This is my first attempt at a Daria fic, and due in part to the overabundance of darker, more angsty themes in the fandom,
I decided to take things in a lighter direction. Granted, mixing Daria and Spongebob MIGHT be Grade A blasphemy from
both ends, but whats the worst that could happen?(Don't answer that) So i decided to take the Daria characters, and
put them into scenarios taken(moreso based, I made enough changes for it to fit) from SpongeBob, who knows, maybe
I'll make more, maybe I won't, we shall see. This one is based on No Weenies allowed.
So, yeah. Anyway, let's get this stupid story I came up with overwith.
No Brainy Janeys Allowed: A DariaBob JanePants Fic.
"So, this is the place that drove The Zon out of business."
Daria and Jane walked towards the entrance of the new club, The Salted Wound. The Zon had fallen on hard times,
and combined with this new club, and The Zons chronic legal troubles, it was simply too much for that ol place.
"The salted wound, huh. Sounds like my kind of place. Heard Trent got a gig here."Jane said as she threw a
paper airplane, failing to note that it would fly towards the line of people, hitting someone in the face.
"OUCH. WHO THREW A PAPER AIRPLANE AT ME." A large muscular guy turned around.
"Well Jane, you're on you're on with this one." Daria said, as Jane scooted backwards, hiding behind Darias
coat. After the guy left(presumably to punch someone else) Jane came back out.
The door was guarded by a muscular bouncer, with tatoos on his chest. He stood there, the only thing between
Jane and this club. And a thought began a ticking inside Janes little head.
'Why, if this club can run The Zon out of buisness, and if Trent can get in, then so can I! Im Jane Lane!'
And so, with this thought in her head, Jane walked forward. The bouncer spoke.
"Welcome to The Salted Wound, how tough are you?"
"Since when was toughness a legally binding term?" Jane said, a blank look on her face.
"Ever since the boss told me to stop checking ages when people came in?" Daria and Jane looked at each other.
"Isn't that illegal, Mr...?"
"Reginald, call me Reg, and, ah, uh, the uh...the thing about that is...uhhh...ho how HOW TOUGH ARE YOU?"
Daria and Jane glanced at one another, shrugged, and Jane stepped back to allow Daria to approach.
"How tough arrrrrr...you?" Reg started, but was cut off as Daria stared at him. It was a cold, unfeeling
stare, and the longer you looked at it, the more you could see, nothing but death, misery, emptyness, the fires
of hell a glowing, burning brighter and brighter, as Daria leaned in closer, and closer, until...
"Ah, alright miss, you can go in, welcome." Reg shivered slightly as she walked by, turned to him, and said..
"Good. A wise choice." And she walked in without another word.
Then Jane stepped up. And stared.
Nothing happened.
"Yeah, that ain't gonna work this time, your stare dosen't have that...thing, to it."
Jane disagreed. "OH COME ON, JUST LET ME IN, PLEASE!" Jane was getting awfully antsy.
"Hmm...can you open this jar of pickles?"
"YOU BET I CAN!" Jane shouted, as she tried to open it.
Key word is tried. She tried alright, but she couldn't get it.
"Just...uggggh, just give me minute. Uhh, maybe I could try throwing this garden rock...maybe, I could-"
"Uhh, yeah, I think you geek types are better suited to go over there." he pointed across the street, towards..
"PIZZA FOREST?! ARE YOU SAYING I SHOULD BE IN PIZZA FRICKING FOREST?! But he cut Jane off "Um, no. I was
actually pointing over there." and he redirected her to where he was pointing. "FUZZY WUZZY PIZZA FOREST!
ARE YOU FRICKING SHITTING ME!"
"So unless you think you can fight me..."
CUT TO PIZZA FOREST. Jane is miserable, sitting across from Ted and some chubby nerd girl he was with.
"Well, hows your collection coming."
"I managed to get the original, huh huh, print."
"Sweet, you know, back in 1989, they-"
"I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS, IM GONNA THINK OF A PLAN, MARK MY WORDS, AND I WON'T SLEEP TIL I DO!" Jane said,
running out the door.
"You can't hide from yourself forever Jane! Accept your inner geek!" Shouted Ted, as Jane ran off screaming
into the night.
"Hey Jane, I came over to watch Sick Sad World and ohhhhh... what the hell are you doing?"
Jane was staring at her computer, sucking back a jumbo mug of coffee, and chowing down on her second box of
Pizza, her eyes were purple and strained, her stomach pooched out, and her arms were shaking. A bunch of tabs
were open, The Salted Wounds website, a page on not being a geek, a page on toughness, Andreas blog, etc."
"Jane, what drugs did you take and why?" Asked Daria as Jane turned around.
"I WILL GET INTO THE SALTED WOUND OR DIE TRYING!" Jane said, as she went to pull on her coat.
"The latter option, then? Really Jane, I think you may have gotten a wee bit obsessed, and by a wee bit, I m-"
But Jane has already ran out the door, cackling madly.
"So she finally lost it...I must be trying too hard."
It was late at night in lawndale, Reginald was working the late shift, when all of a sudden...
"REGINALD, I DEMAND ENTRANCE TO YOUR CLUB! IF I CAN'T GO TO THE ZON, I'M GOING TO THIS BLOODY CLUB."
"Sorrrry Jane Lame, but unless you can give me a good reason to let you in..."
"Rej, dis gurl be given yaz trooble?" One of the other bouncers had came by, a scottish bloke,who had heard the
commotion.
"Yeah she is reeeally a...hey where did she go?" They turned to see Jane desperatly trying to get out of the
grasp of another bouncer, a large woman with stubble. She had almost made it through the door, and she fought
on.
"Let go of me or I swear I'll yell rape so loudly the-"
"You know I'm a woman, right?" asked the bouncer, with a deep voice, sounding like she had heard it all before,
as she lifted Jane upwards.
"Hey, Lesbian rape is a thing too ya know, and I should know, considering I- AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...!
Jane screamed as she went rolling down the nearby hill. The scruffy lady seemed displeased.
"Ugh, amateurs. Reg you couldn't stop a runaway toddler if you tried."
"Let me guess, you couldn't get in?" Teds nerd friend(who Jane had learned was named Dani) asked Jane, though
the answer was pretty obvious, she was looking down and shoving pizza in her face haphazardly.
"I will get it, they can't keep me out, I'm Jane Lane, I will get in, they can't ke ke keep me out, I'm-"
"Jane? You don't sound so good, you need to quit while your ahead."
"Yeah, and not dead." Ted added, chuckling in a nassally way.
"I can't believe It didn't work, I spent all night working on ideas, thinking of plan after plan after..."
"Yeah, you definitly need to quit this Jane. Its flat out unhealthy. Look at your eyes, they show signs of
severe sleep deprevation" Ted stated, as Dani smirked. " Look on the brightside Jane, with you spending your
days researching topics, combined with your recent weight gain, you'll be a shoe in to join our little group!"
"IM NOT LIKE THAT, I...wait, who told you I gained weight I didn't gain weight, I'm a runner!"
"She did." Dani said, pointing to the booth behind her, where Daria was sitting, Mona Lisa smile on her face.
"The only running you've done this week is running the pizza guy rampant. That, and the internet bill."
"Daria, I trusted you, and here you are betraying me, selling out my heart mind and soul to the highest
bidder! I'll have to kill you for this, you know?"
"Now thats the Jane I know...and you know I can't resist making you suffer, its far too much fun, see
the immense pleasure pouring off my face." Her expresion remained blank. "I was worried the fat insomniac had
taken over your soul for good."
"I'm not fat, and I'm not an insomniac, I'm just taking some time off from sleeping, thats all."
Ted spoke first. "You need sleep Jane. Rem sleep is crucial to neurological function. Without it, you're
neurological capacity, capibility, and grasp on reality will slip until you are nothing more then a caffine
zombie. Quite similar to those two characters Daria described to me in one of our prior conversations, Begriss
and Bunkbed, if I recall."
"It's Beavis and Butthead. Their mother was high at the time." Daria added monotonely.
Then, Dani spoke "Sure, maybe your not fat yeeeet. But you're getting nice and portly Jane, a few more weeks
of pigging out like this, and soon one day you'll wake up with a double chin, thick thighs, a spare tire and
a bubble butt to boot. Then you'll just be BEGGING to join our little possee, and you'll spend the rest of your
life eating pizza and playing DnD with us, just sitting around on your fat butt all day indoors. Teeheehee, I
can't wait." Dani said with a smirk.
"You, are a sick sad little woman, and you have my pity." Jane said, getting a smile of approval from Daria.
"Glad to see the Trent genes haven't fully assimilated you." Daria said,knowing it was gonna tick Jane off.
"Whats that supposed to mean."
"Come on Jane, the lack of sleep, you're new nap routine, the pudge, the caffine, it's all very clear to be
your slowly becoming Trent 2.0, those lane genes can't be repressed forever Jane. You can't change who you
are."
"Wow, you really do like making me suffer." Then, a light bulb went off in Janes head. a "Wait...changing who
I am, THATS IT!" Jane shouted, as she once more ran off into the night. Daria spoke first.
"I guess the fashionnazis brainwashing finally kicked in and shes getting that nosejob?" Daria said, smirking.
"I think she's going to the rainbow wig store across the street, either that or the art store." Suddenly,
Dani had a thought. "Say...are you and Jane...you know...together?"
Daria thought for a moment.
"That is not my recollection."
Reg was at the club that night, once again working the same hard shifts(damn bills) when someone approached.
"Welcome to The Salted Wound." Reg said, mostly out of habit, when he looked closer at the visitor. "Wait..."
"Hows it shaking my man?" The young woman asked, she looked like Jane Lane, except in all black, with wilder
and longer hair, with a bit more brown in it.
"I know it's you Jane."
"Hmm, think you've mistaken me for someone else, I'm one Janet V McCoppin, just blew into town, heard this
club was so tough it scared away the competition." She said, pointing to The Zon. "I wanted to, check it out."
"Yeah Jane you ain't fooling me with that disguise." And with that, Reg leaned in and tried to rip off the
wig. It didn't come off.
"Huh?"
Suddenly someone else walked in, who looked exactly like Jane Lane, but with face paint on, and a reversed
shirt and pant color.
"Hey, what is of going onz?" Jane said, using a poor russian accent."I want to enter youringz your of club. I
am knowning as da Janesky Lanesky. Yeah."
Reg looked back at Janet, tried to fix her hair, and then awkwardly stepped back. "Sorry about that, you can go
in Janet." Reg looked at her sheepishly, and she walked in, giving him a death glare back.
"As for you, JANE-SKI..." Reg picked her up, and tossed her over the hill once more.
"I'LL BE BAAAAAAAAAACK!"
Regs scottish friend appeared "Yee getting da hand of dis Reg."
"Nice new hat Anguiss."
"Ugh, not again." Jane moaned, rubbing her sore head as she got back on her feet, her atrophied muscles aching.
Two nearby guys seemed upset by her arrival. Two...familar guys.
"Hey, heh heh, this is our spot to get chicks, heh heh."
"Shut up Beavis...heh huh...that is a chick."
"Hey...heh heh, you wanna, like, score with us?"
Jane ran off into the night faster then you could say "Holy Cornholio"
"This sucks, huhuh, we were supposed to score with diarrhea, not this, huh huh, lesbian chick. I want diarrhea"
"Shut up Beavis, huh uh, shes mine."
"Okay Jane, the first step is admitting you have a problem." Ted asked, as Jane walked in once more.
"I'm gonna get in, I'm gonna get in, if it's the last thing I do...I will...I will." Daria jumped in.
"Okay, Lane look, I don't like to get all emotional, but you're seriously starting to concern me... all of
this, for what? To get into some cheap nightclub? Jane, It's not worth it, just...wait...please dont tell
me you used lead paint?"
Janes blood ran cold. "Uhhh...I...don't...know. I just kinda grabbed at paint and poured in on."
"I'm just gonna assume that either everything is fine, or you'll be dead in a week." Daria replied.
Ted and Dani seemed more concerned. "Lead is a deadly neurotoxin, it will ruin your brain!" Ted spoke as
Dani followed "Not to mention your appetite, lead is no good."
"Guys, Gals, emotionless husks, don't worry, I'm fiiiinnnnne, the only thing is wrrroooong is that I can't
get into that cluuuuubb. I waaaaaannt in. I wwwaaaant in in innnnn!" Jane started whining again as Daria spoke.
"Ok, seriously Jane, just stop this madness, you haven't slept in days, and you're starting to sound like
Tiffany."
This, was the final straw.
"Thats It, I give up, I'm beating up the next guy I see!" Jane said, storming out, as Daria, a slight feeling
of empathy making its way up, chased after her.
"Jane, Jane, no need to go kill yourself, The school year hasn't even started yet." Daria said, as Janes
expression suddenly changed, a wide grinchy grin taking over her face. "Jane? Whatever idea has entered your
head, I have a feeling it wil-"
"DARIA, FOLLOW ME! QUICKLY!"
"So, whats your grand plan exactly?" Daria asked, concerned about the ammount of emotion on Janes face.
"Oh Daria, It's so simple...I...HEY REG, LOOK OVER HERE! ITS ME, JANE! IM ABOUT TO KICK SOME ASS!"
Daria's face went pale "Uhh...Jane, please tell me your referring to someone else..."
"Come on Daria, help a girl out, It'll be eeeeeeaaasy. Uhh...I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS MISS NERD GIRL. HA."
Reg looked over towards Jane.
"Jane, no need for senseless fisticuffs, we should just..." But she was cutoff. "I SAID,
YOUR GOING DOWN, YA TIMID GEEK!"
Something snapped.
"Ti...Timid?" Daria's eye was twitching, and even in her sleep deprived state, Jane was concerned.
"Daria?"
"NOBODY CALLS ME TIMID!" Daria screamed, pulling a knife out of her pocket and charging at jane...
...failing to notice the large garden rock Jane had left behind prior, tripping over it, and falling over a
nearby ledge, rolling down a hill towards a small neighborhood.
"ACH, OOO, UGH, ACK, MY LEG, MY EYES, MY FACE, OUCH, OOCH, AHH...ugh...where am I?"
Reg walked up to Jane, who was staring at Daria in shock and awe. "Wow...you really messed up that timid
chick, didn't you?"
"I...I did?" Jane said, still in a state of shock, concerned for her friends health(in more ways then one)
"I can't believe I'm saying this...but...come on in. Welcome to The Salted Wound!"
"Wait...I made it...I MADE IT! WOOHOO, YEAH MOFOS, JANE IS IN. YEAH!" Jane screamed, all concern for
Daria vanishing as her multiday quest reached its zenith. Jane sprinted in the door, seeing all the booze, and
the lights, and the smoke, and, and...failing to see the wet floor sign.
When Jane came to, all she could see was a white roof. She was in an ambulance.
"Ugh, what happened?"
"You appear to have taken quite a fall. According to one Andrea you slipped on a wet floor and hit your head
preeettty hard. Are you feeling okay?"
"Ugh...my head...hahah...least I showed those geeks...I'm Jane...Lane...ugh..."
"Geeks, huh? Hmm... :) ..well, since your technically a minor, and we reeeaaally should get you to a
hospital quickly, we'll be taking you to the closest hospital availible, riiiight over there."
Jane looked out the window, her arms weak.
"FUZZY WUZZY CHILDRENS HOSPITAL FOR FUZZY WUZZY WITTLE KIDS?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"