1984 – An alternate ending.

(With many thanks to Ayn Rand)

As one might remember, after his crushing experience in the Room 101, Winston once met Julia in the Park. They acknowledged their mutual betrayal, and Julia confirmed to him what he also felt: "And perhaps you might pretend, afterwards, that it was only a trick and that you just said it to make them stop and didn't really mean it. But it isn't true. At the time when it happens you do mean it. You think there is no other way of saving yourself and you are quite ready to save yourself this way. You want it to happen to other person. You don't give a damn what they suffer. All you care about is yourself." (1)

Winston quite agreed that this definitely changes one's feelings to one another as well. After that, there was not much to be said, so they sat in silence for a while, and than Julia asked casually, just to break it:

"So, what was it they used against you?"

Winston had some difficulties with telling her, but then he managed to whisper the horrible word.

"Rats? Are you afraid of them that much? Now, that's really funny."

"What's so funny about it?"

"Well, I mean rats, come on. They are only rats, you know."

"I had that nasty experience with rats as a kid," he stumbled.

"Oh well, that might explain it. I actually like rats, you know. Used to be friends with one as a child. Sort of a pet. His name was Ben," Julia signed nostalgically and then snorted, "so actually it wouldn't have been that big deal if they'd put me there instead of you, heh."

"You just can't imagine."

"I bet I can," she said calmly.

"All right…What was it they used against you?"

"Snakes."

"Uh-oh."
They sat in silence for another short while, and then Winston said:

"I think, I could've actually manage a snake a bit better than a… you know. I mean I would definitely be less afraid, and then something would have occurred to me, like… I don't know, whistling at it? Snakes like music, so I hear."

"Well, I know for sure what I'd do in a rat situation. Look." Julia suddenly bared her teeth, started growling like a dog, and then barked a couple of times. Winston couldn't suppress a giggle which almost turned to laughter when she miaowed in the end.

"See, it's to confuse it. It won't know with which enemy it has to do. Nice trick. And if it doesn't work, I think I'd go and bite it myself first. I could do it if needed. Rats respect power."

Winston shuddered and signed.

"It's all very nice, but it would't work if we had the same main fear, I guess."

"True."

They sat in silence which felt a bit warmer and not as dreary and suppressive as before. Finally, Julia said contemplatively:

"Sitting here like this talking to you makes me feel… It's all wrong. I mean, there was the one big mistake we made on the way, and they misused it against us. How can I put it? Look, we had started defining ourselves through each other. Through our Love." (She pronounced "luv" contemptuosly.) "It was like 'Winston is Winston and is worth being because of his love to Julia, and vise versa.' And so they just had to prove this wrong with their mean ratty trick, and it worked: Here we are, sitting here, feeling completely worthless and delivered to them. But look, what is Love? What was it, what we had with each other? All that stuff about self-sacrifice, about devotion and adoration? No, what we actually had were nice conversations and enjoyable sex, the rest is basically well… hot air? I mean, it evaporated pretty fast, didn't it? But I still remember that sex was good. Hm."

Winston blushed.

"What I'm leading up to is that it's like I said before – they showed us that what we really care about are only ourselves, but is it that bad? We had an affair to enjoy ourselves in the first place. At least I did. And you, too. You did it not because of me, but to feel better. To live. To be yourself. And then, confronted with rats, you did the most obvious thing: You defended yourself. Your Self. Yep, to hell with Julia, it's me, me, me – but that's what we are ultimately, aren't we? And that is the very thing they can't take from us. Unless they lobotomize you or something, but in the situation like we had to go through you couldn't possibly cry 'Take me, but not me,' that's senseless. Of course we don't care about each other, we have ourselves to care about in the first place. It's like, our first responsibility. Because ultimately, I am I, not 'I who loves Him,' just I. I honestly don't know how I would have felt if I'd actually seen you delivered to the snakes, I think that it could change matters, because actual seeing can hurt for real, but… I don't know. Or if it were a kid of mine… I don't know, if a were a mother, I'd torn any snake with bare teeth for my kid, but then it's some other kind of loving. It's not that Love (she made it sound 'luv' again), it's on a deeper level, it's like it's a part of you… Well, it just goes to show that it wasn't like that with us all along. And so what? We still enjoyed each other's company. Now, we just know better where we stand. And what we are. And the fact that I love myself more that I've ever loved you doesn't make my Self worthless. On the contrary. It proves that it is here. And nobody can ever take it from me."

"Unless they plainly destroy you. Us."

"Well, they'll do it sooner or later anyway."

"Sooner than we think, I guess, especially if they can hear us now."

"Well, all the more reason for us to not just sit here, but go and selfishly enjoy ourselves as long as we can, don't you think?"

Suddenly Winston smiled.

"Which leaves us with the main philosophical question of all times."

"And that is?"

"Where can we meet?"

_________

1 George Orwell, 1984. Signet: New York. 1961, p. 240