don't do you? And yet you don't look happy here".
Holo- Rimmer looked at his counterpart and decided to answer relatively honestly "I don't hate Lister. I wish we could have the friendship that you two have, that's what I always wanted, but we can't."
"Why?" asked Nano-Rimmer with the air of a child asking a father a question, Holo-Rimmer was his elder by quite a few years, not even counting his time on Rimmerworld, he actually had a lot more experience than him (not that he'd ever admit that too him).
"I was bought back as a hologram to keep Dave sane, and provide a challenge to him as the last human alive. Whilst you were her there was no need for that as the rest of the crew did that for you so you could become friends. However now the crew are gone he needs an enemy and a competitor, not a friend. And trust me you don't want to go through destroying a friendship like that". Holo-Rimmer finished his explanation collapsing into a chair.
Nano-Rimmer studied him for a second "You love him don't you?"
"What?! Don't be ridiculous, didn't you hear me? We can't even be friends never mind…" it was at that point he caught sight of Nano-Rimmer's face. Arms crossed looking at him with a raised eyebrow, his expression obviously saying that he saw through lie.
Holo-Rimmer stopped and looked at the floor, his stomach sinking, he'd hoped to keep this from this younger version of him, "yes" he said quietly "Yes I do" he sat back down again looking defeated. "Please, please don't tell him".
Nano-Rimmer considered him for a second "Okay" he agreed.
"Okay?" asked Holo-Rimmer confused.
"Okay" confirmed Nano-Rimmer, "I won't tell him, I understand why you're doing it now, but for the record I think you should tell him". He turned on his heel and made to leave the room.
"Wait why?" Holo-Rimmer called after him, wanting to know why.
Nano-Rimmer stopped in the doorway, never turning around "because no matter what I did, it was never enough, It was always you he wanted" with that Nano-Rimmer left, going to pack his possessions.
Holo-Rimmer watched him leave, frozen considering his words.
A couple of hour later Holo-Rimmer watched as Nano-Rimmer walked onto the Wildfire and sat in the cockpit. Nano-Rimmer looked pointedly at him whilst Lister was arguing with the Cat and Kryten. Time seemed to stand still for a second as Rimmer looked over at Lister, with the exasperated look on his face as he tried to get is point across, and his stomach fluttered uncomfortably.
He smiled briefly to himself as he imagined a scenario in which he would get everything he wanted.
RLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRL
It was later that very evening and they were once again alone in their old bunkroom. Rimmer lay on his bunk and looked at the few pens and revision notes that his nano self-had left behind, more skewed and disorganised than he had ever allowed them to become.
He smirked as he saw Lister pick up his guitar and then winced at the awful noise. "I see your skills haven't improved in the music department then Listy" he commented.
Lister smirked back at him and falling easily back into their old habits scoffed and said "It's not my fault if a guy like you doesn't have the sophistication to understand raw musical talent such as mine".
Rimmer laughed sarcastically "There was more musical talent in those 21st century audition shows, and I'm talking about the ones who were so bad that after getting booed off the stage and shouting abuse at the judges they then became internet stars."
Lister chuckled at the comparison and surprised Rimmer by finishing the argument with a half defeated "whatever" as he put his guitar back down again. He then turned to look at Rimmer "I missed you man".
Rimmer looked back at the book he was holding trying to remove any nervousness that would have come into his voice as he said dismissively "yeah but its not like I was really gone to miss for long, you had him"
"Yeah but he wasn't the same. He hadn't lived through the same experiences we have and he never quite got that I'd changed. That I wasn't the same slob that he'd shared a room with,that I'd lived and seen things that he wouldn't believe. It was nice in a way I got to be a kid again for a bit, but I'm not really that person anymore. As much as I hate to say it, I've grown up." Lister's voice had taken on the tone he used whenever he was giving a speech that he poured his heart into, he stood up and started to pace. "And you've grown up too Rimmer I know you don't cling as closely to the rules and stuff as you did, and I know that you've got passed some of the rubbish that your family left you with. But he was still that insecure man who was never sure of himself. And when he didn't have anyone to suck up to, it was like he was looking up to me but we were never quite equal. Do you know what I mean?" he asked unsure, tailing off a little at the end as he turned to look at Rimmer.
Rimmer who had swung his legs off the bed and sat up during the speech met his eyes and nodded. "It's like he didn't get who you were and what had changed so you pretended to be someone you weren't." he smiled ruefully "The same happened with the first other version of you I met as Ace, I thought he was going to be the same as you for a minute, but he wasn't and I had to retreat further behind Ace as he didn't understand who I had become as Arnold" He said drawing a comparison between them.
"Well how were they different?" asked Lister looking intrigued
Rimmer smiled happier to be on less emotional territory "they were on starbug as well, the only difference was that you had a small talent with that thing" he said tilting his head towards the guitar, "and you had been hired to play at the bar at night as well as your job as a technician and so we'd never been roomed together, though you still hated me as the guy you worked with in the day. So I was still brought back as a challenge as part of your sanity but"
Lister who was now leaning against the bunk one leg crossed casually over the other interrupted Rimmer's tale "A challenge?" he questioned, looking at him intently.
"A challenge? Did I say challenge?" squeaked Rimmer he stood and began to use larger and larger hand gestures to distract Dave as he desperately tried to cover his mistake. "well I wouldn't say I was brought back as a challenge for you per say more of an opponent, but not an opponent as such but the lack of friendship was a key component, see" He slipped back into his 'Ace' voice as a sort of defence mechanism without noticing" its very complicated and I'm sure you've got much more important things to do rather than listen to the ramblings of a man and his one sided lo-problems" Rimmer winced at the slip up but congratulated himself on the save until he turned to see Lister's eyebrows had almost reached his hair line.
"Oh Yeah, I've got much more important things to do than watch you pace like a madman trying to cover up that he hasn't just let slip that he did murder the woman to the entire court" he sat on Rimmer's bunk and Rimmer could practically see the logs whirring in his brain, Rimmer fiddled with the cuff of his sleeve as he watched anxiously, half praying he would work it out, yet desperately hoping that he wouldn't for his sake.
"My sanity" muttered Lister to himself looking at the floor elbows on his knees "Brought back as a challenge, lack of friendship." He paused "I always thought I imagined it but," he looked back up at Rimmer "were you pushing me away all those years?" If he wasn't already dead Rimmer would have sworn his heart had stopped "For my sanity?" Dave continued.
"well.." began Rimmer once again about to start trying to talk his way out.
"Wait" Lister held up a hand and Rimmer's mouth snapped shut "what were you going to say before you changed it to problems?" Rimmer opened his mouth to give a quick but insulting reply that would push him away and solve everything when Lister interrupted again. "No, this time man, give me the truth"
Rimmer looked into Lister's desperate eyes and his heart felt like it dropped through his stomach, and every façade he'd ever had around Lister dropped and he sat on the bunk beside him, all the air wooshing out of him in defeat. This was it, it would either solve every problem of them ever being friends as he knew Lister could never get passed this. Or…or it could be reciprocated and… no that wouldn't be good for Dave, and yet.
Eventually he gave up and analysing the result of his response before he gave it and simply looked at Lister and said "I was going to say, one-sided love problems"
There was a stunned pause as Rimmer internally panicked and just as he closed his eyes to prepare a stumbling and messy apology when he felt a pair of lips crash into his own.
For a moment his heart soared as what he never believed was possible finally came true. But a moment later his heart dropped as he realised he had just sealed Lister's fate to a miserable existence with no purpose.
RLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRL
He shook himself out of his fantasy.
He looked back up to Nano-Rimmer, and shook his head; Nano-Rimmer grimaced and then nodded. He understood that it was for Dave and that Holo-Rimmer couldn't take the chance of Lister becoming insane as the last human alive, without some sort of challenge.
Time sped back up as the Dwarf crew waved to the Wildfire as it powered up both Nano and Holo Rimmer gave each other a full Rimmer salute. Then the ship rose and left.
Rimmer looked over to Dave and saw the upset look on his face, at his friend for the last goodness knows how long leaving him. He wanted nothing more than to go and hug him, and reassure him that he hadn't lost a friend at all. But taking a deep breath once again, he settled behind his mask of arrogance once more, and forever.
"Right oh Listy me boy, we can't be standing around here all day, mourning over the loss of your boyfriend". And with that he turned on his heel and marched out of the room, smirking as he heard Lister begin to reply.
Maybe he wouldn't get what he wanted, and maybe life wasn't fair, but at least he still had this.
This would be good enough.