Title: It Means Something
Author: Some1FoundMe
Summary: He knows without asking that she knows. She knows that something happened between he and Sarah and the fact that she knows makes him physically ill. Spoilers for "Heir to the Demon". Olicity.
Author's Note: I honestly hadn't planned to write a piece following the last episode because I truly have no idea where the writers are planning on taking the whole Sarah / Oliver thing. I do feel like this is going to have a serious effect on Oliver and Felicity's relationship though. So anyway, I'm not really sure how I feel about this but here it is.
It Means Something
He knows without asking that she knows. She knows that something happened between he and Sarah and the fact that she knows makes him physically ill. Not for the first time, he realizes that he's done something to disappoint her. He's hurt her unintentionally just as he knew that he eventually would.
She comes into the office two days after telling him about his mother and Malcolm Merlyn and she is not herself. Her hair is tied in a messy knot at the back of her head, a style he has never seen on her before, and she is dressed in plain black slacks and a grey blouse. The normal color that brightens her wardrobe and reflects her personality is missing. Her face is void of makeup which only serves to make her look younger and more beautiful but it is none of those things that really worries him. It is her fingernails. Her clean, bland fingernails. In all the time that he has known her, he has never seen them without polish. He knows immediately that this is bad.
When she is seated behind her desk, eyes focused on the computer monitors in front of her as she boots everything up for the day, he steps out of his office and crosses the room to stand near her.
"Good morning, Felicity."
She flinches. It is a small twitch but he sees it. An odd ache settles over him.
He casts a glance at Diggle who has just stepped into the office. The man looks between Felicity and him before discreetly removing himself from the room.
"I'm sorry."
The words are out of his mouth before he can really think them through. He isn't even certain what he's apologizing for. He doesn't owe Felicity anything. She isn't his girlfriend. He didn't cheat on her. But a part of him feels as if he did. He had assured her - in an effort to make her talk to him - that she wouldn't lose him. And he had meant what he'd said. He wasn't angry with her for telling him what he needed to know. He was angry at his mother for not having the courage to tell him herself, for keeping it from him for so long, but he couldn't be mad at Felicity. She hadn't done anything wrong. And the fact that she was willing to risk losing his friendship because she thought that he deserved to know the truth astounded him. He didn't have many people in his life like her.
She lifts her head, her eyes hard as she stares at him from behind her glasses.
"For what?" she asks.
He hesitates. This is the part that he fears. He doesn't want to admit that what happened with Sarah was a mistake because he isn't sure yet if it was. It may not have been the best decision that he's ever made but he doesn't think it qualifies as a mistake. And it doesn't really mean anything, at least it doesn't to him and it doesn't to Sarah. It was a moment of weakness, one in which they both needed the comfort that physical intimacy could provide, and they'd taken advantage of it. But after they had agreed that, while it had happened, it hadn't meant anything. And it wouldn't happen again. At least, he hopes that it won't.
It isn't that he doesn't care for Sarah. He does, greatly, but he can't be with her. He can't love her. She isn't the same person that he had known, the same girl that he'd had an affair with, that he'd boarded the Gambit with. She is a woman who has scars, scars and darkness just like him, and he knows that they aren't good for each other. They will only drag each other down. He knows that what he needsis someone who balances his darkness with light. Someone who can remind him that he is alive. That he isn't a monster or a murder. Someone who can make him feel human.
But as he watches Felicity watching him, waiting for him to say something, he realizes that his moment of weakness with Sarah may have destroyed something that he hadn't even realized that he needed.
"Sarah and I…" he clears his throat uncomfortably.
She sighs, turning away from him.
"Are adults," she finishes for him, "You can do whatever you'd like, Oliver. Or I guess I should say you can do whoever you'd like. At least she isn't Isabel."
He knows that what he's about to say is clichéd but he wants her to understand. He needs her to see that he wasn't trying to hurt her.
"It didn't mean anything."
Her shoulders tense and she stares blankly at her computers. Eventually, she lifts her hands to her face and scrubs them tiredly over her eyes.
"Sex always means something, Oliver, whether it meant something to you or to her, it means something to other people because your actions affect the people around you. How do you think Laurel is going to feel if she finds out that you and her sister, who she thought was dead for the last six years, are suddenly hooking up again? Not that I'm a huge supporter of Laurel Lance but even I think that it's a low blow to sleep with her sister. The same sister that you took out on your father's yacht because you were cheating on her."
She might as well have just kicked him in the groin. Or stabbed him with one of his own arrows. He honestly hadn't even considered how Laurel would feel. He'd been too worried wondering what the blonde in front of him would say when she found out.
"And okay, I sort of like Sarah, but is she officially part of the team now? Is she working with us now that she's been released from the League? Don't you think that the two of you sleeping together is going to make things a little… I don't know, awkward for me and Digg and Roy? You make these rash decisions and you never really consider how they affect the people around you, do you?" she has her face hidden in her hands and he thinks she may be crying.
He hears her voice break as she continues.
"You don't owe me an explanation, Oliver, but I – I don't really understand. You told me not too long ago that, because of the life that you lead, you can't be with someone that you really care about. Do you not care about Sarah? Was it just a one-time thing? Because you say stuff like that and you – you say things to me that make me think that maybe…"
He sees her shoulders tremble and then suddenly she is crying, her eyes carefully covered by her hands, muffled sobs echoing loudly in the office. For a moment he is frozen. This is not the first time that he has seen Felicity cry but this time it is solely his fault. He is the reason that she is broken. Before he can stop himself, he rounds the corner of her desk and turns her chair around before crouching down in front of her. He pulls her forward until she is carefully enveloped in his arms.
"I'm sorry," he whispers, "I know that I haven't made this easy for you. I know that it isn't fair. I should never have asked you to stay but I … I couldn't ask you to go."
He isn't sure what compels him to continue but he does. He suddenly needs her to know that his decision to keep her at arm's length isn't because he doesn't want her. He needs her to know that the reason that he keeps pushing her away is because he already cares about her too much and that it frightens him how much he needs her.
"I've pushed you away because I'm not ready, Felicity," he admits, "It isn't right for me to ask you to wait, to be patient with me, because I haven't given you any reason to think that I'm worth waiting for but –"
She retreats suddenly, breaking all contact with him as she rolls her chair as far away from him as she can. She doesn't get far.
Her eyes are red and he can see the tear tracks drying on her face. She looks at him with confusion and a flicker of hope in her eyes.
"Wait for what, Oliver? Wait for you to decide that you really don't need me? Or… or wait for you to realize that we would be happy?" she questions.
He reaches for her hands, thankful that she doesn't try to deny him that simple contact.
"The latter," he confesses, "Definitely the latter. I know that I have no right to ask but – but will you just give me time?"
For a long moment she doesn't respond. His heartbeat pounds loudly in his chest and he holds his breath. He really has no right to ask for her patience. She's already given him more than he deserves. But he cannot lose her over this. He cannot watch her break because of him, because of his mistakes.
He closes his eyes for just a moment as it finally breaks inside of him that yes, what happened with Sarah was a mistake. He knew as soon as she'd stepped into the foundry that he should send her away. That he should've told her to go home to her father. But he hadn't and that had been his first mistake.
When he meets Felicity's gaze a few seconds later, her expression hasn't changed.
"I won't wait around for you forever, Oliver Queen," she says finally, her voice full of the conviction that he's used to hearing from her, "I can't wait that long. But … But I will give you a little time. You have to promise me something, though."
He nods but doesn't speak.
She breaks eye contact, glancing past him to the door at his back. She doesn't look at him as she gives him her ultimatum.
"You have to promise me that this is the last time that you'll have to apologize to me," she begins, continuing before he has a chance to protest, "I mean specifically about this kind of mistake, Oliver. No more sleeping with woman just for the hell of it, okay? No more Sarah. Definitely no more Isabel. Just – Just try not to break my heart, okay? Because if you do, I won't be waiting for you. I'll be walking through the door and nothing that you say will be able to stop me."
He thinks about what it would be like if she were to go, what he would feel if she chose to walk away from him, and he knows that he wouldn't be able to bear it if she left. He wouldn't be able to do what he does without her. Because as much as he tries to pretend that he doesn't need anyone, he needs her.
Lifting a hand to the side of her face, he forces her to meet his gaze.
"I will do everything in my power to make you stay with me, Felicity," he says the words and they are a promise.
She gives a slight shake of her head and his hand falls away. She wipes at her eyes and cheeks, dashing away the evidence of her tears.
"Just don't hurt me, not again, that's all I ask."
He nods, standing, and straightens his suit jacket as a throat clears behind him. He glances over his shoulder to find that Digg has returned.
"Everything good here?" their friend asks.
He nods, "We're good."
Felicity, now facing her computers again, gives them a thumbs up over her shoulder. He can't help but smirk at the gesture. It is a sign, albeit a small one, that she is feeling better.
He sees the questions in John's eyes as they follow him across the room and he knows that they will have their own conversation later. Felicity was right. His actions, whether personal in nature or not, do effect their entire team. He cannot forget that John and Felicity are his friends, his partners, and they are a part of the team because he asked them to be. He owes it to both of them not to screw this up. More than that, he owes it to himself. He knows that without them, he would be lost. He cannot do what he does alone and now, more than ever, he knows that he doesn't want to.