I swear when I grow up, I won't just buy you a rose.
I will buy the flower shop, and you will never be lonely.
I could feel the tears in my eyes as I walked towards the entrance to the cemetery. While my wrinkled hands held a large bouquet of various colored roses, flashbacks of this day exactly a year ago popped up in my mind.
As I began walking into the cemetery, I felt as if I had to stop for a moment. My grip tightened on the bouquet of red and yellow roses that were in my hands. Albeit, my grip wasn't very tight, that's what years of arthritis will do to you, I suppose. Looking around, I drew in a deep breath as I fought the tears that were threatening to spill down my cheeks. As a child, my father had always told me that men never cried, and while I rarely listened to his "lessons" this one, for whatever reason, stayed in my mind. As I took another breath, I felt my feet taking me to one specific grave on the far side of this field. It felt as if my feet and my brain weren't working together. My feet were stuck in the present, and my mind was stuck replaying the memories of this day, exactly one year ago.
I imagined the silence in the house as I realized my husband's heart stopped beating. I felt the pain in my own heart, as well as the cool metal of his wedding ring as I rubbed my thumb across it, reminding him that he was still married to me, hoping for him to come back. I still felt tears rolling down my face and dripping on his hands. His cold, empty hands. The hands that I had been holding for over 60 years.
I found myself kneeling down as I placed the flowers on the ground in front of me. Brushing some of the dirt off the gravestone, I was able to make out what it said.
Here Lies
Kurt Elizabeth Hummel
May 27, 1993 - June 24, 2075
I read the words to myself over and over, as if somehow they could change. Like this was all some cruel joke that someone had played on me. Had it really been a year? An entire year without him? Still, this was something I couldn't seem to fathom. He was gone. He wasn't coming back.
A steady flow of tears started streaming down my cheeks as I tried to speak. Screw my father's wishes, he'd been dead for nearly 20 years now. He didn't matter to me anymore. By the time he had died, all connection with him had been cut off (by his own request, might I add) so pleasing him wasn't my main concern, I don't think it ever was. Finally, I heard myself starting to speak. Again, my mind was places where my body wasn't.
"Kurt.." I breathed out softly, the word almost a whisper. "Kurt, you..you promised you were never going to say goodbye." By this point the tears were flowing freely, they weren't even a thought in the back of my head. This felt natural, it felt good. "Kurt, I-I'm so lost right now. I'm so..I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not Blaine without Kurt. You made me who I am and now you're gone a-and it's like.." I paused for a moment to think. "It's like when you died, you took me with you. Now I'm just this empty shell of a person. I'm..staying with Elizabeth now. She and her husband are great, but you can tell they have so much pity for me. I don't want it. I don't want sympathy. I don't want people telling me I'll be okay. I don't want anyone acting as if this is a little bump in the road. I want you, Kurt, and you're gone. And you're never coming back...and I can't..I can't handle that. I honestly.." I took another deep breath as I tried to control my breathing.
"You know, I was reading something online...did you know people can literally die of broken hearts? I think that's what's happening to me. Except, instead of it happening quickly, like a heart attack or something, it's happening slowly. Very, very slowly. It's like I'm being tortured."
I could feel everything inside me withering away. It was as if every happy memory was a petal that was part of a flower that I call my life. But every happy memory I've had was distinctly Kurt and usually, the happy memories can grow back, new ones can form as you lose the old ones. But when Kurt left, it was as if he tugged up that flower by the roots and now I'm here. Not even a stem of me is left. Not a single petal left. And I know that I can't grow back into what I was before because he's gone.
"You're gone, Kurt..." I muttered, laying my head against his gravestone. "I miss you... so much. I miss everything about you. Si-sixty five years of so many great memories, amazing memories, that I'm already starting to forget. Please don't let me forget. Please."
I found myself pulling my head away from his stone. Sweeping a handkerchief across my face, my tears dried and were gone, but really, they'd always be there. The pain would always exist and I'm still not sure if I'll ever get rid of it. Instead of trying to lie to myself and act as if I was okay like I had been doing everyday for the past year, I stayed where I was kneeling. I leaned against his gravestone and embraced it, as if it were Kurt himself. Here I was; motionless, unknowing, unthinking. My mind had so many questions and thoughts, yet everything around me was silent.
After what seemed like just a few seconds, I opened my shut eyes and became more aware of my surroundings. Looking at my watch, I realized that I had been with Kurt for nearly half an hour. It didn't feel like it had been that long. I guess time flies when you're embracing your deceased husband's gravestone.
The sun was setting and the cemetery began getting creepier and darker. If only I could stay here with Kurt and protect him. Let him know everything will be okay and that I wouldn't let anything harm him. But then, I remembered that Elizabeth would start worrying and I didn't want my daughter coming to look for me and finding me in the cemetery where her other father was resting. So, I started picking myself up from the ground. It took a long time and a lot of effort, but I succeeded. I keep forgetting that I'm growing older and pretty soon, these simple things will become impossible for me to do. Taking one more look at my husband, I smiled softly and reassuringly. Just to let him know that I'll be okay. I'm sure that's what he would want... for me to be okay.
"Bye for now, sweetie."
I turned the other way and headed to the car. During the whole drive home, I thought about Kurt. No, I didn't cry, but I was deep in thought. That was when I remembered that I had a box. It was a special box. This box contained a lot of the physical things that made me happy that had to do with Kurt. It had things both him and I didn't ever want to lose. The last time I remembered seeing it was when I was packing everything so it could be moved to Elizabeth's house. I had to find it.
My heart nearly skipped from excitement as my eyes caught sight of the medium, velvet box. It had been sitting on top of a shelf in the closet for the past year, ever since I moved into the hosue. I ran my fingers along the gold embroidery and gently gripped the handle. As I pulled it open, little bits of dust came flying out, but everything in the box was still in good condition. The first thing I saw was the little ring I made for Kurt my junior year. It was made out of Wrigley's wrappers. I could feel a soft smile as I remembered when I first gave it to him. He said that if it was an engagement ring, his answer was yes. If only he knew that just a couple years later, I'd end up proposing with a much prettier and expensive ring. If only he knew what would happen the next 60 years. All of the fun times we've had. Even all of the hard times were memorable. Basically, every moment I spent with him while he was alive, good and bad, made me who I am now...or at least what I was before he passed. Growing up, I'd always been confused about who exactly I was, but when I was with Kurt, that stuff didn't matter so much. There were no questions, no rushing to figure out who I was. I was always just Blaine to him, and he was always just Kurt to me. I think that's hard to find, especially when looking for someone you're going to spend the rest of your life with. It's something I'm grateful for, but I never really got the chance to thank him for that. For, anything, really. Maybe one day I'll get that chance again. Until then, I have my memories, and I guess that's enough, for now.
"The Gambler" by fun.
We do not own this song nor do we take credit for it.
There will be more chapters posted soon of other things that are in the box and we'll have some fluffy Klaine flashbacks for you! Keep updated!
Thanks for reading! Just to let you all know, there are two writers. Me, jjimene5, and Alyssa. Feedback and reviews are greatly appreciated!