It was a long, emotional day for Monica. As she returned to her office at 4 PM, she reflected on her visit to Mr. Howard, a long-time patient of hers. After reviewing his test results from earlier that day, she knew that open heart surgery was needed – and soon.
"Well, I'm not happy with that news, but I am in good hands with you operating on me", James Howard had said to Monica from his hospital room.
Monica had sighed heavily – well, here goes, she thought. "James, I won't be doing your surgery. My associate, Dr. Singer will do it."
"What??? – No deal Dr. Q. I am here because of you. You opened me up twice before – you're the only one I trust".
"James, Dr. Singer is one of the best heart surgeons on the East Coast. I assure you – you will be fine. I trust him completely".
Uh-oh. No. He may be ONE of the best - but you are THE best. If it's a matter of scheduling, I'll wait. I'll take my chances"
Monica had only been back to work a few months since losing Alan. None of her patients had given her a hard time when she told them she would not operate on them. What could she tell Mr. Howard? Oh, she could make up something – arthritic fingers…no….a long vacation…no, that wouldn't do either. She had been treating Mr. Howard for 10 years now – she performed 2 bypass surgeries on him. Dr/patient trust is so important – I owe him the truth. Still, she had never opened up to anyone about her fear of operating again since almost losing Alan on the OR table. How could she tell her patient that she put her own husband's life on the line – and BLEW it?
She explained to Mr. Howard how she operated on Alan but it was unsuccessful and how it shook her confidence in herself. Mr. Howard was very understanding and agreed to allow Dr Singer to do his surgery.
Monica left the room and paused outside Mr. Howard's room. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly to hold back the tears. Well, she was honest with her patient, but she didn't tell him everything. She didn't tell him how she froze during Alan's surgery, how she almost lost him on the table – how every time she contemplated going back in the OR again, all she could picture was Alan's body on that table. "My days as a surgeon are over", she thought to herself.
Now back in her office, she hung up her coat and placed her stethoscope in the drawer of her desk. She looked up to see Alan's handsome brown eyes looking down at her. She picked up the picture and gazed at his smile. "Oh Alan – I know you'd be disappointed in me, but I just can't do it. It's too hard. I'm sorry." She touched his face in the photo and set it gently back down on her desk. If only he knew how much she missed him here at GH. This place was such a part of Alan Quartermaine and he of it. Around every corner was a memory. As she walked by his office next to hers, she stopped to touch the nameplate on the door –"Alan Quartermaine, MD Chief of Staff". She should have allowed the sign to be taken down months ago, but she just couldn't bear it. It seemed so final. And besides, Alan's office was still empty until a permanent Chief of Staff was assigned. Monica naturally assumed it would be her – that is until this new guy, Dr. Russel Ford came into the picture and applied for the position. She cringed at the thought of Dr. Ford taking Alan's place as COS. "Maybe I don't deserve the position either", she thought. "I couldn't even save my own husband's life."
As she approached the nurse's station to check out for the night, Elizabeth Spencer caught her.
"Dr. Quartermaine, I wanted to ask you about this medication order you wrote this morning. It seemed a bit unclear". She handed Monica the chart.
She took the chart "Oh for heaven's sake, how much clearer do you need it? I wanted that medicine given this morning. Damn it – can't anyone follow simple instructions around here?" She slammed the chart on the counter. Elizabeth stared at her looking bewildered.
Emily approached after witnessing the whole scene and pulled her mom aside. "Mom…are you ok?"
"Honestly, Em, the one thing they don't teach you in med school is how to deal with incompetent nurses!"
"Mom, I think it was a legitimate question- and no harm was done. It's not like you to come down so hard on the nurses, especially not Elizabeth. So, what's really going on?"
Monica felt some pangs of guilt over her outburst - she ran her fingers through her hair and sighed. "I guess it's just been a really bad day."
"Yeah…I'm actually surprised to see you here today." She looked her mom in the eyes. "I know today is your wedding anniversary"
Monica looked away. "I just thought I'd be better off here than at the house…but it turns out I'm no good anywhere today."
"Hey…don't be so hard on yourself. It hasn't been that long since we lost Dad – and today must be pretty rough for you. "
Monica looked down at the floor. "It would have been 30 years."
"I know. Why don't you go home and relax? I'll call you later to check on you."
"Ok honey – thanks" They hugged and Monica squeezed a little bit tighter. What a gift Emily had been to her. After losing so much else, she didn't know what she'd do without Em. She had such strength and such a warm heart…just like Alan. Who ever would have thought that such a blessing like Emily would come out of her terrible battle with cancer? She couldn't have loved her more if she'd given birth to her herself.
She held Emily's hand for a moment before heading off to the elevator. "Don't worry about me, Em. I'm fine."
Emily sighed as her mother walked away. She knew Monica was far from fine. She was such a strong and private woman and rarely let her emotions show. But she knew that Monica was struggling terribly since Alan's death. They had shared an incredible life, an incredible love and she knew that a part of Monica was dying inside too. But, as always, Monica carried on with life as if nothing had changed. How she wished her mom would take some time to just grieve. She'd offered her shoulders to cry on so many times, but she always got the same reply "Don't worry, I'm fine". She rarely even saw her cry since Alan's death, but she knew that in private, her mother was going through hell. How she missed her father too. She wished there was something she could do to help her mom heal.
If Monica thought the memories at the hospital were overwhelming, the mansion was so much worse. Every time she walked through the front door of that beautiful house that Alan gave her, she was flooded with memories. The first one hit as soon as she stepped inside. She remembered how Alan carried her over the threshold when he showed her the house for the first time. They were so young back then. Who ever would have imagined the life they would have together?
As she walked into the main living room, the memories slammed into her again, like a ton of bricks. She poured herself a drink from the bar and sunk into the couch and shut her eyes. She remembered countless evenings with Alan in this very room - from serious conversations on this couch, to romantic evenings in front of the fireplace. And the fights – yes, there were always the fights in this room. How much they fought…what terrible they said to each other at times. She shuddered…..and yet…somehow, there was always making up…LOTS of making up. Her solitude lasted only a few moments before the commotion started.
"Daddy…how could you? How could you leave me behind bars and refuse to post my bail? shouted Tracy at her father.
"Tracy, you will never learn if you don't pay the price for what you did! Helping that no-good rogue-of-a-husband Luke kidnap Laura was just plain wrong…and dumb! And where is he now??? With his 1st wife, Laura, while you take the fall. Oh, when will you learn Tracy – Luke will never be dedicated to anyone but Laura. I hoped a night in jail would make you see that?" shouted Edward.
"You don't understand, Daddy……and don't you start either", Tracy yelled to Alan's empty chair.
"Oh Tracy, you're not talking to Alan's ghost again….I mean really. I worry about ELQ's future in your hands…you're unstable lately!"
"Oh will you both shut up?!" shouted Monica from the couch.
They both looked at her, noticing for the first time that she was in the room.
Edward turned to her "Oh, hello dear….didn't see you there. Maybe you can talk some sense into Tracy. I'm exhausted. I'm going upstairs for the evening. Good night."
Tracy turned to leave the room also but Monica stopped her. "Before you run off, Tracy, I need to talk to you about this whole Alan's ghost nonsense. It needs to stop! I don't know what kind of game you're playing, but you certainly aren't considering anyone else's feelings, especially not mine, especially not today!"
"Why, what's so different about today?"
"It's our anniversary."
"Oh, which wedding – the first or the second?"
Monica rolled her eyes, "the first Tracy and I wish you would show some sensitivity with this game you're playing."
"Monica, it is NOT a game. Alan has been stalking me for months now. HE won't leave ME alone. Do you think I enjoy being harassed by him day in and day out? I mean, all he does is nag, nag, nag. God knows, I have been trying to make him go away!"
"Ok, if you really do see Alan, how does he look?"
"He looks fine, he looks like Alan. Well, except for the black jogging suit"
"Ok, now I know you are inventing this whole thing. I mean, really Tracy, Alan…in a jogging suit?"
"And white tennis sneakers too."
Monica threw her hands up in the air. "Oh come on now! Enough is enough! This is the most ridiculous thing I've heard! If Alan's ghost or spirit or whatever the hell you call it were really here, he'd surely make contact with me, of all people. Lord knows, I have so much I'd want to say to him."
"Monica, I don't understand any of this. I didn't ask for it."
"Well, Tracy, I am telling you now – dealing with Alan's death has been hard enough without you taunting me at every moment about your conversations with him. I won't have it any more in MY house!"
She stormed upstairs.
Tracy looked at Alan's ghost sitting in his chair. "Well, you've really done it now haven't you Alan. You really have her upset."
Alan looked sadly at the door Monica just went through. "Maybe it's time now", he said quietly.
"Time?"
"Yes, time I talk to Monica – let her know I'm really here. I think she needs me."
Monica entered her bedroom and closed the door tightly. She put on such a brave front in front of her family and at work, but here, in the privacy of her room, the room she once shared with Alan, she can finally fall apart. As she leaned against the closed door, her grief poured out. The memories in this room are so strong: Alan holding her in front of the mirror after she told him about her breast cancer, Alan making love to her passionately on that very bed…so many more memories. She walked over to Alan's closet. She gently examined the row of handsome Armani suits hanging there. She sighed – Alan looked so darn good in those suits. He was so tall, with gorgeous brown hair and deep warm brown eyes, full of intense emotion. Truth be told, however, she much preferred how he looked out of his suits than in them. Alan could always make her crazy with desire for him; she never could resist him. She took a suit jacket off the hanger and held is closely to her. She breathed in deeply; she could still smell a faint trace of his cologne on the lapel. Emily had hinted a few times about helping her "go through Alan's things", but she couldn't bear the thought of it. One day I might be ready; but for now, I need to hold on to whatever of Alan I can, even if it is just his clothes.
She sat at her dressing table and looked at another photo – this one of the two of them together. "How can it be that all I have left of Alan is his suits and some photographs?" she thought. She stared at his face in the photo. "Oh God, Alan…..I miss you so much", she said out loud quietly. "Why did you leave me?" She and Alan had been apart so many times before, but she never imagined he would be gone from her life for good. Somehow, no matter what life threw at them, they always found their way back together again. Alan dying?...she never really thought about it much. Oh, she saw death enough at GH, and after losing both Dawn and AJ, she knew what the pain of death was like. And, since her own struggle with cancer years ago, she feared her own death. That fear of cancer would always be with her….she would never feel secure that it would not return. That was probably the darkest time in her life, until now. At least then she had Alan by her side to pick her up when she reached the bottom. She knew she would not have made it through that disease without his love. Still, now, it was so hard to comprehend that Alan was really dead. He'd always been so healthy. Sure, he'd put on a few pounds in latter years, but who hadn't? And, as his cardiologist, Monica made sure he had regular cardiograms, blood work and took the right medications. He'd had an episode or 2 of chest pain over the years, but all tests showed his heart was healthy. How could this massive heart attack have taken his life so quickly? "Why didn't I see it coming?" Monica thought.
She looked around the room again – more memories – this time of the fights. There were always the fights. God how she hated remembering them. They were so hateful and usually her fault, caused by her affairs and lies. How many affairs were there? She hated to even count.
She looked down at that face in the picture again "Oh Alan….I really failed you….as a doctor AND as a wife. I was never the wife you deserved."
"But you were the wife I wanted," a voice said softly.
She looked over to the bed. No…it couldn't be him.
"Alan?" she squeaked the word out as tears ran down her face. "No, this can't be real – you can't be here. Tracy has me seeing things too."
"Monica my darling…it is me. I am here….with you." He walked over to her and looked into her face. "Can you see me?"
"Yes…..oh God, yes…oh, Alan!" She reached out to him, but her arms went right through and she couldn't touch him. She drew back in fear.
"Don't be afraid, Monica. It's ok."
"How is this possible? I must be dreaming. How are you here?"
"I don't really know. All I know is that there is unfinished business before I can rest."
"Why haven't you come to me before now?"
"I didn't come to you for a few reasons, Monica. I wanted you to be able to get over me. I was afraid my coming to you would only make things worse. I couldn't risk hurting you all over again. And, at the risk of sounding selfish….I knew how hard it would be for me to be here…to be close to you again and not be able to touch you, to kiss you, or to hold you in my arms. And I was right. It's torture. You are so beautiful my darling."
"Oh, Alan….you look wonderful too." She suddenly laughed out loud. "But what is with that ridiculous running suit and sneakers."
"What? Hey…..I think I look pretty good. And besides, if all I'm going to do all day is hang around haunting people…I may as well be comfortable." He smiled at her.
Monica smiled. "So why now? Why today?"
"I know you know how special today is…our anniversary. But that's not the real reason. I have been watching you these past months….I have seen your sadness and your guilt…"
Monica broke down, "Alan, there is so much I need to say to you. It's been so hard here without you. It's been HELL. I see you everywhere…at GH, here, in this house. I reach out for you in the middle of the night….but you're gone. And all I can do is remember how much I let you down. Oh, Alan, how many times did I hurt you? All the affairs, betrayals, lies. Looking back now…I don't even know what I was looking for. What kind of happiness did I expect to find with someone else? All I know now is that I had the most wonderful man in the world by my side for so many years…the love of my life. And all I did was hurt you…..I mean how many times did you forgive me…take me back? Even after you thought AJ was Rick's son…even after you found out about Ned & I….even after the humiliation I put you through with Pierce Dorman….you forgave me all those things. Then, at the end of it all, when you needed me the most, you needed me to save your life….I failed. I'm so so sorry…." Her voice broke and she sobbed.
"Monica...Monica…STOP!" Alan looked angrily at her. "You want to know the truth…you want to know why I forgave you all those time…why I took you back. It's because I loved you Monica…I loved you more than I ever thought it possible to love another human being. I loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you. And the times when we were apart were hell for me. I knew that no matter what happened that being with you was worth anything. I never wanted to feel the pain of being alone, without you again. So, I forgave you…I forgave everything. All that ever mattered to me is that we were together. Because we were so much better together than we ever were apart."
"And don't forget, Monica…I made mistakes too….lots of them. Susan Moore…Lucy Coe…my drug addiction. You had to forgive a lot too. And, as far as my heart attack goes….you are not to blame, Monica. You didn't cause it. You are an amazing heart surgeon. I have always known that. There is no one else I would have wanted operating on me."
Tears ran down Monica's face. "But I froze up, Alan. I almost lost you right on the table."
"Nonsense…ok, you froze for a moment. You knew it was me and you were scared. That's not failure Monica, that's being human. And I didn't die on that table. If you hadn't operated, I would have died that night, but you gave me TIME. Time to see my sister and my father, to see Jason and Emily; to say goodbye to you. That was a gift, Monica…a gift."
"Please don't hold on to anymore guilt Monica….let go of it! You need to focus on the good times. And we had lots of good times …I know you remember them. Remember the strawberries & champagne on our anniversaries; remember all those nights of making love…right here in this bed. Remember the laughter….we could always make each other laugh. That's what I am holding on to Monica…the happy memories."
"It just hurts so much, Alan. There are days when I just want to run away from this house, from everything. Whoever said that time heals…well, they lie."
"My darling, you know that I never wanted to leave you. I wanted nothing more than to stay with you forever, but it was out of all of our hands. And now…you need to go on. You have your family, your health, and your work. You have so much life ahead of you…it's a gift, believe me. I want you to promise me something…"
"Anything, Alan"
"I want you to fight for the Chief of Staff position. No one deserves it more than you. And, I want you to promise me that you'll go back into that operating room and start saving lives again. You have patients who need you."
"I don't know….."
"Promise me, Monica, please…"
"Ok, I will"
"And one more thing…..Monica, you are such a beautiful and loving woman. You have so much love to give. I know first hand. I don't want you to spend the rest of your life alone."
Monica shook her head "no".
"Listen to me! There are probably a hundred men in Port Charles who were thrilled to see you become available again. I want you to love again Monica. Share your life with someone. I know it seems strange to hear ME say that. Me…the man who was so insanely jealous that he would have killed for you. But, I mean it. I would hate to think of you spending the rest of your life sad and alone. It would kill me. Please, be happy again Monica…and know that you have my blessing….just as long as it isn't with Ned."
Monica laughs. "I don't think I'll be able to make that promise Alan. I'll never love anyone again, not like I loved you. You were the one and only love of my life. I could never feel anything like that again, not for anyone. I mean it, never."
"Ok, well, then just have meaningless tawdry affairs."
They both laughed. "Oh Alan, I wish I could hold you, just once more. I'd never let you go."
"Me either, Monica." Suddenly, Alan looked up heavenward and his eyes became teary. "Oh, my darling, I finally figured it out."
"Figured what out?"
"That unfinished business. I thought it was with Tracy. Turns out, the unfinished business was you, Monica. I needed to have this time with you. Now, I need to go. I can rest now. I know you are going to be ok."
Through her tears, Monica assured him that she will be. She knew that despite how desperately she wanted to hold on to him, she needed to let him go and let her guilt go too.
"I love you Alan…always"
"I love you too darling. I always will."
Monica lay down on the bed and slept deeply. She had finally let go and found the peace she had been waiting for.