"She's the most important thing in the world to you. You wouldn't ever want to lose her. And you know there's something really special she wants for the (holidays, anniversary, wedding, etc. etc.). You want to give one to her, because it's important to you that she's happy. But your not sure how or which one would be appropriate. So you come to us for assistance. We have the most wide array of these you'll ever see...and you'll know by the sparkle in her eyes when she sees it that you've done the right thing...and isn't one years salary worth that look of love in her eyes?"
Right. It's every jewelry commercial you will ever or have ever seen. Guys, let me say this. I'm only a teenager, but I know for a fact that if your lady friend is going to stop loving you because you don't give her a rock then she isn't worth the feelings they're supposed to represent. But these commercials play it as though we're all lowly beings who don't deserve the women we've got (if we've got them, or indeed want them {not that there's anything wrong with that}), and to appease the goddess what's a dozen grand gonna hurt? I'm not trashing diamonds here, nor am I questioning the reasoning that goes to adorning the sparkly rocks on your fingers, I'm just sick of these ads making men look worthless and women look superficial. It's aggravating, not to mention degrading to us as a species.
Having said that, I thought I'd poke a bit of fun at cutting out words in general, starting with Jewelry ads. Imagine switching things around a bit. First, the ads are based at women about men. Next, certain words have been cut out. Take the one you've just read above for instance...
"He's the most important thing in the world to you. You wouldn't ever want to lose him. And you know there's something really special he wants for _____. You want to give one to him, because it's important to you that he's happy. But your not sure how or which one would be appropriate."
What if a we saw an ad like this on television. Would ANYONE think about diamonds or clothing in general? Right now it sounds more like a blowjob or a hooker. Let's continue.
"So you come to us for assistance."
Ah, maybe it's one of those classes on how to please your spouse right!
"We have the most wide array you'll ever see."
No, now we're back to hookers again.
"...and you'll know by the sparkle in his eyes when he sees it that you've done the right thing..."
Yeah, either hookers or sex toys.
"...and isn't one years salary worth that look of love in his eyes?"
Damn, that's a mighty expensive sex toy. I'm not sure how much a hooker would cost, maybe I should give a call to Eddie Murphy or Hugh Grant...then again, how much does Pamela Lee cost these days? I've got two dollars and fifty cents.
Okay, that's the first one. So let's move on to a different one.
"Hi, I'm Bob Bearings. And I know you know that your husband wants a _____ for this holiday season. Preferably a big one, but he understands if you don't have the money. And so de we. That's why we provide all kinds of _____ for you to choose from. Sure some are smaller than others, but the love of you life won't be picky. And you both want a nice _____ to symbolize and celebrate the feelings you have for each other. We'll even customize the _____ so it _____ perfectly for your hubby. You know he'll be pleased with it. Happy Holidays, and we hope to see you soon. We've got the best _____ you'll ever see."
All right, I think I've milked the jewerly angle for all I can. Let's go for something a little different. A burger commercial.
"Yeah, we've got the biggest _____ in the world. It's fried and layered in a mouth-watering tarter sauce, then covered with thick slices of _____. Mmm, yummy. Go ahead, take a bite out of our big _____, it's grilled to perfection and oh-so juicy, not to mention ninety-nine cents if you get one soon."
How about an aspirin/Tylenol/heartburn sort of ad?
Two women at a bar:
"Oh Jane, my _____ hurts so bad."
"Really Suzy, well maybe a _____ will help you feel better."
"You think?"
"Sure, it helps me whenever I have a sore _____."
Announcer: "And nine out of ten doctors recommend it for your _____."
"I feel great, thanks Jane! Now I can go back to work and prepare for the big _____ I have to give to my boss!"
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Man looking at the camera having a flashback:
"So I'm on this plane to Phili' when I get this pain in my _____. And I'm thinking to myself, I knew I shouldn't have eaten that _____ the stewardess had offered me. All of a sudden this guy leans over and says to me, 'Here, try my _____. It really works for painful _____.' I say back, 'Thanks, but maybe I outta _____ _____ for this _____.' He says to me, 'You just did.'"
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What about a cereal commercial?
Various Cute Cartoon Character:
"Hey kids, gather round and try my new _____! It's chock full of _____, and you know your parents will be glad you ate it, because it's part of a complete _____!"
Announcer: "And right now, you can get a free _____ inside every specially marked _____ of Lucky's _____! Hurry kids, this offer won't last long!"
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There's always the reliable insurance/funeral home ads!
Old person looking at the camera by a garden clipping hedges or mowing the lawn or in their library:
"I've started thinking lately, what happens when I die? Where will my _____ go, and who will it go to? What if I'm deep in _____ when it happens, and someone needs to _____ _____ on me just to pay the bills? Well, I've decided to call _____ so they can put my _____ in a safe whenever I do die, cutting it off before any greedy _____ can get to it. I want my _____ to go to my family, so they can all have some of it. Now I'm happy I know what's going to happen to my _____ after I die, and that no one's going to take chunks out of it unless I say so!"
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Forty-something guy looking at the camera, doing the same things the old person was doing.
"My _____ was taken away from us recently. And while the tragedy of losing my _____ has struck the entire family, it's up to me to find a good resting place for my _____. I knew I couldn't just stick him in any old _____, so I opened up my _____ and took some _____ out. Sure it's bigger than you might expect, but I think it suits my _____ well, and it's the honor of laying to rest my beloved _____ that matters."
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Those annoying Circuit City commercials with Teri Hatcher and Howie something (I'll remember his name on Sunday when the Dolphins play...).
"Hey Teri, wanna see my _____?"
"Wow Howie, it looks and sounds great!"
"It should, I just had it customized to fit the _____ in your _____!"
"Gosh, isn't that great?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Ha-ha, Howie you're such a _____"
Howie stares at Teri, his smile gone.
"Teri, did you just call me a _____?"
She giggles and nods, but seeing that he isn't laughing, she stops as well and nods again, slowly, swallowing in fear. His eyes narrow.
"Yeah, well I'm sick of your _____ you little _____!"
Shocked, she takes a _____ off the mantel on the cheap set and throws it at him, hitting him straight in the side of the head. Howie stumbles a bit, starting to cry.
"You ____! You hit me with the ____ing _____, dick!"
Howie pulls out a gun and shoots Teri in the stomach. She goes flying off behind a horrid looking multi-colored couch. Howie turns to the camera.
"Now that's a comeback!"
Suddenly, Teri leaps up into the camera's view, takes a DVD disc and slashes it at Howie, cutting his throat. The tape suddenly rewinds to the point where Teri jumped up, and the action is replayed in slow motion. A line is drawn from Teri to the disc to where Howie is standing.
John Madden: "N-now what Teri did here was, she took the offensive w-while Howie w-was, uh, was looking a-way from where, uh, where she was. So, uh, his doing that, gave Teri the upper hand, so uh, she could do what she did."
That other John guy: "That's absolutely right, John."
Dennis Miller: "What the flying _____ am I still doing on Monday Night Football? It's like trying to stick Rudolph with a whole bunch of Bambie's, we just don't meld, and it isn't pretty when we do..."
Now back in regular motion, Teri grabs the disc and Howie's hair, yanks his head up and finishes the job by fully decpitating him. She then looks over at the camera, covered in blood. "Now that's a comeback." She gets her Southern accent from Heaven's Prisoners. "Did you see my _____, Howie? Did you like it?"
Suddenly, a large television falls on her, crushing her underneath it. The audience applauds wildly.
_____________________________________________________________________
Sorry about that, guess I got a little excited there. Let's wrap this up with whatever's on my television right now.
Blurry motion. Lines are all squigy, and I can't get a fix on what anything is. I can tell two people are dancing, I think. Wait, did I just see a tit? Uh, I mean a _____?
"You want my _____?"
"Yeah, stick it in my _____ baby."
Okay, some skanky music is playing, and.....yes, yes that's definitely a t-_____! Dude, he's rubbing his hands all over her ____s! Oh man, you should reallly see this _____, it's _____! Oh no wonder, I'm watching channel nintey-nine. In other words, Skinemax.
"Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OOOOOHHHHH" ---Sorry, she was riding him and there wasn't much I could cut out of that. Soft-core porn is so wierd...
_____________________________________________________________________
Well, I guess that's it. I'll see ya next time, when I'll be parodying all of these damned Christmas commercials! I hate those ____ing things, especially the Coke ads with the damn Polar Bears and the Seals! Fuckin A!
Lyle Brown ;0)
Using the process of selective elmination, "How does my ass taste now, dickhead?", can become, "How does my _____ taste now, _____ _____?" See, you're learning....