This is my version of how things should have gone when Emily told Hotch she was having a bad day.
*No Beth
This is a one shot I had been wanting to write for awhile. I'm not greatly pleased with it but I hope some of you find entertainment out of it.
Thank you for reading!
Hotch entered the plane with no caution or prelude to who was on board. His thoughts were intently focused on the next case. File open in hand he stepped inside and as he turned into the cabin he felt and glimpsed the presence of another. Without question it was Emily.
He immediately disregarded her early arrival and heeded no approach as he walked to take the seat across from her; in fact he was almost delighted to have someone to share his thoughts with about the new case.
Taking a seat he turned to face Emily and just before he could slide back comfortably he saw it, the hint of tears and a look of utter despair. His hand unconsciously closed the folder and he faced her more directly.
Emily had a feeling of overwhelming dread and fought the urge to run. She couldn't face him when he walked in. She didn't want to find him she wanted him to find her.
Despite wanting to run part of her needed someone, more so just to be there for her and to listen. In a professional sense Hotch offered to be this person, and reluctantly she took him up on the offer.
Emily heard him step on the plane and felt the slight pause in his movements before continuing on. She took a deep breath, meanwhile feeling sick to her stomach. Her nerves were getting the better of her. He found me, she thought but part of her still felt so alone. Don't throw up, don't throw up. Everyone has feelings he's not going to judge you. Act calm and everything will be just fine. Just let him know you're having a bad day and maybe he'll leave it at that.
Hotch took a seat. Emily watched as Hotch's face switched off casual professional to immediate concern.
He genuinely does care, no sense in sitting in awkward silence, "I'm having a bad day."
Hotch immediately noticed the shaking in her voice. Unprepared he wasn't sure what to say and silence hung in the air with a deafening tone.
Emily couldn't stand the silence long before it hit her. Her face flushed with embarrassment and she bolted from the chair, covering her mouth. Running into the bathroom she slammed the door behind her.
Good going Hotch the least you could have done was show some compassion. Hotch tried to recover but didn't know what to do. His first instinct was to call Rossi, Emily didn't need an audience. After hitting the speed dial he waited for an answer.
"Yeah Hotch." Rossi said.
"Our flight is going to be delayed until further notice, Emily arrived early and we are going over the new case. Just inform the rest of the team, maybe grab a bite to eat and I'll get back with you." Hotch ended the call without waiting for a response from Rossi, feeling he had wasted enough time away from Emily. She had enough courage to tell him and he needed to be there for her.
Hotch walked back to the restroom and waited to hear she was finished before he knocked on the door. When he heard the last bits of toilet water being sucked into a maze of pipes he raised a clinched fist and gently connected it with the finished wood of the door, "Emily?"
Emily heard him call her name but she didn't answer. Tears tracing down her ivory cheeks were threatening to release the flood gates. She couldn't speak; afraid her wall would come crashing down but moments later she would realize that is was too late. Her knees felt weak and she slid to the floor in sobs.
Hotch could feel the anguish seeping under the crack in the door. Emily was in pain and not the kind of pain a doctor could fix but one that took years of mending.
She was so alone.
Hotch heard the toe of her foot hit hard against the door in frustration. He needed to do something. Unsure if he should, he hesitated right before he opened the unlocked door, giving her no warning.
Emily knew the door was opening to the cramped space she had confined herself in and she couldn't muster the courage to look at him, her boss, her supervisor and when needed maybe a professional friend, but something about this broke all boundaries, both his and hers.
There were no words to be said and little comfort could be given.
Hotch paused to look at her a brief moment, never had he seen her so vulnerable and alone. Yes, she was still the Emily Prentiss he met all those years ago, but slowly parts of her had been chipped away piece by piece, breaking down her barriers and bringing her to the possible, lowest point in her life.
Emily was mortified, feeling his dark eyes glaring into her, but she couldn't stop herself and hid her face even more, pulling her knees into her chest. She just needed to cry and more than anything she wanted to be left alone when suddenly she felt his arms wrap around her, slowly tilting her body into his chest where she rested her head, releasing the torment she had bottled up for so many years. Hotch was giving her what she needed and not once did she hesitate to accept the gesture.
Hotch held her tight against him and slowly he began to feel his shirt dampen with tears. His heart ached for her. Nervous, he wasn't sure if holding her was all he needed to do and after a few minutes he realized he unconsciously had been rubbing her back which made him stop. Maybe I had gone too far? He looked down at the dark haired woman resting against his chest and noticed her outside hand clinging to his suit jacket. The moment made his heart feel profound sadness for a woman that had come into their team emotionally stronger than most the others had been. Now, hurt and tortured by the events of her past, she clung to him for comfort, like a child afraid of the dark. This observation was all the motivation Hotch needed to this time, consciously continue rubbing her back. It was a small gesture, but maybe in some way it helped.
After many agonizing minutes Emily felt her tears starting to slow, leaving only sniffles. Still she kept her head against Hotch's chest; she didn't want the moment to end. So many times she felt alone, afraid; needing someone to be there and now, in the moment she had that someone she didn't want to let him go.
The sniffles stopped and silence filled the tiny space till it began to grow awkward and Emily said, "I guess we better go." She didn't move and waited for his response, staring closely at the fibers of his shirt, feeling guilty for the tears that had stained it.
Hotch made an effort to hold her a slightly tighter, acknowledging he heard her and verbally he let her know that it was okay if she wanted to stay, "We'll stay here as long as you need." Hotch surprised himself with the words that rolled of his tongue and the behavior that seemed to come natural. He wondered what had compelled him to be so comforting and stranger he too wanted to stay.
All these years had finally true feelings began to seep between his stoic cracks? What was it about Emily, in that moment, that made him want her? Never once in the past had he taken the time to really see her as a person instead of just an agent, not until today.
Emily smelled his shirt, closing her eyes to heighten the sense as she said, "Thank you."
"Telling me wasn't easy." Hotch felt her grin against him. At least I made her smile.
Emily let go of the suit jacket, feeling the stiffness in her knuckles from holding it so tightly. She looked at her watch and sat up out of Hotch's embrace, "The team should be getting here shortly."
"I called Rossi."
"Oh." Emily said short. Again the tears sprung to her eyes and when she looked up her orbs were displaying the embarrassment she felt. He must have told him, she thought.
Hotch grabbed one of her hands, after seeing the embarrassing glance and used the other to wipe away the tear that had escaped, "It's okay. He doesn't know."
"You didn't tell him?" Emily asked.
"I had no reason too." Hotch assured her, but in his mind he knew Rossi could probably guess it was more than what he said. Thinking about Emily Hotch had questions racing through his mind but he knew interrogating Emily about what caused her to break was not the right approach, although he did want to know what happened, so he constructively worded a simple question, "Do you want to tell me what happened?" It was obvious something in the day's events had triggered the emotional breakdown from Emily. Hotch had an idea of what it could be but he wanted to hear it from her.
Thinking back, Emily squeezed his hand, "She saw it."
"Who?"
"Regina, she saw my past and read me like an open book. I've never before let myself down, the way I did today."
"I read her statement." Hotch said, remembering how profound it was.
"It was true." Emily said. "Her monster is still alive; maybe it would have been best…"
"No." Hotch interrupted her. "That would have been a mistake."
"Would it?" Emily asked, "At least she would've had the satisfaction of knowing he was dead."
"He'll be in prison."
Emily pulled her hand from Hotch's as she spoke, "There is no guarantee."
Hotch couldn't argue, Emily was right. The system had failed them both with Foyett and Doyle. "I agree." He said, "But would it have been enough for her to be in prison and be satisfied with what she would have done?"
Emily was quiet as she thought about it, placing herself in Regina's situation and immediately she found herself torn at the idea.
Hotch waited watching her think and when he didn't receive an answer he asked, "What is it?"
"Part of me thinks killing Doyle would have been satisfying, but only for a little while. Just like an un-sub, they kill for release and when that wears off they kill again." Emily looks at Hotch remembering when he had killed Foyett, "I just wish I had the chance to kill Doyle, the way you killed Foyett."
Hotch sighed remembering that day, "I'm not going to lie and say it didn't feel good, but in hindsight what I did to Foyett doesn't make me any different from the un-subs we go after every day. I think inside we are all capable of some type of evil and under the right circumstances we forced to make a decision." There was a moment of silence as the words settled then Hotch continued, "Today Emily, you made the right decision. Keeping Regina from killing him wasn't an easy task."
"But what if it wasn't the right decision?" Emily refuted.
"You know it was. Facing her was a struggle, but time will pass and she will come to realize what happened was meant to be."
"Is that what you tell yourself?" Emily asked part of her hoping she would get to capture a piece of the unseen Aaron Hotchner and the other half desperately yearning to know how to cope.
Hotch thought about how to respond, then replied, "Yes. After Haley's death I became a better father to my son and found ways to open my heart, expressing more of how I feel. I just regret that it didn't happen before she was killed, if it had I might be with her now."
Emily shared with him a look of doubt, not for Hotch, but for herself. She couldn't see how any good could come from what happened with Doyle.
Hotch saw the look on her face, "In time you will see in many ways, what happened with Doyle will make you a stronger person, more than you already are."
"But what if I lose myself? I wanted so bad for Regina to pull that trigger."
"I heard a saying once, adversity is like a strong wind. I don't mean just that it holds us back from places we might otherwise go. It also tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that afterward we see ourselves as we really are and not merely as we might like to be."
"Your point?" Emily asked.
"Emily you have been stripped down farther than you could have ever imagined and today when it came time to make a decision you didn't hesitate to make the right decision."
"What about tomorrow? What if I make a wrong one?" Emily questioned not Hotch but herself.
"You won't."
"But how do you know that?" Emily tried to argue.
"Because I know you." Hotch said without a stutter, and I want to know you better. Why didn't I ever see it before? The woman who strikes me most is sitting right in front of me.
"But you don't know me Hotch, not really." Emily tried convincing him.
"Maybe not but I know Emily Prentiss, that you are strong, caring, loyal and always wanting to do the right thing regardless of the consequences. That is who you are and no amount of adversity could ever change that."
"I feel like she is gone."
Hotch grabbed both of her hands, "Trust what I say and know that on the other side of all this, you one day will find her again."
"How long will that take?" Emily asked.
"However long it needs to." Hotch said. "I won't let it destroy you. That is a promise."
Emily saw a flicker of genuine, heartfelt emotion pass through his eyes, giving her no doubts about what he said. He wants to be there for me, willingly he promises to do this. The thought surprised her and she felt an unlikely feeling wash over her as she looked into Hotch's eyes. More than a friend, possibly could he? Could I? No, maybe, "You would be there for me?"
"Only if you want me to." Hotch said not forcing the idea.
Emily tightly held his hands, "What does that mean? I come to your office when I have a bad day?"
Hotch explained himself, "If you want to talk, I'll be there. If you need a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen, watch a movie with…I don't know." Hotch paused when he felt his words losing control and stopped himself. Regaining control he finished wtih, "You don't have answer, just know I'm here if you need me, in any way you need me."
Emily's already puffy eyes and flushed face again began to shed tears, only this time they were because of Hotch. She had no words to speak and leaned into him, embracing him as she slid her arms on the inside of his suit jacket, wrapping them around his torso, feeling the warmth from his body blanket her. She felt Hotch lean more comfortably against the wall, letting her know that the gesture was okay and finally she said, "I want to stay a little longer."
"As long as you need."
I'd love to know what you thought! Thanks!