The Life of God
A Biblical Parody
By Erik Schmidt
Disclaimer: This story is for entertainment value only and is not intended to dictate either false or true religious beliefs to anybody. So read, enjoy, and don't sue.
Chapter 1: The Creation
When a five year old first goes to a Christian Sunday school class, one of the first questions I hear from him or her is usually something along the lines of "Mommy, When did God make us, and why does he want us here?" I can't possibly explain to you how annoying this is. So, to stop the flow of questions, I have decided to set a few things straight that the bible decided to lie about. Whether it was out of ignorance, or the true story didn't fit their life picture may never be known, but here at last is the true story.
One of the biggest mistakes in the book of genesis is the creation story. First up, there were originally eight days in the week. Day two was when I started creating stuff; day one was when I was born.
You mortals picture hell as a pit of fire that no one wants to get stuck in. Well, that's true now, but before my lab rat, Lucifer, escaped, it was quite nice there. A little warm, yes, but quite a nice place, especially if you want a tan. I was born there. Day one of creation is when I hatched down in hell. It should be said that I look kind of like a medieval fairy, only a lot bigger and with an extra pair of wings. Oh yeah, unlike most of the fairies, I'm not female. I'm not male either. I have no gender. Get used to it.
As I said, I hatched on day 1. I spent quite a few hours down there trying to figure out why it was that when I snapped there was a loud clap and a burst of what I eventually figured out was light. So, once I sorted the whole omnipotent god thing out, I turned to the burning item on every toddlers mind. TOYS!!!! So, snap, there I am, hovering up in the sky, standing on nothing, with a bunch of angels around me. Angels are my playthings. Still are, in fact.
So, next thing I decided to create was a house, I named it heaven. Now, in the midst of all the building, what with the lumber dust and all, I sneezed. I bet you can guess how the Earth came into being. You are living on a pile of god mucus. A few billion-year-old piece of it. Well, I was way too busy to wipe it away, so I left it. Some mold grew, and that's how you have bacteria, viruses, and most plants, not to mention one- celled organisms and such.
Now that I had my house, food was the next pressing matter. The plants on Earth weren't fully developed yet, so I had to thing of something else. That's when I came up with the miracle known as seltzer. It is the true food of the gods. Well, a few of the angels thought it would be funny if they made some faces at me when I was drinking. I cracked up, seltzer came out my nose, and slammed into Earth. Not only did that create lakes, rivers, and oceans, but also it hit hard enough to send it into orbit around what you call the sun, but I call heaven.
Now came the little problem of light. My light bulbs weren't very efficient back then. So I filled some balloons with hydrogen, let them loose, and set fire to them. Hello stars. Who knew they would burn this long.
Well, my mind ultimately landed on toys again. Angels weren't fun to kick around anymore. I let out some animals onto Earth. Humans were not among them. Dinosaurs were. I decided to keep one of the rats as a pet and I named him Lucifer. Well, I also tired of animals very quickly. Time to go back to angels.
I decided that if it wiped out my house even, I was damn well going to mess with someone or something. When lo and behold, what was that sticking out of a cloud? The wing of an angel. I pulled, maybe a little too hard. Damn he fell fast. Hello humans.
Before I new it, half my angels were wingless and human. To make up for it, I grew a huge garden for them to live in and decided to call it Eden. This is about when I entered my chemistry phase.
Disclaimer: This story is for entertainment value only and is not intended to dictate either false or true religious beliefs to anybody. So read, enjoy, and don't sue.
Chapter 1: The Creation
When a five year old first goes to a Christian Sunday school class, one of the first questions I hear from him or her is usually something along the lines of "Mommy, When did God make us, and why does he want us here?" I can't possibly explain to you how annoying this is. So, to stop the flow of questions, I have decided to set a few things straight that the bible decided to lie about. Whether it was out of ignorance, or the true story didn't fit their life picture may never be known, but here at last is the true story.
One of the biggest mistakes in the book of genesis is the creation story. First up, there were originally eight days in the week. Day two was when I started creating stuff; day one was when I was born.
You mortals picture hell as a pit of fire that no one wants to get stuck in. Well, that's true now, but before my lab rat, Lucifer, escaped, it was quite nice there. A little warm, yes, but quite a nice place, especially if you want a tan. I was born there. Day one of creation is when I hatched down in hell. It should be said that I look kind of like a medieval fairy, only a lot bigger and with an extra pair of wings. Oh yeah, unlike most of the fairies, I'm not female. I'm not male either. I have no gender. Get used to it.
As I said, I hatched on day 1. I spent quite a few hours down there trying to figure out why it was that when I snapped there was a loud clap and a burst of what I eventually figured out was light. So, once I sorted the whole omnipotent god thing out, I turned to the burning item on every toddlers mind. TOYS!!!! So, snap, there I am, hovering up in the sky, standing on nothing, with a bunch of angels around me. Angels are my playthings. Still are, in fact.
So, next thing I decided to create was a house, I named it heaven. Now, in the midst of all the building, what with the lumber dust and all, I sneezed. I bet you can guess how the Earth came into being. You are living on a pile of god mucus. A few billion-year-old piece of it. Well, I was way too busy to wipe it away, so I left it. Some mold grew, and that's how you have bacteria, viruses, and most plants, not to mention one- celled organisms and such.
Now that I had my house, food was the next pressing matter. The plants on Earth weren't fully developed yet, so I had to thing of something else. That's when I came up with the miracle known as seltzer. It is the true food of the gods. Well, a few of the angels thought it would be funny if they made some faces at me when I was drinking. I cracked up, seltzer came out my nose, and slammed into Earth. Not only did that create lakes, rivers, and oceans, but also it hit hard enough to send it into orbit around what you call the sun, but I call heaven.
Now came the little problem of light. My light bulbs weren't very efficient back then. So I filled some balloons with hydrogen, let them loose, and set fire to them. Hello stars. Who knew they would burn this long.
Well, my mind ultimately landed on toys again. Angels weren't fun to kick around anymore. I let out some animals onto Earth. Humans were not among them. Dinosaurs were. I decided to keep one of the rats as a pet and I named him Lucifer. Well, I also tired of animals very quickly. Time to go back to angels.
I decided that if it wiped out my house even, I was damn well going to mess with someone or something. When lo and behold, what was that sticking out of a cloud? The wing of an angel. I pulled, maybe a little too hard. Damn he fell fast. Hello humans.
Before I new it, half my angels were wingless and human. To make up for it, I grew a huge garden for them to live in and decided to call it Eden. This is about when I entered my chemistry phase.