Summary: He dreamed of him so often, it was almost like he was still there.
This is a dream, he knows it is, it has to be..., dreams are the only times he ever sees the other anymore.
The dream never began the same, somedays he would be walking through the halls of the SGC, but John had never spent much time there, and Rodney never remembered meeting John then. Other days Rodney would be running through the halls of Atlantis, he'd be panicked, terrified an screaming for John, he remembered doing this in real time, when he was losing his memory more and more with each passing day, each hour until all he knew was John's name, his own fading away like smoke in a hand. There were some dreams where they would be in a Jumper or on a planet and once or twice in the cells, Rodney always, always woke screaming from those dreams.
But the Wraith were gone, dead and dust, scattered in the abyss along with Atlantis and... and John.
When the Wraith had come for Atlantis that final time, years ago now, most of their expedition had returned to Earth, returned home, but for some of them Atlantis was home now and so they stayed, stayed until the last moment when John had begged them to go, promised that he would destroy the City but that he couldn't let them go with him.
Rodney sometimes remembered that John had refused to let him sacrifice himself for Jeannie, that little 'I can't' when they'd been talking about it that suddenly meant so much more and and yet meant so little in that moment when John had echoed it, begging Rodney to leave.
And Rodney's refusals, how he wasn't going to say good bye to John, how John's eyes had flickered behind him and how John had whispered that it wasn't good bye, it was see you and then there was darkness as Ronon's shot hit it's mark.
Rodney had woken later, Lorne flying the Jumper, Ronon's arms tight around him as the City fell, the explosion triggering each of the Hives to follow and Rodney hadn't even realized he was screaming and sobbing until they had landed on the one planet Rodney had an open invitation, Harmony's planet.
He hadn't heard her questions, had fallen to his kness in the dirt just outside the Jumper, body shaking with the force of his sobs and then Ronon was lifting him again and carrying him to a room where he stayed for hours, barely eating and trying, trying to figure out what to do with himself now, what was he without Sheppard now days, how could he live without his best friend. But Rodney realized in those days after Atlantis, realized that John was more than his best friend, discovered that maybe Rodney had loved John, just like John had loved him.
And his heart broke because John never knew because Rodney hadn't figured it out, and John had died not knowing that Rodney had loved him too, still loved him, would always love him.
As great as it was to have been welcomed by Harmony and her people and as grateful as Rodney was for it he knew he couldn't stay, knew he couldn't be what Harmony wanted him to be for her. He explained, voice soft, eyes turned away, looking up, up at the great expanse of space where John and Atlantis had burst into space debris.
Harmony had been shockingly understanding, had offered him perminate refuge but the option to come and go as he would.
Rondey had smiled weakly at her and taken his things the next day, supplies added to his single bag as he walked to the Stargate, Harmony honoring him by walking with him.
Ronon was waiting at the 'Gate, and Rodney almost thought the man was going to go with him but instead Ronon held out a set of Dog tags, had said that John asked that Rodney have them and Rodney took them, placed them around his neck and dialed the 'Gate, there had been many worlds where he'd been hopeful about the ruins they had found only there had been other more important places for their team to go after the initial exploration.
He had time now, time to explore them, to learn and so he went, stopping by other planets, places where some of the Atlantis Expedition had decided to make lives on, he'd visit, he'd help but never spoke of what exactly he'd been up to.
And if some of them noticed the Tags he wore, that he fiddled with none of them mentioned it, just like Rodney never mentioned the dreams.
The ones that were so real, so real that Rodney almost wondered if he'd only forgotten.
They were almost always happy in their dreams, John always laughing or smiling at him, dragging him along to new discoveries and Rodney had a habit of talking out loud, alone or otherwise, he'd tyrn around to ask John a question only to remember that John was gone when he turned around.
There were rumors about him he knew, the crazy man who worked with broken tech, who could fix it almost like new, how it was worth his excentricities to have him work with you on your project.
Sometimes Rodney would go see Ronon or Teyla, Ronon having settled down with Keller, they had two kids now, five years after the Wraith were gone, and they called Rodney Uncle just like Torren and Rodney taught them, taught them how to read the stars, to do math and so many other little things and they would sometimes laugh when Rodney spoke to no one but when he was silent was when they would hug him for no reason and just cuddle with him and be still for hours until Rodney was whispering the story of how he had met Ronon or how he'd been introduced to Teyla, voice always catching on John's name.
It was a strange hazy world he was on now, mist and fog all around him and a steady drizzle dousing him but Rodney had no voice now to complain, it had been almost eight years and numerous calculations and misses for him to get here, to find this specific Gate address.
This was the planet nearest to where Atlantis had made her final stand, where John had become stardust and eternity, and Rodney wanted to be near him, this planet as near to a grave site as he could get and as the eighth anniversery of John's death came here he was, visiting John in the only way he could now, the Jumpers repurposed for more important things, though Rodney had no doubt that any one of the others would have done what he wanted if he had dared to ask.
But Rodney hadn't been able to bring himself to ask, not even for so small a favor. He knew that he wasn't the only one to have lost John that dreadful day, so many of them had and it wasn't fair of him to ask, not when they were all going on with thier lives and being happy.
This dream didn't start like the others, Rodney woke in the little cave he'd repurposed for his visit, woke up because there was a noise out side, when Rodney was fairly certain there was no life on this little rock in space. He turned to the entrance and had to smile.
"John." He whispered softly, reaching out to him.
"Rodney?" John asked, it was strange, the John in his dream never sounded so shocked and surprised to find him.
John in his dream always dragged him into a tight hug and laughed at how rediculous he looked in the mismatched clothing that the residents of the Pegusus Galaxy plied him with when ever he was near civilization.
"Yeah, hello, John." Rodney whispered, gripping the other man just as tight, not even minding the strange rough scrape of the beard the man sported.
"I thought I'd never see you again." John whispered against his throat.
"I see you all the time, John, but this dream is different from all the rest." Rodney murmured into John's shoulder, "Do you think it's because I finally found the planet nearest where I lost you?"
"What?" John pulled away and Rodney whimpered, trying to keep John close to him.
"It took me eight years to find the address, I'm sorry, I'm sorry you were alone so long, I didn't mean to." Rodney began to sob, "I missed you, missed you so much."
And then John's arms weakened and Rodney was aganist his chest again, fingers gripped tight in the other man's clothes, "I never had the chance to tell you, never knew before you were gone, and I'm sorry." Rodney babbled, "I need to tell you, need you to know and saying it anywhere else and you might not hear me."
"Tell me what, Rodney?" John whispered against his hair, arms tight around his shoulders.
"I love you." Rodney whispered, voice soft and heartbroken, "I love you and I didn't know it until you were gone, never realized that you loved me too, that that was why you couldn't watch me die, not then and not for Jeannie, and I'm so sorry you never got to hear it before you died."
"Rodney." John pulled away again, took Rodney's face in his hands and made him look at him, "Rodney, I'm not dead, Atlantis had some sort of fail-safe that transported me to the nearest planet, but the DHD on the planet is broken so I couldn't Dial anywhere."
"What?" Rodney asked.
"I'm alive, Rodney, this isn't a dream or whatever you think it is, I'm really here." John told him.
"Really?" Rodney asked, reaching out to touch John.
John's hand trailed down to rest behind Rodney's neck, fingers tripping over the chain Rodney wore and John pulled his Tags from under Rodney's shirt.
"You're wearing them." John said softly.
"You gave them to me." Rodney said, reaching up to take them off, "You'll want them back."
"No, I want you to keep them." John said, trailing his fingers to caress the metal that said his name, rank and number, "I never dared dream you would wear them like this, but I hoped... Hoped that you might feel the same."
"I haven't taken them off since Ronon handed them to me, it was almost like having you with me." Rodney said.
"I love you, Rodney McKay, I'm sorry it took eight years and a false death before you heard those words from me." John whispered as he pulled Rodney back into his arms.
"It could have been worse, you could have really been dead." Rodney whispered back, "I'll fix the DHD in the morning, I just... I don't want to let go yet, I'm so afraid that this is another dream. I don't want it to be a dream. Please be real."
"I'm real." John murmured as he guided Rodney back to his nest of blankets, tucking them in and huddling close to keep warm from the damp and cold but also for the reassurance that the other was really there.
In the morning they would fix the DHD, they would dial Harmony's planet and Rodney would pray that he wasn't dreaming this up, that when he stepped through the Warmhole John would step out with him and Rodney wouldn't be the only one to see him, but if he was Rodney didn't care, as long as John was with him Rodney would be happy, they could be together now.
A/N: Little clarification for the last bit, Yes John is alive, a little mountain man looking but really alive, but Rodney is so used to dreaming of him that he's not really sure what's real or not at the moment.
Atlantis used the last of her power to create a Beam type thing and transported John to the nearst planet with a Stargate, not knowing that the DHD was broken and John was a little terrified that fiddling with it would ruin it further. He never doubted that Rodney would want to say a proper goodbye and waited for Rodney to find the planet he was on. It was a bit surprising to find him alone but it's Rodney, a thinner, more muscular and strangely dressed Rodney, but Rodney nonetheless.
They travel the universe after this fixing ancient tech and teaching others how to fix it, also every planet they arrive on they insist on getting married according to local customs, it makes the locals happy that Rodney is finally happy and they are all more than willing to throw them a marriage celebration to celebrate their happiness.