A/N: I don't own any of the Bears of Briggs. Okay, funny story behind the creation of this one: in the Wolf's Rain fandom, there is a crack AU oneshot called "Or Something" by Rose Flame, and it is made of funny and awesome. Knowing that it's highly unlikely that anyone else is going to write more fem!Tsume, much less write more that well, I started trying to do it myself. Then somewhere between ElfQuest's Kahvi and a couple other Gen. Armstrong fics, it got transmuted into this by the Killer Meta Crackbunnies of Doom. After all, there aren't enough badasses who also just happen to be female, too. That doesn't always mean that their subordinates enjoy them as much as the readers do, of course...

The kid was staring at her. Worse than that, he was focusing at his eye level, and he was a hell of a lot shorter than her… It was a classical rookie mistake. The boss did look like sex on legs, after all. Catch her in the right mood and she would laugh the stares off, even take them as a compliment. She dressed to intimidate more than to impress, but a man could be intimidated by a lot of different things, after all, and a gorgeous, untouchable woman was high enough on that list.

"What are you looking at, rookie?" one of the others hissed at the kid, hoping to pull his eyes up where they belonged before he drew the boss's attention. Sure, watching her strike fear into the hearts of fresh meat was almost as fun as instilling that fear yourself, but we'd all been there when she wasn't in a good mood, too. The kid seemed innocent enough in his study of the cliff, so to speak, but that didn't mean he was going to get off lightly.

I still remember the first time I'd gotten caught. It had only been the three of us on watch at the time, me and her and my best friend, not that friendship means all that much when it comes down to keeping the boss from castrating you and anyone else she might feel like just for being in the area. "See something you like?" she'd asked me, stretching with her arms extended slowly above her head, teasing me as she pushed her already perky front inwards and upwards.

I'd been as young and dense as this kid back then. I'd nodded dumbly, my mouth too dry for words. I probably would have had a nosebleed if the blood hadn't all been rushing to certain other areas. Gods and heaven help me, I had thought I was about to get lucky with one of the most powerful blondes in the north.

And I was lucky, for a given value of lucky. She severed no major vessels and refrained from cutting off anything that couldn't be replaced. She didn't even stab me in the vitals. "There are bigger distractions out there, and things that can hurt you worse than I just did. I suggest you learn to keep your eyes on your work," she told me sweetly, patting my head as I writhed in pain. "Take this idiot back to base," she'd directed my buddy. And because he was my best friend, he'd risked getting within range of her blade with barely a whimper.

I still miss that man.

It was too late for this kid, though. The boss may have been too busy with sorting the supplies to give a damn about some newbie staring at her rack, but she had heard the whisper as sure as I had, and the boys expected a show. If only for the sake of appearances, she turned cold, calculating bright eyes upon the poor doomed bastard of a rookie. "Well?" she asked, raising a pale eyebrow and crossing her arms beneath her chest.

The kid had almost found his voice. And here comes classic rookie mistake number two, I predicted darkly. Getting caught was bad enough. Trying to deny you'd been staring? She'd killed men for less obvious lies than that.

"Er, um, you, ma'am," the kid said, wriggling like a worm on a hook. At least, for the kid's sake, he was fortunate enough to be learning this lesson in a more relaxed setting, where she wouldn't have to make an example out of him on general principle. Who knew, there was always the off chance that he'd caught the boss in a good mood. Those were pretty rare, but getting the stuff fresh off the train generally raised everybody's spirits. She just had different ways of showing it.

Ways like baiting the newbies…

The woman was good. She could turn silence into a weapon as deadly as her blade. The boss gave the kid that freezing glare, her mouth setting into that half-smirk that suggested she was coming up with a new way to hurt somebody and was considering using you as the first test subject to fine-tune her theory. You started talking under that gaze just to try to distract her.

"Sorry, ma'am?" he added, his voice cracking as his big blue eyes swerved desperately between me, the boss's face, and the rest of the old guard, hoping that one of us would call her off. Fat chance, kid. You made the mistake, and now you're gonna have to pay the lesson-master on your own. I'm not going to interfere until she starts going for a third testicle.

That smile on her face was like something you would never want to see coming up from the snowline on a dark, wild night, something that you know you'll be facing alone and unarmed, something that'll disarm you in a pretty damn literal sense once it smells the fear dripping down your leg into your boots. "You want to see more?" she asked, stretching out her arms like a predator limbering up for a kill.

"M-ma'am?" The kid didn't know what to do, and I couldn't help but shake my head in sympathy. Here she goes again…

She just gave the kid a feral smile, lifting him up by the collar to insure that he was looking exactly where he was supposed to - the darkest nightmare in the back of his head. "I'll see you tonight. You impress me, I'll see you again after that." I didn't even see her blade until after I saw her wipe the blood off. She never crippled her men, never maimed us, but a man had to have a little extra blood that he didn't mind losing to learn from her.

Hopefully, the kid would learn fast.

I was at my usual post when the boss finished her evening lesson. Sure, it's cold out here, but I've always admired the interplay of snow, stone, and sky that this place offered, and it's not like I really expected any danger out here on the edge of nothing. Trouble may be out there awaiting us, but it'll have to get past her and her guard first, and she taught us to guard well. Even the new meat was paying attention to his surroundings now: mostly the snow beneath him and what little could be heard over his gasping breaths, but he'd pause every now and then, straighten without ever releasing that death-grip at his bruised ribs, and glance wildly around as if expecting his teacher to flank him and strike with the flat or butt of her blade. Wouldn't surprise me if she had already pulled that tactic a time or two; it was an old favorite.

She appeared to have a different lesson in mind this time, though. "There is nothing wrong with admiring a view, private, but one must be able to defend it and oneself at any moment if one is to be able to continue appreciating it." She swung, and I caught it. Like I said, it was an old favorite, and I'm best equiped to play that game. "Take the captain here: he has a good eye for a landscape, but he uses it for scouting terrain more than painting still-lifes, which is why he's alive to study it at his leisure."

"Yes'm," the boy wheezed, sketching a pained salute.

At last, because the sun was down, the wind was cold, the lesson was accomplished for one night, we were alone, and I still had an iron grip on the end of her sword, she took a little pity on the kid. "Dismissed." He thanked her and hobbled off as quickly as he could, still glancing warily behind him.

"He did better than I thought he would," the boss admitted, sliding her sword out of my hand with a quick twist to insure the metal didn't "freeze up" on her blade.

"Should I be worried?"

"You should only worry if they don't, Buccaneer. Now, then, are you ready for evening practice?" I shrugged, looking for the relief guard. The boss caught my gaze and then settled herself beside me on the battlement, leaning her forearms against the railing as we waited. She wasn't obvious about it, but she liked to admire the view sometimes, too. I liked those times, even if she did tend to catch me off-guard with them, or moreover, with their abrupt segue into action. It's just a reminder that a man has to be ready for anything.