A little story I wrote on a rainy day. In most stories I've read Nami is the one finding out first, so I started wondering what would happen if Usopp was the one caching them. And vóila.

Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece

Please enjoy. ^^

Busted

It was ridiculous to think about it. No, it was impossible. If someone would have told me, I would have laughed in their face. But it was true. I saw it with my own eyes.

Sanji and Zoro could never get along. They couldn't say two words to each other without fighting. So no, not even me, the great Captain Usopp, could have anticipated this.
It all started a few days ago. I was on my way to the kitchen to get more pepper for in my new secret weapon. Sanji was sitting by the table. He hadn't heard me enter. He had covered his face with his hands and was obviously upset about something. I walked up to him and asked him what was wrong.
He looked up, a bit shocked. He wasn't crying, this is Sanji we're talking about, but his face was more pale than usual and he looked sad. 'Oh Usopp, I did't hear you come in…' His hand were shaking when he lit a cigarette.
'Are you okay?' I was worried. I had never seen Sanji like that, and of course it was my duty as captain to look after the crew.

'Y-yeah, off course. I eh… bumped my toe.'

You didn't have to be a genius to know he was lying, but it was obvious he didn't want to tell the truth. So I gave him a worried look and kept standing next to him.

The chef took a deep draught from his cigarette and stood. 'I'm fine, really.' He walked to the door. There he turned around. 'But thank you for worrying. You are a good friend.'

A little flattered he called me that, I grabbed what I came for and left the kitchen as well.

That night I walked happy out of the room I had been working in. I had perfected my secret weapon and I couldn't wait to test it out. In the morning of course, because Nami would kill me if I woke her and then Sanji would do it again, for disturbing her. So I decided to go to the men's quarters to get some shuteye.

On my way there I recognized the silhouette of Sanji on the deck. I was about to walk up to him to see how he was doing, when I saw someone else approach. With the three swords around his waist, there was no question who it was.

I hid myself behind the wall and peeked around the corner. Those two together is never a good idea, as they couldn't go a minute without trying to bash each other's brains in. They would make noise, so I decided to stay put. I didn't want Nami to accuse me of being an accomplice. Not that I was afraid of the navigator, or the two-third of the Monster trio of course, but sometimes it is better to avoid confrontation. So I said a quick prayer when Sanji started: 'You're an ass.'

And I was very surprised when Zoro replied: 'You mad?'

'It seems like your tiny marimo brain can pick up on something.' The chef turned away.

It was dark on the deck, but if I didn't know any better it looked like Zoro wrapped his arms around him.

'Is a little attention to much to ask?' Sanji's voice was soft, I had to lean in a bit to hear it.

'I'm sorry.'

At this point I didn't thought it could get any weirder. Sanji and Zoro talked, and weren't trying to kill each other. Zoro didn't even reply on the chef's insults, and apologized. I don't think I ever heard him do that, to anyone.

I was torn. Should I leave? This conversation was obviously not mend for my ears. But, I told myself, Sanji had been really upset and Zoro was apparently the cause of that, so I just needed to make sure the blond was okay. I didn't stay out of curiosity, of course.

Sanji let himself be turned around by Zoro. 'O yeah? Prove it then.'

The swordsman sunk down on his knees. The sound of a belt being undone was heard. No way… There wasn't any doubt about what Zoro was doing. First I hoped that being to long around Sanji and Brook had deprived my brain. But when the chef moaned and his face became clear in the moonlight, it was obvious what was happening.

Pale, I hid myself again, leaning against the wall, afraid my legs would give in. I'm not homophobic or anything, but this is Sanji and Zoro we talk about! Of Zoro I already kind of expected he was gay, as he never showed interest in girls. But that was all Sanji did! And they liked each other? Zoro at least didn't seem to mind pleasuring the chef. Had they a relationship? My head was spinning.

Looking back, this had been the perfect time to sneak into the men's quarters, as the two were… occupied. But at the time I was too shocked to do anything. Behind me I heard a content sigh I rather wouldn't have heard from one of my crewmates. Afraid of what I might see, I peaked around the corner again. Zoro had stand up and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. 'Better?'

'You still owe me a lot of those.' But on Sanji's face lay a slight smile.

I couldn't take it anymore. I would sleep in the workplace if I had to. But the second I put my foot down, I stepped on a loose plank. The creaking sound sounded like a thunderstorm in my ears. I cursed Franky for not fixing it right away, as I saw two shadows falling over me. I took a deep breath before looking up. 'Huh, this isn't my bed,' I said in a sleepy tone.

Don't get me wrong. It's not like I'm afraid of them. I can take them with my hands on my back, but I won't since they're my nakama, and they like being the though guys. So I won't spoil their illusions. And well, I had just discovered their secret.

Sanji looked at me suspiciously. 'You were sleepwalking?'

'Well, this isn't my bed, so I guess,' I said laughing. Thankfully I could hide my nerves.

'I didn't see you coming out of the men's quarters.'

That's because you were to busy getting a blowjob, I thought, but I said: 'I fell asleep in the workshop. I've perfected my secret weapon.'

They still didn't believe me entirely, but I looked at them innocently and asked: 'What are you two doing here?'

They both stiffened. Then Sanji said quickly: 'Zoro was just reliev… releasing me from my watch duty.'

I heard the slip of the tong he made, but here alone in the dark it didn't seem to be the best time to confront them. So I just yawned and said: 'Well, I'm going to bed now. Good night.' As fast as I dared I ran to the men's quarters and lay down in my hammock. But the image of Sanji and Zoro together haunted me all night.

The next morning I sat down to breakfast with dark rings under my eyes.

'Yo Usopp-bro, you don't look so well.' Franky said.

From the corner of my eyes I looked at the swordsman and the cook. 'I had a nightmare.'

The two didn't seem to notice. They were in their rolls of hating each other again and were bickering about something. I looked at them with disgust. And then something snapped.

I jumped up. 'I can't take it anymore! They are doing it!' With a trembling finger I pointed at the shocked Zoro and Sanji.

Silence filled the room. Even Luffy stopped eating for a moment. But then Zoro burst into laughing. 'Are you kidding? Me and him? I would break him in half!'

'Oh yeah? You should be so lucky as to be with me!' Sanji snapped back.

'Wanna fight?!' Zoro grabbed his swords.

'I'll be careful I don't break you!'

As the two fought again, Nami sighed and looked at me. 'Really Usopp, you're lying is really getting out of hand. Not even Chopper would believe Zoro and Sanji like each other.'

I had expected the lovers would deny their relationship. But I had not anticipated the rest of the crew wouldn't believe me. Sure, sometimes I exaggerate some of my stories a bit. But I would never lie about something like this. Hopeful I looked at Franky, maybe he would believe me. But he tapped my shoulder and said: 'That must've been one hell of a nightmare, bro.'

After breakfast I sat outside sulking. No one had believed me, not even Chopper and Luffy. The little reindeer approached with caution. 'Are you okay, Usopp?'

'Why would I be? Everyone call me a liar,' I muttered.

'Everyone always does.'

'Yeah, but then… Never mind.' I sighed.

'You really should keep your lies believable.'

I raised an eyebrow. 'You believed that I defeated an enormous goldfish.'

'Yes.' Then his innocent eyes became big with horror. 'Wait… That isn't true?'

'Of course it is.' Soothing I patted him on the back. Then I got lost in thought. Me defeating a giant goldfish was more believable than Zoro and Sanji liking each other. And when I thought about it, I wouldn't have believed it either, hadn't I seen it with my own eyes. I nodded when I decided something. 'Okay, you don't believe me? Then I will prove it.'

Chopper stared after me when I walked away.

I took a deep breath before I opened the kitchen door that night. My plan was simple enough, but it did mean I had to sacrifice myself. I wasn't sure they would come here tonight, but since nobody believed my story, they didn't have anything to worry about.

The kitchen was empty when I entered. With shaking hands I pressed the camera I was holding to my chest and hid myself behind the couch.

I didn't have to wait long. The door opened again and Zoro and Sanji came in. They were bickering of course. 'Stop groping me like that, stupid marimo.'

'Walk faster then, shit cook.'

I hid deeper behind the couch when I heard the door slam shut. But though I expected they would be all over each other, the bickering continued for a while. So they didn't act entirely this morning. Still, after a while, of course at the same time I took a peek, Zoro slammed their mouths together and the bickering ended. For a while.

'Oi, this is an expensive shirt, you brute.'

'It's you own fault for wearing so many buttons.'

The squabbling ended again. It took a few minutes for me to gain the courage to take another peek. And then I wished I didn't. On the floor were two very naked nakama, making out. It was actually more like a pile of limps, and if their skin tones weren't so different, it would have been very hard to see which belonged to whom. I huddled behind the couch again. This was going to be a long night.

I heard moans and other sound I didn't know either of them could make. Every now and then, I peeped over the edge of the couch and took a picture, without looking to much. I knew the photo's could be crooked, so I took as many as I could.

A while later, it felt like hours, and the moaning hadn't stopped, I decided it was enough – since I already had a trauma for life. I snuck away. The two lovers didn't even notice, they probably would barely note it if I took off my cloths and joined them. That night I didn't sleep either. All night I was busy developing photo's. Many of them were crooked as expected, but a few were quite incriminating evidence.

Quite content with myself I walked into to kitchen that morning to get breakfast. Nothing indicated that two people had hot, steamy sex the night before. I had to hand it to Sanji, the man knew how to clean.

The chef greeted me casually and then almost swooned when Nami came in. Yeah, do it while you still can, I thought evilly and grabbed a plate. After I ate my fill, I leaned back and said: 'Food was great, Sanji.'

The man looked up from his place by the counter. 'Thanks.'

I stretched myself. 'I must say, I didn't expect it, seeing you busy night…'

Sanji's fork dropped in the sink. He jerked his head up and I saw the quick look he exchanged with Zoro. 'W-what do you mean?'

I smiled evil and casually I threw the first picture on the table. It was crooked, but unmistakably the face of Sanji. His cheeks were flushed and he looked quite aroused.

I looked at the chef. His eyes were big in horror. 'N-Nami-san, don't look at that!'

The navigator frowned. 'Usopp, why would you take pictures when Sanji's…'

'… With Zoro?' I ended her sentence for her and threw another picture on the table. On this one Zoro was sitting behind Sanji. No genitals were seen, but it was obvious what was happening.

The swordsman grabbed the photo of the table. His eyes narrowed. 'Where did you get this?'

'Well, I didn't want to say anything… But marimo head raped me!' Sanji exclaimed, still trying to save his skin.

Zoro looked at him darkly and I raised an eyebrow. Then I put on the table the last photo. On this one Zoro was still behind Sanji, but the latter had turned his head and the two were kissing. It was sweet really, if it hadn't all been so disturbing.

'Well, that's just cause…' Desperately the chef searched for words.

Zoro took the photo's and looked at them one by one. 'Cut it, love cook. We've been busted.'

Sanji fell on his knees before Nami. 'Please forgive me! I swear, he is nothing compared to you!'

The swordsman gave him a kick in the head. 'Stop being an idiot.'

The chef jumped up. 'Look in the mirror and say that again, you plant!'

Then they seemed to realise everyone was staring at them. They looked at us quite guilty.

Luffy was the first that spoke. 'So you guys have a relationship? That's great.' He clapped his feed. 'Kiss!'

Sanji and Zoro looked at each other, then at the group. Only when Nami gave a slight nod, Sanji turned around and pressed his lips against the swordsman's. Again, sweet, but still disturbing. When they let go of each other, they both sat down at the table.

Nami finally said: 'How does a thing like this happen? You guys hate each other!'

Sanji sighed. 'Who knows?'

'Love cook finally realised how irresistible I am,' Zoro grinned.

The chef jerked his head towards him. 'Yeah, maybe after you begged me to fuck you.

Pardon my language,' he said to Nami and Robin.

'Did the fumes from the food tarnished your brain?'

'Do you even have one?'

Luffy grinned again. 'You guys are so funny.'

Later that afternoon I was standing by the railing, when I heard footsteps approach. I recognized the pace, only Sanji's fancy shoes made that sound. I took a deep breath before turning around. I let a good life.

But the look in the blonde's eyes wasn't murderous. 'You got more pictures?'

I swallowed and nodded. 'A few. But they're all crooked.'

'I will need them.'

I nodded again.

There fell a silence, before Sanji said: 'I'm sorry we've put you in a spot like that.'

I stared at him. I wasn't dead, and the man who's secret I just gave away apologized! There had to be a catch. And then I knew. Zoro would kill me.

Like he heard my thoughts, the chef turned around and yelled: 'Oi, marimo! Get your butt over here.'

The greenhaired man walked up to us, his hands resting casually on his swords. 'What?'

'Go on.' Sanji gestured to me with his head.

The man sighed. 'I'm sorry, Usopp.'

I couldn't utter a word. What the hell was going on? 'You're not going to kill me?'

Sanji shrugged. 'It had to come out some day. I wish it wouldn't have been so visual, but I guess that's our own fault for denying it. We kinda took advantage of your reputation as a liar.'

I could only nod.

Sanji gave me a smile. Then Zoro took his hand and they walked away. It was sweet.

No, still disturbing.