···
Love is a ticking clock that laughs, and leads us to believe we are one
It sucks, that whole "unrequited love" thing. But it's pretty much the story of my life. I guess you can say it's the whole chicken and egg thing- which came first, boys not liking me or me pushing them away? I hat self-analyzing myself because it just brings up all these problems I have with myself. I hate clichés but they're never wrong. Example, Ignorance is Bliss. So I'd rather not know myself, so I can keep living a semi-happy life. Yeah.
···
It's a sick game, the winner takes its prize, the loser's left to slowly die
It was the nub that brought up the whole self-analyzing thing. He kept saying I didn't know myself, all that Death of A Salesman bullcrap. Trust me, I wanted to say. With all the indie music I listen to, I know myself plenty.
"Oh, please, I know myself better than you ever will," I said, taking out a flask from underneath Carly's couch. How nobody had found it yet was besides me. It had become a habit to drink in front of Freddie and Carly. Freddie just made less of a fuss and it hurt more.
He chuckled and took the flask out of my hands before I could drink any. He stood up and threw it out the window. I sat there, my shock concealed by a bored expression.
"I don't doubt that," he replied. Carly walked in before I could punch him for throwing away my drink and it was PDA galore. My stomach twisted, twirled and basically krumped inside my body. Carly pulled apart from Freddie for a second to smile and greet me. I grimaced; boy did I need that flask now.
"Hey Carls, look, I'd stick around but there's some ham at home that has my name on it," I lied to quickly evacuate. Hopefully I'd be able to find that flask and it'd still be intact.
"Wait, Sam, you don't seem to hang out with us a lot. Stay. We can all do something—"She paused to giggle as Freddie gave her small kisses on her neck. I closed my eyes to stop myself from wishing that was me. I shook my head.
"Just let her go if she wants to, Carly," Freddie murmured against her neck. My eyes snapped open, the tears ready.
"I'm sorry Cupcake, being around this nub," and you hurts too much. "Makes me want to throw up sometimes. I'll see you guys tomorrow." Carly shrugged already distracted by Freddie. I closed the door behind me and took three deep breaths before I burst into tears. So what if he didn't want me around? What did I care? I didn't. I opened my eyes to see Spencer standing in front of me.
"Don't say anything," I said, trying to be forceful but sounding pathetic. He nodded, stepping forward to hug me. Carly was lucky. She had Freddie, she had Spencer. I had her leftovers.
I pushed Spencer away in my attempt to be tough and ran away. Forget the flask; I needed bigger and better things.
···
I can't take much more, I'm leaving, for another place where no one knows me
Here I'll start it over, I will find a way to piece myself together, Oh, for you and me
And this has to be, the dark side of love
You know that saying, "I have butterflies in my stomach"? Today, I had monster trucks. I opened the door to see the dork waiting by the stairs in his suit and gown, looking up. Leave it to Carly to make a fuss of what she looked like even though, she'll be covered by the hideous blue cap and gown. He turned to me, checking me out. His eyes widened and his mouth made a popping noise as his jaw dropped. I looked down self-consciously at my knee-length red spaghetti strapped dress for a nanosecond. I smiled at him and he smiled, surprised I hadn't beaten him up for looking at me like I usually did. I really was too nervous to move.
"Wow, Sam, you look…" I rolled my eyes, not wanting to go through this.
"Let's pretend we already did this," Freddie nodded, still smiling and looking at me in a way that made me want to punch him because I knew he wouldn't look at me like that again. I walked past him to the kitchen to get a low-fat cream soda. As I popped off the cap, I noticed Freddie walking over to me, dramatically slow. I rolled my eyes again but ignored it. "What do you want Frederly?"
He shook his head. "Nothing." I hopped onto the table and drank my soda. He stood in front of me, watching me with a smile on his face.
"If you don't stop smiling at me, you won't be able to have kids," I threatened. He turned slightly so that he was smiling past me. I smacked him, making a loud noise. "Smart ass." He has a huge red mark where I had smacked him. I laughed, spitting out the soda at him. It got onto his shirt and he cursed. Freddie rarely cursed so I felt bad. But then he glared at me and I had to keep up my "tough girl" act.
"Really Puckett? I look like I'm wearing a dirty suit and my mom is gonna freak out!" he yelled. I shrugged.
"And I care why? Your mom freaks out if you don't take your freakin' tick baths, how is this any different?"
"I haven't taken a tick bath in years," I raised my eyebrows at him. "Ok, a few months but still! At least my mom cares about me," he replied, his eyes widening after he said that. I put my soda down, caught his shoulders before he could run away, and pulled him by his collar to me. I tried to ignore how close we were and focused on how pissed I was.
"Say that again," I muttered, staring straight into his eyes. He didn't say anything, he didn't breathe. I pushed him away when my eyes began to soften and walked into Spencer's room. "Take off your shirt!" I yelled from the room. I searched Spencer's room for a dress shirt.
"Um, I don't want to be raped, Sam!" he responded.
"Just do it!" I found a shirt, cursing myself for being so nice. It was always those eyes. I walked back into the kitchen triumphantly, hesitating when I saw Freddie shirtless. He didn't have the hottest body (or so I tried to tell myself,) but he had filled out. And those biceps…
I handed him the shirt and he smirked, flexing his arms. "Like what you see?" he teased. I gave him the finger and walked past him to sit back on the table. Carly really was taking too long. By the time I turned back to him, the shirt was on.
"Had practice putting on clothes fast?" I said, hoping to make him blush. Only it had the opposite effect. He turned to me and snickered.
"You know it," he replied, winking at me. I blushed. I did know too much about their sex life. I drank my soda to stop the conversation. Freddie walked back in front of me, putting on his suit jacket and his gown.
"So…this is it, huh?" I said as I finished my soda. Freddie began staring at me again. "Ok, really Fredamame, you need to stop staring at me."
"Sorry, it's just…wow,"
"Wow, what?"
"You're nervous," I looked away from him. "You're gonna miss me, aren't you?" he asked, chuckling.
"I don't miss people, I miss the things they come with," I answered, making shit up off the top of my head. Freddie nodded, not believing a single word I said. "Like I will miss the money that I could take from your pocket. Like this $50," I pulled out the bills that I had stolen from Freddie. His eyes widened. "Yeah, be amazed."
"Try to deny it, you're gonna miss me, Puckett," his voice got lower as he stepped closer. My breath caught and I tried so hard to not look into his eyes. He put both of his hands on either side of me. He was definitely not an awkward little dork anymore; I hated and loved him for it-not that I loved him. "Just talk to me."
"I don't talk." I stared at him. He stared back at me, hoping that I would change my mind but I stayed stubborn. He sighed and backed away. I could breathe again.
"You know we haven't really talked since you…" He looked down and then back up at me. I knew what he was talking about. When I kissed him at the lock-in. Afterwards I had refused to talk about anything and convinced him I kissed him to shut him up. I nodded. I put on a smirk, wishing I had something to eat to distract me. Then I remembered I had stuffed some fat cakes into my bra. I pulled one out and watched Freddie laugh.
"Just be happy I did or else Carly would've never realized she liked you for real and you guys wouldn't be happy and blissed out like you guys are," I said, taking a bite.
"Yeah, blissed out," Freddie muttered, thinking I couldn't hear him.
"What, there can't be anything wrong with the Mrs. And Mrs. Carly Shay relationship?" Before Freddie could reply, Carly descended the stairs like the perfect princess she was. She had on a sea green strapless dress with a matching purse and green stilettos.
"You look so pretty, Carly," Freddie said, abandoning me and going to kiss her. She kissed him back. I felt the monster trucks do 30-foot jumps.
"I know," she giggled. She looked at me and gasped, breaking away from Freddie. "Oh my god, Sam you look so pretty. Why are boobs bulgy?"
"Fat cakes," Freddie answered from the background.
"O…kay, anyways, Sam, you look great but you'd look even better in blue. I mean, I was always so jealous of your eyes," Carly admitted. Sure, Carly. You have never been jealous of anything to do with me and I was always jealous of your everything.
"I can't have the same color dress as the gown. It'll look all match-y and weird." Carly rolled her eyes at me and pulled my arm. She started dragging me upstairs when Freddie stopped her.
"Carly, we don't have time for this; you took a good two hours. Graduation is in…" he checked his watch. "…an hour, 10 minutes, and 34 seconds. We were supposed to be there already. Sam looks fine." Carly looks so pretty and I look fine. I look fine. I look fine. I look fine.
"She needs to change her dress," Carly said through gritted teeth like it was absolutely necessary. "I will not have my friend looking less than beautiful." I looked less than beautiful? Sometimes Carly didn't understand me. Just because I was a tomboy, didn't mean I wanted people to think I was ugly or anything.
"Fine, but nothing strapless like what you're wearing," I said quietly, still upset by this conversation.
"But you can actually fill it out? Sam, it would be horrible to lose a chance—"
"To look like I'm twenty-something when I'm barely 18? No thanks. Something with straps or sleeves," I ordered. Carly sighed heavily and nodded as she continued to pull me up the stairs. I looked back at Freddie and he was looking at the floor, you know, in that thoughtful way. He looked kind of upset. I hated myself for wanting to comfort him.
···
So many nights have I been down, I've been thinking of you,
So many right, so many wrong, what have you done to me,
Where have you gone, my dear, where did you go?
The ceremony was over too fast. I didn't have enough time to look at the kids I hate, the teachers I hate. I did graduate (with a GPA of 3.5, I might add,) to the extremely loud exclamation of students and some of the teachers. I blushed as I walked on stage to get my diploma. I heard the cheers of Spencer, Carly, and Freddie. I smiled a little, did that thing with my tassel, and walked back to my seat.
Even though that went by in seconds, what happened next was paralyzing. We threw our caps up like every teen movie from the 80s. I threw mine not too high so I could remember which one was mine. I saw Freddie, a mile spread across his face, run up the little carpet they had outside. I smiled a little, thinking he was running up to me. He ran past me, not even looking at me, and picked up Carly, kissing her. My smile vaporized and I mentally punched myself. When he put her down, Crazy went over to hug Freddie, crying her eyes out and trying to fix his hair. Spencer had gone up to Carly with a surprise-her father was there! He was wearing his military uniform and looked all important. Carly squealed and started crying, she was so happy. She introduced him officially to Freddie, her boyfriend. I searched foolishly for my mother, knowing she wouldn't be here. Melanie had more important things to do. I pulled out my cell phone to call her.
"Hey Sam, look I can't talk right now," she answered the phone.
"But, Mel, I wanted to tell you—"
"I can't, Sam. I'm about to meet the cast of Gossip Girl! You know how hot Ed Westwick is!" she exclaimed over the phone.
"You mean that guy who's actually British and has a huge head?"I said sarcastically like I hadn't been forced to listen to her talk about "Chair" every time she came home.
"Sam, no need to be so mean. His forehead is no abnormal size! I have to go."
"Wait, Mel, I graduated. Today," I said in an excited tone.
"Oh my god, Sam. Really? That's totes awesome! Bye!" She hung up before I could say anything else. When I hung up, Carly was in front of me, Freddie's arm around her shoulders. That monster truck was back and he came with friends.
"Who was that?" she asked.
"Oh, Melanie. She's been calling me all day and I finally decided to answer," I lied, looking away momentarily so I could wipe away tears. Self-pity was for the weak and sentimental. Like Benson. I just had to keep repeating that.
"Cool. Can you believe it, you guys? We graduated! Freddie and I are staying on the west coast, you're staying here," she obviously didn't want to bring up my lack of after high school plans. "It's gonna be perfect and we can still keep doing iCarly." I nodded along with her as I dug inside my bra. Carly stopped talking and looked at me.
"Uh, Sam, I thought I told you no fat cakes in your bra!" she scolded.
"I know but while you weren't looking I put something even better than fat cakes," I took out a tiny bottle of vodka.
"Sam!" I opened it and drank the whole thing, loving how it burned my body. I shook my head and puckered my lips. Even though I'd had it many times, hard alcohol still got me.
"Don't we have a shindig to get to?" I referred to Gibby's after graduation party that he was holding at his house. Everyone had gotten an invitation and it was supposed to be the last good party before college.
"And then tomorrow, we're gonna have our sleepover at the iCarly studio," Carly said, successfully distracted.
"Ugh, I don't see why! You guys don't leave for weeks and I doubt you guys can sleep in the same room without touching each other. Plus, the less time I have to spend with this nub, the better," I replied. I had a huge smile on my face, happy that I could talk about Carly and Freddie like they were nothing.
"Don't worry Sam, I'll be off at college in a few weeks, getting a further education so I can get a good job, make lots of money, eat all the bacon I want," he added that just to piss me off. "And where will you be?"
"Doin' your mom," I whispered, winking at him. Freddie snorted.
"Sam! That was uncalled for!" Carly exclaimed.
"Right, because I only do things that are called for."
"She wouldn't be my blonde-headed demon if she did," Freddie commented affectionately. I blew him a kiss and walked in front of them, swinging my arms. I realized I'd forgotten something. I was free! Today was supposed to be a good day and I'd made it all complicated. Carly and Freddie were nothing at the moment. As we walked, I stopped at the deli to get all my favorites and a bottle of Jack Daniels with Freddie's fifty dollars.
"Sam, are you really gonna waste fifty dollars on all this crap?" Freddie asked, detaching himself from Carly as she went to the tabloids.
"It's not a waste if you enjoy it. You'd understand that," I informed him as I brought my things to the cashier.
"What do you mean?" He questioned, confused.
"Well, before there was Carly, there was your right hand…" I had gotten my blush from Freddie. I laughed at him along with the cashier. "Oh, I live for that," I said absentmindedly. Freddie continued to blush but he gave me that intense gaze again.
"Oh god, Edward Cullen, calm down. It's not a big deal; just don't tell Carly, we all know how innocent she is." I paid for my stuff and took the bag. We walked outside and got into Freddie's car. Party time.
···
Just let it take control, and drag you to the bottom now
Oh, It's a long way down on your own
So you must take a passenger along
I sat on the fire escape, sipping the last of my Jack Daniels. It was around 5:30 in the morning and the sun was beginning to peek above the horizon. I started to cry as I realized this was it. High school was over. I'm pushed into the real world. I undid my hair and let it all hang loose. It had been loose at graduation but I tied it up for Gibby's party.
Gibby's party had been nothing special. I'm sure everyone had a good time. I left after an hour once it was obvious that it was once again Freddie and Carly's make out time. There was good music, decent food, and tons of drinks. But I ended up on the fire escape. I ate my food, took the occasional drink, just stared at the sky. The stars were beautiful (you had to look really hard for them) and the moon was full, my luck. I'd always been fascinated with the sky. It was consistent if nothing else was. When this whole end of the world thing happens, I think the first change will be the sky, just because that's when you know that shit's about to happen. And for one thing the sky never broke your heart.
I saw Freddie out of the corner of my eye, climb through the window and sit down next to me. I didn't bother to wipe my eyes; I really didn't care at this point.
"Figured you be here when I found out you'd left," he said. I turned to him, glaring.
"And when did you? After Carly?"
"Before, actually. I don't know how long you had been gone though." I cried a little more after he spoke. "What's the matter, Sam? You gonna miss me?" He smiled, trying to make me feel better. It worked.
"You wish," I said, sticking out my tongue. I played with the empty bottle in my hands. There was a little sun glinting off of it.
"Why do you drink Sam?" he asked softly.
"Because I can. Because no one cares. Because this is what people expect of me," I replied.
"You don't have to do what people expect of you," he moved closer to me.
"Like you being with Carly?" It sounded bitter and I cringed, embarrassed.
"Can we not bring up Carly for a whole conversation?" he asked a little exasperated. I nodded, staring at him. He traced the tear stain on my cheek. "Why were you crying?" I sighed, hating that he thought I was just gonna open up now.
"I don't talk," I repeated from earlier today.
"I bet I could make you talk," he challenged. I looked at him, waiting, when he leaned in and kissed me. I was stunned but not enough that I didn't kiss back. I wrapped my arms around his neck and I felt his fingers in my hair. It was everything; everything was put into the kiss and everything was felt. It is only in these types of situations where I can afford to be cheesy.
I let the kiss go on too long, it should've never happened. I pushed Freddie away. We were both breathing heavier than before and he gave me that intense gaze again.
"You have Car—"
"Shh," he said. "I know, okay. I just feel…I feel like we didn't talk after the lock-in and I just did what was expected of me and—"
"No, you can't just say stuff like that Benson," I stood up, my voice rising. "Not after two years, after sex and pregnancy scares-yes plural. Not after all that's happened between the both of you. I won't be your 'what if.'" I wanted to finish that with a march out but I stumbled and leaned against the railing. I accidentally dropped the empty bottle and faintly heard it smash at the bottom. I giggled. "That wasn't supposed to happen." I looked back at Freddie. He looked so nervous and reached out his arms slowly to get me.
"Come on. I don't want you to go home like this. You can stay with me," he said as he pulled me towards him.
"Wait, but, the sunrise! I said goodbye, I can't not say hello, Freducini." He smiled at me. I went from serious drunk to silly, stupid, funny drunk quickly and vice versa.
"Ok, ok, just, sit with me," he said. He sat down with me in his lap and I leaned down to put my head on his shoulder. I sighed.
"I'm gonna miss you," I murmured, not wanting to admit it. I looked up to see Freddie smile.
"I'm gonna miss you, too."
I didn't actually see the sunrise. I fell asleep a few seconds after Freddie talked. All I know is I woke up in Carly's dress and underneath Galaxy Wars blankets.
···
I can't take no more, I'm leaving, for another place where you won't find me
Here I'll start it over, I will find a way to piece myself together
Oh, for you and me, and this has to be
The dark side of love
I knew this was wrong but I was doing it anyway. I watched Carly and Freddie sleep, hoping they wouldn't wake up. I packed my stuff into my overnight bag quietly. I had to leave. I wasn't going to do what people expected of me. I was going away-preferably to a big city. They would be upset that I didn't give a formal goodbye but I didn't want questions and reasons to stay. I needed to get away from Seattle. And them.
I hurriedly brushed my hair back into a ponytail and put on my socks. I heard someone move and I froze, my heart beating so fast. There was no sound so I continued. I would change from my pajamas (a tank top and short shorts) later. All that mattered was getting out before anyone woke up. I stood up, breathing out a sigh and picked up my bag. As I walked to the door I heard, "Sam?"
I turned around to see the nub, sitting up from the humongo air mattress we had been sharing. He rubbed his eyes as I cursed softly.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
"Bathroom." I prayed that his eyesight was horrible.
"With your bag?" Shit.
"Freddie, just go back to bed," I said.
"Not until you do." He got up and walked towards me. I tried to make a run for it and got as far as the bottom of the stairs when he caught up. "Sam, where are you going?"
"Away, ok? I'm leaving." I turned to go but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back.
"Leaving where? Carly's house?" he asked, already knowing that wasn't the answer.
"No. I'm leaving Seattle, I'm leaving Washington. Today."
"With what money?"
"I have some money of my own, you know, I just like spending others," I answered.
"Why?" His voice sounded so sad, I almost dropped my bag.
"Because I need to. Can we just leave it at that?"
"Sam, if this about that kiss—"
"It's not, Mr. Ego," I interrupted. "I just want something new. I wanna be somewhere new but I was staying because I thought people wanted me to stay."
"They do, we do…I do, Sam, please, don't," he responded. I broke away from his grasp and shook my head, backing away.
"Just tell Carly I said sorry, will you?" I walked out, closing the door softly. As I was waiting for the elevator, the front door opened and Freddie walked out. I rolled my eyes, annoyed. "Freddie, you're not making this any easier," I sighed. He walked up to me and kissed me. Again.
I didn't push him away as fast I should have. I'm a bad friend, we all knew that.
"What about me, Sam?" he wondered with tears in his eyes. "What do you have to say to me?" The elevator doors opened and I stepped inside.
"I hate you." I pressed the Lobby button and watched Freddie smirk at me.
"Hate you, too," he said.
I got a one-way ticket to JFK airport in NYC since Melanie was still there. She had gotten an apartment near Columbia, where she was going, and I had called her earlier to see if she minded if I roomed with her for a little while. She had actually been a little too excited for my liking but it was easier than trying to find my own apartment. I got many calls from Carly and two from Freddie. He left me a voice message I deleted without listening to. I realized I wanted to cut off from them completely. I threw out my phone at the airport and got a new one in Manhattan. I deleted all my "social-networking" accounts and deleted my email.
This was for the best. This was what I needed. At the moment.
···
So many nights have I been down, I've been thinking of you
So many right, so many wrong, I've been thinking of you
So many nights have I been down, I don't know what to do
So many right, so many wrong,
What have you done to me?
Where have you gone, my dear?
Where did you go?
A/N: So concludes my first fanfic ever! Please be harsh, I don't mind. I feel like Sam was a little OOC so please tell me if you thought she was too. This was supposed to be just a normal, angsty fanfic and I was listening to the song The Dark Side of Love by Birds of Tokyo. I decided to look up the lyrics and they went perfectly with the fanfic. Coincidence or magic? Anyways, this was also originally supposed to be a multi-chapter but it seems so right as a one-shot. Let me know if I should continue. XP