Ok! Random one shot coming up! This just would not leave my head, so I had to get it out! Once I started writing I couldnt stop! Hopefully it will all make sense!
Not gunna say too much about it, just that its obv post 'Self-fulfilling Prophecy', filling in some of the gap before Strauss returns soon (totally cannot flipping wait btw) since she did get a mention from Hotch a few eps back I'm hoping they give her a decent return and not just a hey look its Strauss, randomly popping up!
Anyhooo enough from me...have a read...
Let Go and Hold on.
She sat on the edge of the bed, her fingertips digging into the soft cloth of the bedspread as she clutched it with everything she had.
Her gaze was fixed on the cabinet ahead of her. Every hotel room had a mini bar. Every hotel room disguised it as just another cabinet in the fixture.
She knew though, she knew exactly what it was. It was her own personal unsub. She had to fight it and face it every god damn day.
This particular mini bar held nothing but cookies, nuts and candy. She knew that. But still it shook her. It roused the feelings she fought every single day.
He'd cleared it out before she arrived. He always did.
Still her gaze was fixed to it. Unblinking.
Some days it was almost laughable, how just a liquid could reduce the great Erin Strauss to a wreck, a shell of who she was. Other days it seemed like an overwhelming giant, holding her within its shadow like a prisoner.
A day hadnt gone by when she hadnt thought about it, whether that particular day had been a tough one or another personal victory it didnt matter, it was still there, in the back of her mind.
Today was a tough day. Today was a day she would otherwise have reduced to a vodka bottle. If this had happened before rehab it would certainly have ended in a glass.
When she'd signed her name by the little crosses on the divorce papers she'd felt so hollow. Twenty years of marriage gone just like that. Six minutes it took. Six minutes to read and sign the divorce agreement. Six minutes.
She'd called him almost immediately. The very second her pen had left the paper she'd begun her battle.
Her mouth had gone dry, her hands had started to shake, her head began to pound. Just sitting here now her head was pounding again. Just thinking about it.
She could feel him stood behind her, leant against the doorframe of the ensuite. She'd give him this much, he had good taste in hotel rooms. If she could think of anything else right now it would certainly be the expense he'd laid down for her. Just as he always did.
She wouldnt have gotten this far without him. Thirty-four days out of rehab and she owed almost every victory in part to him. The first day was the hardest, standing alone in her home, no trained staff to help the withdrawel, just a therapist on the end of the phone.
But there he'd been, on her doorstep with italian food and the finest non-alcoholic champagne she'd ever tasted. He'd said they had to celebrate, and since real champagne was out of the question, he would show her that the non-alcohol goods were even better. All the best taste and no hangover.
She'd smiled at that. For the first time in 70 days of rehab she'd actually smiled.
It was those moments that she clung to every time she faltered. Every time her craving assaulted her she would cling to the thought of that man. And everything he did for her every single day.
Lowering her gaze she unballed her right hand, there they sat, in the palm of her hand. The shackles of her marriage in metal form. They looked so dull all of a sudden. The gold diminished from twenty years of wear. It wasnt just that. It was the memories they held. Some of them were good. She'd always be grateful for her three children, they were born from that marriage and that much she would never regret.
Yet everytime she looked at these rings, her head swam with pain, hurt and even hatred. Most of the time she blamed herself. Her long work hours, her need to always be on top of her career, a need that she had put before her family on countless occassions.
She hadnt been there. She hadnt been there for her husband as she should have been. Over the years the metaphorical distance had just taken its toll. The love dwindled away until it just wasnt there anymore.
That didnt mean she didnt love her children. They were the only thing she'd ever done right in her whole life. She hadnt been a bad mother. Maybe she could have been there a little more. She was there for everything important, birthdays, doctor's appointments, parent/teacher meetings. Maybe she could have made a few more school plays, sports days, even just been home before they went to bed each night.
A smile crossed her lips as she looked up from the metal in her hands. Her children. They were perfect. To her anyway. To anyone else they would have their faults just like every human did. But not to their mother. She loved them unconditionally just like a mother should, and every time she felt herself slipping, everytime she looked at a glass and saw vodka she'd think of them and how much she wanted to make them proud of her just as much as she was proud of them.
The day she went into rehab she promised herself she would never let them down again. To their credit they would let her try. All three had been supportive. True it had taken her youngest daughter a little time to get used to everything, typical fifteen year old, a little bit too much like her mother she hid from problems instead of facing them.
They'd face them together now.
Her thoughts were broken as the king size bed dipped beside her. Turning her head she looked him straight in the eye. Her great protector. Her own personal external strength.
Her own David Rossi.
His gaze dropped to her hand and hers followed.
Still they sat there, two little golden rings, the diamond in one of them just didnt seem as pretty anymore.
"What do you want to do with them?" He asked simply, watching as she inhaled and dropped her shoulders.
"Get rid of them." Her answer was honest. That was all she wanted right now. To be as far away from Micheal Strauss and everything he meant to her. He meant nothing. Not now. In truth he hadnt for a long time.
That was largely what turned her to alcohol in the first place. Every night she would come home, sit across the room from him and feel nothing. Except perhaps the usual urge to slap him across the face. His affair right under her nose had pissed her off.
That had always seemed odd, even to her. She hadnt been upset by it, not heartbroken by her own husband's affair. She was just angry. Maybe at herself more than him. Her life outside of Quantico had become nothing.
"How?"
David's question brought her back to the room. How to get rid of these chains? That was the dilemma.
She could just smash them but that wouldnt work, damn them for being stronger than that.
"I just want them gone." The whispered words were spoke with a sense of defeat. This made him sigh with her.
He hated to see her like this. But at the same time he wouldnt be anywhere else. He cared about this woman beside him. He had for a long time and they both knew it.
Thirty four days he had been by her side. They both knew it was more than a friendship they shared. Like an unspoken truth between them, they didnt need to say it. It was just there.
Sometimes she was so wound up that she'd almost pounce on him, let him relieve her stresses in the most primal way they knew.
Most of the time she just needed to be held, and that was fine by him.
Only once had she broken all their imposed protocol and come to his house. Usually she preferred this hotel. Neutral territory. She wasnt quite ready to commit to him, to let it become so personal that they shared their homes with each other.
One day she would, one day she would be strong enough to admit that she was in a relationship with this man. But not yet. She wasnt ready for it.
Tonight was just one of those times that she needed him beside her. Just to hold her in his arms and bring her down from the crazy heights her wayward emotions would take her.
"Come with me." He said. Getting to his feet her took hold of her right wrist. Not too tightly, he'd never hurt her, and pulled her with him.
Silently he led her out onto the small balcony that led off their suite. The cold night air hit her but she didnt mind.
The city lights below her were breathtaking. Just little blobs of gold and white light, in neat little patterns along the streets.
The fingertips of her left hand gripped the metal railing. As he stepped behind her, his body pressing against hers, she exhaled slowly. His left arm crept around her waist, holding her safe as he always did.
His right hand remained around her right wrist, his fingertips were soft against the skin of her hand as he slowly moved his hand over hers, clutching and yet teasing the golden rings in her palm.
"Let them go Erin." He whispered the words in her ear and she trembled against him.
Taking a deep breath she looked at them one last time, so small in her hand, unaware of just how much they held, how big they were symbolically.
Clenching her hand tightly around them she closed her eyes. Resting back against him for a moment she seemed to gather her strength. The small sting of the tears that threatened against her eyelids made her open them once again.
With his fingers still around her wrist David relaxed his arm, moving with her as she raised her hand. Moving her arm back a little she inhaled again, the strength suddenly overtook her and her arm took on her emotional endeavour.
With a speed and force to rival even the greatest bowler of the baseball leagues, her fingers released those two tiny rings into the night sky.
Lord knows where they went. It was too dark to see. She didnt care. She could believe that she'd thrown those cold hard pieces of metal half way across the earth.
It was the emotional toll that affected her.
The moment the metal left her hand she had crumbled. He supported her, both of his arms went around her waist as he held her against him. His lips dropped to kiss the skin just below her ear, it was his trademark, no one had ever kissed her there before and now she could associate it with him. It made her weaker but in an entirely good way, and she needed it right now to counteract the pain.
Her breathing had become ragged and uneven. He knew she was battling the tears but she didnt have to, not with him. Still she was glad he couldnt see her face.
Taking a deep breath she turned in his arms, thankful that the darkness hid her expression. She trusted him with her life but she still wasnt completely able to let him see all of her.
With her hands flat against his chest she curled up against him. His hands traced a calming pattern over her back as he held her.
The silence was long, but not uncomfortable. In fact it was calming. They didnt need words, they rarely did. They could read each other like an open book, sometimes it was useful, sometimes it was an unwanted gift on both sides.
Somehow they made it back inside the room, the light and the warmth was welcome to her. What she had just done had unleashed a whole realm of emotions.
Yet it had liberated her at the same time. As if she had finally closed the door on what had been her oppressive life for so long.
Finally she was free.
So many things were going around her mind right now. Once again she was sat on the bed. David sat in a chair opposite her, leant forward he watched her. He knew she had to do this, she had to allow all of her emotions free reign. How else would she be able to move on.
Freedom. Freedom to do what? There were so many things she could do now, for starters she was technically no longer having an affair with David Rossi. No, she still wasnt ready to be completely open on their relationship, it was still too raw.
She could be anything she wanted to be now. She wasnt sure what she wanted to be. It was the same question that had plagued her since the day she returned to work. Being in that office was part of her problem in the first place, and yet she couldnt give it up. She had to find that medium this time.
This time she had to find the balance, between her career and her children. In the past thirty four days she'd gotten to know things about her babies that she hadnt known before. Details she had previously deemed irrelevent, and now craved more of.
He would help her. Just like he had been doing. Just like he was right now.
Lifting her gaze to meet his she smiled. There was so much she wanted to say to him, so much she wanted to thank him for, but there was plenty of time for that.
Right now she was drained. She needed to sleep, she needed to rest. Emotionally drained was becoming a regular state of feeling these days. It would get better, easier, with time.
Reaching out her hand to his she pulled him from the chair. Wordlessly and without any hesitation they got ready for bed. David liked how she always, somehow, ended up wearing his shirt to bed.
He liked how it would smell like her the following day, he'd never tell her that he put off washing it after she'd worn it, sometimes it would sit on his bed for days until the scent of her perfume, her skin, would finally drift from it.
Here in the dark, in his arms, she breathed deeply. This was where she needed to be right now. He'd hold her while she slept, hold her through the dreams and the nightmares.
He'd always be here to hold her. Whenever she needed him.
Right now she needed him. She needed him to make her feel safe, like she wasnt alone.
Tomorrow she would wake up in his arms and it would be a new day. Filled with new battles and challenges but she could count him as a constant. Every second of every day, she had him. Tomorrow they would talk about today, how she felt, how she would move on from it.
They'd talk about everything and nothing and she'd smile, he always made her smile. Even when she was in the darkest place possible he'd pull her out, sometimes all it took was a smile.
As she lay there in the darkness, his fingertips tracing across her skin, she had to keep telling herself he was here, he was with her, he cared about her.
He wasnt going anywhere.
Hit that review button and let me know what you think! there could be more to this, perhaps a series of oneshots, I'll see where my muse takes me! so yeah...thoughts?
:)