The Long Goodbye

Zebraboymom

Disclaimer: Not mine. If they were, things would be different and both detectives would be back in the fall.

Author Notes: I can't stand the idea that I'm not going to see Chris Meloni every Wednesday night. Sniff…you know we're all going to write one before the fall starts. Yes, my take on how the end should have gone.

It was ten o'clock at night. The squad room was empty. Olivia slipped out of her office next to Cragen's and looked around. She was alone. She quickly crossed the room and sat in her old desk. It was now the desk of Ellen Cranz, her replacement. For Liv, it would always be her desk. She sat down and closed her eyes. How many times had she done this over the last nine months? She looked across at the desk facing hers. His desk, joined to hers. It belonged to Sam Baxter now. Baxter and Cranz were a great team. They got along famously and did a good job. Olivia had been proud of them. They were both young and eager just like she and Elliot had been. They were cocky, but dedicated. She liked them both, but watching them every day made that ache in her stomach get bigger every day. It had been nine month since he had left. There were no promises to keep in touch, no teary farewells. He had just walked into Cragen's office, tossed his badge and gun on his desk and walked out. His only words were 'I'm done.' Olivia couldn't believe it. She had just come back from taking a shower to wash off the blood and putting on clean clothes when she saw him walking towards her. He had grabbed her so hard she squeaked. He pulled her into his arms and just held her in front of everyone. She could feel his body trembling as he stood there cheek to cheek with her. He whispered in her ear.

"I'm sorry."

He had turned his face then and buried his it in her neck. She could still feel the kiss he placed there tenderly against her flesh and then he was gone. It still haunted her. She never thought that would be the last time she would ever see Elliot Stabler.

She tried several times to call him, but he never returned her calls. Eventually she stopped trying. She called their house a few times and Kathy always said it wasn't a good time. She would ask how he was and Kathy would dodge her questions. Finally one day when she called Kathy asked her not to call there anymore. Olivia did her best to picture him happy. She pictured him retired and playing with Eli. She saw him taking Dickie to ball games and going to the girls' events. She saw him happy. In fact she refused to see him any other way. Part of her was waiting for the day when he would walk back in the squad room with Eli on his shoulders and hug her and tell one of his ridiculous jokes and act like he hadn't been absent for so many, many months.

She on the other hand was not doing well. She had run through no less than five partners before Cragen finally called her into his office and told her something had to give. He had created a new position for her. She would be his second in command. She would teach at the academy and take cases when his load got to be too much. He couldn't handle as much as he used to and he was pretty sure he would be retiring in a couple of years. He told Olivia he wanted to train her to be his replacement. He told her she could have a normal life for once and she would be sharing her gift with victims to a whole new generation of officers. Liv had taken the job willingly. She couldn't face the victims anymore. Not without Elliot beside her. His strength always allowed her to keep going. Without him there she just couldn't do it day after day. She sat with her chin in her hand looking across at his desk. She could almost see him sitting there doing the same thing back at her. How many times over the years had they sat and just looked at each other while their minds ran? She missed him so much. Damn him! She never thought when he left that would be the end of their relationship. How could he just toss twelve years of partnership out the window? She felt a tear trickle down her face and swiped it away angrily. She wanted to be done grieving his loss, but she couldn't let go. He was all she thought about some days. She thought with him gone she would pursue a life for herself outside of work, but there hadn't been anyone in her life in over three years and the last nine months hadn't been any different. She was stuck, unable to move on. The one man who grounded her was gone from her life. She crossed her arms on the desk and dropped her head onto them. She was trying not to cry, but she could feel more tears welling up. How many times was she going to do this to herself? That's when she realized she wasn't alone. She looked up at Elliot's desk to see someone standing there looking at her. It took her a minute to get over the shock when she realized it was Kathy Stabler.

"Thought I'd find you here. I went by your apartment and when I didn't find you home I figured you would probably be here."

"Kathy, what are you doing here? Is Elliot okay? The kids?"

Kathy walked around the desk and sat on the corner of Liv's.

"I don't know what else to do here Olivia. I hate to do this to you, but you are the only one who has ever been able to get through to him. If anyone can help him now, it's you. I…I'm just not strong enough to keep doing it."

"Kathy, you're scaring me. What are you talking about?"

"He's lost Liv. He's so lost I can't even find him anymore. I tried. God I tried so hard. For four months I tried. He isn't the man I married anymore. Hell, he hasn't been that man for about 6 years. I should have let the divorce go through the first time, but I kept thinking if he gave all this up he'd be himself again. He's a different man now. I don't know this Elliot. We finalized the divorce four months ago, but he was still seeing the kids, trying to be their dad. The last couple of months he's been dead. He forgets to get the kids. His place is a wreck. He won't answer the phone half the time. I used to go over there some and you know, clean up, but I'm seeing someone now and he doesn't like me to go over there anymore. Elliot needs help Liv. You are the only one who ever understood him like he needed to be understood."

She reached for Olivia's hand and placed a key there. She closed her hand over Liv's and looked at her with tears in her eyes.

"I love him Olivia. I'm not in love with him anymore, but I care about him. Please help him. Please?'

"Kathy I don't know what I can do. You know what he's like…"

"You are all he needs right now. I know that for sure. Most of his grief is centered on losing you. I promise you that. He's having nightmares almost every night and they're always about one of two things. Shooting the girl or you dying and him not being there to save you. Please go to him Liv. Make him happy again. If you can't do it then I think he might eat his gun. I don't want his children to have to live with that for the rest of their lives. Will you at least try?"

Olivia stood and the two women embraced. She liked Kathy. She always had. They were the two women in Elliot's life. They would always have that in common.

"I'll try Kathy. I'll really try."

"That's all I can ask for."

"I'll let you know how he's doing."

"That…that'd be great. I have to go. Jeff is waiting for me downstairs."

"Be happy Kathy. You deserve it."

"You do too Liv. I hope you find some as well."

Kathy turned and walked away. Liv stood for a second registering everything she had said. She grabbed a form out of her desk and started filling it out. It was for emergency leave. Lord knows she had enough days off on the books to be gone for a month, but she wouldn't do that to Cragen. She wrote him a note sort of explaining things and grabbed her coat off the hook in her office. She knew where Elliot's apartment was. He had kept it after he returned to Kathy and had sublet it out, but he must have been staying there for the last several months. She climbed the stairs to his door and knocked softly. No answer. She knocked again more loudly. Still no answer. She called out his name. The neighbor across the hall opened her door and glared at her. Liv apologized and took the key out of her pocket. She slipped it into the lock and slowly opened the door.

"Elliot, it's Liv. I'm coming in so don't shoot me, okay?"

Once inside she looked around the room. It looked like a hurricane hit. Mr. Marine Corp had always been neat as a pen. This was not good. She walked around the room looking at the discarded beer bottles, Chinese take-out, pizza boxes and newspapers. The place was a mess and reeked of alcohol. She looked in his bedroom, but still nothing. Could he be out at a bar? She walked into his kitchen and that's when she saw him. He was slumped over his table with an empty whiskey bottle sitting next to an empty glass. She prayed he hadn't downed the whole bottle that night. If he had they would be making a trip to the ER. He looked the same, definitely thinner, but bulkier muscle wise. Knowing him, he took his frustration out in the gym. He had always been a gym rat. She approached him cautiously and slipped her hand down to his throat to check for a pulse. She found one and let out the breath she didn't realize she had been holding. It was in that second that a hand closed around her wrist and jerked her hard against the table. Olivia tried not to scream, but it hurt like hell.

"Elliot, stop! It's me, Liv."

Elliot sat up straight then and grabbed his head. He shook it like he was trying to shake away his alcohol induced stooper.

"Liv?"

"Yeah, it's me."

"What are you doing here?"

"Kathy thought you needed a handler. That's always been my job, remember?"

Elliot dragged his eyes from her feet to meet her eyes. For a minute they just took each other in. it had been nine long months. Nine months without each other. It seemed like a lifetime and then again like it was just yesterday. Each of them knew the other so well. Elliot started to move to stand and then he turned away from her. She saw those beautiful tortured blue eyes and her heart sank at how empty they looked. Oh, El.

His voice was rough like he was gargling broken glass.

"You need to leave Liv. I don't want you here. I can't have you here. I don't want you to see me like this."

"Yeah, well, I'm your partner and I'm not going anywhere. Let's get you to bed so you don't wake up with a bad back in the morning."

"Don't care."

"Yeah, well I do. Now come on."

She went to grab his arm and he jerked it away knocking the chair over as he stood and swayed backwards into the counter. He grabbed for it and caught himself. He tried to stand upright and walk, but he had to grab the counter again. Liv approached him like you would a wild animal. She knew him well enough to be careful. There was so much she wanted to say to him.

"Elliot."

It was a whisper. It felt like warm water flowing over him. He had missed her so much. Why was she here? He needed her so much, but he'd been afraid to ask for her help. He'd left her like she had left him and he knew what that felt like. He had promised himself he would never do that to her. It had hurt him too much. But he had done it anyway. He had gone home to Kathy and had screwed that up royally. He chuckled to himself as Liv approached him slowly again.

"What's so funny El?"

"Just like me to screw up everything and hurt everyone who matters in my life. Now you've come to get some as well. You should go now Liv. You aren't going to like what you find here. Do us both a favor and go."

One word.

"No."

"Olivia."

"I'm never going to leave you again El. So, just get used to the idea. I'm here to stay in your life. Now come her now!"

She reached around his waist and he dropped his arm over her shoulder. He was heavy as he leaned on her. She led him to his bedroom and pulled down the covers. He sat heavily down and she swung his legs under the covers and tucked him in. He threw one arm over his eyes and as she stood to leave he grabbed her other hand tightly jerking her back.

"Sorry."

"It's okay."

"Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"I didn't think you'd come."

"Why wouldn't I El?"

"Why would you?"

"Partners, remember? Now rest. She sat down on the edge of the bed for a minute and held his hand. In all their years together she never did this. She had never just sat by his bed and held his hand. Tonight she did. He moved his arm and looked at her from under heavy lids. She watched him with tender eyes. This man had protected her for most of her adult life. Now it was her turn to protect him from his demons. She couldn't help herself. She broke their silent rule and reached up to stroke her fingers lightly along his cheek. He leaned into her touch and closed his eyes. She sat there with him, just stroking his cheek and his brow until his breathing leveled out. She stood quietly and headed back into his living room. Surveying the maelstrom she rolled up her sleeves, grabbed some trash bags from the kitchen and started in. She never was one to sleep much, so tonight was as good as tomorrow. She was going to clean up Elliot's home and hopefully his life. She wanted her partner back. She wanted the love of her life back. That's what he was and always would be. She would never give up on him. She couldn't. She loved him with all her heart and she could not spend another day without him in it.