SUMMER 2016

"Dorkiplier."

"Jack-in-the-box."

"…Uh… guys?"

"MarkiBARF-"

"SEPTICUNT-"

"JESUS! GUYS!" Bob was yelling now, attempting to drive a virtual wedge between his two friends as they giggled idiotically, exchanging increasingly creative insults. "Are we done recording?"

Bob normally enjoyed the snarky banter - often participated, in fact - but they had been recording for hours, and he was ready to log off for the night.

Mark paused in his giggle fit. "Sorry Bob! I think we're good!"

"Yeah Bob, thanks man," Jack added. He knew that he and Mark had reached the point of unhinged delirium, and felt badly for subjecting Bob to their antics. "Maybe we should pick it up after we all get some sleep?"

"Great, thanks guys," Bob said, without a hint of annoyance. Then, coolly, "See ya, Septiplier." He disconnected.

Jack continued in his giggle fit, but Mark's smile started to slip. He was exhausted. The timing was terrible. But he decided he needed to take that comment from Bob as a sign. He needed to talk to Jack. For realsies.

"Hey man," Mark said. Don't be weird. Don't be weird."Could I talk to you for a few?" Before you sign off?" Nailed it.

"Aren't we talking right now?" Jack said brightly. He was tired too, but had been thoroughly enjoying himself, and hadn't planned on sleeping any time soon. "What's up?"

"So, there's this thing." Great start."I just have some stuff…" Oh God, so awkward."I just wanted to know…" What am I even saying?!"Hang on a second."

Jack watched with mild concern as his friend - his normally confident, articulate friend - struggled to put a sentence together, before his face disappeared from the screen altogether.

"Mark?"

A chat window appeared where Mark's face had been.

M: Hey man, is it okay if we talk like this?

J: oh god, it's my voice, isn't it? i know it can be a bit much. no problem, i can screech at you plenty tomorrow.

Jack meant it as a joke, and hoped Mark would respond well to the light-hearted remark. He knew something was up. Something serious. They had spent countless hours playing games together and keeping each other entertained through video chat, and Mark had never switched gears like this.

M: Come on man, you know I love hanging out. I just wanted to talk to you about something, and as you may have noticed, I've been completely consumed by awkwardness.

J: i getcha. it's no problem. how can i help? are you alright?

M: Yeah, I'm fine. I just have a couple of questions.

J: about?

M: Septiplier.

J: heh, like, our fake alter-egos who snog and stuff?

M: Yeah. Them.

J: c'mon mark, bob was just joking. he knew that comment would get to you. not a big deal, yeah?

M: It's not really about what Bob said. This has been on my mind for a while. I was just looking for an excuse to talk to you about it.

J: ok. well, you said you had questions… ask away!

M: Have you read any of the stuff they write about us?

J: not really… snippets here and there. i mostly know what other people tell me. fans like to think about us hooking up and such, yeah?

M: Yeah, kind of. You should check it out sometime. You won't believe the amount of stuff out there. Hundreds of posts. Every topic and situation you can imagine. Chapters upon chapters of the stuff.

Jack let his fingers slide off his keyboard while he considered the tone of this conversation. They'd talked about the Septiplier phenomenon in the past. Mark had always played it off perfectly- he could acknowledge it and joke about it, but it never seemed to affect the way he treated Jack. The fact that Mark had continued to invest in their friendship in the face of so much awkward publicity was one of the things Jack appreciated most about his friend. Mark wasn't just any guy. He was supremely cool, both charismatic and caring at the same time. And here he was, agonizing over something in the middle of the night, and allowing Jack to witness it. Jack decided to be as supportive as possible.

J: so i take it you've been browsing and getting a bit wigged out? i mean, the septiplier thing has been around for a while. i never really felt like it affected our friendship much, and i've always appreciated that. so what's bothering you?

Mark ground the palms of his hands into his eyelids, trying to scrub away the exhaustion as he considered Jack's response. This could be going much worse, he thought. He punished himself internally for letting these thoughts get to such an awkward place. And for underestimating Jack. Jack, who had always been there for him. Jack, the least judgmental person he knew. Jack, one of the few people in the world he really trusted. He decided to go for it.

M: I'll do my best to explain. So, you know the schedule I keep, how busy I am all the time. And you know I love it. I love my job, I love what I do. But the pace of it can be… exhausting. Draining. I'm worried about what I could be losing. Or missing. When I read what people write about me… what they write about us… sometimes I worry that my fans know more about me than I know about myself. When I read that stuff I think, am I still capable of caring about someone that way? Am I capable of letting someone care about me? Is all of this work, this effort even worth it? What could I be missing out on?

Jack read and re-read Mark's stream of consciousness. He wasn't sure if Mark was trying to make a point about their friendship, or if he was hinting at a more general identity crisis.

J: i know what you mean about the pace. it can be easy to lose touch with yourself, especially when you're… performing… all the time. do you think you may need a break? take some time, figure some things out?

M: Maybe. That's only part of it though. The other part is…

J: hmm?

M: The other part is you. Us. The whole deal.

Jack didn't respond right away. Mark ran a hand through his black and red hair and shifted uncomfortably in his computer chair. He stared around his darkened bedroom, which was sparsely decorated. He thought about the dresser he'd bought when he moved into this house, and how several of the drawers remained empty- he didn't own enough clothes to fill them. He thought about how silly his king-sized bed looked with a single pillow on it. He thought about how many late nights he'd spent avoiding logging off- recording videos on his own, or hoping his friends would stick it out with him for one more game, one more round, one more hour- anything to avoid the silence, the darkness, the vastness of his empty bed. He thought about the fact that Jack was so often his lifeline, a friendly voice he could always count on, a bright spot in a dark night that just kept coming.

J: i want to help, mark, but i'm not sure what you mean. you said you're worried the fans might know you better than you know yourself… are you worried you might be liking men? in a… more than "friendly" way? because that would be fine! your friends and your fans love you. they just want you to be happy. i just want you to be happy.

M: Thanks. I know that's true, that's why I brought this up to you. YOU make me happy. Not "men" – YOU. I didn't used to think much about it because we became good friends so naturally. And I have always been attracted to women in the past. I never even thought about dating men. It just wasn't how I grew up. I knew that "straight" was the norm, that I was supposed to date girls. So I've been walking that path. But… do you ever wonder if people date who they date because they really want to, or if it's actually because of other people's expectations? Have you ever wondered who you'd really choose, out of all the people in the world?

J: you make me happy too, mark. these are complicated questions. i've never really been sure if I'm 100% "straight" or not. like you said, it's so much easier to just do what other people expect from you. it's always been that way for me. i've dated a few girls but honestly, never felt a connection strong enough to keep my attention away from my work and my friends. i always thought it was more about meeting the right person… never really thought too hard about whether that would be a guy or a girl. and when it comes to you…

Mark's senses were starting to sharpen a bit. He had expected Jack to be kind and accepting, but he hadn't expected… this. He had no idea that Jack had experienced similarly conflicted feelings. He bounced his knee impatiently, waiting for Jack to finish that sentence.

J: mark, i've looked up to you since before i even met you. you were like a rockstar to me. i know we don't really talk about it a lot, because i didn't want to make things weird between us. but I pretty much wake up in shock every day that you want to spend any of your time screwing around with me. you were like, my idol, man. and now you're like, my best friend. i live in constant fear of fucking it all up. so the way i feel about you… it's not exactly simple. i'm probably just as confused as you are.

M: Confused in a good way? Heh…

J: look, i have an idea. let's make an agreement. i will tell you one confusing thought i've had about you, and you can tell me one confusing thought you've had about me. something we haven't told each other before. no judgment, no weirdness after. promise. then, we should sleep on it. maybe talk more about it tomorrow.

M: No judgment? No weirdness? For real?

J: for realsies.

M: OK. Sounds fair. So… who goes first?

J: i think that'd be you. you know you can trust me, right? trust me. it'll feel good.

M: Ok. Here goes. I stay up way too late to avoid going to bed by myself. And you're the one person I always want to talk to. And you're the one person I wish I could see before I fall asleep. I honestly don't know what that means. I don't know what would happen if you were here right now. I just… wish you were.

J: listen. i don't know either. i do know that what i feel for you is… special. different than what i feel fer my other friends. different than what I felt for any of my girlfriends in the past. you are… my favorite person. and if i could be there now, I would.

Mark sat for a moment, taking this in. He knew that his friendship with Jack had grown over time, that it was something special. Something worth investing in. But they had spent so much of their time together working or goofing off. Jack had never articulated his feelings so clearly, or so seriously. Mark guessed he hadn't really given him a lot of chances, and cringed internally, thinking that his goofy personality – the same thing so many people claimed to love about him – was also the thing that kept even his closest friends at arm's length.

M: Thanks for telling me that. And for being for so cool about… everything. You promise we can talk more later? After we have some time to think?

J: under one condition. pick up your phone.