A.S.N, the Anime Sports Network,
Proudly presents:
POKEMON SOCCER LEAGUE
CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH-
PEWTER CITY BOULDERS
Vs.
CERULEAN CITY CASCADES
With commentary by Matthew Henry
(The story begins in Matthew's booth. Matthew is an 19-year-old Caucasian male with brown eyes and brown semi-neat neck length hair tied back in a ponytail. He's wearing an imitation camel hair sports jacket with a black turtleneck shirt)
Matthew: Hey folks, welcome to the Palet Dome. I tell you, Palet's a really lucky town. It has no official soccer team but it does have a great soccer stadium. So what do the Pokemon Soccer League officials do? They make Palet Town the site of the Pokemon Soccer League Championship Match. Isn't that great? Oh, the teams are now coming onto the field. The Pewter City Boulders are mostly made up of ground and rock type Pokemon, such as their goalie Onix. But I do see a few fighting types and(Leans closer for a moment), yes, there's also a Raichu.(Gets back in his seat) That could be bad news for the Cerulean City Cascades, with goalie Gyarados, who are all water type Pokemon. While the teams warm up, lets take a look at the fans in the stands.(View changes to front row seats occupied by Flint, Brock, the Pewter City Nurse Joy, Misty, Ash, and Mrs. Ketchum. Vulpix and Pikachu are sitting respectively in Brock's and Ash's laps. Nurse Joy, since she's not at work, is wearing shorts and a "Go Boulders!" t-shirt. Brock is also wearing a Boulders t-shirt. Matthew's voice continues) Hey, I see a Nurse Joy and some squinty eyed guy who are definitely Boulder fans. That cute Vulpix is even wearing a doll size Boulders shirt. But, why is that other squinty eyed guy wearing a rain coat?
Flint: Good question.(Stands up and throws off his rain coat to reveal that he's only wearing a bikini thong and has the Boulders' symbol painted on his stomach)
Matthew:(View goes back to him as he collapses then slowly gets back up) I just had to ask.(Back to the stands)
Brock: Dad, you promised to control yourself!
Flint:(As he sits down) Yeah, that's why I only painted my stomach.
Joy:(Trying very hard not to stare like Misty, Ash, and Mrs. Ketchum are) My, Mr. Flint, you're an even bigger Boulders fan than I am.
Flint: Darn strait!(Gets up again) YEAH! GO BOULDERS! ROCK THE FIELD!
Vulpix:(Scooting as far away Flint as she can get. Nervous tone) Vuuulpix.
Brock:(Buries his face in his hands) Dad, at least wait until the game starts. You're starting to scare Vulpix.
Flint:(Sits back down) O.K., O.K., sorry Vulpix.
Vulpix:(Resumes her original position and shrugs) Vulpix.(Back to Matthew)
Matthew: I've been told the referee is going to arrive any second now.(Suddenly a large pillar of blue light appears in the middle of the field. Floating down the center of it comes Mewtwo, wearing a referee's shirt, cap, and whistle, and carrying a soccer ball in his right arm) Oh my goddess, it's Mewtwo! The Pokemon Soccer League may as well declare this game "No-Holds-Barred"! Honestly folks, Mewtwo may blow the whistle when they get out of bounds or something like that, but other then that he'll let all players from both teams get away with murder!(A blue glow outlines him and he starts rising into the air) Hey! Put me down! I'm doing my job!(The glows disappears and Matthew falls down)
Mewtwo:(In Matthew's head) I suppose you were telling the truth. Very well, you continue without any fear of future attack, from me anyway.
Matthew: Good.(Thinks about it) Wait, what do you mean?
Mewtwo: Aren't you aware that everyone in your booth's section is from England?
Matthew: England?
Mewtwo: Yes, England.
Matthew: O.K., I'll be leaving this booth and I'll get back to you soccer fans as soon as I find a safer location.(Back at the stands)
Ash: Hey, I'm going to the snack bar for some popcorn. Do any of you want anything?
Mrs. Ketchum: Oh now that you mention it, I did make a list.(Hands Ash a sheet of paper and a wad of bills) Be sure to bring back the change.
Ash: Sure thing. Let's go Pikachu.
Pikachu:(Jumps off Ash's lap) Pika pika.
Misty: Oh, could you also get me some mineral water?
Ash: Sure thing.(The snack bar. Ash and Pikachu divide a large pile of snacks into three piles. Ash takes out two Pokeballs) Squirtle, Bulbasaur, I choose you!
Squirtle: Squirtle!
Bulbasuar: Bulbasaur!
Ash: Help Pikachu carry this stuff to our seats. Pikachu knows the way.(As the Pokemon leave, Ash looks around and sees Shinji Ikari) Hey, Shinji, over here!
Shinji: Oh, Ash.(Goes over Ash. Reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small black velvet box which he hands to Ash)
Ash: Thanks for holding this for me.
Shinji: No problem. Good luck.
Ash:(As he approaches the entrance) And now to face a challenge far greater than any Pokemon battle.(Hitomi passes by when her pendant begins to glow)
Hitomi: I have a strange feeling, like a big stupid panda is going to get stuck in the entrance.(Panda-Genma crashes into the entrance and gets stuck. Ranma-Chan and Akane observe the damage from outside)
Ranma-Chan: Aw, NOW how are we going to get in?
Akane:(Sighs) We'll have to go across and use the other entrance.
Ash: This is going to be harder than I thought.(Trudges to the other entrance. View changes to Matthew, now in the stands among the Sailor Senshi in their civilian forms, who are for some reason giving Matthew weird looks)
Matthew: Hi folks, I'm back.(On the field, the teams take their positions. Mewtwo places the ball in the center between Sandshrew and Vaporeon. Back to Matthew) And here we go.(Mewtwo blows the whistle and teleports over to the side of the field. Sandshrew and Vaporeon grapple for possession of the ball) For those you who aren't familiar with Pokemon Soccer, it's like regular soccer except for three things. One, the players are all Pokemon. Two, they can use their hands, or whatever passes for that. And three, the team on defense can use it's Pokemon powers.(Sandshrew gains the ball and kicks it over to Golem. Meanwhile, Raichu confronts Merril)
Raichu: Rai!(Attempts to shock Merril, but nothing happens. Back to Matthew)
Matthew: Too bad for Raichu. You see, all the Pokemon are wearing special bands. When their team has the ball, these bands prevent the Pokemon from using their special powers.(During this the Sailor Senshi are drawing straws, Ami gets the short one. She walks over to Matthew)
Ami:(Blushing) Um, excuse me...
Matthew:(Turns to Ami) Yes?
Ami: Well, I was wondering...(Leans over and whispers in Matthew's ear)
Matthew:(Blinks) Oh, I'm quite aware that I'm not wearing any pants. I thought I wouldn't have to leave my booth so I took my pants off. Then I forgot them when I left to avoid very possible bodily harm by English Soccer Hooligans.(View zooms out to reveal all Matthew's wearing from the waist down is green and white stripped boxer shorts, socks, and shoes) Believe me, I been in worse situations.(Just then Golduck takes the ball from Machop. All this time Merril has been squirting Raichu's face) And the Cascades now have the ball, should be just a few seconds before the bands kick in.(Merril suddenly stops squirting)
Merril: Merril?(Raichu smirks)
Raichu: RAI!(Zaps Merril. Back at Matthew's booth, Team Rocket is making itself comfortable)
Jessie: How lucky can we get? First the person at the gate actually accepts our forged tickets...
James: Then we find this booth with a sign taped on the door that says "Make yourself/selves comfortable."
Meowth:(Holds up a pair of couderoy pants) Hey, someone left their pants here.(Checks the pockets) Feh, but they remembered their wallet.(Tosses the pants on the floor. Back to Matthew, who is now wearing a Japanese school girl's skirt)
Matthew: And now the half-time show.(Jigglypuff bounces into the field and takes out her microphone)
Jigglypuff: Jiggly, Jigglypuff. Jigglypuff Jiggly...(Everyone else starts snoring. Jigglypuff stops singing and looks around) Jigglypuff?(Frowns and puffs up. Then she takes out a marker. Everyone wakes up with their faces scribbled over. The game resumes. Back to the stands. Pikachu is in Ash's seat. Bulbasaur is in Mrs. Ketchum's lap. Squirtle is in Misty's lap)
Misty: What's the score now?
Brock: Still zero to zip, with the ball changing sides so often neither side really gets to use it's Pokemon powers.
Flint:(Jumps up again) BOULDERS! DEFENSE! BOULDERS! DEFENSE!
Vulpix:(Bored tone) Vulpix.
Joy: Oh my, the Pokemon on both teams are all starting get really irritated at fact that neither one of them has been able to score a single point.
Misty: Yeah, all except that Psyduck who's just standing there.(Turns to Pikachu) Hey Pikachu?
Pikachu: Pi?
Misty: What's keeping Ash?
Pikachu: Pi...(Pulls out a Men's room sign) Pikachu.
Misty: Oh.
Mrs. Ketchum: Don't forget Misty, they still haven't gotten that big stupid panda out of the snack bar entrance. So Ash will have to take the long way around.(Back to Ash, who is now making his way across from front row C to front row B)
Ash: Steady Ash, steady. You can do it. Just one more row to destiny.(Suddenly...)
Sasami: Ryo-Ohki you have marker all over your face. Come back here so I can wash it off.
Ryo-Ohki: Miya!(Knocks Ash over. The small black velvet box flies into the air...)
Ash: Oh no!(It lands in Tenchi's hand. Ryoko and Ayeka, sitting on opposite sides of Tenchi, notice it)
Ryoko+Ayeka: OH TENCHI YES, I DO!(Ash gets up and runs up to Tenchi)
Tenchi:(To Ash) This yours?(Ash nods) Here.(Hands the box back to Ash. Back to Matthew, who is now standing near front row B)
Matthew: I've just been informed that due to the constant failure by both teams to score even one single point, the timer has been turned off and the game has gone into sudden death.(Looks out into the field) Boy, they're sure getting rough out there. I see Tentacruel is going to attempt his venom spray attack.(Tentacruel succeeds, but he's rammed by Ryhorn so the venom flies out into the stands and forms a huge puddle between sections B and C. Back to Ash and the Tenchi Gang)
Ash: Aw, I was almost there.
Ryoko: Gee kid, guess you'll have to go back up and go around section A.
Ash:(Strikes a determined pose) No way! This has already taken too long(Looks around, then sees that the guardrail is still relatively undamaged) If I don't rush it.(Leaps and lands on the guardrail. Then Ash begins walking on it like it was a balance beam. Back to Matthew)
Matthew: Well folks, the game is pretty much shot. All tempers have broke loose and, well, see for yourself.(View turns to show the Boulders and the Cascades having at it tooth and claw. Golduck and Machop are duking it out. Seadra is using her tail to keep Geodude at bay. Raichu and Merril are going at it like professional wrestlers. Sandshrew and Vaporeon are rolling over the place. Gyarados and Onix leave their goals to join the battle. Gyarados tries biting Onix but just ends breaking his teeth. Onix chuckles then head buts Gyarados. Back to Matthew) I've been informed that at this point the scoring computer will be left on, but we'll probably have to settle this game with a shoot off as soon as the Pokemon manage to calm down.(Flint jumps up and grabs Matthew's microphone)
Flint: A shoot off? That's no way to settle a championship match! BOULDERS! ANYTHING! BOULDERS! ANYTHING!(Just then, Misty spots something)
Misty: Hey look, over there. It's...(Ash, still using the guardrail as a balance beam. Meanwhile, back on the field, Psyduck isn't taking part in fighting. He's just standing there clutching his head. Suddenly, the soccer ball rolls into view and lightly bounces into Psyduck's stomach before stopping)
Psyduck:(Stares at the ball) Psy?(By some miracle, he remembers what's going on) Psy!(Begins maneuvering the ball around the battle. Return to Ash, now just a few steps from Misty)
Ash:(As he prepares to descend) Misty, there's something I have to ask you.
Misty: Look out Ash!
Ash: Huh?(It's to late. He slips on a candy bar Flint placed on the guardrail and Ash begins to slip back towards the Pokemon fray behind him) Whoa! Ahaha! Yiii!(Just as he's about to fall, Ryoko flies behind Ash at top speed and grabs him by his jacket. Ryoko then, gently as she can, lowers Ash down in front of Misty)
Ryoko: Well, you can do the rest on your own, right?
Ash: Right, thanks.(Turns to Misty and gets on one knee) Misty Cerulean of the Cerulean Gym,(Takes out the small black velvet box and opens it to reveal a diamond ring) will you marry me?
Misty:(Gasps, then closes her eyes and smiles) Yes.(Wipes a few tears away) Of course. I do.
Matthew:(He's there with them, remember) Hey! It looks like that Psyduck's going make a score!(Psyduck has the ball within a few yards of the goal. Misty extends her hand. Psyduck head buts the ball and it goes sailing. Ash slides the ring onto Misty's finger. The ball hits the net. The ring is on Misty's finger. The score changes from "Boulders-0 Cascades-0" to "Boulders-0 Cascades-1". Ash and Misty are now officially engaged. A siren goes off) And that's it! The Cascades win the championship!(The other Pokemon finally stop fighting. They turn towards the goal to see Psyduck doing a victory dance during which he rips off his jersey and reveals his sports bra. All of them, even the Cascades, collapse. Back at the stands, Flint has his face in his hands, bawling like a baby. Brock and Vulpix try to comfort him)
Brock: There there dad. The Boulders only lost by one point.
Matthew:(Snorts) They lost by the ONLY point.(At entrance to the snack bar, all the cameos characters are grouped together)
Ryoko: Well, our work here is done.
Ranma-Chan:(To Panda-Genma) No thanks to you.
Panda-Genma:(Holds up a sign that says) Hey, I didn't uppercut myself you know!
Ayeka: Oh Ryoko, the Cascades won.
Ryoko:(Snaps her fingers) Oh, right. Thanks for reminding me.(Gets Tenchi's wallet out of her pocket and gives Ayeka 5000 yen. Suddenly, Hitomi clutches her chest and her pendant starts glowing)
Shinji: Hitomi, are you all right?
Hitomi: The English Soccer Hooligans. First they start wondering how a duck got on England's team.(View changes to the English Soccer Hooligans)
E.S.H.1: Oi, how did a bloody duck get on our team eh?(Back to Hitomi)
Hitomi: Then they'll realize England wasn't playing.(Back to the E.S.H.s)
E.S.H.2: Bloody Crap! Our team wasn't here to begin with!(Back to Hitomi)
Hitomi: Then they'll figure out this wasn't even the World Cup game.(Guess)
E.S.H.3: Bloody Hell! This wasn't even the bloody World Cup bloody game. All this time we've watching bloody Pokemon. And they weren't even bloody playing, they were bloody fighting nearly the whole bloody time except for that bloody duck who bloody scored the only bloody point in the entire bloody game!(To Hitomi again)
Hitomi: And then...(To the E.S.H.s)
E.S.H.4: All right lads, it's bloody time for our own bloody traditional game of BLOODY TRASH THE BLOODY STADIUM!(As the English Soccer Hooligans begin to demolish the Palet Dome, everyone else runs outside to safety. Well, everyone except Team Rocket)
Meowth: So that's why the guy left without his pants!
James: What are we going to do Jessie?
Jessie: I think I have an idea.(Sticks her out the window) TEAM ROCKET THINKS FRANCE'S SOCCER TEAM SUCKS BIG TIME!
E.S.H.s: Then bloody Team Rocket will be given ten bloody minutes to bloody escape.(Jessie sticks her head back in)
Jessie: Well, that's the best we could hope for. Let's get the heck out of here.(They smash through the door and make a mad dash for the exit. Several hours later, under the smoldering remains, the major parts in this story, even Matthew, Mewtwo, and Team Rocket, are enjoying themselves at Flint's tailgate party. Officer Jenny joins them after putting the last E.S.H. in the paddy wagon)
Matthew:(Meowth gave him his pants back) So Mewtwo, you realize after this they'll never let you referee anything except boxing, hockey, or women's professional tennis again.
Mewtwo: Yes, but it was worth it.(Ash whistles to get everyone's attention)
Ash: Excuse me, now that I have everyone's attention, I have an announcement to make.(Misty stands up next him) Misty and I are getting married.(Pauses) And all of you are invited to the wedding!(That means Mrs. Ketchum, Pikachu, Brock, Flint, Vulpix, Bulbasuar, Squirtle, Jigglypuff, Nurse Joy, Officer Jenny, Shinji, Ranma, Akane, Genma, Hitomi, Tenchi, Ryoko, Ayeka, Sasami, Ryo-Ohki, the Sailor Senshi, Matthew, Matthew's camera man Duo Maxwell, Jessie, James, Meowth, and Mewtwo)
James: We're all invited?
Jessie:(Pointing at herself and James) Even us?
Meowth:(Pointing at Jessie and James) Even those two?
Ash: Well, yeah. If you promise to behave yourselves at least until the reception.
Team Rocket: Oh yes, of course.
Matthew: And there you have it folks. The Cascades' big win and the wedding of the century. I'm Matthew Henry. I have my pants back on. Thank you and good night.
THE END
Disclaimers-
1. All licensed characters are the property of their respective companies. I thank all those companies for not suing and/or putting out underworld contracts on my life.
2. I know very well that real soccer games don't end up like that. Except for the part with English Soccer Hooligans.
3. I know very well that T.V. network sports commentators have to wear pants. Only radio sports commentators can get away with what I did.
4. No Pokemon were harmed in the writing of this fairly stupid story.
5. Many English Soccer Hooligans were harmed and a few were even killed in the writing of this fairly stupid story. No biggie.