SQUIRRELS!
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Note: This is my vain attempt to be funny… Please tell me what you think and I might write another story about hamsters! Or, maybe not…
Note: This story takes place in Harry and co.'s last year at Hogwarts. Disregard all things read in the fifth and sixth books, meaning that two important people are still alive.
DisclAIMER: I got the song 'Squirrels' by the awesome radio show Dr. Demento. The plot is mine, the jokes are Tuttle's, and the characters are Rowling's.
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"'Twas a fine, sunny day… no, wait, let me start over. It was the first day of… no, that's not it either. On the first of September… no, no, wait, I can—" Ron was cut off by Hermione.
"Oh, for heaven's sake Ron, let me tell the story!" she said exasperatedly, trying to shove Ron off the stage. Harry watched all this from the sidelines while Ginny tried to help Hermione push Ron off the edge of the stage.
"Ron, you suck at this, let Hermione and me do the talking," Ginny said, giving a tremendous push and causing Ron to topple onto the ground five feet below. "There, now that that's done…"
"Welcome, reader" (That's you, the person who's reading this.) "Hermione and I are going to tell you about something that happened to us last year at Hogwarts. I think that you'll find it very funny, so if you are prone to die of laughing whenever you read a funny fic, I suggest leaving now so your health remains intact."
"So, onto the story now…" Harry pulled Ron to his feet and dropped him into a chair next to him. He then conjured up some popcorn and began to munch on it while watching their last first day of school go by.
Story…
When the students woke up on their first day of school, they immediately thought that it would be a normal first day. You know, they would meet the professors, possibly get a little homework, learn a spell or two, the usual. Little did they know, though, that this would be a first day of school like none other!
All the students were in the Great Hall eating breakfast. Then Professor Snape came running in and—
"Hey, why Snape?" Draco shouted, running up the stairs to the stage and pushing Ginny aside. "You know it was Professor Trelawny who came running in!"
Hermione was furious that they were interrupted. "Fine! We'll put Professor Trelawny in! Happy?" she yelled, temper rising. Draco didn't answer, so Hermione strangled him and went back to the story.
Professor Trelawny came running in and the hall went silent.
"SQUIRRELS!" the Professor yelled. Dumbledore stood up and smiled.
"Of course, silly me, I almost forgot! Thank you, Professor Trelawny for reminding me. We forgot to sing the Squirrel Song!"
The whole hall looked up at Dumbledore as he made the lyrics appear with his wand and the Great Hall was filled with the music. Everyone began to sing,
"Squirrels,
All we really are is squirrels
We're being hunted we are squirrels
We are appealing we are squirrels
We want to gather nuts
But people splatter all our guts
When they're on a country drive
It isn't easy to survive
In fact the other day
I saw a squirrel get blown away
They served him on a dinner tray
They baked him into a soufflé
Squirrel season opens up todayIf you're a squirrel run away
I don't know what else I should say
Please call the A.S.P.C.A.
Fur coats from us are made
Fur is nice but I like suede
They scrape our fur off with blade
And never bother with first aid
We squirrels really like to play
And we like to catch some rays
Please don't kill us this we pray
We're cute and harmless anyway
Squirrels
We're not delicious
Squirrels
We are not raccoons
Squirrels
Don't live in palm trees
Squirrels
Or in your bathrooms
Squirrels
That's all we really are is squirrels
Isn't it fine I am a squirrel
Please help and save us we are squirrels."
The whole hall finished the song and burst out laughing. Then Professor Trelawny screamed again, "SQUIRRELS! THE CASTLE IS BEING INVADED BY SQUIRRELS!"
Dumbledore smiled and said, "You know, squirrels are endangered around here. We should take them all in so they have some shelter and food."
Then the door to the Great Hall burst open and thousands of squirrels—black, gray, brown, and tan—came running in.
Ginny picked up one of each color. "Ron, can I have these as pets?" she asked him. "They're so sweet and adorable, look, there's enough for everyone!"
The teachers spent the whole day finding the squirrels and putting them in a giant cage. The fifth through seventh years were allowed to assist them, while the first through fourth years had to stay in the Great Hall and guard the cage.
Finally, three days later, all the squirrels had been found. Professor Dumbledore had tears in his eyes as he read the sheet with the death toll:
Living: 2,999 Dead: 1
"Poor Joe," the headmaster said as he laid the single dead squirrel in a small burial hole. "I was going to adopt him. He was going to be the squirrel I never had…"
In the end, every student got to take three squirrels as pets. They were used to send messages back and forth between students, and it was a very common sight to see two or three squirrels scampering down the hall.
"And that is how our final year at Hogwarts began," Hermione concluded lamely.
"Excuse me, Herm, but I'm still here," Ginny said. Hermione looked sheepish. "Sorry, Ginny's sixth year at Hogwarts began." Ginny nodded. "Much better."
Suddenly, fifteen squirrels ran into the room. "There you are, Billy, Bob, and Joe!" Ginny exclaimed as her squirrels came up to her. Hermione's squirrels, Her, Mio, and Ne, chased each other around the room. Ron's squirrels, Pig, Wid, and Geon, chased Hermione's squirrels. Draco's squirrels, Death, Eat, and Er, came bearing messages, and Harry's squirrels, Dum, Ble, and Dore, just sat down and watched it all happen.
As for Dumbledore's squirrel that he never had, Joe had remained behind as a ghost and tormented the headmaster when he was bored. And they never had another squirrel problem again. (Much to Ginny's displeasure)
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So, here it was. Tell me what you think in a review (The button is right down there) and I might make a second funny story!