I'm in love with John Paul and Doug together and I saw a fan video the other day to the song Something I Need by OneRepublic, its wonderful and inspired this fic…go check it out if you don't know what I'm talking about.
There's talk of Craig but he's merely a thought, a notion, a pesky burden on John Paul's mental stability, which ever you prefer.
Reviews are love; let me know what you think.
I was carrying a lot of hatred when I came back to Hollyoaks. There was a bitter tang constantly in my mouth, a disgusting ache settled in my bones, a poison consisting of undiluted disdain flowing through my veins. I didn't want to be this way, I tried not to be but I had been hurt. I had been tossed to the side like I was nothing, trash; scum and I couldn't shake that.
I never felt like I was enough for Craig. I always felt like there was something between us, a constant barrier that try as I might I couldn't get through. For a long time I struggled to be what he wanted, what he needed but I could never, and would never measure up.
It's hard loving someone who is doing their damnedest day and night to not love you.
Craig didn't want to be gay. Or at least he never came to terms with it. Unfortunately for him, he was—gay and in love with a guy. I know now that he hated the fact that he was attracted to guys. In essence he may have loved me but he didn't want to, so it was more like love watered down and distorted till it was a screwed up shell of its former self.
What hurt, and I mean really hurt was that it wasn't me; it would never have been me because I wasn't what he wanted to want. I wasn't a girl. Craig wanted desperately to be straight, to want long flowing hair, curves and breasts, not flat, strong and masculine. Not me.
Love shouldn't be the way Craig loved. Love shouldn't be one-sided. Love shouldn't be pining and hoping and wishing and praying for someone and something that was right in front of you, with you in theory but never really with you. I think loving Craig did me more harm than good, left me scarred, aching and bruised.
He left me empty.
Empty and sad with a jaded view on that four lettered word that I no longer believe in. I didn't want to be in love. I didn't want to fall in love; I didn't want anything to do with it because I knew it brought nothing but pain. And pain was something that sure as hell wasn't in short supply with me.
Like I was saying I was carrying a lot of hatred when I came back to Hollyoaks.
I was hoping though it wouldn't last long because I would be with my family. My mom and my sisters and I knew if anyone could make me feel better it would be them. And at the very least they'd be able to distract me from my shit with their drama because there was always drama where they were concerned; I knew I could count on that.
I wasn't however counting on Doug.
Meeting Doug.
Doug with his easy, dazzling smile and breathtaking blue eyes, I'd never seen eyes that blue before. And his charming and light disposition, quick humor and lithe figure, caught me off guard to say the least, but I liked it. A lot.
It actually frightened me just how much I liked Doug. I wasn't ready for that. Was I?
No, no I wasn't. Not at all. I was still getting over Craig. Once I got over my anger and hurt I then had to begin getting over him and that was another ball game entirely.
The problem was that every time I convinced myself that being friends and only friends with Doug was what was best, my brain thought it was alright to imagine what Doug tasted like, how soft his skin was under his Deli uniform, what he looked like in the throes of passion. Many times I had to catch myself before my imagination got a bit too vivid and out of control.
I was able to quell my hidden desires and content myself with mere friendship but God was it difficult. Especially with how incredibly caring Doug was. He was that friend that everybody wants to spend all their time with and who knows everyone's secrets because everybody trusts them completely.
The first time I knew I interested was when Jen and I were at the Dog with some of the kids from the college who were still coming to terms with their sexuality, too bad Craig wasn't here for that, Doug showed up and I was excited, like majorly excited. Then George, oh George, had asked if we were together now, if we were an item, I believe were his words, and Doug shoved it off, acted as if the whole concept was completely ludicrous to him. As if liking me wasn't even a semblance of a possibility for him. I felt a twinge of hurt run through me as he assured George that we were most definitely not an 'item.'
And then when stupid Darren told him to ask me about Kieron, the priest, and Doug started to walk away I thought I'd somehow offended him, my stomach turned at the idea that I might have blown my chance with him and I swear I'd have done anything to fix it. But then he was saying how he was only going to the bathroom and then the nausea was gone and I was able to breathe again. I didn't even know when I'd stopped being able to.
That little internal emotional reveal showed me that maybe I was interested in something more with Doug but I also knew that I wasn't ready for that.
…
The day I got mugged and Doug rushed to patch up my hand and insist we go to the police I had never been more thankful for anyone in my whole life. He stayed with me the whole time, offering me a gentle squeeze on the arm when he could see I was getting flustered.
Then when he had pulled out the phone and suggested what they could do with it to find who the phone belonged to, I had never witnessed anything so sweet. Jessica's quite the woman, come on how friggen' cute is that.
I had just finished telling Phoebe that afternoon that nobody was worth it, but I've never been more wrong in my life. Doug was indeed worth it, very much so.
I wanted to be tied down, I wanted to be involved, I wanted to be committed and in so deep I couldn't see the surface anymore. I wanted to be with Doug and it was a bit alarming just how badly. I hadn't dreamed about something this way in quite a long time but I figured it was justified. Doug's extraordinary, why wouldn't I want to be with him?
…
I knew Doug was attracted to me but the fact that he could still be so supportive and caring towards me with no motives to take it further was shocking to me. He seemed to have no intentions of taking advantage of me while I was upset about losing my job, which warmed me to my very core.
Which brings me to another one of the other moments Doug showed me what it's like to feel, and I mean really feel.
I had never felt so cared for; I'd never known friendship like I had with Doug. He was willing to leave work to go drinking with me when I was bummed about my job. He let me vent and rant about Patrick to my heart's content the whole time listening always making sure I had a beer in my hand.
Then when he suggested we do something to get back at Patrick, all I heard was Doug wanting to make me feel better and I was game for whatever that little minx suggested.
Sticky notes on Patrick's car. Brilliant. Hilarious. Classic.
Maybe it was the sheer power of the moment, maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was both and Doug, mostly Doug. But when he was smiling while plastering my former boss' car with multicolored post-it notes I knew what I wanted, what I had been denying myself. Not a single thought of Craig passed through my mind as I pulled him up and into me for a kiss.
I swear I exploded. It was like the fire that had been gradually building over the last several weeks, stoking itself every time Doug did something else spectacularly him, just spread throughout my whole body. I was on fire, burning up for the inside out and Doug was simultaneously the one who could quell and feed said fire, and I knew which one I'd prefer.
I felt like a piece of week old shit when I hesitated once we were at his flat. The look on his face, that'll stick with me for a while. But he didn't push or get angry he asked me if I was ready, he asked me. He said that if I wasn't we could wait, that it was okay with him if I wasn't ready yet. I might have not been a few moments before but I definitely was now.
The fact that he was considerate enough to be cautious of me, and how I might not be ready for this step, just proved what I already knew. Doug was it, and I wanted this, dear Lord did I want this, want him.
Doug as a sexual partner was everything I had imagined he'd be and so, so much more. He was open and soft, warm and tender while being hot and desperate and so fucking giving. Porn star sexy, I swear, the way he moved, every inch of him was sinful perfection and every movement was measured and not overdone or out of line.
He wasn't loud or too terribly vocal but God was he flexible, I didn't know a back could bend like that.
And waking up next to him the next morning, I hadn't felt so equally satisfied, happy and alive in a very long time.
I'm so happy it wasn't a one off with Doug.
Doug showed me that for so long I'd actually forgotten how to live and what that meant. Doug without a doubt taught me how to live again, showed me what it felt like to be alive, really alive. It's extraordinary.
…
When I first came back I didn't want anything even remotely to do with love but maybe love was exactly what I needed. I needed someone to show me that there was something remarkable about love after all, that it didn't have to hurt you, it didn't have to leave a bad taste in your mouth but it could actually make you feel good and whole and happy.
I know I needed Doug.
I needed him more than I'd ever needed someone before in my life. I needed him to show me that yeah love can suck sometimes, I knew that all too well, I'd lived it too but it could also be just as wonderful as everyone said it was.
I needed Doug. I needed him when I first came back and he was that new friend who could make me smile till my face hurt.
I need him now to get me through and keep me sane. I need him now to continue showing me the wonders of desire, brilliant passion and a relationship the way it's meant to be.
I'll need him now, tomorrow, the next day and probably for the rest of my life and not just because I really don't want to live without him but because I don't think I can and I definitely don't want to.
I know what love should feel like now and let me assure you it is really quite wonderful.