Harry's last words echoed through Remus's mind, a horrible song. "Coward," it giggled, forcing tears of hurt and anger to well in his eyes. He took a long swig of firewhisky, anger churning in his stomach like a dinner gone terribly wrong.
What had Remus been thinking? He knew how selfish he had been, marrying Tonks. But the curse he may have put on his unborn child… He shuddered as he imagined his family forced into the life he'd had as a child, moving from place to place, the son or daughter hidden from society.
He was ashamed, and the feeling washed down from his slightly graying hair to his ragged boots, chilling him, no matter how much firewhisky he drank. The tears that has been threatening to spill over for a while now tumbled down his cheeks, and he turned further into the corner he'd hidden himself into.
He'd had to leave, to protect Tonks and the child, for even if, by some miracle, the child didn't inherit his… Wolfish tendencies, he couldn't endanger them. On a full moon he was uncontrollable, and who knows what he might do to a defenseless baby. He knew Tonks, brave, loving Tonks, would never kill him, even if he threatened their own child. No, he could not go back.
Oh, Tonks. Her laugh danced across his mind, making him smile despite himself. It taken him so long to believe she could love a broken person like himself. She was always just a beautiful person he could love from afar, with her stubbornness, and kindness. She had an inherent goodness inside of her that made her glow so brightly. She'd been glowing the day she'd told him she was pregnant. Remus hadn't reacted at all the way she'd expected. She'd been so happy, sure that this could only mean good things, a promising future. But Remus had shouted, telling her that he could never have children. That he had just condemned Tonks and the baby to a life of misery. He could still see her shocked and hurt face, as though he'd slapped her. He'd left the door swinging wildly on the hinges of their tiny house.
He had thought Harry would welcome him with open arms, glad of an experienced wizard to help with his quest. He had thought very, very wrong. "I think my father would want to know why you weren't sticking with your own kid." Harry's accusations ricocheted around his mind, filling him with fury, and then, sadness. What would James have thought?
C'mon, Moony, what the hell are you doing? Be with your kid. Be brave for your kid. You've been so brave, mate. Why are you stopping now? Remus could hear his best friend's voice echo across the cavities of his mind.
Yeah mate, you're going to be so lucky. You would be able to grow up with your kid. James and I… We weren't so fortunate. Don't beat yourself up about the werewolf thing. Tonks doesn't care does she? Your kid won't either. Now go back to her, Remus, she needs you. Sirius added. His friends continued to badger him in his mind, reasoning with him. His friends always wanted the best for him. And Tonks was the best for him. But he wasn't the best for Tonks.
As the bartender silently refilled his tankard, Remus buried his face in his hands. However determined he was to stay far away from Tonks, his heart ached. He'd never felt the happiness he'd felt when he was with Tonks, not since he'd been a school boy at Hogwarts.
Moony, go back to her.
Her bubblegum pink hair flashed across his mind. Her laugh, and the little oomph she made whenever she bumped into something. Her hugs, warming him much better than any magic. She was so full of life, something he could never be.
Come on Moony… Do it for us.
A spasm of grief flashed through his body. James… Sirius… Lily… His friends, dead. His mother, dead. He wasn't sure if he could bare if anyone else he love died. He was sure if they did, he would shatter into a million pieces, not unlike when James and Lily died, when he thought Sirius betrayed them. But this time, there would be no one to pick up the pieces again. He was already very badly taped together, one tremor sure to make him fall apart again.
Be brave for us, mate. Be brave for her.
"I can't," he whispered, shoulder shaking with silent, slightly drunken tears.
"Can't what?" The bartender had returned. Remus studied him with guarded eyes.
"Can you refill this?" He asked, holding his again empty tankard.
"I can, but I won't. A man should only have so many drinks while he's wallowing. It isn't healthy." The bartender set the large jug of firewhisky on the opposite counter. "The name's Edwin Oakapple. You?" Remus didn't answer. "Ah, that's alright. Dark times, not always good to give out your name. Wise, that is. So, you left her, did you?" Remus jerked his head up.
"How did you know that?"
"I've been working here for ten years, mate. You learn how to pick up on things. You still love her, don't you?" Remus nodded silently. "And she loves you?"
"Unfortunately," Reus whispered.
"Now why do you say that?"
"I don't deserve that love," Remus rasped. "She deserves someone better, younger, more whole." Edwin cocked an eyebrow, but said nothing. "I can't weigh her down anymore."
"Do you think you're being noble, then, running from her?" Edwin asked slowly.
"You think I'm a coward." Remus said this matter-of-factly, his voice hollow.
"No. On the contrary, I think you're a very brave man. But you know," Edwin said, tilting his head, "sometimes the bravest thing you can do is let someone love you." He turned away as someone on the other end of the bar called for a refill. Walking away, he clapped Remus on the shoulder.
Edwin's words echoed in Remus's mind. You know mate, the man's got a point. James' voice butt in smugly. The bloke is a bit of a poet, but he's trying to help you out.
Remus could feel his resolve fading as his dead friends pleaded Tonk's case.
Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is let someone love you.
He imagined Tonks, with tears still streaming down her cheeks as hard and fast as they had been falling when he left the door trembling on its hinges.
His own eyes finally dry, he slowly rose from his chair. Dropping several Sickles on the counter in front of him, he fasted his cloak tightly. When he reached the Leaky Cauldron's doorframe, he glanced back, catching Edwin's eye. He nodded, before turning in his heel and apparating away, a resounding crack echoing off the dismal walls. He was going home.