For Liza; sorry this is so late, hope you like it!
roseten
watch as the stars burn
.
Most of the time she thinks she could be happy living out the remainder of her days with John by her side. But sometimes, when the stars are burning above her and she's feeling particularly nostalgic, she allows herself to remember the doctor, and the years she spent with him, travelling through time and space.
Going back to a normal life is almost impossible after travelling with him; time seems to pass much slower than it did before, and everyday life seems unbearably mundane once you've watched as stars burnt out and visited planet's you couldn't have imagined in your wildest dreams.
Despite it's dullness, she is thankful for what he's given her; a lifetime with her family and John, who can spend hours telling her about far away planets, about the beginning of worlds and the end of them. Who shares her memories of the TARDIS, and who is so much like the doctor he could almost be him. He isn't though, could never be the doctor, no matter how similar he is.
Sometimes she tries to convince herself that it is him, her doctor, but then he says the wrong thing when the doctor would have said the right, or he backs down when the doctor would have challenged her, and it's like losing him all over again.
And he can recall all the times she shared with the doctor, can tell her everything about his past; places he travelled, people he met, worlds he saved, but he can't tell her where the doctor is now, if he's happy or if he's moved on or if he's even still alive.
That's the worst part, really. Not knowing if he's still out there somewhere; the saviour of the universe and his blue box.
She returns sometimes, to Bad Wolf Bay. The place where she died, but not really. The place where she started her new life, and left behind the person who meant the most in her old one. She doesn't know what she expects to find as she stares out across the ocean, maybe the doctor waiting for her, or maybe a way back to him, back to the TARDIS and the stars in the sky.
There never is a way back. She doesn't think there ever will be, but still she returns and waits for one. Stands on the sandy beach and wonders what would happen if there ever where one. Searches the sky for places they visited and wonders if he would he take her back, or if would he tell her that he's moved on with his life, and that she should move on with hers.
Sometimes she wishes he'd come back for her, even if it meant burning up a thousand stars, and that they could traverse among the stars once again. That she could see the universe once more. Other times she doesn't think she could take it if he returned, because saying hello to him again could only ever end in another heartbreaking goodbye. And sometimes, occasionally, she wonders what would happen to John, if ever she disappeared with the doctor and left him at home, waiting for her to return.
She doesn't like to dwell on that thought. Because John may not be her doctor, but he loves her as though she put the stars in the sky, and she loves him despite his flaws, and she doesn't think she could bear to leave him all alone.
So she buries her memories of the doctor in the sand, leaves them behind, at Bad Wolf Bay, returning for them the next time she sees the stars and thinks of him. Leaves them and returns home to John, who's wakened, and waits patiently for her to come back.
He doesn't ask why she left so late at night, or where she disappeared to. He just holds her tightly when she slides into his arms, makes her coffee when she disentangles herself, tells her stories of Gallifrey as they walk upstairs to their bed. He doesn't ask her and she doesn't tell him. It's how things that concern the doctor always are; silently acknowledged, never spoken about.
She wakes up to light streaming into her face, the smell of him tickling her nose, and his arm holding her to him. And watching him now, hair slightly ruffled and the lines of his face illuminated by the morning light, she thinks that he may not be her doctor, the one she loved and lost and lost again, but maybe he could be enough for her.
For the Gift-Giving Extravaganza. If you'd like a fic written for you, pm me with your favourite pairings and I'll write you a fic sometime this year!