6teen Caitlin Hole
*Parody of Futurama episode
"What if Caitlin had never maxed out her credit card?"
After browsing through the Khaki Barn for several minutes, Caitlin still didn't know what to do with herself. For all her skills and shopping prowess, she just couldn't seem to find anything that looked good. The lead salesgirl looked at her with a slight touch of frustration.
"Are you going to be, like, buying anything today?"
Caitlin then found herself giving the one response that she never thought she'd give in her life. A single tear rolled down her cheek.
"No."
No sooner had that single fateful word left her lips, then something suddenly began to shift. There was a blinding flash, and then, all of a sudden, a glowing white hole seemed to open up right in the middle of the store. And, staring back at her, were several people Caitlin had never seen before. One of them, a Hispanic male with high hair, looked back and forth in a state of total bewilderment.
"Whoa! What the heck is this?"
A lanky skater in a beanie answered him in a slow drawl.
"No idea, bro."
Next to them, another young man with dark skin and dreadlocks seemed to have an answer.
"It looks like a hole in the space-time continuum."
The Hispanic boy rolled his eyes.
"Thank you, Professor Science."
Also with them was a vaguely Asian girl with many bizarre piercings and dyed hair.
"Heh. Look, some scared chick. ROAR!"
She lunged at Caitlin, who then proceeded to scream and dash out of the Khaki Barn in a state of total panic.
Hours later, Caitlin had finally begun to calm down, courtesy of a Lemon Slush from the local juice joint The Big Squeeze. As she drank it, she turned to her current best friend, Trisha, whom she had just related her story to.
"You believe me about the monsters, right, Trish?"
The fluffy-haired girl could only stare back at her incredulously.
"You're saying these so-called "monsters" are what kept you from finding anything good at the Khaki Barn?"
"I think we may have more important things to worry about than shopping right now, Trisha. Wow, there's something I never thought I'd say."
Her eyes fell on a scraggly young man holding a lightsaber who had just reached the ordering counter.
"Hey. He looks pretty smart, maybe that guy would know what's going on."
Trisha stood up, barely hiding her eagerness to end the conversation.
"I've gotta go. Later, Kate."
"Yes, can I get a Blueberry Sludge with a shot of the Energy Boost, please? The Force is currently not strong in this one."
No sooner had he placed his order, then he found Caitlin standing uncomfortably close right up next to him.
"Hi. Just a quick question, 'cause I figured you might know. Has anyone ever discovered a hole in nothing with monsters in it?"
Unnoticed by Caitlin, the young man's eyes suddenly became very wide. Still, she continued.
"Because, if I'm the first, I want them to call it The Caitlin Hole."
Katie, the cute brunette who took over running the lemon after the other girl (did Caitlin know her?) left, handed him a blue mixed drink from behind the counter.
"Here's your drink."
"I don't want it!"
With that, the strange boy ran away, leaving behind both his drink order and a very confused Caitlin.
The cold air outside the mall stung Caitlin's nose and the full moon above cast eerie shadows as she waited for her father's car to come and pick her up. She shivered, drawing her thin coat tight around her shoulders.
"Brr! Oh, where is Daddy?"
The cold was immediately forgotten as a very welcome sight came blowing by.
"Ooh! An Albatross and Finch 25% off coupon!"
She ran to catch it, going deep into the darkest part of the parking lot. Suddenly, someone screamed.
"There she is! Get her!"
Many hard plastic things proceeded to beat Caitlin around her head until she mercifully passed out, though not before she finally grabbed the elusive coupon.
When she awoke, Caitlin found herself in a long dark room. Before her stood one of the most famous Canadians in recent history. He spoke to her in his easily recognizable bizarre syntax.
"Good to see you, Caitlin Cooke. I am William Shatner."
Caitlin gasped.
"The guy who played Captain Kirk on Star Trek?"
Darths's voice came from somewhere behind Shatner.
"Indeed he is."
"And I believe you already know Darth. To my right, you will recognize Harold McGrady from Total Drama Island and its second season Total Drama Action."
The eyeglass-wearing red-head raised a finger in a calm and cool salute.
"Hey."
"Together, we are a group of top nerds whose sole duty is to protect the universe from collapsing due to complications in the space-time continuum."
Caitlin was confused.
"But I thought your sole duty was to autograph DVD boxes at Star Trek conventions."
Harold fielded the question.
"And also to protect the space-time continuum. It's in his contract, GOSH!"
Slowly, Caitlin's blonde brain began to put the pieces together.
"Oh! You all must want to see my Caitlin Hole."
Darth nodded eagerly.
"Oh, yes, very much so."
Harold looked up from a table full of complex physics equations.
"We've determined that what you witnessed was a tear in the fabric of space-time which was caused when something should have happened but didn't, due to a quantum fluctuation."
"Which is why we had to beat you with lightsabers."
Shatner cleared his throat.
"If we don't find some way to close up that hole, then the entire universe as we know it could be destroyed. And I, for one, am against that!"
The next day, Caitlin and her allies returned to the Khaki Barn. The lead salesgirl instantly recognized Harold.
"Ooh! You're that Harold guy from Total Drama! Could I, like, have your autograph?"
"No time today, ladies. We're on a mission here."
Caitlin recounted the previous day's experiences.
"Let's see…I'd been shopping all day, and I decided to stop by the Khaki Barn for one last little purchase. But I couldn't find anything I liked, so I was just about to leave before that hole-thingy opened up."
"That's it!"
Everyone in the store turned their attention to Darth.
"What if Caitlin was supposed to by something here? That would explain everything!"
Harold pulled out a calculator and began pressing buttons.
"I'll be the judge of that."
Suddenly, there was a blinding flash of light and the mysterious hole reappeared. The salesgirls screamed and ran for cover, while the nerds stood in sheer awe. The Hispanic guy from before was the first to notice yet again.
"Hey, it's back."
He leaned in close to Caitlin, and she could smell the jalepenos from the Wonder Taco he had apparently eaten recently.
"How about we pick up where we left off, hottie?"
The dark-skinned man chastised his friend.
"Jonesy, I think we have more important things to worry about right now."
It was then that Jonesy noticed Darth, Harold and Shatner. He screamed and drew back in horror.
"AAHHH! She brought nerds!"
Darth pointed to the credit card reader at the cash register.
"Hurry, Caitlin! We only have a few minutes before the universe implodes in on itself. If you want to live, then hurry and buy something, now!"
Caitlin began to panic.
"No, wait! I need some kind of weapon to fend off that sleazy-looking guy-"
The pierced girl laughed, snorting a bit before Caitlin finished her sentence.
"Heh heh (snerk). Sleazy."
"And that scary girl!"
At that, the girl's face fell.
Darth threw her the weapon which he always carried.
"Here! Take my lightsaber! Now go!"
Caitlin hesitated, her brow furrowing and now drenched in sweat. All of a sudden, she raised the lightsaber high and smashed it into the credit card reader, bending and damaging it beyond repair. She was laughing maniacally as Shatner grabbed her collar and shook her violently.
"You fool! You've doomed us all!"
One of the blonde salesgirls popped her head back up from under a pile of baby Tees.
"Uh, can we come out now? We have other customers to serve, you-"
The next thing Caitlin saw was Harold's angry face floating in front of her in a giant white, gravity-less void.
"Smooth move, Ex-lax! Gosh!"
Caitlin looked around, but the only other things she could see around her were the nerds.
"Where are we right now?"
Shatner snorted.
"Well, I can definitely tell you where we're not."
"So what do we do now?"
Seemingly from nowhere, Darth produced a DM shield and a thick hardcover book.
"Does anybody wanna play the Star Wars tabletop role-playing game for the next quadrillion years? You know, just to kill time while we wait for something to happen?"
Everyone instantly gathered around him and chattered all at once.
"I guess that sounds okay."
"Count me in!"
"I'm a 10th Level Starship Captain!"
END