We met in 2004…we were friends, the oversea ones. Yes I am a fan…like Bam Margera, he is basically a fan and managed to get into the group of friends as well, did he?

Never say you can not get close to your idol as a fan…

Sometimes…"fan"…is only optional…my fan dom turned into more than just that…I never believe this could even happen.

But it happened…

The darkest of times…and there he was…

Helldone 01-01-2004 - I was outside Tavastia…feeling miserable, I did see the state of Ville..thorn, broken…drunk…high whatever.

Like me…

I admired him though, he always seem to manage because he had the best of friends around him…the band…

I was also a heavy drinker, not afraid of pills…the typical stereotype woman who loved Metal and stuff beyond the Dark side…I didn't mind what they were thinking od me…I never had many friends, I liked being on my own…at the same time…I hated it…a loner. It was okay…music did it all for me…and my art.

I barely managed to go to gigs of my favourite bands…but now I travelled to Finland on my own to see some shows…

To see Ville…the man who kept me going….

It was a good gig, front row and eye contact…it is how it went all the time…I never made fuss out of it, but I hoped one day…he would talk to me…

But no…how many fans were thinking the same? I was just one of them…a day dreamer…the nights were sleepless ones for me…so awake at night…dreaming at day time…

I made it through…went to the bar for some drinks and then outside for a smoke…keeping the drink well hidden…I sat down in the freezing December cold in just my hoody and wrapped up in a huge scarf.,.gloves on…pulling my beanie further over my head…pulling my hood up…

There I was…sitting in the light of the lantern…a dark figure in the white snow…

I sighed and ran my cold hands over my face…maybe it was time to go back inside…it was nearly 3 and in an hour the bar would be closed….

I pressed out my cigarette…and adjusted, once more, my beanie and my hood…pulling it even more over my face….

I was freezing…and somehow I did not manage to get back to the bar…I stood there in the hall…watching the band standing on the steps…taking pictures with fans…
Like a dark stalker…I stepped away and watched them…

No Ville….maybe he was gone already…

I stood there…going through my pockets for something to eat…but I probably lost it somewhere and sighed…maybe I better go. This was getting to me, the gigs here were done and soon I had to head back home…without them…it was hard….

I felt so close…maybe I was just obsessed…I was not alone…was I?

I turned around…last one I saw was Linde…time to head back to the hotel…I slowely started to turn, made my way to the hall to go outside…

Then someone passed me, talking Finnish…which was not weird in Finland…

A tall hooded person…well you must know there are many guys looking like Ville there…I mean…well, you maybe know what I mean. Men and women at a gig like this all look alike…all Ville Valo wanna bee's….some really manage very well though….

He turned and bumped into me…he barely could see me standing I take it…he was way into something on his own…screaming from one side of the hall to the other…

"Fuck sorry…"…I heard and looked up…my eyes widening…

"I…oh…it's okay…"…

It was actually Ville…looking bewildered and kindof angry…he went on in Finnish and I had not even the slightest idea what he was on about…was he talking to me? I don't think so…

All of a sudden he was gone again…leaving me in total shock…

But I did know he had no interest…

Do you know how it feels when your dreams are just being shattered…? Like…waking up from a fucking dream that was too beautiful…

I somehow knew it…of course I was just a fan…maybe even obsessed…even though, I was not the kindof fan who needed to have every piece or merch…

There were fans far worse than me…really…

Again…outside I went…I trembled and maybe I was in tears, I could not feel my face…it was way too cold…

I started to walk slowly…lightening a cig…and what I usually did…take a pill and move on…I sighed…

I wish I had never met him…really, not like this…

I put my earplugs in, with HIM blasting from my I pod…and walked into the cold Helsinki night…