Title: Food Fight and the Grape Fighters
Author: Za Webmaster Authoress
Posted On: July 3rd, 2008
Rated: K+
Rated For: One swear word and some advanced vocabulary here and there. That, and I just don't like K.
Summary: Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn get in a fight over a bowl of grapes while in the kitchen, and chaos ensues with many a Lord and Lady joining in. Oneshot.
Notes: Um, very random, very funny. Not to be taken seriously, I just wanted to do something funny. Review? Please?
Food Fight and the Grape Fighters
Legolas Greenleaf, clutching a bowl of various grapes protectively, walked into the Gondor kitchens where Merry and Pippin were cooking second breakfast.
"What are you guys doing?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at the flour covered kitchen.
"Cooking, what does it look like we're doing?" Pippin retorted, dumping sugar into a bowl.
"What are you cooking, and why is the kitchen covered in flour?" Arwen demanded with a dazzling smile, walking in. But she frowned slightly at the mess the duo had made.
"Nothing!" the two hobbits grinned, feigning innocence.
"What do you have?" Arwen sighed in defeat, turning to Legolas.
"MY GRAPES!" the Elf burst out hysterically.
"GGRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPESSS!!" Aragorn and Gimli screamed, bursting into the room and tackling Legolas to the floor.
"OFF!" the blond commanded, holding the grapes out of reach. The other two were on his back and straining to grab the bowl, at the same time fending each other off. Eowyn and Faramir walked in, having heard the commotion, and Elladan and Elrohir were not far behind. Aragorn snatched the bowl of grapes and stood up, stuffing one into his mouth. Eowyn shoved Gimli off of Legolas, and Faramir helped Legolas to his feet.
"Many thanks." the Elf said with a nod of his head, before he turned around.
MINE!" he screamed, tackling Aragorn and snatching them from the King of Gondor.
Gimli grabbed them, and a full-blown 'it's mine!' war followed.
"You are all are fighting. Over... Grapes..." Elladan stated, staring at them.
"Yes, do you have a comment?" Aragorn demanded as he popped several grapes into his mouth, while Legolas seized the bowl in Aragorn's moment of distraction. Gimli dove into the fight, and the trio rolled into a clear space in the kitchen. Merry and Pippin handed everyone plates of bacon, eggs, and pancakes.
"Wow. Breakfast and a show." Elrohir chuckled, digging into his pancakes.
"THE GRAPES ARE MINE!!" Legolas cackled, and was savagely kicked by Aragorn, while Gimli stealthily stole the grapes.
"Share the stupid grapes!" Arwen finally commanded, getting annoyed with the sight of three respectable persons behaving so foolishly over a bowl of grapes.
They stopped as if frozen in time, Gimli in a headlock by Aragorn, with Legolas on the floor and Gimli and Legolas clutching the bowl of grapes for dear life, while Aragorn was stepping on Legolas's free wrist in an attempt to stop the Elf.
"Share?" Aragorn repeated, eyes wide and sounding absolutely horrified.
"But-But. That ruins the whole point of it!" Legolas gasped, looking as if someone had slapped him across the face with a dead fish.
"How dare you!" Gimli roared vehemently, as if someone had told him he was a ghost.
"Forget I said anything." Arwen said hastily, raising her palm to show defeat.
"Meh. Okay." Legolas grinned, and the battle for the grapes was on again...
Elladan placed his plate down on a table carefully, and walked over to a bowl of flour.
"Hey Arwen?" he called in a sing-song voice.
Arwen, who was talking to Eowyn, turned. "Yes?" she asked calmly.
Elladan flicked flour right in her face. "Oops!" he said mockingly, obviously not meaning it.
Arwen wiped the flour from her eyes very tranquilly, "Eowyn?"
"Yes?" the other woman replied with a barely concealed grin.
"Would you please assist me in gaining revenge against my brother?"
"Of course, my dear friend."
The two females grinned with wicked beauty, picked up handfuls of pancake batter, and threw the substance at Elladan. The majority of it hit him square in the face, the goo messing up his hair and completely covering his pretty features.
"Pah." he spit out the mixture from his mouth and wiped his eyes clear.
Elrohir snuck up behind the two females, and poured water on them.
"Thank you dear brother for helping me!" Elladan laughed as a grape flew his way.
"MINE!" Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli screamed, simultaneously diving for the grape and knocking Elladan to the ground in the process.
"FARAMIR UNLESS YOU WANT A BLOODY DIVORCE HELP US!" Eowyn screeched, grabbing a tomato and hitting Elrohir splat in the face with it. Faramir quickly tossed a handful of grapes.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEESSSSSS!!" The Grape Fighters (Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli) screamed, diving for the grapes and tackling Faramir all at once.
"Eowyn, a little help!" Faramir called out, waving an arm frantically as the Grape Fighters began to wrestle over a grape, while they were still on top of him,
With a heavy sigh, Eowyn dumped a bowl of pancake batter on the Grape Fighters' heads. This did not cause them to be enraged at the Shield Maiden, instead, snapping them back towards the main goal of getting the bowl of grapes.
"GRAPES!" said trio shouted, and lunged for the forgotten bowl of grapes.
"Are you alright honey?" Eowyn asked, pulling her husband to her feet, ignoring the fact that Elladan and Elrohir were screaming bloody murder because Arwen had deposited an entire sack of flour and a whole container of syrup on their heads.
"I'm fine," he replied, "But ARAGORN, GIMLI, AND LEGOLAS will not be!" he screamed the names, and said Man, Elf, and Dwarf completely ignored Faramir, proceeding to wrestle over the bowl. A single grape was spilled onto the floor, and the Grape Fighters suddenly stopped. Because they stopped, everyone else stopped.
Dead silence.
"We're dead!?" Pippin screamed dramatically.
"Shut up!" Merry scolded, squishing a boiled sweet potato on his cousin's head.
The Grape Fighters were still staring with their mouths open in shock at the lone grape.
"MINE!" Aragorn roared, squirming out of the dogpile and lunging for the single grape.
"NO!" Gimli shouted, following suit. Legolas watched the two fight, blinking occasionally. Then he picked up the bowl of grapes with an evil grin. "Myyyyy precioussssss." he whispered, sounding very much like Gollum.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the others had continued the food war. Not a fight, a war. Because everyone has chosen sides.
Eowyn, Arwen, Faramir, Pippin and Merry were one side. Elladan, Elrohir were on the other, all by their lonesome.
Glorfindel walked in, having made the unwise choice to visit, and having made the equally unwise choice to find out what the commotion was in the kitchens.
"What is going on here?" he demanded loudly, as Sam cautiously stepped beside him. Haldir, with a bored sigh, walked in and dumped a bowl of vanilla pudding on Arwen's head.
"I just had to do that." he grinned, and was met with a pie in the face. Arwen did not like having pudding dumped on her head.
"Pick sides!" everyone shouted to the newcomers.
Glorfindel and Haldir, taking pity on Elladan and Elrohir, joined them. Sam joined the others for several reasons.
1) They outnumbered the opposing team.
2) The only other two hobbits were on that side.
3) They outnumbered the opposing team.
4) Lady Arwen and Lady Eowyn were quite fierce.
5) They outnumbered the opposing team.
"Haldir, call for reinforcements!" Glorfindel shouted after receiving a fistful of mashed potatoes in his face. Haldir obeyed, bolting for his life as a large blob of frosting narrowly missed his head. The fight resumed, and when a maid came in with jellies, the battle was truly on. She bolted as soon as she set the tray down, and soon everyone was covered in different flavors of jelly and jam. The Grape Fighters, realizing their was GRAPE jelly (Elladan was ever sorry he had shouted that) abandoned their war for the grapes and started another over the grape jelly.
"HA!" Legolas jeered as he yanked the jar away from Eowyn's grip and ran back to the bowl of grapes.
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!" someone shouted in a VERY kingly voice, giving them all heart attacks. Well, maybe not heart attacks, but it did scare the snot out of them. Everyone froze, not daring to breathe more than necessary. Some found it hard to do, being stuck in very uncomfortable positions.
"Ada..." Legolas whimpered, spotting his towering father.
Said King of Mirkwood looked both confused and pissed off. He was turning a very interesting shade of red as he viewed the scene before him. Glorfindel was glaring at Haldir.
"I said to get reinforcements, not to have the King of Mirkwood come and stop the fun." he hissed to the Lothlorien Elf, who shrugged meekly.
"Who said I was coming to stop this food war?" King Thranduil snorted.
They all continued to stare.
"I'm joining in!"
Still unsure, no one dared to move. Thranduil sighed and picked up a handful of frosting at his feet. With a mildly amused look on his face, he chucked it at Legolas, who got it square in the face. The spell was broken, and chaos resumed. Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli continued to fight over the grapes (the jams and jellies had been devoured) and pretended not to notice when Thranduil demanded that his son 'stop this tomfoolery when a war is at hand!'. The fight continued throughout the day, with no one side as the clear victors. It ended when Galadriel and Celeborn entered looking shocked. Then it began all over again, and there was not a clean spot left on anyone or anything.
The servants were just THRILLED...
So... Whatdya think? I just thought this would be funny, and I could totally see something along these lines happening (except for maybe the Grape Fighters bits) with such a crazy bunch of characters. Please review! :)
-IF