Notes: While part of the Sunspots/Striations series, this particular piece takes place during the stretch of time between the Legacy of the Rakata flashpoint and the events on Rishi. Chapter 5 of Sunspots was supposed to mostly just be porn, but has expanded quite a bit, and so while I've been working on that, I've been writing small drabble pieces in response to tumblr prompts. I wrote this one some time ago but never posted it anywhere else. As I'm having spine surgery tomorrow, I figured now was a good time to finally put this up, because maybe the reception will cheer me up. Also it's been ages and you all deserve something from me in this series.
Cautions: This prompt deals heavily with the subject of Katsulas's severe depression, and it's told from his point of view. If that sort of thing has the ability to trigger depressive episodes for you, please be careful. Also of note, Katsulas and Scourge are in a steady relationship by this point in the timeline. Their relationship is decidedly not a healthy one, but in this particular piece, Scourge handles Kat's episode well. There is no smut, so this is 100% safe for work.
Water
Katsulas is drowning. He lies on the roof of a ruined, long forgotten temple and watches the setting sun stain the sky with mottled orange and purple bruises. A chill wind ruffles his black hair. Soon, temperatures will drop and the cold stone beneath him will leech away his remaining warmth.
He doesn't move. His limbs feel so heavy. He doesn't really register the wind or the cold.
Kat has gone swimming only a handful of times in his life. The closest he's ever come to drowning was in the sinking underwater research facility on Manaan. He and Scourge had escaped in an emergency shuttle before reaching crush depth, but Kat still remembers the feel of pressure building in his ears, the ache throbbing in his skull. He remembers the low, hollow groan of metal reverberating throughout the empty, would-be tomb.
They would have been crushed to death long before they'd drowned, but Kat still associates that low, hollow groan and deep, aching emptiness with drowning.
He's drowning now. It's hard to breathe. There is an invisible weight on his chest, crushing him as he lies motionless on the temple rooftop. Or maybe that's just the vacuum in his chest, the one responsible for the hollow ache beneath his sternum, resisting the outward expansion of his lungs with every breath.
Katsulas is so tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of hiding. Tired of moving. Tired of breathing.
Too tired to react when he hears heavy footsteps climbing the stone steps. Too tired to open his eyes when Scourge's shadow falls across him, blotting out the dying light of Yavin's sun. Kat doesn't know how long Scourge stands there, watching him, before he finally speaks. "I do not know what to do with you when you're like this. I have no desire to feel your misery, Jedi."
Scourge's words are deliberately chosen to spark a fight. Katsulas is no longer a Jedi; he left the Order just over a month ago. Scourge wants him to snap a correction, or at the very least to open his eyes and level a glare at him.
Kat does neither of these things. Anger requires too much energy. Just the mere thought drags him even deeper into exhaustion. He's sinking, and he doesn't try to fight it anymore.
In the silence that follows, Kat expects to hear a disdainful snort, maybe followed by a derisive jibe about how Scourge expected more from the Jedi in his vision, and then the scrape of Scourge's heavy boots on stone as he turns and walks away. Maybe Scourge will take the shuttle and leave for a while. There's no reason for him to remain, after all. Kat knows he's useless to Scourge like this; it's passion that Scourge feeds off of, and this heavy, aching emptiness is the very antithesis of passion.
Kat pictures Scourge walking to the landing pad, imagines his Force signature fading into the distance with the roar of the shuttle's engines, leaving him utterly alone.
Kat has no right to stop it, and no energy to do so besides, but now the thought is unbearable, and it hammers home just how useless he's become. Even with all its flaws, the Jedi Order had at least given Kat a purpose. Now he doesn't even have that. He exists in limbo, waiting with apprehension to see if Vitiate left the galaxy any unpleasant surprises after his demise. But with his ties to the Order cut, it's unlikely Kat will be needed for any cleanup detail. He hasn't even fulfilled the end of Scourge's vision-Scourge would be well within his rights to leave and find the Jedi who will.
Scourge sighs above him and Kat hears the scrape of his boots on stone, just as he'd feared. He braces himself for the inevitable, for being alone. The weight in his chest grows heavier. Kat squeezes his eyes and bites the inside of his lower lip.
And then his eyes fly open as instead he feels strong arms sliding beneath his shoulders and his thighs. Scourge lifts him off the cold stone and carries him easily, cradling him against his chest. Kat stares up at him. Scourge meets his eyes for only a moment, and Kat can't read what he sees there. When Scourge looks back up and begins to carry him back down the stairs, Kat closes his eyes again and wraps one arm around Scourge's shoulders. The ache in his chest pulses very briefly with warmth.
Back inside their makeshift hideaway, Scourge sets Kat gently down on the couch and wraps him in their warmest blanket. Then he presses a button and the vidscreen crackles as it flares to life. The couch shifts as Scourge settles down next to Kat and tugs him close.
Kat leans into him, confused and still aching but desperate for comfort. After a while, he finally asks, "Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why…" Kat swallows around the tightness in his throat. "Why didn't you leave?"
Scourge scowls down at him. "That would only have served to harm you further. I have no desire to see you fling yourself from the temple rooftop, Katsulas."
Kat bites his lip and closes his eyes again. A swell of rotten, sinking nausea floods his chest.
Scourge sighs and squeezes him. When he speaks again, his voice is just above Kat's ear. "What I mean is that you are valuable to me. I will not abandon you simply because your emotions are currently...inconvenient." Warm, bare fingers curl gently around Kat's jaw as Scourge kisses the top of his head. "Now rest."
The ache is still there, as is the feeling of pressure crushing his chest. But now he's not alone. He feels warm, curled against his lover and wrapped in a blanket, watching a mesmerizingly bad holovid show. It's not an instant fix-only time and patience will cure him of this-but he feels...just a little bit better. And for now, that's enough.