"Milliardo's Hell"
Story by A.E. Alexander
Gundam Wing and Co. Are © a lot of people who aren't me.
The first draft of this story was done up in 1999. The only changes made were to fix spelling and some grammatical errors that were absolutely driving me crazy. Although, the over all sentence structure bothers me, but I don't really want to rewrite it, so I'll live with it. All hail rough drafts and their glory.

If you are looking for a story that has a chance of being completed- this isn't it. I might one day write an ending, but as it stands I have no interest in doing so. Hopefully, you'll read any way and tell me what you think (hopefully, it's nothing too bad, because the fact that this came out of my head is a little embarrassing). This will run for two chapters and the start of a third.

Summary: An experiment gone wrong leaves our five pilots and the princess as five year olds. To keep them busy until a cure is produced Noin suggested taking them to Disneyland for the weekend.

Note: back seat- Wufei, Heero, and Duo. Middle seat- Trowa, Quatre, and Relena.

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Chapter One
Minivans Suck

Milliardo Peacecraft sat slumped behind the wheel of his rental van drifting in and out of reality. Try as he might, he could not ignore the onslaught of noise from the six children in back. Sanity was slowly slipping away as Lucrezia Noin added to the chaos by hurling orders at the tots.

"Duo stop pinching Quatre's nose!"

"Trowa don't climb on the seat!"

"Heero put the head back on Relena's doll!"

The doll head came flying, bouncing off the windshield.

"Don't do that again, Heero."

"Wufei, what's wrong?"

"Trowa, I said sit! I mean it."

Grasping the steering wheel, watching his knuckles turn white, Milliardo brought the van to a sharp halt. Trowa, half way over his seat, lost his balance and smacked his chin on the door sending him wailing.

"Oh Trowa . . . next time listen to me." Noin said, calmly looking him over. "Zechs . . .," she started.

"Shut the hell up. I've had it!"

The van fell quiet, all eyes on him, stunned. As the menacing tine of his voice sank in, Quatre's bottom lip started to quiver.

"Oh no . . ." Milliardo groaned, just as the flaxen haired boy burst into tears. Heero and Wufei collapsed into a fit of laughter, while Relena patted Quatre's hand. Noin rolled her large, dark eyes.

"Nice going," she said, lifting the teary eyed boy onto her lap.

"How was I to know he'd cry?" He asked, slamming his head against the steering wheel in despair

"You don't yell at chil- Duo get your hand out of there! You don't yell at children like that."

"Uh, sure . . ." He started the van and hit the gas muttering to himself.

"Hey, Zechs, look at me! Zechs? Zechs!"

"What."

"Look!"

Bringing the vehicle to yet another stop, the nineteen year old prince shifted his cold blue eyes to Duo's face. The chubby-cheeked pilot had pens in his ears, his index fingers up his nose, his tongue hanging out, and violet-blue eyes crossed.

"Nice to see you without your mask."

"Shut up, Heero!" Duo said, removing his fingers and pens to slap him.

"You shut up." Heero hit back. Duo blocked his arm and twisted. "Ow! Stop! Let go stupid."

"Don't hit me and I will."

"I'll hit you if I want to." Heero kicked him.

"Boys, stop it now! Duo let Heero go," said Noin.

Wufei, who looked dead asleep, suddenly opened his eyes, climbed over and stuck his head between the front seats, his black eyes studying Milliardo intensely.

"What is it, Wufei?" He asked coldly.

"Are you a girl?"

Shock passed over the young man's face. Noin giggled. Wufei continued, "your hair is long like a girls and like Duo's. He's a girl too."

"Am not!" SLAP

Wufei rubbed the back of his head. "Don't hit me, girl!"

"Don't call me a girl!"

"You're a weak girl," he sneered.

"Take that back, Woofy!"

"Don't call me Woofy."

"Woofy, Woofy, Woofy!" Duo grinned broadly, took a deep breath, then: "WOOFY."

Heero rubbed his ears, annoyed. At that same moment Wufei let out an angry scream and threw himself in the back, intending to grab his braided foe and pound him.

"I think you're both girls!" Trowa yelled at them. Noin sighed and produced several bottles of pain killers. She swallowed three of the strongest, followed by a sleep aid.

"Are not!" Wufei insisted.

Heero curled his lip. "You're all a bunch of stupid girls. Now get off me." He pushed Wufei to the floor.

"Ah!" Duo screamed, pointing. "Heero said he's a girl."

"I did not." He retorted, pinching the boy's leg.

"Ow!" Duo flopped back, rubbing his leg frowning. "Jerk."

Having found temporary amusement under the seats, Wufei suddenly bit Heero hard causing him to howl, which startled Quatre, who had been watching curiously from Noin's lap.

"You stupid girl, you bit me."

"I am not a girl!"

"That's enough! I say you're all genderless. Happy now?" Milliardo asked through gritted teeth.

"What's that mean?" Trowa asked.

"It means you're a girl, right?"

"Wufei, why the hell do you care? Are you trying for a date?" He spat angrily, his deep voice laced with sarcasm.

The small Chinese boy stopped moving. "Huh?"

"Never mind . . ."

Quatre turned to him with sad eyes. "Why won't Noin wake up?"

"Shit." Milliardo muttered. "She's fine Quatre, just very tired, go sit in back again." Wonder what she took this time, he thought, feeling slightly abandoned. A slight tug on his shit pulled his attention away from the sleeping Noin. It was Relena.

"I have to go to the bathroom," she whispered.

"Okay, we'll stop. Can you hold it just a little longer?" He whispered back, giving her a playful smile.

"Yes."

With a sigh and a pat on her hand, he started looking for a rest stop. Ten minutes later he found one.

"Thank you, Milliardo," she sang sweetly, dashing for the door marked "women".

Five minutes later: "Relena, you all right?"

"Yes."

"Hurry up then please."

"I will."

Ten minutes after that: "Relena?"

"I'm almost done."

Her brother sighed again. "Okay."

Seven minutes and thrity-one seconds later: "Relena! What are you doing?"

"Coming!"

"I'm hungry." Whined Quatre, kicking the back of the seat.

"Girls take too long," Trowa stated, attempting to climb up the side of the van.

"Yeah," agreed Wufei. "It's not that hard to stand, aim, and pee."

Oh God why me? Milliardo thought, running his hands over his face. He didn't really want to explain the difference between boys and girls to anyone, let alone Wufei.

"Maybe the potty rabbits got her!" Exclaimed Duo, who was in the process of trying to open one of Noin's bottles of aspirin.

"The potty rabbits?" Heero gave him a disbelieving glare.

"Yep." He now had a hammer in hand. His velvet eyes narrowed in concentration. A wild swing, hammer hits bottle, bottle hits Duo in the eye. Duo starts sobbing. Heero collapses in an explosion of giggles followed by Milliardo shouting, "damn it, Duo!" Shortly after putting ice on Duo's eye, Relena appeared with a piece of paper trailing on her shoe.

"Done," she said, flashing her most adorable grin as Milliardo scooped her up and removed the paper.

"Anyone else need to go?"

"I-."

"Good. Get in and lets go."

"But Zechs!"

"I'm still hungry," screamed Quatre. Milliardo hands him a candy bar.

"Zechs!"

"Shut up Heero, I only had one."

"But Zechs!" Heero whimpered.

"What?"

"Too late." He said quietly.

"Huh?" Milliardo turns to the boy. "Aw, damn it, Heero!"

Thirty minutes later the troupe is back on the road. Milliardo is livid after cleaning the backseat and finding clean clothes for Heero and Duo. Duo had found a giant mud puddle where they pulled over Wufei has fallen asleep, having tired himself out laughing at them.

"This doesn't match." Heero stated, tugging on his dark blue, faded t-shirt and black dress pants. "And neither does that." He pointed at Duo, who was clad in flannel trimmed overalls, a red and blue striped t-shirt with one yellow and one black socks.

"Oh well, who cares." Milliardo snapped, then he heard it.

"Relena give it back."

"No, it's mine."

What now, thought the very annoyed driver, coming to another halt.

Quatre was trying to get a small green ball out of Relena's hand. The little princess was kicking him as he tackled her. Reaching back, Milliardo took the ball from his little sister and shoved it in his front pocket.

"Hey!" The two kids said in union. Relena sat back, pouting.

"Stupid jerk." Said Quatre as they started moving again.

Noin stirred, opened her eyes and smiled. "Hey, there, having fun?"

Milliardo stared at her, dumbfounded. His light blue eyes shut as he started laughing insanely. "Lucrezia, if you ever do that again I'll see to it personally that you never wake up."