Something came through my mind the other day.
TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of cutting and suicide
December 7, 2015
It's been 8 years since I met my best friend
6 years since we started sleeping together
4 years since I told her I loved her
3 years since I broke up with her
2 years since she came back in my life
1 year since she walked out
And 2 days since my heart was shattered.
My eyes are glued to my screen. My best friend stands in a white dress at the altar with my big lipped former 'boyfriend'. She looks stunning. It may just be the fact that the only light is coming from the screen, but her smile lights up my dark room, my dark mind. And at the same time, makes it darker than it ever was before. Rachel and Kurt told me how beautiful she looked, how graciously she moved around the dance floor. I could only nod. Ever since she walked out, I've been lost. I had been so stupid to think she would come back. She deserved to explore the world, but the only thing I could give her was a rundown apartment in the city. It's naïve to think we'd survive it all with love. But maybe it isn't. I never took that leap of faith. And when I realized how much I wanted to, I fell hard and fast into the pit I'm still in. I first thought her engagement was some kind of joke. I couldn't bring myself to go to the wedding. I just couldn't.
Now, I sit in my disheveled room. The curtains are torn letting in the occasional flash of lightning from the night; the sheets are strewn across the room; papers are torn to shreds; picture frames and small collectibles are shattered around the room. I'm sitting on my floor with my laptop open in front of me
Congratulations to the happy couple, Sam and Brittany Evans.
The words sink in and pull at my heart. It hurt the first time they got 'married', but now it's real. I keep hoping I will wake up and find blonde hair sleeping beside me. I stare down at my phone and sigh. A flick of my other wrist and I'm downing another shot or so of tequila while I dial the familiar number.
"hello?"
Her voice catches me off guard. I had so much planned to tell her but her voice breaks my concentration. The innocence reminds me of the very best parts of her.
"hello? Are you there?" she speaks again.
"Brit-" I start.
"Santana, why are you calling? You weren't at the ceremony so I assume you hate me."
"I could never hate you Brit. I-I just couldn't do it. I couldn't watch the love of my life marry someone else. But I knew why you did it. You deserve someone who will give you the world. I'm sorry I couldn't do that for you. I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy. And I'm sorry I didn't see you again. God I wish I could see you in person for a last time. But I guess it's better this way. It'll be too hard if I saw you. You are so beautiful Brit-Brit."
"What are you saying, Santana? What do you mean a last time?"
"I can't do it anymore Brit. I just needed to hear your voice. You're happy, and that's all that matters."
"Santana, no. You can't do this! It's not worth it, there's so much to live for. Please Santana, don't do this."
"I'm sorry Brittany."
"San"
"I-I always loved you Brittany. Always."
"You were always enough for me. You wanted to give me the world, but why can't you see it! You are my world. Even still. It killed me to walk away and I regret it every day. Please don't do this."
"Goodbye Brittany"
"SANT-"
I hang up, cutting her off. Tears are streaming down my face, but I know what I have to do. I ignore my ringing phone and Brittany's name appearing on the screen. I place my written note on my bed and open the file on my computer. I lay in the middle of the room and grab one of the shards of glass. It's all my fault. I caused her pain. I made her unhappy. She just doesn't want me to be a burden. I slide the shard across my wrist, but I can barely feel it thanks to my BAC. I continue the motion until I feel a warm liquid roll down my arm. I grab the tequila bottle again and take another swing to numb the pain. My head starts feeling dizzy and I know what's happening. I look to my bedside table where I have the one picture I have yet to destroy. Those piercing blue eyes remind me of what I've done. I try to offer a smile to the picture, but I can't move. My eyes slowly close and I hear a banging on the door, but I can't make out what the voice is saying.
It's been 8 years since I met my best friend
6 years since we started sleeping together
4 years since I told her I loved her
3 years since I broke up with her
2 years since she came back in my life
1 year since she walked out
2 days since my heart was shattered
And in a few seconds, my heart will stop beating.
So about a week ago, I was in a dark place and I just needed to find a way to express it hence the short piece. I'm not planning on writing more to this 'story' unless people want me to. If I do, it'll only be another chapter or two. To anyone who also finds themselves in a dark place, please reach out. There are many people to help. My inbox is always open.