Author's Note: This is nothing but a crack plot, really. Kurama is so OOC, even I can't stand it. Anyway, reading this will be a waste of your time. So stop now. Yes, that means now.

Disclaimer: I do not own YYH.

The Ultra Mega Secret of Kurama Slash Minamino Shuichi

The very rare sight of a very disheveled Kurama rushed at top speed up the front of Yusuke's doorsteps. As he did so, his usually bouncy red hair swung limply from his head, some of the shorter ones like his bangs sticking to his face in some places. His usually immaculate pink uniform were wrinkled and loose, bunched up in places where his lopsided gray messenger bag rocked against his body. Traces of sweat were marked all over his neck and arms. Panting and huffing, he stopped at the top of the steps and dropped to his knees a little bit, catching his breath. Then, as if suddenly remembering a very important mission he had momentarily forgotten, he stood up straight and pressed the doorbell.

Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!

"Coming!" a voice rang from inside.

Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!

"Geez, what's the mat-teerrr…" Yusuke's voice trailed off as he opened the door and spotted our wide-eyed, scruffy homeless teen- er, Kurama.

Even before Yusuke uttered a word, and he clearly had a lot of it judging from his constipated look, as if choosing which of the Kurama-you-look-like-crap jokes running through his head he would crack, Kurama pushed the door open and grabbed the detective's white shirt.

"You have to help me find Hiei!" the redhead softly screamed. Well, it wasn't really a scream by Yusuke's standards, but probably one by Kurama's.

"Slow down, cowboy…" Yusuke said, easing himself from Kurama's grip and straightening his clothing. "Is the world coming to an end again?"

"No time to explain, we have to hurry," Kurama said sternly. He wasn't clawing at Yusuke now but his green eyes had a certain desperation that Yusuke knew he was stupid to argue with, or even question further.

"Fine, fine! Come in," Yusuke said, pulling Kurama by the hand and closing his front door. He dragged Kurama to the couch and muttered to himself. "Just when I thought I can get a Saturday off…"

As soon as Kurama sat down, he leaned forward immediately and assaulted the pen and paper that had been resting innocently on Yusuke's coffee table. He wrote furiously on the lined yellow sheet in Makaish, an alphabet and script style that Yusuke saw for the first time since his inception as a spirit detective.

"What's that?"

"A list of possible locations where Hiei could be," Kurama whispered as he made the list longer and longer with furious scribbles. "I'll split the list in two so you can have one. Call me immediately once you find him. Don't ever let him out of your sight until I arrive!"

The black-haired detective blinked at the fox. "Err, okay, but I can't understand what you're writing. I can't read Makaish."

"It's English!"

"Actually, more like Gibberish to me. I can't understand a single letter with your penmanship."

"Damn it, I'll have to do it all over," the redhead sighed exasperatedly, crumpling his yellow paper but immediately starting a new list, this time with more careful strokes.

Yusuke peeked at the list and saw the first five places.

Tree at temple of Joiejkd, Bolivia

Cave near Lake Xin Jin, Beijing

Under cars in Mall of Asia parking lot (check all levels)

Roof of any Ryokan in Kyoto. Check ones with onsens.

Inside a Boeing747 engine

"Kurama! Bolivia? And all Ryokans in Kyoto have onsens!" Yusuke exclaimed, grabbing the sheet of paper from under the redhead and looking at the succeeding items beyond five. As he ran his eyes down the list, he looked at Kurama with the same wide-eyed expression the usually-diminutive teen had given him earlier.

"You're crazy!" Yusuke finally said, his fangs showing. "Are you sure he's even here? What if he went back to Makai?"

"If we finish the list and we don't find him then we look for him in Makai," Kurama said hurriedly. "Now give me that list and tell me which ones you're going to!"

"Not until you tell me why you smell like you haven't taken a bath in weeks, and instead of fixing yourself you're searching for Hiei like he's the god of soap and water."

"I can't tell you!"

"Why the seven hells not!"

"It's," Kurama looked off to the side, a faint blush creeping up his cheeks. "…private."

"Listen, foxboy, I'm the leader of the Urameshi team and nobody has any right to keep secrets from me," Yusuke said defiantly, hoping to ensnare Kurama with good old-fashioned blackmail. Besides, how could Kurama expect him to go to freakin' Bolivia without even knowing why he's searching for the little runt?

"If you help me find him in the next five minutes," Kurama suddenly said with a low tone. "I'll tell you the secret of beating him in a fight."

Yusuke eyed the manipulative, blackmailing devil's child sitting right before his eyes with malice, loathe, contempt… Yusuke ran out of words.

"Damn you manipulative fox…" Yusuke muttered at the shaggy teen.

"Good, now let's get to work. You can take item 30 up, I'll handle the rest."

Yusuke smirked at Kurama. "It just so happens, Mr. Smarty Pants, that I know of a better way of finding the three-eyed freak."

Kurama sent daggers to Yusuke with a threatening stare.

"I'm not kidding!" Yusuke said, pulling out a mobile phone from his pocket. "Botan gave him this nifty, special spirit detective phone that has a signal in all three worlds. We just push this, see." Yusuke held up the phone and indeed, upon pushing the middle button, the scowling face of Hiei appeared on the screen.

"Hey," Kurama whined. "Why wasn't I given a phone? I'm a spirit detective too."

"Budget cut," Yusuke grinned sheepishly. "Koenma figured you'd always be with Hiei anyway."

"Which I'm not!" the redhead suddenly shouted, which made Yusuke's eyebrows lift like a helium balloon. "Call him right now!"

"Okay, okay! Geez, you're one bossy fox," Yusuke muttered, pressing the green button and dialing Hiei. The screen of the phone lit up and again Hiei's scowling face was reflected on the tiny screen.

Ring ring!

"It's ringing!"

"I can hear, Kurama, thank you very much."

Ring ring!

"Did Botan teach Hiei how to use the phone?"

"Uh-"

Ring! Ring!

"What would Hiei be doing inside a 747 engine, anyway?"

"I regret the day I made him watch Armageddon."

Ring Ring!

"This is hopeless. Lets go back to that list."

"Wait-"

Click!

"See! Somebody answered- hello? Hiei? HELLO?"

Grhgghhzz...

"HELLO? HIEI! THIS IS KURAMA! WHERE ARE YOU?"

Guswaarggghh

"Uh, Kurama? I don't think-"

"HIEI!"

Kurama grabbed the phone from Yusuke. All this time, a strange sound still seemed to come out of it.

Gwaaarrkkk... Kkkhhhaagh!

"It's a demon, Kurama! Hiei must have ditched the phone in Makai when Botan gave it to us!"

There was a click, and then a dead tone.

Kurama looked flatly at Yusuke, who let out a defeated sigh.

"Fine, Bolivia it is..."

Well, he searched Bolivia, Ghana, Mexico, and all other countries Yusuke could think of. In fact, just to be safe, Yusuke even checked all onsens in Japan. He knew the insane fox would make him search them anyway.

Tired, exhausted, utterly energyless and with quite a mind to stand up to Kurama and stop this madness, Yusuke staggered to their agreed-upon meeting point: the Mcdonald's across their school.

Upon opening the door, he was slightly disappointed to see the redhead already sitting there, enjoying a Mcflurry. He had hoped he'd at least get a moment of rest.

"What took you so long?" Kurama said. "I've been waiting here for an hour."

"What-", Yusuke said, slumping down on the seat across his psychotic team mate. "How did that happen? Your list said North Carolina, Bali... why you cheating fox!"

"Of course I didn't cheat. I just used my powers. I merely asked my plants to pass on a message to the plants in those areas, and all of them said they haven't seen Hiei."

"Waitaminute, North Carolina is separated from us by an ocean! No way plants can pass message cross-Atlantic!"

"That's why I had to ask the help of Pu to fly over to continue the message."

Yusuke gritted his teeth and saw red. He fought to maintain calm. "Then why, may I ask, did you even ask me to take up half you list if you method is faster?"

"Oh, it just took too much ki. I'll run out if I connected with the plants everywhere," Kurama explained, flipping his hair like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Kuramaaaaaa!" Yusuke roared, standing up and almost strangling the redhead.

Ring ring!

"Wha-"

"Yusuke! Your detective phone!"

Ring ring!

Yusuke hurriedly dug around inside his duffel bag and pulled out the phone. The tiny light in front of it was glowing.

"Hurry, answer it!"

"Okay, geez," Yusuke muttered. He then flipped the phone open and, without looking at the screen, pressed it close to his ear. "Hello?"

"Is this Yusuke?"

"Yes, who's this?"

"This is Hiei, dumbass."

"Who is it?" Kurama asked.

"Ssshh!" Yusuke said to Kurama.

"You're busy?" Hiei asked.

"No!" Yusuke shouted. "No, perfectly fine!"

"You called earlier?"

"Yes! Who was that demon who answered?"

"It's Hiei! Let me speak to him!"

Yusuke held a hand out and held Kurama away from grabbing the phone. From the fringes Yusuke spotted some of the fast food crowd giving them strange looks.

"Sorry about that. Some jackass demon pickocketed me Makai. I've the phone back now (a desperate gurgling and a foot stomping and squishing something was then heard). What's up?"

"Damn demon scoundrels. Anyway, nothing's up, really, it's just that I heard Kurama's looking for you."

"Lemme speeaaak!"

Yusuke clamped his hand on Kurama's mouth.

"Kurama? I wonder why."

"I dunno either. Anyway, wanna meet up?"

"Mppphhhh!"

"Right. Right. Perfect! Yeah, see you there in an hour. Bye!"

"Mppphhh- LET ME SPEAK TO HIM YOU-"

Click!

Yusuke snapped the phone shut with a flourish, grinning and pleased at his state of upper-handedness.

"That was unnecessary, if you must know," Kurama muttered, putting down his Mcflurry cup and grabbing his sling bag. "So where are we meeting him?"

"Uh, I'm meeting him. You're not coming."

"And why not!"

"Because you're a manipulative, sick fox, and I'm telling you to. Don't worry, afterwards I'll bring him to you."

Kurama sank back on his chair with a pout.

"Okay."

"Okay? You understand? You're not coming."

"Okay."

"If I ever see a glimpse of you following me, I'll tell Hiei you have a rare Ningen disease called 'cooties' and not to get his ass near you for a year."

"Damn you turd."

"Good to know we have an understanding. So be a good fox, sit, and stay. We'll be in your house by tonight."

Dang, a waste of time AND a cliffy? What kind of **** is this? Secret to be revealed in next episode...