Summary: Futuristic Jaley one-shot. Jake moves back to town, having gained custody of Jenny, and he and Haley start fighting and writing songs. Somehow that's not enough. It never is when you want nothing more than what you aren't supposed to have.
I never knew &
I
never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I
knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was
the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to
nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay
and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears
Haley ran up as fast as she could, gasping for air. Oh, God, no. She grabbed Nathan's arm only to be flung off. Her shoulder softened the fall, but the asphalt had still hurt. She turned frantically, looking for someone, anyone to help her. Her eyes fell on Lucas. "Lucas! Help me! We have to get Nathan off of him! He'll kill him, Lucas!" Lucas's face was expressionless, and the closer she got, the more frantic she became. "Lucas, help me. Please, I need you to help me get Nathan off of Jake." Lucas turned to her, and she saw it. There was pain searing through his stone cold eyes, a pain that shook her to the core. But there was anger there, too, and it frightened her even more than the scene playing out in back of her.
"Haley, don't ask me for help. Don't you dare. Can't you see that you're the cause of this?"
"Lucas, please. Can't you see that this is wrong? Please help him!" Lucas whipped his head in her direction, his voice a growl.
"The man that ruined my brother's marriage and destroyed the respect I had for my best friend is over there on the ground defenseless and I'm not beating the bloody pulp out of him. Don't you dare tell me that I'm not helping him." A sudden, sickening realization hit Haley. He knew. Her best friend since kindergarten, the one person who had always been on her side, had somehow learned the darkest secret she held. And he wasn't going to do anything to help her. Someone else was near them suddenly.
"Oh, god. Lucas, we have to get a teacher or the principal or someone. Why aren't you doing anything?" Brooke's voice held even more hysteria than Haley's. The earth started shaking beneath her feat, and her legs were no longer reliable enough to hold her.
"Brooke, do you know what Haley and Jake have been doing during those song writing dates?" Haley's breath came in short, erratic gasps. It was so hard to breathe. Everything was pressing in on her at all sides, and at the same time, she felt impossibly light. Brooke was looking at her, confused.
"Haley…? What is he talking about?"
"Jake's been screwing Haley, to be blunt," Lucas said mirthlessly, his voice devoid of any emotion, purely cynical.
"Lucas! How dare you! Haley would never do that. Haley, he's lying, isn't he? You and Nathan love each other. You would never do that to him." No, he's not lying, Brooke. I've done something that I promised myself I would never do. I've made a terrible mistake. Brooke's face held so much desperate hope, and Haley swallowed back the wave of nausea that assaulted her, the revulsion of her own acts. It was no use giving Brook false hope when she's find out sooner or later.
"It's true, Brooke." Her voice, almost inaudible, somehow made its way to Brooke despite the volume of the crowd. Brooke's face, the words that she uttered, and her walk away from them was all lost on Haley. She could only take in the people crowded around, watching Jake and Nathan fight, back and forth, back and forth. Every time one came close to being on top, the other took over. Their faces were hardly recognizable. Her head was spinning, and distantly she knew that she would pass out if she didn't sit down somewhere. Less distantly, she knew that sitting down wasn't an option. She leaned over and retched into the grass, wiping her mouth on her sleeve when she was done. She ran towards the door, fumbling with it for what seemed like hours before getting in. She ran for the one person she knew would stop all of the madness, if only for a moment.
"Haley, what're you doing here? It's the middle of…"
"Whitey, Nathan and Jake are fighting outside. No one's getting help, and I think that one of them is going to get seriously hurt if they haven't already. They're fighting like madmen." Whitey's face darkened instantly and he muttered, striding out into the hallway and calling three or four members of the basketball team to come with him on his way outside. Haley's legs gave out and she huddled against the desk, unable to catch her breath. It was then that she first realized that there were tears streaming down her face.
Everyone knows I'm
in
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's
on your mind
&
Jake groaned, trying to dodge the punches in between throwing his own. He should have been focused on pinning Nathan down, keeping him contained enough so that he didn't have to fight him. Instead he couldn't stop that question from bouncing around his head. How did he find out? He and Haley had never been indiscreet. They always met at his house, not the apartment. He always had his parents baby-sit Jenny when Haley came instead of a friend or someone from school so there was no chance of anything possibly incriminating getting back to anyone.
At the back of his mind he wondered what had happened to Haley. He'd heard her screaming, known she was crying without having to spare the glance. It just made him even angrier with Nathan, and that was the last thing that he needed. He was the one in the wrong; there was no question of that. It was his responsibility to stop the fight without hurting Nathan. But hearing Haley cry like that…
He loved her, so desperately and deeply that his whole body ached every time he saw her with Nathan. If they knew the whole story, no one would have doubted that. They'd tried so hard, she'd tried so hard. The two of them had never been strong or weak at the same time, and maybe that had been the problem. When she was lost in the music, not focusing on him at all, he couldn't get his eyes off of her or stop wondering what it would feel like to touch her hair, the same color as the sun. Whenever he'd managed to get his composure together, she'd be struggling to hold on for dear life. It was bound to happen.
They'd felt guilty the first time. She had cried for what seemed hours, and he'd tried to stay away from her, hardly able to look at her. The urge to comfort her, to ease the pain, was too much for him. He held her, drying her tears on the corner of the sheet. She hadn't resisted. Neither of them did after that.
Jake gasped in pain. His ears were ringing and pricks of light were swirling around his vision, and he could fill the warm trickle of blood running down his neck. The small reserve of strength that he'd had left, so fleeting, had diminished entirely. Again and again it happened. Suddenly it was all over, and someone was pulling Nathan off of him. Whitey, the man who'd been more of a father to him than his own, held him up. For all intents and purposed he carried him across the parking lot to his old, beat-up car. "Come on now, son. No reason to get the ambulance here and have the police involved just yet. They'll all come soon enough, but we need to get you taken care of first." Jake was too exhausted to say anything, so he leaned his head back against the headrest, fading into darkness.
Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Say that we
agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get
along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you
discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above
as the canyon comes between
&
Haley hated herself for hiding in Whitey's office, but she couldn't move. She'd heard everyone talking in the hallways. "Did you hear about Jake Jageilski and Nathan Scott?" "Better than that, I saw it. It was brutal, and I hear it was all over Nathan's wife. Apparently she's been less than the good little housewife if you catch my drift." "I can't believe that slut! Who lets a guy like Nathan slip through their hands? And all for a single dad nobody, too! Talk about messed up…" She wanted to clench her teeth, to jump up and yell at them all. They didn't know what they were talking about. None of them knew anything about the last three months. As hard as she tried, Haley couldn't will herself to wish them gone. She could only wish away the consequences of her actions.
It had started out simply. Jake was back in town. There had been an accident of some sort and Nikki had died. He was granted full custody of Jenny, and he'd decided to come back to Tree Hill. His parents just wanted him home and were more than willing to give him the help he needed to graduate with his friends. Haley had agreed to tutor him to help him catch up. It had been innocent. Probably the only innocent offer either had given the other.
It hadn't taken them long to start fighting. Jake was jaded and bitter, but there was still something hopeful and vulnerable about him. She fought to bring it out, and he fought to make her face reality, to get rid of her idealism and deal with the facts. A strange sort of bond had ensued. They said anything they wanted to the other without being afraid of arguments simply because they knew they would argue regardless. Arguments weren't something to hide from for the two. They always ended up laughing and smiling at the end of them.
When baby-sitting conflicts became a problem, Haley told him to bring Jenny along. The two of them had bonded in a way that not even Peyton and Jenny had; there was a certain fluid assuredness that Haley had with Jenny that made taking care of her while talking to Jake or singing or working on Trigonometry problems seem as natural as breathing; as right as breathing. Despite the fact that Jenny was always with them, the focus was always on each other primarily. That didn't stop Haley from developing an attachment to the little girl that was so deep that it scared her. However innocent and well founded Nathan's birth control concerns had been they'd wounded her. Being around Jenny just brought the obvious to light; she was born to be a mother.
Their musical interests ran so deep for both that it didn't take long for Jake to suggest the obvious: he'd been working on a few songs, and he could really use some input. She might be exactly what the music needed. She was, and in so many ways. Nathan had been oblivious; he'd encouraged her, happy that she'd found someone closer to home to share her music with. He knew what an important part of her life it was, and he didn't want her to be without it. Without even realizing what he was doing, he was nudging her towards Jake. The songs that had started light and happy became dark and intense; they both knew that they weren't writing about imaginary people, they were writing about each other.
Their first kiss took place on the afternoon that they finished the first song that they'd officially co-written together. They'd hatched the idea together, brought it into being, argued over rhythms and rhyme schemes until they came to agreements and compromises, and they'd finished it. It had been excitement more than anything. She'd jumped into his arms and he hadn't resisted. He'd embraced her so tightly that the breath was pushed out of her. It was just a matter of looking up slightly, of being unable to look away, and he was lost in her. She tasted sweet and bitter all at the same time; like something that he needed desperately but couldn't ever have.
They couldn't avoid
each other after that. It would've been too obvious, and the last
thing that they needed was someone finding out. The justifications
had come easily, and avoidances had been hard. Pretending that there
was nothing there was pointless. They both knew it wasn't true. So
without thinking about the consequences or fully realizing what they
were doing, they spent a series of afternoons full of precious
moments and smiles and tears together, edging further towards the
worst of it until they had lost their footing and fallen beyond
recovery. They almost always fought over telling Nathan, alternating
sides. It always ended up with them in bed together somehow.
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
With eight
seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
&
Haley stepped timidly into the hospital room, looking nervously at Nathan. They wouldn't be keeping him overnight for observation; the fatal wounds he carried weren't physical. He looked at her, almost uncomprehendingly. "Why are you here?" he finally choked out. Anger was mixed in with sadness, and looking at him made Haley realize for the first time what she'd done to him, how profoundly she had broken him.
"Nathan, I came to see you. I wanted to make sure you were okay. You're my husband, and I love you." She was babbling, but it was something she was good at. It was easier than hearing his responses.
"Did you love me when you were sleeping with one of our best friends?" Upon seeing her face, he gave a humorless smirk, the usual cockiness gone. "You can't figure it out, can you? How I found out. I walked over to Jake's house yesterday with food for both of you. I thought that you could use a break from all of that intense work. Instead I found you taking a very different kind of break."
"You knew last night?" It sounded pathetic even to her own ears, but it hit her hard; she wasn't the only one who could fool people.
"Yeah. I waited until today to deal with the bastard. He deserved to have everyone know what he did." Hearing the man she loved talking about the other man she loved like that was more than she could take.
"Nathan, I know I don't deserve it, but please try to understand. It wasn't… it wasn't like that." He looked at her fiercely, tears shining in his eyes; tears that she wanted more than anything to brush away. She hadn't thought that there was any more water left behind her eyes, but she quickly found that she'd been wrong.
"I love you so much. You make me feel safe and protected and wanted. You're the man that I want to have my children with. But with Jake… it's just…" she struggled for words, knowing that nothing that she said would adequately and honestly describe it would hurting Nathan even more. "… different," she finished.
"So let me get this straight. You go to Jake, you two start sleeping together on a regular basis, and you lie to not just me but to your best friend and my brother, to Brooke, and to Jake's ex girlfriend just so you can experience something 'different'?" Nathan spoke slowly, resentment slicing through the air and hurtling straight towards Haley in his words. In times past she would've scrambled for a defense, tried to do something, anything, to make him forgive her without having to be humbled. It was too late for that, now. She'd fallen. She was the one in the wrong. She was the one who needed to beg.
"There's nothing that I can say to you to make you understand, Nathan, and I don't want you to understand. I think that it would just hurt you more. What you need to know it that… my heart is still with you. If you'll have me, I will never, ever do this to you again." Haley was close to his side, grasping his hands. He flinched but didn't pull away.
"What's supposed to make me think that you'll be true to your word this time when you weren't even true to our wedding vows?" More tears spilled down her cheeks, and she pulled his hand to her face. She was literally on the ground on her knees next to the hospital bed.
"We can move away. We can even live in separate places until you think that you can look at me without seeing him again, whenever that is. We don't ever have to talk to him again. Ever." No, no, no! It was the right thing to do, Haley knew; the only chance she had at saving what she'd told herself, him, and everyone they knew was an unshakable, forever love. But deep down in the pit of her stomach, she could feel a fire starting and spreading through her bones, destroying her slowly and rapidly all at the same time. Nathan didn't answer for awhile, looking down at his wedding ring. He finally spoke.
"Do you love him?" She was thrown. She'd foolishly thought that it would be enough to make promises that she would manage to keep this time. He deserved the truth; the whole, unadulterated truth was the one thing that would destroy them. The truth was that she loved Jake so much that it floored her, scared her out of her wits. She fought with him constantly, but he made her smile like no one else, not even her husband. The truth was that she'd made the mistake of marrying too young and had lost out on what could have made her happier than anything. And now she had to pay for it. She had to give him the truth… just not all of it.
"Nathan, I wouldn't have slept with him if I didn't love him. But he and I…" she closed her eyes. "We're nothing like you and I." It was the truth. However ugly and twisted, it was the truth, and it was working. She could see that behind his defenses, Nathan's resolve was already beginning to weaken. "I love you so much and I… I can't lose you. Whatever it is that I need to do to keep you, I will. If you need me to stay away, I will. If you want me right here, I won't leave your side. Just tell me what it is that you want me to do." He voice was trembling, and tears were falling on Nathan's cheeks. There was such a terrible vulnerability, such a betrayed trust there, and she knew that that look would haunt her for the rest of her life.
"Stay with me, Haley.
Don't leave me." She buried her head in his chest, and the two of
them cried together. And suddenly I become a part of your
past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and
its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In
the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves
&
She waited until Nathan was asleep to slip out. She needed a coffee, something… "Leaving already, I see." She closed her eyes, trying to shut out the pain.
"Lucas, please don't make this any harder than it already is. I hurt my husband in an unspeakable way. I know that. I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to make that up to him. You don't have to convince me that I'm a terrible person, I already believe it." He looked into her eyes, his face still angry.
"Why, Haley? Why wasn't my brother good enough? Why didn't you think about all the people this would hurt? Nathan's not the only one who's hurting over this." She gulped, trying to find words… she was so tired of trying to find the words to make amends when there were no words.
"Lucas, please don't judge me. You of all people… you're my best friend. I need a best friend right now. Yell at me later, when I'm stronger. I have to go and break someone's heart, along with my own. Can I at least do that in peace?" Something changed in his face, although it was almost imperceptible. Maybe it was because of her slumped shoulders and the discoloration under her eyes, or maybe it was the defeat in her voice.
"Be quick. You need to be back before Nathan wakes up." She nodded, running a hand over her face.
"Which room…?"
"Five doors down on the left side of that hallway." She didn't bother to say thank you; she simply dragged her body in the right direction. When she reached the room, her heart stuck in her throat. He looked so completely defenseless. His eyes flickered up to her, and they almost instantly filled with resignation.
"You know why I'm here." He nodded. She couldn't stand the silence; they should've been fighting. They were good at fighting. This wasn't a fight, it was terrible and awkward and a merciless way for her to end things. Hers hadn't been the only heart involved. "I have to go back to him. I never even left him. He's my husband."
"Do you really love him, like you love me?" Her mind shut down. They had never actually said the words. They'd known it, but saying it would've been to cross a line that they never quite had the courage to cross until now, when it didn't matter anymore.
"No, I don't. But I do love him, and that's the important thing. We knew from the start that we were on borrowed time. I was being selfish and childish and…"
"Stop." It was said in such a harsh, emotional whisper that Haley complied immediately. His eyes were glimmering, and she knew it wasn't just the lighting. "You think that you were the only one who knew what they were doing? You think that I didn't know all along what I was putting on the line? You have to apologize to the rest of them, but don't you dare say that you're sorry for everything that happened between us to me, Haley. It means too much for me to hear you say that it was a mistake. At least let me remember you wanting it as much as I did, whether it's the truth or not; I need that." For the first time since they had first kissed, maybe even before that, Haley found the restraint to keep from cradling his head in her arms like she wanted to, to keep from stroking his hair and kissing his brow.
"Oh, Jake, I wasn't using you. I wanted this so badly…" she let out a whimper before she regained what was left of her composure. "I'm so sorry that I was too late. That I don't have the courage even now to do the wrong thing and be true to my heart."
"I'm sorry too. But you are doing what's right, and the Haley I know wouldn't do anything else. I love you, Haley, and I want you to remember that. No matter where you go or what you're doing, there will always be a part of me with you that's missing you. Please don't forget that." She kissed him quickly, pulling away before she had time to give in.
"Then remember that I felt the same. Bye, Jake." She strode out of the room quickly, bumping into the wall two or three things because her vision was so obstructed by the tears in her eyes. Lucas was standing, waiting for her, when she got back to the room. "I'm sorry, Lucas. I was so selfish. So incredibly…" Something inside him snapped, and Lucas pulled her into a hug.
"Just get it out,
Hales," he murmured into her hair, which was all the encouragement
she needed. By the time Nathan woke up, her face was fresh and she
was strong enough to help him hobble out to the car and drive him
home. Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
With
eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
&
Haley sat on the park bench, memories drifting over her. She and Nathan never had moved; Jake had left with Jenny for Savannah as soon as he'd been discharged from the hospital. She hadn't expected a goodbye; after all, they'd already said their goodbyes. She had still hoped for one, though. His final words still echoed through her mind… "No matter where you go or what you do, there will always be a part of me that's missing you." She started out of her reverie when she realized that Peyton was sitting down next to her. "Hey…" Peyton said, drifting off unsurely.
"What are you… what are you doing here?" Haley could've kicked herself, sounding so suspicious; she'd heard the fights between Brooke and Peyton, and she knew that Peyton had been the one to defend her in them.
"Well, I figured that no one knows what a broken heart over something that should never have happened in the first place is like better than me, and since I'm the only one who won't judge at all… I could listen to you. You know, if you need to talk to somebody. Or not, if you don't want to. I'm sorry, I know I'm coming across as condescending and that's not how I meant it…" Haley could tell that it was a struggle for Peyton to sit here saying these things, and she appreciated it. She'd missed her friend.
"No, I understand. I just… why would you want to talk to me? You loved Jake, and even though you weren't with him, we went behind your back." Peyton smile sadly.
"Yeah, well, there are different kinds of love. Some that will always be there, and some that are only for a season of your life. Me and Jake were seasonal. I won't begin to guess whether you and Jake are permanent or not, and it's not my place to do so. I don't want you to think that I'm casting any blame on you. It's just… it gets lonely without Brooke sometimes, you know? And I figured that you must be lonely too." Haley nodded. They weren't exactly having an elegant conversation, but she felt them easing into the unique, uncomplicated rhythm that they had had last year. She knew that Peyton wouldn't rush her, so she took her time before she started.
"I loved him. I still do. And what kills me is that every day I'm going to have to look into my husband's eyes and know that I'm deceiving him, making him think that he's the love of my life… when someone else left a void in my heart that not even he can fill…"