Evil clowns have stolen the disclaimer saying that I don't own any Archer characters. So what happened after the events of Bel Panto? Well this is…
Post Panto
"And to think…" Lana groaned as she took a sip of water. "I agreed to become a detective because I thought it would be safer!" Her nose was bandaged, clearly broken. And she had bruises all over her face as well as a black eye.
"With our luck? Fat chance," Mallory grumbled, her arm in a sling. "What surprises me is that out of all of us Ms. Gillette is the one who barely got a scratch on her dainty self!"
"You know…?" Ray was slightly bruised in the face but mostly unharmed.
"You know what wouldn't surprise me?" Pam groaned, her face bruised and her neck in a neck brace. "If somehow that rat bastard Shapiro was in on the whole thing."
"If he was in on it why would he hire us?" Cyril asked. His arm was also in a sling and he was bruised in the face.
"Because that's how these things almost always get started!" Pam shouted. "The bad guy hires us as a smokescreen or because he wants something from us!"
"She does have a point," Ray said. "That does happen to us a lot."
"Yeah like Captain Lammers, the captain of the blimp Ms. Archer hit on," Krieger agreed. He was heavily bruised and his arm was in a sling. "That Italian guy with the submarine that he stole and Ms. Archer tried to hit on."
"That other Italian guy Ms. Archer used to hit on," Pam added. "You know the Cardinal that wanted to kill the Pope?"
"Len Trexler who double crossed us a few times over the years," Lana added. "Who Mallory had an affair with."
"I'm pretty sure we did some stuff for the head of the KGB without realizing it," Cyril spoke up. "The other guy Ms. Archer had an affair with."
"Captain Tony Space Nuts Drake who Ms. Archer hit on," Pam added. "Who was more interested in Lana making space babies for him."
"My stupid creepy gross brother, Cecil," Cheryl spoke up. She was also badly bruised in the face and also had an arm in a sling. "Who says Ms. Archer tried to hit on him."
"That nut mobster Ms. Archer hit on a week ago," Pam added.
"Gustav Calderon, Hawley and the CIA with their whole stupid drug cartel/arms deal thing," Lana added. "And I'm pretty sure Mallory hit on at least one of them."
"Except for the fact that Ms. Archer didn't hit on Mr. Shapiro this was pretty much par for the course," Pam added.
"We really do fall for that scheme a lot," Cyril groaned. "This was a disaster."
"I dunno," Cheryl snickered. "I did like how Mrs. Archer hit on the police captain. And by that I mean…"
FLASHBACK TO THE PREVIOUS NIGHT…
"YOU IDIOTS!" Mallory screamed in the ear of a very nervous Police Chief as she stood with her arm in a cast in front of an ambulance. "The Keystone Cops would have been more effective than you morons!"
The entire hostage crew was either being attended to by paramedics or lying on stretchers. "You idiots nearly shot me!" Veronica Deane yelled. She was unharmed but the others weren't.
"You actually shot us!" Lana grumbled as she was being attended to by a paramedic working on her nose. "In the face!"
"And other very painful areas…" Ellis Crane moaned as he lay on a stretcher.
"Why did you shoot us?" A musician moaned. "We were only playing instruments…Ow."
"Idiot!" Mallory hit the Police Chief on the head with her good arm. "Ow! Great! Now my other arm is damaged on your thick skull!"
"Ma'am please! I said I was sorry!" The Police Chief snapped. "But it looked like you were all the kidnappers! You know with the clown masks and the guns…"
"Which were tied to most of our hands if your trigger happy storm troopers would have seen if they took two seconds to look at us!" Mallory shouted.
"It was a rushed situation," The Police Chief explained. "We had to rescue…"
"The hostages?" Ray gave him a look. "Which you thought had been let go…?"
"Uh…." The Police Chief stalled.
"And you didn't think it was odd that all the hostages were released at the same time saying that the kidnappers let them all go?" Mallory shouted. "Leaving them without any leverage at all?"
"Uh…." The Police Chief and the Captain of the SWAT team looked at each other.
"Did you really think that the kidnappers were just standing there waiting for you to shoot them?" Mallory shouted.
"In hindsight Chief that was rather suspicious," A policeman said to his boss.
"Shut up!" The Police Chief snarled.
"We nearly ended up like Don Chumph," Ray grumbled.
Mallory shouted, "The fact that you knew there were female hostages inside and all those so called hostages were male wasn't a tip off?"
"Uhh…" The Police Captain and the policemen gulped.
"I didn't know there were any female hostages," The Police Captain quickly said. "I just got here! He didn't tell me!" He pointed to the SWAT Team Captain.
"I wasn't in charge!" The SWAT Captain shouted. "Those other guys were!"
"What other guys?" The Police Captain shouted.
"The ones who ran off!" The SWAT Captain snapped.
"They weren't with you?" The Police Captain blinked.
"No, I thought they were with…" The SWAT Captain blinked. "Well maybe not you but with somebody from the department. You didn't send those guys?"
"I DIDN'T SEND ANYBODY!" The Police Captain shouted.
"Well they looked like detectives!" The SWAT Captain protested. "How was I supposed to know that?"
"Oh my God…" Veronica groaned.
"A wonderful example of police intelligence," Mallory sneered. "And I say that sarcastically!"
"Because you people obviously have none!" Ellis yelled. "Ow…"
"God I hate when this happens," The Police Captain groaned.
"This has happened before?" Archer shouted. "Ow…"
"More often than you'd think," A police officer groaned.
Mallory went on. "And another thing, you just let them go? Without taking a statement of any kind? Isn't that police procedure?"
"Oh yeah," The SWAT Captain winced. "We really should have done that."
"Not again…" The Police Captain groaned.
"Are you saying criminals used a move ripped off of the Dark Knight before?" Archer shouted.
"Well most of us have never seen the movie so…" A policeman spoke up. Everyone glared at him.
"We really should have detained them to get their statements," The SWAT Captain groaned.
"And we should really sue your entire department for incompetence!" Veronica yelled. "We can sue them, right Alan?"
"Yes…" Alan said in a very high pitched voice as he lay there on a stretcher.
"I'd like to get in on this if you don't mind," Cyril added. "I am a lawyer too. So…"
"So we can actually get money from this fluster-cluck of an evening!" Ellis shouted.
"Hooray for civil lawsuits," Cyril moaned in pain. "Ow…"
"Yaaay…" Pam moaned painfully.
"I can't believe how incompetent you idiots are!" Ellis shouted.
"Wow," Archer realized. "Usually people are saying that about us."
"I know," Ray admitted. "It's weird being on the other side of this conversation for once."
"I believe this is something called karma," Pam groaned. "And boy is it a bitch."
"I bet the Tinnitus Foundation also has a case and can get some money too," Archer spoke up.
"I'll look into that as soon as my balls stop imploding," Alan whimpered.
"You are so going to be sued…" Mallory snarled. "I swear I'll have your guts for garters!"
"God I hate it when this happens," The Police Captain groaned.
"God I love my birthdays," Cheryl giggled.
FLASHFORWARD TO THE PRESENT
"You realize this is the second time you had a birthday around us and we nearly died?" Cyril glared at Cheryl.
"Technically third," Cheryl spoke up. "Remember the day that Cuban Hit squad invaded our old agency?"
"I'd forgotten about that day," Ray groaned.
"How come you were the only one who didn't get anything broken?" Lana snapped at Ray. "Why didn't you get hit with a bean bag?"
"I did," Ray looked at her. "In my robot arm and my robot leg. Still hurt but…"
"Oh right," Lana remembered.
"Relax Lana," Cheryl downed some pills. "Odds are Ray is going to get paralyzed again anyway so…"
"You know…?" Ray glared at her.
"Inappropes," Pam remarked. "And what are you taking?"
"Something Krieger gave me," Cheryl gave the pill bottle to Krieger. "Ooh…I feel better already."
"What is that? Aspirin?" Cyril asked.
"Not exactly…" Krieger said. "Something more homemade."
"What the hell did you make this time?" Ray yelled.
"I know what you're thinking," Krieger said. "It's like the Krieger Kleanse but it isn't! These pills not only diminish the pain, they promote healing by speeding up the metabolism in the body."
"How fast are we talking?" Pam asked.
"Twice as fast," Krieger said. "Anything broken or bruised should be fixed up within a few days instead of several weeks."
"Then why don't you fork over those pills before I give you some real broken bones?" Pam made a fist. "Ow…"
"Me too," Cyril agreed.
"Why the hell not?" Mallory admitted.
"Ooh! I hope there are side effects!" Cheryl twittered.
"Hold on," Lana said. "Are you sure about this?"
"Yeah Krieger's inventions can be a bit…" Ray struggled to find the right words. "Off kilter sometimes."
"True," Mallory gave Ray a look. "You would know…"
"You know…" Ray glared at her.
"However Krieger also has a knack of doing the impossible," Mallory sighed. "And the less time I spend in this sling the better. And if we do have some kind of wild drug hallucinations…Let's face it. It's not like it would be the first time."
"Well that's true," Ray admitted.
"And in the long run it might even save us some medical expenses," Cyril admitted. "And some of that money Archer's negotiating could go to the agency. Or our pockets."
"Besides Lana," Pam gave her a look. "You really want to look like you went eight rounds with Evander Holyfield and lost for the next three to five weeks?"
In the end vanity won out. "Give me a damn pill," Lana said.
"Wait your turn!" Mallory pushed ahead and grabbed a couple.
"I'm the head of the agency! I go next!" Cyril got some next from Krieger.
"I asked first!" Pam got a few next.
"I want side effects!" Cheryl took another one.
"I guess I could…" Ray began. Before he was rudely pushed aside by Lana.
"You don't have a broken nose!" Lana barked. "But you'll get one if you don't step aside."
"Wow, just wow…" Ray grumbled as he got out of the way. "You really think you know a person."
"Oh stop bitching you big baby," Lana took one.
"Honestly Ray it might not be a bad idea if one of us doesn't take the pills," Krieger downed several. "Just in case. What? I have an owie too!"
"What did you put in them exactly?" Ray raised an eyebrow. "Oh God you didn't put anything you usually put in Cheryl's groovy gummies did you?"
"No," Krieger waved. "Besides the chances for hallucinogenic side effects are pretty low. I'd say about…uh…." He thought for a bit.
Twenty-three minutes and thirty-seven seconds later…
"One hundred freaking percent," Ray groaned as he smoked a cigarette from the sidelines. Watching the madness unfold before him.
"OWWWW! OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!" Cheryl ran around on all fours wearing only her bra and panties. (Well technically on threes) "I'm a werewolf again! Oowwwww!"
"I am Cinderella at the ball!" Mallory twirled around with a dazed look in her eyes. "Everything is so glamourous! Dah, dah, da dah, da dah daaaaa!"
"Ah Cinderella! How wonderful to see you!" Cyril strode up to her speaking with a British accent. "I'm jolly glad you were able to come."
"Phrasing," Ray snickered to himself.
"Prince Philip! Is that you?" Mallory twittered.
"Yeah okay," Cyril shrugged, still talking in a British accent. "Whatever. Pip pip and cheerio! Let's dance!" Soon the two were waltzing around the bullpen. Well as well as you can waltz with each partner's arm in a sling.
"Okay that one came out of left field," Ray remarked.
"I'd like to thank the academy for this award!" Pam was at an imaginary podium. She was holding a bottle of scotch like it was an Oscar. "The second thing I'd like to say is suck it Meryl Streep!"
"Schnitzel! Schnitzel!" Krieger called out. "Here girl! Here girl!"
"Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!" Cheryl ran over with her tongue out panting.
"There you are Schnitzel!" Krieger cheered. "Let's go romping among the mountains! Remember! No tearing Father apart into little pieces this time!"
"I make no promises," Cheryl said. Both scampered around the room.
"Seriously Meryl," Pam went on. "I kid. I kid. You're a great actress. But do you have to win so many damn Oscars all the time? Or at least get nominated once a year? Take a year off and give the rest of us a shot will ya?"
"Da, dah, dah…" Lana danced around mimicking a ballerina.
"Oh Prince Philip you dance divinely," Mallory twittered.
"Oh yes, well… being royal don't you know?" Cyril kept using his fake British accent.
"While I'm up here," Pam went on. "I need to address this problem. Why are there so many skinny bitches in films? Seriously?"
"Da, dah, da…" Lana twirled around until she accidentally hit a wall. "OW!"
"That's what you get for not sharing bitch," Ray remarked as he took a smoke.
"Ugh I hate these stairs!" Archer groaned as he hobbled in. "And of course I had to get bean bagged in the same leg Barry shot me…"
Archer called out. "Good news everyone. Not only is Shapiro paying our medical bills and the fee, I managed to make him our bitch for more…"
Archer stopped when he saw the sight. Lana twirling around. His mother and Cyril dancing around. Pam making a speech and waving a bottle of scotch. Krieger throwing an imaginary stick while Cheryl was howling and chasing the imaginary stick. And of course Ray calmly standing on the sidelines smoking by the bar.
"What the hell is going on?" Archer asked.
"Krieger came up with some new pain killers as well as something to help speed up our metabolism for healing," Ray explained as he put out his cigarette. "They all took it. Except for me because they're selfish assholes who refused to share!"
"Okay Schnitzel! Now you throw the stick and I will go chase it!" Krieger warbled as he stumbled around.
"BARK! BARK! OWWWWWW!" Cheryl howled.
"Which honestly right now I don't mind that much," Ray blinked. "Wow, talk about karma."
"Krieger too?" Archer asked.
"Krieger downed at least five of them," Ray told him.
"Wow, that can't be good," Archer snorted. "Lana took one too?"
"You know her," Ray pointed at Lana twirling around. "She can be pretty vain sometimes."
"She does look like she lost to Evander Holyfield in eight rounds," Archer remarked as Lana danced around. "You know Lana took ballet lessons when she was a kid?"
"I do now," Ray remarked. "They didn't leave any pills for you if you're wondering."
"Actually I think I'm going to use my usual prescription," Archer got a glass of scotch from the bar. "Care to join me Ray?"
"Why not?" Ray sighed as he poured himself a glass.
"And who the hell decided that remaking the movie Psycho was a great idea?" Pam snapped. "Alfred Hitchcock was called the master for a reason stupid! In fact, most of these remakes should be just ignored. Seriously, do we really need another freaking Transformers movie? Just saying!"
"OWWWWWOOWWWW!" Cheryl ran around on all threes.
"She's back to the werewolf thing again isn't she?" Archer sighed.
"At least she's not calling herself Mrs. Tania Rompers anymore," Ray admitted.
"More like Harley Quinn the Second," Archer quipped.
"Well she's certainly been with a lot of Jokers," Ray quipped. "Speaking of which…"
"Oh Prince Philip I could dance all night!" Mallory twittered.
"Right-O!" Cyril went on in his British accent. "One more quick dance before I go off to invade Prussia!"
"Oooh! Will you get me some rubies?" Mallory gasped.
"Yes! Thank you! Thank you!" Lana danced around. She knocked over a few chairs and tables as she danced. Then knocked down Krieger by accident.
"Schnitzel! Schnitzel!" Krieger moaned. "Krieger's down. Krieger's in the well…"
"You're always in the God damned well!" Cheryl barked. "Get out yourself for a change! OWOOOO!"
"And why aren't multiracial pornos considered for Oscars? Huh? HUH?" Pam called out. "Seriously some of them are better written than half the sequels you idiots put out…"
"Wow," Archer blinked. "I mean wow. I don't say wow much. But when I do…"
"This is what normally happens when you go off on one of your several week trips," Ray pointed out. "Only this time I'm the designated sober person instead of Lana."
"So every time I go away for at least several weeks," Archer realized. "You all get completely wasted and higher than a Grateful Dead concert on an airplane?"
"Pretty much," Ray shrugged before taking a sip.
"I missed a lot of wild parties didn't I?" Archer remarked as Cheryl ran around on all fours howling.
"You should have seen the wine tasting party we had when you went to Vegas last year," Ray admitted. "So uh, how did it go?"
"Spoiler alert," Archer said. "Shapiro is the one who masterminded the whole thing. And I am using that phrase sarcastically. And ironically."
"I don't know why I'm surprised," Ray groaned. "I shouldn't be but I am."
"I know. The oldest trick in the private detective book," Archer agreed. "Now that I think about it, we kind of fall for it almost every time. I mean most of our major cases are that the person who hired us is masterminding the whole thing."
"We really should see these coming by now," Ray groaned.
"We really should," Archer admitted. "Phrasing by the way…"
"I always thought your mother was the master of stupid get rich quick schemes that bit her in the ass but this…" Ray groaned.
"In Shapiro's case it hit him in the nuts," Archer snorted.
"He's gonna get worse than that when your mother and the others learn about this," Ray smirked.
"Oh yeah," Archer nodded. "We'll wait until they're all nice and lucid before telling them."
"Obviously," Ray said as he watched Mallory and Cyril dance around.
"I also now have a group of evil clowns on my hit list," Archer growled. "And killing the same group of evil clowns on my bucket list."
"Well five eights of them," Ray admitted. "At least one of them is dead. One was in the closet…"
Archer began to say something. "I know! Phrasing!" Ray snapped.
"Spoilsport," Archer pouted.
Ray went on. "So that one is in jail by now. I don't know if the third one is dead or not. But stuffing him in a refrigerator with a head injury can't be good for you."
"That's what happened to the third one?" Archer asked. "What was he called?"
"I believe it was Yum-Yum," Ray said. "Pretty ironic considering. Especially if Pam forgot to tell the cops."
BACK AT ELLIS CRANE'S HOUSE…
"Oh great…" Ellis Crane all bandaged and battered looked at the inside of his refrigerator. "Just what I need. Same old story, you go to get breakfast but all you can find in your refrigerator is dead clown."
BACK TO THE FIGGIS AGENCY…
"So need to get back at those guys…" Archer grumbled. "Can you believe I got hit in the same leg as Barry shot me?"
"I believe it," Ray sighed as he took a drink.
"At least this time you weren't seriously hurt," Archer admitted.
"You're happy about that?" Ray was surprised.
"Well you usually get paralyzed and you had your arm eaten off," Archer admitted. "Eh, you needed a break. Besides I saw you get hit on the leg and robot leg or not that had to hurt."
"It did," Ray said. "And it hit my robot hand too."
"That explains why you were the only one that didn't get anything broken," Archer realized. "I mean, metal legs and a hand. Duh!"
"Really starting to see the benefits of being a cyborg now," Ray admitted.
"The other good news is that on top of the money Shapiro is paying us for both the job and the medical bills…" Archer added. "I'm also getting extra money to keep my mouth shut about his entire clown scheme."
"How is it good news when only you're getting extra money?" Ray asked.
"Well good for me," Archer shrugged. "Besides Shapiro is getting us all a nice fat settlement check from the cops for their screw up."
"Really weird not being the ones responsible for a change," Ray admitted.
"And the cops agreed that in the future they might hire us or recommend us for future assignments," Archer added. "And you know we got in the good graces of Veronica Deane and Ellis Crane. And Veronica Deane kissed me! I'm her freaking hero!"
"Are you sure she sees it that way?" Ray asked. "I mean you did kill an evil clown in front of her so…"
Archer ignored him and went on. "So this was kind of a mixed bag for us. But mostly a win. Ow…"
"If you don't count us being held hostage and nearly being killed," Ray added. "The broken bones and other injuries. And all our friends having a LSD inspired freak out in the office."
"OWOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Cheryl bayed at the non-existent moon.
Lana tried to do a pirouette but fell over Krieger who was still lying on the floor. "Ow…"
"Hello floor…" Krieger warbled. "Make me a sandwich."
"Tom Cruise if you don't shut your freaking pie hole I will shove this award into holes you won't like!" Pam yelled.
"OWWWWWOOOOOO!" Cheryl knocked over Mallory and Cyril. Mallory fell on top of Cyril.
"Who let that damn werewolf in here?" Mallory shouted.
"Oww…" Cyril moaned as he lay on the floor.
"Eh still a win," Archer shrugged as he took a drink.