Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the Narutoverse, none of us here do, if we did we wouldn't be writing fanfiction.
Warnings: Un Beta'd (but I have re-read it and run it through the spell check a couple of times), maybe some OOC-ness, small references to maleXmale relationship, I guess that's about it, I write harmless stuff.
Even before he opened his eyes Shikamaru knew that he was alone in the bed. As he reached out and placed his hand where Neji had been his fingers met nothing but crumpled sheets, a bit damp from sweat with no traces of warmth left.
Shikamaru sighed as he slowly sat up in the bed, as he expected he was completely alone in the room. Considering how often this happened he thought he should be used to the worried aching in his chest and the frightening images inside his head but no, it was the same every time. He blamed himself for being such a heavy sleeper; he should have woken up sooner. If the sheets had grown cold that meant he had been alone for at least twenty minutes and Shikamaru knew a lot could happen in twenty minutes.
It wasn't like this before, when they first had moved in together, back then Neji would be by his side until morning came and the sun leaked through their window. Back then, every time he opened his eyes Neji would be there sleeping peacefully and Shikamaru would watch his sleeping form for as long as he could stay awake. It was one of the best things about sharing a bed with his lover, Neji was so different when asleep and it never failed to captivate him. Even now, when it was such a rare sight, Shikamaru could easily conjure that image inside his head. The hard eyebrows softened above thin eyelids which moved slightly as Neji dreamed. Long, rich lashes contrasting with a moonlit cheek and thin, well sculpted lips just barely parted, hiding a smile in the right corner. The silky hair would fall down over his uncovered forehead where the seal glowed slightly in the dark, like he was crowned with light. When asleep like that he looked peaceful…harmless but that was far from the truth.
Shikamaru tried to remember when they last had a week without nights like this one but he couldn't. He knew that they had come gradually, sneaking up on them and nestling into their lives bit by bit until they both had grown use to it. He couldn't even say when they began but he knew it had been after Neji joined the ANBU. He remembered the look on Neji's face the first time he put on that uniform. It was determined, cold and hardened to cope with duty but at the same time he had seen sadness and fear inside Neji's pale eyes. Neji didn't want to join the ANBU, he wanted to teach, to have a team of genins following him around but he had no choice but to accept the invitation.
Shikamaru wondered if Neji had known then what the ANBU service might do to him; after all, it was a well known fact that ANBU broke people unsuited for missions even faster than an interview with Morino Ibiki. But in the end it didn't matter what Neji wanted to do or not, once word reached the Hyuuga elders that the ANBU wanted their prodigy to join Neji just didn't have a choice. "They're already very displeased with the way I chose to live my life Shikamaru, the only reason they allow this is because of my uncle. If I go against their wishes now they will not hesitate to… punish me for my disobedience." Shikamaru gritted his teeth, if only the oh-so-high-and-mighty elders would step out of their imaginary kingdom and see what the consequences of their decision were for once but no, there was no one there to see the effects but him, night after night after night after night…
Nightmares were not a rare phenomenon among shinobi, everyone suffered from them and each had their own returning dreams. For Shikamaru's part it was a reoccurring scene in which he would wake up tied down with Hidan's manically laughing head telling him that he had come for his revenge at last. The head then started to eat him. Shikamaru suppressed a shiver of terror travelling up his spine at the thought. He was always very relieved when he finally awoke from that dream and found all his limbs intact.
Every single shinobi in Konoha suffered from nightmares and Neji was no exception, he had them back when they moved in together as well. Nights when his peaceful face would be twisted in fear and then he would start crying whispering that he was afraid, that he wanted them to stop, that they were hurting him. Some nights he cried, some nights he screamed. When Shikamaru finally managed to wake him up, or he awoke himself, he would shake his head and tell Shikamaru that there was nothing to worry about, just a nightmare. They never talked about those nights even if Shikamaru knew it was something more than just a nightmare. He knew they were memories as well, memories of Neji's fourth birthday. But once the dream ended so did they and they went back into hiding inside the dark corners of Neji's mind, just like any other nightmare.
But the terrors that haunted Neji on nights like this were not like other nightmares, they were something more, something stronger. On nights like this one Neji would twist and turn in their bed and when he finally awoke from his dream, he still wasn't awake. His body was up and moving but the dream refused to let go of Neji's mind like it was some sort of genjutsu. Shikamaru almost wished that it would have been a genjutsu, that way they would be able to dispel it at once but these dreams, he shook his head, it took a lot more than just some hand seals to make them go away.
Shikamaru slowly got out of the bed to begin his search for Neji. He calculated that if this night was indeed like the previous ones he'd find Neji somewhere in the kitchen which was as far away from Shikamaru Neji could get without leaving the apartment. Careful not to make any disturbing sounds he made his way over to the kitchen and called out to Neji softly before entering, the last thing he wanted to do was to startle him when he was like this.
"Neji, it's me, Shikamaru, I'm coming in." He had been right about Neji's location. His chakra was all over the place and for someone trained as shinobi it was hard not to pick up the chaotic emotions entwined in it. Fear, sadness, anger, disgust and pain, normally Neji would keep them all tightly locked up and under control. Shikamaru knew that it wasn't healthy to bottle things up the way Neji did but it wasn't like he did it consciously. Neji just didn't know how to face feelings like that and growing up in the compound could never afford to let them show so suppressing and hiding them from himself was the only way he could manage to deal with them. That was why, when the walls keeping them I check crumbled from the nightmares, they were so raw and intense, overpowering everything in their way.
Neji was sitting in the far corner. His legs were folded underneath him and his hands lightly resting on his knees, making it seem almost like he was meditating. But the way his head was turned down and the small tremors shaking his body quickly dispelled that illusion. Shikamaru slowly moved closer, careful not to seem threatening, it wasn't until the distance between them had shrunk to three meters that he stopped and called out to Neji again.
"Neji…"
Silently Shikamaru counted the seconds before Neji's answer in his mind; he had learned that the longer it took for Neji to respond the stronger the nightmare was.
"Leave." Neji's voice was strangely distant considering the emotional chaos radiating from him. Shikamaru closed his eyes and frowned. Seven seconds. Not as bad as it had been, but worse than most nights.
"I'm not going anywhere until I know you're ok." He sat down and moved just a bit closer. As expected Neji tensed up a bit more, Shikamaru was now within his range of attack and would be hurt if he suddenly lashed out.
"I'm fine. Just don't come any closer." Neji still kept his head down and his voice was cold.
Shikamaru knew he had to play along in order to be able to reach Neji; he decreased the distance between them a bit more. "Why?"
Neji raised his head and his pale eyes stared straight at Shikamaru as he spoke slowly and dead serious. "People die when they're close to me. I don't want you to die."
This was the most frightening part of these nightmares. Neji's thoughts and speech were always so calm and centered. And within the boundaries of whatever dream Neji had suffered from they always made perfect sense, they were so frighteningly logical and therefore also so difficult to argue with. The only way was to prove than he was wrong; to make Neji do exactly the things the dreams told him he shouldn't. Shikamaru hated it, it was extremely stressful for both of them but he couldn't stand the thought of leaving Neji like he was either.
"I don't want to either" he moved even closer "But it's not going to happen Neji, it was just a dream."
Shikamaru could see how Neji's body tensed even more, raising all its defenses on high alert. He could see Neji's fear grow rapidly but had to force himself to keep going. He moved again, the distance between them now less than half a meter.
Neji pressed himself up against the wall and shook his head with eyes wide with fear. "No, nonono, go away, please go away. I don't want to kill you, please go away."
The frantic whisper made Shikamaru's heart twist and turn in his chest, Neji's body was covered in a light sheen of sweat and he was shaking with the effort to keep himself as tightly pressed to the walls as possible. Shikamaru could see that Neji was terrified and absolutely hated himself for putting his lover in that state of mind.
The way Neji saw things he was only trying to protect Shikamaru from a certain death and what did he do? He just kept coming closer and closer, ignoring all the warnings and would soon make Neji kill him. Shikamaru shook his head slowly; of course Neji would be terrified. But he couldn't leave, who knows what might happen then?
What if Neji couldn't manage to get out of the dream on his own no matter how much time passed? Then he'd just manage to confirm this twisted logic, if he stayed away from people and they stayed alive. To Neji that would have to mean that they were still alive because he stayed away from them and then it would be even harder to prove that Neji's thoughts were wrong because he had just proved to himself that they were right. Shikamaru swallowed, they risked their lives to keep Konoha safe every day and Neji wouldn't even hesitate to kill himself if it meant he could keep the rest of them safe.
He looked over at Neji who just a couple of hours ago had been as confident and balanced as always, now shaking with fear from his nightmare, there was no way he could leave Neji like that. No matter how much it hurt the both of them he had to bring Neji out of that dream's twisted thoughts.
"Neji, do you trust me?" he kept his eyes focused at Neji's as he waited for the answer. The pale eyes were still on the edge of panic as Neji nodded, still keeping his guard high.
"Good ok listen carefully. You're not going to hurt me and I am not going to hurt you. All you have to do is to stay still and trust me, ok?" He kept his voice low and soothing, he needed Neji's ok with this. He needed Neji to feel like he had some sort of control to prevent him from slipping into panic.
He could see how uneasy his statement made Neji and waited patiently as his words were carefully processed and evaluated in Neji's mind. Finally he saw Neji slowly dip his head in a small nod and he smiled. Now came the hard part.
"Close your eyes, Neji." Hesitantly the pale eyes closed and Shikamaru soundlessly raised his arm. "Trust me" he whispered as he slowly reached out to touch Neji. He decided that the upper arm would be a safe area and his fingers lingered just a few centimeters above that pale skin.
"NO!" the panicked howl almost managed to give him time to react before he was suddenly thrown like a rag doll into the opposite wall. He grimaced and rubbed the back of his head as he stood up, he hadn't actually thought that Neji would use the kaiten indoors. When he opened his eyes and stared at the mess that used to be their kitchen it was obvious that he had thought wrong. Luckily the floor and walls were still intact; it would have been really troublesome trying to explain to landlord if they weren't.
But the kitchen wasn't important right now, Neji was. He was still pressed up against the wall in fear but his white eyes now held another emotion, betrayal, and it was directed straight at Shikamaru.
"You said I wasn't going to hurt you, you made me trust you not to get hurt by me but you lied." His body automatically seemed to prepare itself for another kaiten. He would do whatever it took to make sure that Shikamaru stayed away from him.
Shikamaru closed his eyes and frowned as he realized there was only one way he could do this without risking Neji to hurt him, or himself. His hands quickly fell into the familiar sign and he soon felt the small tug indicating that his jutsu was a success.
He opened his eyes and calmly raised his gaze to meet a very frightened Neji. The pale eyes were wide and sweat glistened all over his body as he tried to fight the jutsu. Shikamaru carefully took one step forward effectively bringing them closer to each other. Another step and they were almost face to face, Neji now in full panic over their proximity.
"No, no, god please no. Go away. I don't want you to die. Please don't make me kill you. Go away. Please, please go away." The words tumbled over each other as Neji's breath sped up with short intakes of air.
Slowly Shikamaru raised his right hand and moved it so that it was hovering just over Neji's heart, placing Neji in an exact mirroring position. It was an extremely vulnerable position, one hit with the gentle fist and he'd drop dead to the floor, which was why he chose it.
Neji's eyes were filled with tears and his pleading for Shikamaru to stop was now so frantic that it made no sense, just a gibberish mixture of words. His breath almost hyperventilating as his eyes burned Shikamaru's, screaming silently for him to stop.
Skin touched skin and Neji's eyes closed hard, making tears run down his cheeks as his body shook heavily.
"Neji…" Shikamaru released the jutsu and pulled his lover's hand closer to his beating heart. "Can you feel this Neji?"
Slowly the pale eyes opened and Neji nodded, a hesitant smile making its way onto his lips. "You're not dead… I didn't kill you."
Shikamaru smiled back, "No you didn't, do you know why?"
A small frown creased Neji's forehead "It was all just a dream..?" he whispered disbelievingly more to himself than Shikamaru who nodded.
"Yes, it was just a dream." As soon as the words left his mouth he felt himself being pulled into a crushing embrace and Neji's body shuddered against his as he finally woke up. He took a few deep breaths before releasing Shikamaru and for the first time took in their surroundings.
"I apologize for ruining the kitchen." His voice was low, filled with guilt.
Shikamaru shrugged and started to pull Neji back to the bedroom. "It needed to be renovated anyway, stop being troublesome and come back to bed instead."
Neji smiled and followed him, curling up close to Shikamaru as they both got under the covers again. He still seemed restless tough and Shikamaru pulled him closer, kissing his shoulder softly. "Want to talk about it?" a shake of Neji's head. No. He kissed Neji's shoulder again and entwined their hands. "Ok. I'll be here for when you do."
He could feel Neji's back move against his stomach as he took two deep breaths. Shikamaru laid still and waited, talking was hard for Neji so he needed to feel like there was nothing pressuring him to do so.
"I don't think I can do this anymore Shika." Another deep breath "I don't want to."
Shikamaru didn't say anything, he knew that Neji was talking about the same thing he had thought of earlier that night, the ANBU, instead he just kissed Neji's shoulder again, showing him that he was listening.
Neji's grip on Shikamaru's hand tightened as he started to speak again, his voice bitter. "It was such a simple mission, find the hideout and dispose of everyone inside, no exceptions." Shikamaru felt Neji start to shake and held him tighter as the proud Hyuuga cried silently.
"What happened?" Neji just shook his head and pulled Shikamaru's arm closer around him.
"You'd hate me if I told you."
Shikamaru kissed Neji again. "Nothing can make me hate you, Neji."
A bitter laugh escaped the Hyuuga for a few seconds before it slipped into crying again. Three shuddering breaths and Shikamaru could feel how Neji braced himself for his next words.
"When you read the report tomorrow it'll say '47 enemies encountered, all disposed without sustaining injury. Mission successful'." He fell silent for a long time and Shikamaru clearly felt the tremors that traveled through Neji's body.
"They were children, Shika. All forty-seven of them and I-"his voice broke.
"I can't do this anymore. Maybe it's you next time and not the kitchen… I just can't do this anymore. They didn't even have a chance… just one touch and it was over. Just like that I– forty-seven, Shika, just because of a mission. Oh god…"
Shikamaru held Neji close as he cried and placed comforting kisses and soothing words on his skin. Finally his lover seemed to calm down and his breathing evened out.
"Shika…" Neji's voice was thick from crying and lack of sleep. "If I have another nightmare-"
"I'll wake you up" He gently squeezed Neji's hand.
"Promise?" Neji turned his head so that their eyes met and Shikamaru softly kissed him on his forehead.
"Always."
Neji released a relieved sigh and Shikamaru noticed that he fell asleep almost immediately; his face as peaceful as it used to be before nights like these crept into their life.
Shikamaru studied him for a moment and was glad that Neji had finally come to the decision to leave ANBU. Shikamaru would make sure he'd be relieved of duty as soon as he got to work the next day, maybe if he pulled some strings he'd even be able to put Neji on the list for available teachers. Shikamaru smiled, Neji would like that. And, he added in his mind, although he swore to always wake Neji up from his nightmares it'd be nice if they could haunt them more rarely. Having to wake up in the middle of the night was really troublesome.
Authors note: Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and was unable to fall asleep again so since there was pen and paper nearby I decided to write something instead of just staring at the roof. This is the result.
I blame all OOC-ness, lack of plot and originality on my sleep deprived brain. I also blame my brain for the decreasing quality of this fic and apologize for the short and rushed ending.
If you liked it I would be more than happy to have you tell me in a review, don't be shy, it only takes one minute or so to write one after all. Same thing goes if you hated it; please tell me what sucked so that I hopefully can avoid writing more crappy stories in the future.
Thank you lots and lots for reading
/Tikvah