Hello friends! I am a long time fanfic reader and first time writer. Please feel free to leave any constructive feedback. Special thanks to 2 for the encouragement and feedback.
Jackson Avery tossed in his sleep and opened his green eyes when he went pull his wife closer to him all he discovered was a cold gray sheet. He turned to his clock and saw it was 4:17am and grimaced. Today was a new day; a day he was once excited for but now filled him with heartache.
He sat up in the bed when he heard a loud clanging from the kitchen and decided to get out of bed and see what was going on. He shuffled through the apartment with bare feet in his blue pajama pants and gray tee-shirt. He wasn't surprised to be greeted by citrusy scent of household disinfectant coming from the kitchen. Jackson see his wife still in her pajamas on her hands and knees aggressively scrubbing a cabinet in their kitchen.
April looked up from her work guiltily and asked, "Did I wake you?" He nodded his head no.
She returned to her cleaning as Jackson helped himself to a glass of orange juice and noticed the calendar posted on their fridge was still on the page stating May even though it has been June for a few days now. The reason the page hadn't been flipped was because of today the day their baby boy was due to arrive in the world. Baby Samuel who arrived and left the world far too soon.
"I still can't believe you blabbed about our baby to Stephanie of all people," the newly pregnant woman playfully scolded her husband as they walked into their apartment. Jackson shrugged awkwardly as he placed his keys on the hook by the front door. He didn't mean to tell anyone about the baby but he couldn't help himself when the family of his patient asked if he was a parent. "In my defense I didn't blab. I just answered the question honestly," Jackson explained.
"Well people will start figuring out sooner or later. Thank goodness scrubs have drawstring waists. I wasn't even able to button my jeans after my shift," April announces lifting up her royal blue shirt and showing her husband the top her jeans.
She walks to into the master bedroom and wonders if she put on her skinny jeans for the last time ever? Will she ever be able to get her pre-baby body back? She decides to push her neurotic thoughts out of her brain and changes into some much more comfortable sweatpants and one of Jackson's Boston Celtics t-shirts.
She returned to the dining room sitting at the table sorting their mail in neat piles while Jackson plated the Chinese takeout they got for dinner. The red head let out a squeal of delight when she discovered an oversized yellow envelope addressed to her.
"What is it? A coupon or a free sample," Jackson teased at his frugal wife.
She rolled her eyes as she opened the envelope, "No, it's our 2015 calendar! The baby will be here before we know it and I want to be as organized as possible for it." The trauma surgeon bit her bottom lip as flipped through the pages of the calendar even though she was only ten weeks into her pregnancy her mind started to compile a checklist of all of the things that needed to be done before the baby came. Doctors' appointments, ultrasounds, baby proofing their home, preparing a nursery, and countless other to add to her to do list while she continued to work.
April riffled though her bag as Jackson brought their plates to the dining room table. Jackson noticed the calendar was already turned to the page for June. When she found her green fine tipped sharpie and ignored her food and began busily filling in the square for June 4th with the words "BABY DUE DATE!" and little doodles of baby booties and a rattle. Jackson couldn't help but grin as he watched his wife anticipate their child's arrival.
"I hate to burst your bubble but you do know that only five percent of babies arrive on their actual due date?" Jackson asked.
April felt her heart swell with pride as she slid the calendar to the side a looked at her husband and gleefully, "You've been reading up on baby statistics?! I must have been rubbing off on you."
Jackson nervously runs his hand over his scalp and confesses, "You aren't the only one who wants to be prepared as possible for our baby. I didn't get the benefit of getting to practice on nieces and nephews like you did. I am kind of flying blind here."
It wasn't very often he let his guard down and he rarely opened up about his own father. April hoped the arrival of their child and being a father himself would heal some of the demons that were caused by his own father abandoning him when he was a child.
She circled the table to where Jackson was sitting sat on his lap and wrapped her arms around him and kissed his forehead and said, "There are so many things I am nervous about with this baby but I know we can figure everything out together..Me and you."
Jackson sat on the tile floor with his back against the fridge so he could be at eye level with April who was avoid his gaze and focusing the imaginary dust in the back of the cabinet. Jackson noted the dark circles under her eyes and knew she hadn't got any sleep that night. He grasped his wife's hand covered in pink rubber gloves and gave it a gentle tug and without any words she took off her gloves and climbed into his arms.
April sat in his arms without saying anything just leaning her head against Jackson's chest being comforted by the sound of his steady heartbeat and the feel of his hands rubbing her back. She found solace in these moments being wrapped in his warmth and breathing in his familiar scent.
The past few months have been filled with little wordless moments like this. The grief still too intense to put words to it. April's emotions had been all over the place. She threw herself into her work and sometimes felt she was beginning to heal and out of nowhere she would crack and breakdown in tears or explode in anger. Jackson remained a steady presence primarily concerned with his wife's well-being rather than his own.
Jackson kissed the top of his wife's head and she looked up at him with tears in her eyes. April confesses, "I don't know what to do today… I can't stop thinking of how this day should have been. We should be either fussing over him or waiting for him to become part of our family. Instead he is just gone. We did everything right! We attended every appointment, I took every prenatal vitamin, and we have nothing to show for it. I was so sure that everything was going to be okay and our baby would be fine and I was so wrong."
There was no logic to the hand they were dealt. They were two perfectly healthy adults with great family medical histories. The doctor was the ideal pregnant patient. Although Samuel wasn't exactly planned he was very much wanted. They were just victims of bad luck. Jackson took a shaky breath and swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat as he leaned into his wife and rested his forehead against hers. He closed his eyes desperate to think of anything to make this terrible day a little bearable for her.
He opened his eyes when an idea came to him. He tucked a lock of his wife's hair behind her ear and whispered, "Pack a bag, let's get out of here for a few days."
April looked at him confused as he stood up. Jackson reached for her hand and to help her off the floor. "Jackson, I really don't feel up to going anywhere or being around people today," April explained.
The trauma surgeon hated the feeling of being so vulnerable. Her emotions were so raw. Her hazel eyes were bloodshot and her face was so puffy from crying. She knew if she had to deal with a well-intentioned person asking if she was okay she would fall apart and they would look at her like she was insane.
"You know we have the next few days off and my mother and Richard will probably want to stop by today. You're the only person I want to be with today," the plastic surgeon confessed.
April thought about her husband's logic. The only thing worse than a stranger thinking she was crazy was the looks of pity she was going to get from her mother-in-law and Richard Webber.
April sighed in defeat and Jackson pulled her toward their bedroom and took out their bags and began to pack.
They load into Jackson's black SUV and made it to the interstate before the sun began to rise. Jackson remembered a thirteen-hour road trip about a year before.
They had been on the road for about ten hours and he looked over at his best friend and fiancé; sleeping in her white wedding gown in the seat next to him.
Jackson smiled to himself imagining what Mark Sloan would be saying right now. Jackson liked to think Mark would be insanely proud although he would have been furious not to be included in their elopement. Mark probably would have hijacked April's wedding plans and want to nix the corny "Mint to Be" mint party favors and compromise on the butterflies.
April woke up from her nap in the passenger's seat and was relieved to see Jackson smiling dreamily as he drove. Part of her was scared it had all been a dream. That today would be her wedding day to Matthew. She took in Jackson's relaxed face and knew they weren't making a mistake. Something that feels so good can't be bad.
She looks at that smile and wonder what is going through that brain of his. Is he picturing their future together? Lazy Sunday's sleeping in late in bed waking up to do the New York Times crossword puzzle, Thanksgiving dinners with their families and closest friends, finding their dream house and making it a home, and having children.
Maybe he is thinking of tonight; their wedding night. She gets warm and tingly feeling all over imagining making love to him. Committed as husband and wife and not having to deal with the ambiguity the suffered through before. To give him everything without regrets. Her daydreams combined with the memories of their previous sexual encounters made her heart race and she was certain if he glanced over her normally pale skin would be flushed.
"What are you thinking about?" April asks biting her lip and looking at Jackson through her lashes unable to resist not knowing what was going through his brain for a moment longer.
Jackson glances over at his bride to be and answers, "Mark Sloan."
He laughs when she gives him the same look as she did the night before when he suggested never talking to their families or friends again.
"Let me explain," he continues. "Before Mark died he made me promise him if I ever loved someone I would tell them. Even if I was scared, or it caused problems, or burned my whole life to the ground. He wanted me to say it loud and go from there. As many people who are probably pissed at me and my timing I know he would have had my back all the way."
April imagined Mark Sloan being up in heaven beaming with pride because his protégé is still following his advice.
Jackson pulled into the parking lot of quaint inn on the Oregon coast. The tourist season hadn't started yet since school was still in session locally and it was midweek so they got the privacy they craved.
Jackson stood on the balcony of their room and noted weather seemed to fit both their moods. The sky was gray and the waves were angrily crashing against the shore. April stood behind him and wrapped her arms around his torso and asked, "Do you want to take a walk on the beach before it rains?"
He smiles because she took the thought out of his head, "That sounds like a great idea."
April dashed back into the room and Jackson admired how beautiful his wife was wearing no makeup, hair up in a bun, wearing a pair of blue jeans, and simple white long sleeved shirt as she slipped on one of Jackson's gray hoodies that she claimed as her own.
After strolling on the beach for a while hand and hand April stopped and asked Jackson to sit with her on the beach.
"So there is something I wanted to talk to you about," April nervously confesses as she wringed her hands together. She took a deep breath and filled her lungs with the salty air in an attempt to collect her composure and continued, "Dr. Hunt is getting ready to do a tour in middle east and I am thinking about joining him."
Jackson's green eyes widened in shock. He shook his head sure he heard incorrectly, "What?!"
He stands up and begins pacing in the sand as his wife explains, "It would only be for like three months, they really need trauma surgeon's over there, and it would be a good learning experience for me and-"
Jackson cuts off his wife, "Babe, where is this coming from?"
April motions to the spot in the sand for him to sit down again and admits, "Since losing Samuel I have felt like I have been in this fog and the only time I feel any sort of clarity is when I am working. When I was pregnant I felt like God gave me a purpose and then Samuel was ripped away and now I just feel so empty."
Jackson takes hold of his wife's left hand and caresses her wedding band. "April, I know I feel the exact same way. I can't even walk by the childcare center at work without thinking I could have been ducking in there between consults and meetings to be with our son. I need you to get through this." Jackson confesses with tears forming in his eyes.
Upon her husband's declaration April felt as though she punched in the stomach. She thought he had been dealing with the loss in his own way. She thought going overseas would give him a well needed break from the emotional rollercoaster she was on. She never imagined that he would need her for strength as much as she needed him.
"I'm so sorry, I have been so wrapped up in myself. I assumed you were at peace with everything and I have been dragging you down," April explains as she wiped his tear stained cheeks with the sleeve of her hoodie.
"Don't be, I should have been honest with you about what I needed. Just stay… We can work through this together…Me and you," Jackson promised.
As angry as April was at God today she knew in that moment that she could run away from the one gift God gave her and let her keep, her husband, her soulmate, her best friend, Jackson.