A Fifty Shades of Grey Parody
The first meeting
A/N: This cute, little parody was written for fun and not meant to disrespect the characters or story at all. So please don't think I am. I had a ball writing it and I hope you get a chuckle out of reading it.
This story starts out at Kate and Ana's apartment in Portland.
Oh jeez. This is the day I'm supposed to go interview that very young, handsome, filthy rich billionaire CEO, Christian Grey the one who donates a lotta money to the farming program at WSU for their newspaper for which I'm a reporter and to be honest, I could care less about doing it mainly because I'm too sore from my boyfriend Gary fucking me senseless all night long plus, I don't want to make 168 mile drive all the way to Seattle to meet with the guy. Hmm. What to do, what to do? Oh, I know! Maybe I can get my gullible roomie and very best friend Ana Steele to do it for me. But how do I go about convincing her. Let's see, I can… no, that won't work. Or I could… no, that won't work either. Wait, I know. I can fake a cold. Perfect. I'm a good actress. I can pull it off. Besides, I played a very convincing Beth in the college's drama department's production of 'Little Women' last year. Yeah, that it! God, Kavanagh, you are so brilliant. Now, what I need is a cup of hot tea although I do prefer coffee but tea is so much more sympathetic, a big box of tissue, Nyquil, bunny slippers, put my just-fucked strawberry blonde hair up into a messy bun, grab a robe to curl up with on the couch and the TV set on to maybe an old movie, the morning news, CNN, Food Network, or The View? Ugh, decisions, decisions. I'll get that all together and wait for my naïve, trusting buddy to come out of her bedroom and put on my best 'woe is me' performance. Here she comes now…
"Good morning, Kate, my best friend in the world and the one whom I can always trust to never lie to me. You don't look so good."
Sniff, sniff, cough, cough. "Od, good mording, Anda. No. Id don'd feel good ad ald." Sneeze.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Well, is there anything I can do for you like get you another cup of hot tea even though I know you like coffee but tea is so much more sympathetic?"
"As a madder of facd der is."
"Oh. What?"
"Well, Id have this innerview in Seaddle dis mording wid Chrisdian Grey. He's a vedy young, handsome, fildy rich billionaire CEO who donades achoo a budd load of momey do da farming program ad da universidy…"
"Go on."
"Well, Id was wondering if youd wouldn'd do me da favor by doing da innerview ford me. Please?"
"What? Seattle? You want me to drive all the way to Seattle to interview someone for you? Do you know long a drive that is?"
"168 miles."
"And I hope you realize that that deathtrap of a car of mine Wanda, the one I keep primarily because of sentimentally and to give our friend Jose something to maintain when he's not concentrating on photography, or idolizing the ground I walk on is not going to be able to make that long of a drive?"
"Youd can dake my Mercedes."
"Well, I don't know. I mean, despite the fact that I'm insecure and uncoordinated, so much so that I could trip over my own shadow, my fashion sense is in the toilet. I mean, look at me. Look how I'm dress, a pair of Levis and an old sweater that makes me look dowdy. No way am I dressed for an interview with some young, handsome, filthy rich billionaire CEO all the way in Seattle."
"You look fine and I've tod you beford to go see da docdor aboud your clumsiness. Could be a sign of verdigo."
"Yeah, yeah, I remember. But I… I… well, I guess, sigh okay. I'll do it."
"GREAT! I'd mean gread. Da car keys are over on da dable in da corner."
"Thanks. Just let me go get my purse from my bedroom."
She walks into her bedroom, grabs her purse, checks herself in the mirror brushes her long, brown hair again, touches up what little makeup she has put on and frowns. I think I look like shit but Kate wouldn't lie to me would she? She sighs, throws her purse over her left shoulder, heads out, picks up the car-keys from the table but before opening the front door turns to look a Kate who is curled up on the couch with a sly grin on her face and inquires in curiosity…
"Are you sure you're not faking? Because you seemed okay last night after you came home from your date with your boyfriend Gary, the one who fucked you senseless all night so I assume you must hurt but how would I know what it might feel like after being that I'm a 21 year old virgin who's never had sex, touched herself, or even masturbated. Well, I'm going now. Grumble, grumble See you later. Hope you feel better while I'm gone but I really don't because I'd hate to think you're lying to me since I'm your best friend in the world who's naïve and trusts you immensely. Bye, bye."
Still curious and grumbling, Ana walks out the door and while heading toward the parking facility trips in front of one of neighbors who is out walking her dog. Oh fuck!
"Oh, my dear, are you alright?"
"Yes, thank you, Mrs. Parson. Sorry, I didn't mean to trip in front of you and your yippy little Pomeranian, Henry. It's just that I'm very clumsy."
"Well, you should really see a doctor about that. Could be a sign of vertigo."
Ana bids her neighbor goodbye, gets in Kate's Mercedes and makes that long drive to Seattle grumbling all the way. Once she arrives in Seattle she promptly finds a tall business building with the letters GEH on the front and assumes this must be the place. Which, it is. She parks the car, gets out, walks into the building with no trouble at all, looks on the big information board to find out where she's supposed to go and takes the elevator to the 20th floor still grumbling all the way. But alas once she arrives and steps out of the elevator she stumbles in front of the assistant's station. Oh fuck!
"Oh my goodness, are you alright?"
"Yes, thank you, I'm okay. I guess not only am I clumsy, I must be a little nervous, too."
"Well, you should see a doctor about that. Could be a sign of vertigo. I'm Andrea. How may I help you?"
"I'm here because I have a meeting with Christian Grey, the very young, handsome, filthy rich billionaire CEO who donates a lot of money to the WSU farming project."
"Oh, then you must be Ms. Kavanagh."
"No, my name is Anastasia Steele. You see…"
"Then you don't have a meeting with Mr. Grey, Ms. Kavanagh does."
"But you see, she's my roommate and she's at home feigning a cold and…"
"I'm afraid you'll have to leave. Ms. Kavanagh is due any minute."
"Okay, deep sigh I lied. If it's the only way I get to go in and meet with Mr. Grey, then I'm Ms. Kavanagh."
"Well that's different then. If you go have a seat over there, Ms. Kavanagh, I'll ring Mr. Grey and tell him you are here."
Ana grumbles her way to the waiting area, picks up a Time magazine and starts to read it but then a gentleman who resembles Bob Marley comes walking out of Christian Grey's office. He goes and gets in the elevator and Andrea informs Ana that she may go in now. She rises, strolls over and opens the office door, walks in but unfortunately trips. Oh fuck!
"Oh here, let me help you up. Are you alright?"
"Yeah, yeah, thank you. I'm just uncoordinated as hell."
"Point well taken. But you should really see a doctor about that. Could be a sign of vertigo."
The minute Christian and Ana touch, sparks fly.
"Yow! Watch it, Grey! What's wrong with you? Have you had your finger stuck in a light socket or something?"
"Point well taken. But I could say the same about you, Ms. Kavanagh."
"The name's Anastasia Steele."
"Why are you here Ms. Steele? My meeting is with a Ms. Katherine Kavanagh."
"Well, you see, she's my roommate and she's at home with a cold but I think she's lying but I shouldn't being that I'm a naive and trusting friend because she seemed fine last night after coming home from her date with her boyfriend Gary who banged her senseless all night long so I have a feeling she's too sore. Plus I don't think she wanted to make the 168 mile drive."
"Point well taken. But TMI, Ms. Steele. Please, have a seat so we can get this meeting started. I must say that you look rather dowdy for a business meeting."
"I thought so too but I was convinced otherwise by my roommate who's really suppose to be here."
"You should have listened to yourself. Not been so naïve and trusting."
"Look, some of us are insecure, awkward, and have fashion sense that is in the toilet. We're not filthy rich enough to afford expensive gray designer duds that make them look young and handsome."
"Point well taken. Have a seat please."
Ana takes her seat in one of the very comfortable black suede chairs, looks around his huge office and notices some artwork hanging on the wall.
"Nice artwork you have."
"You like it? It's very extraordinary, isn't it?"
"I guess. I'm not really a big fan of art."
"Then why did you say anything?"
"I don't know, I'm supposed to, that's all. Look, let me turn this old piece of shit recorder on and get these silly cards out that Kate provided for me so we can get started."
"But I thought you are Ms. Kavanagh."
"No, I'm Ms. Steele, remember? She's at home feigning a cold…"
"Oh, that's right all that TMI crap and all. Point well taken. Well, let me go take a seat behind my desk because it looks more professional for a young, handsome, filthy rich billionaire CEO like myself and we'll begin."
"Whatever. Okay. First question, state your full name please."
"Christian Trevelyn Grey."
"Are you sure? Because, on this card it says Christian Earl Grey you know, like the tea. Personally, I like Twinnings Breakfast tea myself but whatever turns you on is fine with me."
"What? No. Christian Trevelyn Grey. Like it says on the front door of my office. Didn't you see that before you tripped inside?"
"Sorry! No need to get huffy or insulting. Let's just get on with the next question, okay?"
"Fine. Point well taken."
"Excellent. Now, let me flip through these cards… Oh yes, here's one. Are you gay, Mr. Grey?"
"What? What the hell does my sexual orientation have anything to do with is interview?"
"Take it easy, will ya? It's just one of the questions that Kate…"
"But I thought you were Ms. Kavanagh."
"What's wrong, you have short term memory loss or something? I'm Ms. Steele! Now will you just answer the question already?"
"I'm not gay."
"Oh really? Then how come a young, handsome, filthy rich billionaire CEO like you is never seen out in public or in a fancy expensive restaurant, the kind you prefer because I doubt a man of your stature would dare be seen in a fast food joint like McDonalds, or have his picture take with a woman of the female persuasion. It leaves room for speculation."
"Actually you are wrong. I like IHOP a lot. But your other points are well taken. But like I stated before I am not gay."
"Look, Grey, I don't care if you like to hump bullfrogs, just answer the damn question honestly."
"I did! Like I told you before I am not nor have I never have been gay."
"Fine, fine. Be in denial then." sigh "Oh my."
"Oh my? What's with the oh my?"
"Well, there's these two obnoxious personalities who like to infiltrate my brain at times. One's a goddess. She's a positive influence and the other is the very pessimistic unconscious. Both irritating as hell! Bet you don't have anybody like that fucking up your life."
"Well actually yes I do. His name is John Flynn. And he can be very annoying at times. But he's supposed to be helping me because I'm fifty shades fucked up."
"Fifty shades fucked up?"
"Yes. It has something to do with my biological crack whore of a mother dying when I was four years old plus her pimp torturing me. There are other reasons that contribute it that I don't wish to reveal. Next question please, Ms. Kavanagh."
"For God sake, it's Ms. Steele!"
"Point well taken."
"Okay, then, how did you, a young, handsome, filthy rich billionaire CEO start up your empire?"
"Since I dropped out of Harvard I had to ask a woman by the name of Elena Lincoln to loan me the cash. She's a good friend of the family and a pedophile. My family doesn't know that though and that's part of my life I don't wish to go into. Next question, please."
"Okay, How did you make you first millions, Mr. Grey?"
"Millions? I don't make millions! I make billions hence the name billionaire! It's spelled B-I-L-L-I-O-N-A-I-R-E! Look it up sometime. It means I make mucho, mucho, mucho dinero and pesos."
"How impressive. You speak Spanish. Remind me never to introduce you to my good friend Jose Rodriquez. You might try to hump him."
"I. AM. NOT. GAY!"
"Whatever."
"Ms. Steele…"
"Oh good, you remembered my name."
"Point well taken. Sometimes things finally soak in. Anyway, did you just roll your eyes at me?"
"Yeah, so what?"
"Well, I don't like it. I don't like lip biting or finger-knotting either. They're rude habits so don't EVER DO THAT AGAIN!"
"Don't you dare talk to me like I was some submissive!"
"Er, excuse me, what did you say?"
"You heard me. If I want to roll my eyes out of their sockets, bite my lips until they bleed and knot my fingers until the joints break I will!"
"No, I mean the part about you being a submissive. Believe me, you wouldn't make a very good one."
"And you know this because…?"
"Because I, uh, er, I… uh, I, I mean… I'm… just guessing."
"Uh huh. Assuming things without accurate evidence to back up your statement. However do you run a business! And speaking of disgusting habits it's very disturbing to watch you run your fingers through your copper colored hair and want to pull it out by it's roots."
"Point well taken. But I only do that when I'm frustrated and right now I've never met a more frustrating, infuriating individual as YOU!"
"Says the gay man who lives in a glass house throwing stones."
" For the millionth time, I, Christian Grey AM. NOT. GAY! Look, as far as I'm concerned this interview is over. So get out!"
"With pleasure! Doubt you even know how to be pleasurable."
"Actually, I have quite an extensive knowledge of how to give pleasure to a woman! Oops."
"Yeah, right. Sure. Just let me get this old dilapidated recorder and those dumb, stupid cards and I'll be out of here. Oh… shoot."
"What's wrong?"
"I forgot to turn the damn thing on. Oh well, my dear roomie will just have to make another appointment with you and come herself if she wants an interview with a young, handsome, filthy rich unbearable beast like you. I am so out of here."
"Finally! The sooner you're out of my office the better!"
"Look, Grey, I have one more thing to say to you."
"And what's that Ms. Steele?"
"You have one ugly Dominate personality! Has anybody ever told you that before?"
"Well, er, as a matter of fact, I…"
"If they haven't, they should. And I'm not afraid to! Now goodbye, Mr. Grey, and don't worry, you'll never have to see this naïve and trusting brunette again because I'm never coming back!"
"Point well taken. Now get the fuck out of here, Ms. Steele, and don't trip on the way out!"
Ana slams the office door and wouldn't you know it stumbles and falls in front some other gentleman. Oh fuck!
"My goodness, are you okay, young lady?"
"Yeah, I am. Don't worry, I happen to do this quite often."
"Well, you should see a doctor about that. Could be a sign of vertigo."
"Thanks. I've been told that a lot today."
"So, may I ask where you just came from?"
"From that young, handsome, arrogant, filthy rich billionaire asshole, Christian Grey's office. I had a meeting with him."
"Oh, so you must be Ms. Kavanagh."
"No, my name is Anastasia Steele."
"Then you couldn't have been having a meeting with Mr. Grey."
"Look, Ms. Kavanagh is my roommate and she's home feigning a cold and asked… oh, never mind. May I ask your name, sir?"
"Taylor. Jason Taylor. I work for the young, handsome, filthy rich billionaire CEO, Christian Grey."
"You do? Why?"
deep sigh, "Sometimes I ask myself the same question."
"Well I pity you having to work for a sadist bastard like that."
"Wait, how did you know?"
"Know what, Mr. Taylor?"
"That he's a sa… Never mind."
"What a jerk. You couldn't pay me to go back in there. Or whip me, flog me, tie me up, blindfold me, chain or handcuff me…"
"Oh, Really? No paddling, caning, butt plugs, vibrators, or nipple clamps either?"
"Yeah, and I still wouldn't go back in there! Well, it's been nice talking with you, Mr. Taylor, but I'm going to leave now before someone tries to stop me. Believe me, I'm never coming back here. So goodbye now."
Fuming and enraged Ana gets in the elevator and disappears. Just after the doors close and she's safely riding down to the first floor, Christian Grey comes storming out of his office.
"Oh there you are Taylor. Say, did you happen to see an irate, aggravating, naïve and trusting, clumsy brunette dressed rather dowdy come stomping past here?"
"You mean Ms. Kavanagh? Why yes, Sir. She stumbled and tripped right at my feet. I helped her up and told her to go see a doctor that it could be a sign of vertigo."
"Hmm, I told her the same thing. But her name is Anastasia Steele."
"Oh yes, that's right. I remember now."
"Well, where did she go? Did she say anything?"
"She left, Sir. Was pretty upset, too. Called you a sadist."
"Oh, my God! How did she know?"
"Beats me, Sir."
"Didn't you try and stop her?"
"No. Was I supposed to, Sir?"
deep sigh "No, I suppose not. But I really wish you had."
"Why, Sir? Could it be you were attracted to her?"
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, you're sporting a rather large boner there, Sir."
"Oops! Uh oh. How, uh, how embarrassing."
"And all this time I thought you were gay, Sir."
"I. AM. NOT. GAY!"
"Well, the fact that you've never been seen with a woman out in public leads to speculation."
"Look, did she say anything else?"
"Yes, that's she's never coming back here again."
"Ohh, noooo. She isn't? Ever?"
"Nope. Not even if you whip, flog, tie, blindfold, chain or handcuff her, Sir."
"Did she mention paddles, canes, butt plugs, vibrators, and nipple clamps?"
"Not even those, Sir."
"Fuck! She really means it. She's never coming back."
"Is that so tragic, Sir?"
"Yes in a way. Because… because I… because I think I've fallen in love with Ms. Anastasia Steele. And if she never wants to come back, that means I'll never see the love of my life again."
"Aren't you being a little overly-dramatic, Sir? Knowing you, you'll probably have Welch do a thorough investigation and start stalking the shit out of her."
"Taylor, you are irritating the piss out of me, Will you just call down and have them detain her! I simply cannot let her leave."
"Whatever you little old sadistic need-for-controlling heart desires, Sir."
Meanwhile, our angry-as-hell, ready-to-spit-nails heroine Ana has already left the building, gotten into Kate's Mercedes and headed back to Portland.
Grrrrrr, I can't wait to get home and give that roommate of mine Kate, the one I bet doesn't have a cold at all and didn't want to do the interview with that young, handsome, filthy rich billionaire CEO, Christian Grey who actually turned out to be one of the biggest jackasses I've ever met, but I was too naive and trusting to think she'd deceive me, a piece of my mind. That man is nothing more than a fucking prick! A gray eyed, copper colored hair fucking prick. An aggravating, impeccably dressed in a gray designer suit, fucking prick. An annoying, and exasperating young and handsome, fucking prick. An infuriating fucking prick I don't ever care to see again. Ever. Never. No way in hell does this naïve and trusting, insecure, clumsy, dowdy, brunette ever want to see his face again. A face so gorgeous, any girl would drop her panties. Or hear his voice. A sensual voice that made me wet all over. So wet I should be wearing a Depends. A long, pondering silence Oh my God. It can't be. No, no, it's impossible. I, I know it is. Oh, whom I trying to kid anyway? Might as well admit it. I think… I think. I think I've gone and fallen in love with that prick, son-of-a-bitch Christian Grey.
Oh, my God, did you just hear that Unconscious? Our girl has gone and fallen in love!
Don't start dancing yet you Goddess twit. He's homosexual. She's fallen in love with a gay man.
He's not gay! How many times did he have to confirm it?
Well, we'll just have to ask her then, won't we? Ask if that young, handsome, filthy rich billionaire CEO heartthrob is out of the closet?
Will you two quit with your bickering already? You're driving me crazy! And I can't concentrate on the road with your constant blah, blah, blahing. He's not gay, okay, just a prick. A fifty shades of fucked up prick I'd give anything to lose my 21 year old virginity to but because I'm so stubborn and unwilling to turn the car around and head back to Seattle instead of Portland to chew out my best friend for asking me to do the interview in the first place because she was too sick to do it herself I'll never see the love of my life, that arrogant, obnoxious, intolerable, young, handsome, filthy rich billionaire CEO, Christian Grey, again.
I hate Kate!
And so it goes. Oh my, and laters, babe.