Letter to Lavi on his 49th Birthday
Notes: Usual disclaimers apply, not for profit, for fun. Perhaps painful for anyone deigning to read this
I apologise in advance. Self indulgent fic is self indulgent.
Again I have used a song for inspiration. It's Sakurai Sho's solo from the Japonism DVD concert. Trans. from yarukizero over on LJ
BOLD is song part
Italics is the letter part. The rest in regular text is Kanda doing stuff, from his POV. This last piece is me diverging from canon. Because 20 years later ... I want them to be alive and happy ok I'm a sap at heart.
Also convention, is out the window, it's sort of stream of consciousness and between 4 an 7 in the morning - yes really...
Forgive me for everything basically.
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Rolling Days - or To Lavi on your 49th birthday
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Yurameku youna kaori chikadzuku me wo tojite mo, kimi to wakaru
When your wispy scent draws near even with my eye close, I know it's you
Yume o janaisa
It's not a dream
Kobororeru toiki wa takanari wo tsurete, kikoete iru ka?
The breath you let escape makes my heart race, can you hear it?
Tada you oto ga
The sound in the air
Kidzukeba Falling Down tomaranai omoide
Once I realise I'm Falling Down, I can't stop the memories
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Kanda is in Mater and he's come to see the ruins. It's a tourist spot now. No more hauntings. No more ghosts, not even of Alma - they are only there in his heart, they will forever be and it does not hurt to think about them. Maybe if he closes his eyes, he can smell the lotus that were never there, maybe if he closes his eyes he can see them as they walk away from him. He sees them sometimes in his sleep. In dreams. But here now for him it is just memories - no Innocence. Just dry empty air, ancient pillars and ruins of antiquity.
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Dear Lavi
So I thought I would write a letter. Two things … please don't die from laughing too much. What - I sent you a postcard from Africa, two years ago. Next I hope you can read my writing.
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Kizamareta toki no naka umare yuku daiya no youna, soko nishikanai kagayaki wo kimi no yubi ni
A diamond that's matured through the passing time, I want to put one on your finger with a shine
kazaru kara
like no other
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Kanda thinks about the friendship he has with the stupid rabbit. It's been a while. It is one of the brighter things in his life and it's the light that is a little blinding him anyway. It's grown a bit since they first met. The boys they were, even if he was a seasoned soldier and he an apprentice to a profession that took much.
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You idiotic rabbit. As you see I haven't learnt to use words properly still over the years. That's(This?) is your thing not mine. You laughed at me all the time. I damn well near killed you all the time too. Was that how we communicated? Man we were idiots.
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Dokomade mo fukai basho made futari ochite yukeru nara
If the two of us could fall into a place deeper than anywhere else
Nanimo mienai yami sae yasashiku tsutsumi komu kara
Then even in darkness where you cannot see anything I'll embrace you
Owari nante kowaikunai no saa
I'm not afraid of the end
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Kanda is back in his room for the evening. He is here only over a couple of days. Enough time to make his 'pilgrimage' for want of a better word. He sits on the edge of the bed, and thinks of long ago. He knew that coming here would trigger all those memories and it does, of course it does. It was a trip he had to make though. He would not make it again, he thinks. Those dark days are over. They were over a long time ago.
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I don't know who was the bigger idiot. Alright I will admit it, I could be a quite a big one sometimes. It drove me crazy how sane, how together you were, all the effing time. Irony for you, I didn't know that you were breaking too in your own way. You were that good.
But - we were all selfish in one way or another, with our crosses to bear and each of us thinking we had it bad but it was a collective. A group effort, no? When you disappeared, I wasn't even aware that you had. I'm truly sorry for that, that I didn't come to look for you, so intent was I, heh, my stupid single minded purpose again. Looking for the bloody Beansprout. But they're over now. Those days.
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Hajimari wa itsumo underground - moto hibikase
Beginnings start from underground - make it resound further
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He remembers the many places they went through, when they were Tiedoll's unit. The only person he cared to nag at. Kanda can admit now there is no one to listen to him, that he cared for the old man, almost as much as Tiedoll cared for all of them; himself, Daisya and Marie. All the sketches and paintings the old man did. Bookman Junior had found a collection of them in the General's belongings and had gifted them to Kanda. Bookman Junior had even taken the trouble to frame two of them, part of a collection in the museum. It was a nice gesture. It meant a lot to Kanda and he wonders if the redhead knows how much every little gesture he's made over the years mean.
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How goes things at the Museum? I've lost count, when did I start to travel, 15, 16 years is a long time - I bet you'd know the exact date, and probably can tell me what I was wearing too -… when I left to wander the world … I don't know … it's odd that you're the one who chose to stay and I am the one who wanders. Is it time to come home, or go back? Do I have a home anywhere … again the irony … you love irony. Always pointing it out. I don't really know what I'm saying. Do you think of those days.
I've been to places Marie and I went through before when Tiedoll was still with us. I remember nagging at him to hurry along all those times. I feel stupid now. That old man will been happy that I'm doing this now, yeah I did say stupid. The Beansprout will not disagree the fucker. (It's a personal letter I'm allowed to swear right?) - it's only to you after all. Who else is going to read it?
Me following Tiedoll all those years, with Marie and Daisya. It was the same for you and Bookman. I think it must have been lonely for you, just the two of you. At least even if they were annoying I had company. Daisya tried to get me to swim all the time. Once he tried to teach me to play football. We did play a few times. Marie just sat watching. With Tiedoll always sketching or painting. I'm sorry it was lonely for you.
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Ah hitotoki no karaku, moete mata hai ni naru
Ah a short moment of pleasure, burn up and turn to ashes
Owari nante nai hazu - aitaku (naru) mata haishaku
There shouldn't such things as the end - I want to see you and borrow you again
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Kanda has been travelling for some time now, and everywhere he goes, he sees red. He has an inkling of what is happening, but pride and denial can be strong (negative) motivators. If that made any sense at all. It would be autumn in Hokkaido where he'd hiked a mountain; and the reds, oranges so vivid and vibrant he lost himself in the moment when he faintly hears in his memory the shout of "Hi Ban! " The hair, the scarves, always red or some lurid orange - where did he even find them - the fire snake and it was all in his mind and gone as soon as he tried to clutch at the memory. Kanda thinks maybe he shouldn't stay away so long. Time to go back to England is what he thinks.
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In spite of the smiles you hid behind, you were sometimes more real than you thought you were. Ack, I don't even know if I'm making sense there. Words - not my thing, they're yours aren't they. You're the one with the pretty speeches and the fancy words. You are the one who noticed everything and tried to make things better, to make things lighter, to try to make ME. Better, laugh, anything. You tried so hard too, and I always beat you back. Because I wanted to, because I wanted to see how hard you would try. A part of me was always worried that you would stop, but you never did, and I would still try and beat you back. God I was a stubborn fool. How'd you even put up with me. I was wondering if it would be alright to come visit.
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Kaori dake tada you - omoi mada sama you
Just following your scent - my feelings are still wandering lost
Ah mou wanna know - mou yami no naka e nige you
Ah enough, wanna know - let's escape into the dark
Wazuka na hikari no tsuyosa wo mise you
And show how powerful even the smallest light can be
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Kanda really doesn't know how to say the things he wants to say, say the things he should say. Usually he just blunders through, because things are simpler that way. Kanda wants to say that maybe it was because of his Bookman training, that Lavi noticed everything about everyone. Because of that, he felt a lot more than he'd given himself credit for. Because of that, he probably had a heart as big as Lenalee, or even Allen for that matter, it was just that both the redhead and that stubborn old fool of a master of his were in denial the whole time. Lavi's teacher was as bad as Cross.
Whilst Allen was some kind of accidental martyr, or saviour or however the hell anyone would put it - Lavi had been as real as Kanda was with all that blundering. In spite of the supposed mask he put on for them all. Including Lavi, unable to see the light he was himself.
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You're a good Bookman, don't forget that. Whatever that old man said. He knew it and you know it. Did you make your peace with the old guy at the end of it all. Knowing you (and him actually - even if we didn't get along or see eye to eye on a few things and most of those to do with you) I think you will have and I'm glad. On that note … are you supposed to have picked an apprentice by now? Do you have one already. I guess twenty years is a long time (to stay away from someone - because of foolish idiotic things, that I have no idea of what I'm talking about) … and uh I know your name is probably something different by now, but I'm used to stupid rabbit or Lavi I guess so you'll just have to deal with that. Old dogs, new tricks … that shit.
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Mou hanare nakute iin desuyou, dakara … soba ni ite you
We don't ever have to be apart again … so please stay by me
Kegareta manma demo ii you, yume no naka made touhiko
Even tainted you're fine as you are, let's escape into our dreams
Itsumo genjitsu wa gou in de Rolling, rolling days
Reality is always too forceful, Rolling, rolling days
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No one reacted like Lavi did. Lavi would annoy him, then he'd curse and throw insults back and threaten death and Lavi would just laugh and say he was being mean. And Lavi wouldn't be wrong, he was mean, but that didn't matter to Lavi and that really was kind of refreshing. … and nice in an odd sort of way. God! Were they all so broken. Allen, Lenalee, himself, that normal did not mean anything. Reality did not mean anything. Yet they all stood by each other. Till the end. At the end, they all forgave each other. Friendships forged in a war of broken dreams and hopeless despair. They just carried on.
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Kanda remembers being told jokingly once that William Shakespeare was a Bookman, and all the secret histories were in his plays. All the wars, the references and the personages of importance.
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"Yuu," and Lavi's got that voice where Kanda is never sure if he's serious or not, and that happens a lot. Like he doesn't know enough. "Do you know that old Bill was a Bookman?"
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"Who is Old Bill and why should I care?" Kanda had asked in exasperation. They're on a mission somewhere in France.
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"Bill, Will, you know William Shakespeare who wrote them plays." Lavi had rolled his eyes like Kanda was stupid. Lavi confessed to him once that he's always felt inadequate and quite pathetic next to Kanda. But to Kanda the odd and grudging respect he had for Lavi, that the feeling was mutual. Of course he never would say anything of the sort - not at the time. He even appreciated that they were different and were proficient in very different areas. But Lavi was pigheaded and stubborn sometimes and liked to play hard-done-by, with as large an inferiority complex as Komui with his sister-complex. Kanda shakes his head in rabbit was just too idiotic for his own genius self.
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Kanda isn't sure what to think when he sees Mugen in a book, never mind that … he'd even seen it listed as part of the 'Founding Collection of Oriental Antiquities and Ethnography'. Lavi's hammer was part of that collection too, as well as many of the old Bookman manuscripts. He had to hand it to the redhead. He was pretty smart in how he would keep an eye on all the history amassed over centuries, as well as trying to train people to be Bookman. Kanda wonders if he has found a replacement yet.
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"I need to be able to keep an eye on all the record, I'll need to train someone up, I'll need to be as good a Bookman as Gramps was." Junior admitted to Kanda once that how good a Bookman his teacher was, he was still one man. They argued a lot it seems on how things were to proceed in the Bookman way of things when the Old Man passed the reins on to Lavi.
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I see you've started publishing books. To hide things in plain sight within innocuous material. Really? You're hiding the secret histories among your poetry? Very clever. No - I took a look on that one on Oriental cultures …. You put Mugen in it! What if someone comes along to the museum and helps himself to it? It better not happen because I will kill you, you - or is the trick you picked from the Science Divn all those years ago? Hide everything in plain sight? What about security? I saw that even your hammer is part of the exhibits under "Indo-persian 15 c. war hammer" … pretty cool even I must admit, but never cooler than Mugen of course.
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Kokoro tataku tabi ni hibana wo maki ageta, futari mitsumeta mama hikari no naka e
Everytime you stroke my heart sparks fly, while gazing at each other we'll go into the light
Kasanari au otouga rasen wo egaitetta toke ai nagara towa e
The overlapping sounds drew a spiral, as we melt together we'll go into eternity
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Kanda remembers how he hated it when the redhead called him Yuu. He knows it was because of Alma. Well part of the reason anyway, he simply could not stand it. He even made comparisons, which in essence was not fair to either of them. Not to the memory of Alma nor to the person that was there and then, in the flesh, Lavi. It was time to head back and say hello. It was time to go back where home might be.
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Kanda is glad for the happinesses that any of them could find after the war, their war. He can still hear Lavi berating him for how badly he treated Miranda. Always so short with her and impatient, and he can see now, that he probably didn't help with her anxiety at all. He recalls her trying to step in, as so many others did then, to break up his and Allen's disagreements. So petty they seem now they are in distant in memory. But he was angry, defiant and hurting at the time. With everyone and most of all he was angry with the Order.
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It's a little belated but I apologise, for I dunno everything. I left, with just a handshake and a quick goodbye and I pretended that everything was fine but I had to leave the Order, because we were, should have been done with it. And I distanced myself from everyone.
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So yeah … I uhh … can I come and stay. It wouldn't have to be for long, just till I get settled myself with something. It would be good to catch up I suppose.
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How are Marie and Miranda … they have two boys and a girl? If I recall the eldest is Daisya, the middle boy is Froi and the girl Anita. I hope they don't take too much after their namesakes because those two will have big headaches. Though I think it is nice that they named their children after the General and Daisya. What are they like? Are they tall and big like Marie or slender like Miranda is. I cannot imagine that they are loud, since both their parents are soft-spoken. I bet, although Marie does not play, the two boys will know about football. Daisya tried to teach me you know. I was not much good, at playing with him. I think I could have been better with him. We were close enough I thought at the time, I didn't have to play games with him as well. Did having children improve Miranda's skittishness? Her nervousness?
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I should come back really, as well, since I'm Daisya's godfather, what kind of example would I be setting the boy?
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I hear that Miranda works as a nurse in a hospital. How is she managing? Miranda as a nurse. … I can imagine she can still activate her Innocence to aid those in need to hang in there until proper medical care can get to them. I think of all the Exorcists to have been 'gifted' with a defensive one she is most suited to it and you were (are, and it's annoying how you always are) right to be kind to her and respectful of her. (It is odd that of all of us, she is the only one to have retained her Innocence - is it due to the nature of it being non-offensive one?) Does the Science Division carry out research, come to that IS there still a Science Division. I know you took on whoever wanted to stay and added them to the museum staff. That was good of you Lenalee must have been so relieved that you did that, that you and Komui worked together to bring this about.
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No one, ever, hears from Allen do they. He'll just turn up like a bad penny and then disappear again. I'm glad this time that I'm not tracking him. Least he doesn't look so odd now … his age finally caught up with his white hair. Stupid Beansprout. Has he ever visited? I don't even know if he knows that you run the museum.
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I went through China, since I thought I should pay Bak Chang, Komui and Lenalee a visit. The Asia Branch is now some kind of Pharmaceutical Co. Komui and Bak run it together … it is good that Lenalee is there to watch over them because god only knows what they would get up to if left unsupervised. I think being away from England is good for them. They may come to visit, so I thought I should warn you.
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Dokomade mo fukai basho made futari ochite yukeru nara
If the two of us could fall into a place deeper than anywhere else
Nanimo mienai yami sae yasashiku tsutsumi komu kara
Then even in darkness where you cannot see anything I'll embrace you
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When Kanda visited Bodrum, he didn't really know what to expect. He wandered the streets of souvernir stores, and food stops. He walked to the edge of the sea that Daisya had often told him about. Stood on the fine sand, looked out to the sea and up at the postcard blue sky. It still is as Daisya had said it was. Kanda doesn't know what Daisya would think , well actually he does. It would be boring, because yeah it does look like a place where nothing happened. Kanda had wandered once more down those avenues of shops. He knows which one it is because the shopkeeper's resemblance to his friend was uncanny. Maybe slightly more portly though.
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I also went to visit Bodrum, where Daisya family still lives. I thought I'd take a look at what it was that Daisya wanted to get away from. Its pretty if you're into that sort of thing. Beaches the blue, blue Aegean Sea on the doorstep. You'd love it, the ocean. But yes a sleepy town out of season. I went past the souvenir shop that his parents had, though now I think it is his brother that runs it. The resemblance was hard for me to take. I didn't let on though, I bought a couple of trinkets from them. I guess that sounds silly huh? It sounds silly to me.
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Owari nante kowaikunai no saa
I'm not afraid of the end
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Kanda dithers over the last few lines. He actually hopes that the letter will get there before he does because, it would make this effort wasted. He hates waste. It is dark outside already, and tomorrow he will make the journey back to England.
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I must be mellowing with age or getting soft in the head or something. Ahahaha … maybe I need you to annoy me. to ground me somehow. You always bring out … whatever it is that … I dunno .. I needed .. Oh .. yeah ignore that
Yours Sincerely
Yuu
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Hajimari wa itsumo underground - moto hibikase
Beginnings start from underground - make it resound further
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When he first came out of the vat, Alma's hand was the first hand he knew. He was foolish and stupid - he didn't know better of course, because how could he - but he batted that away, like he pushed aside so many. Time to reach out from beneath the ruins, head for home and make himself heard.
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ps - I went, I went to visit Mater by the way.
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FIN
Notes: I can say this now. Happy 49 birthday to me. If it is your birthday on th 17 of Sept, celebrate, it will be a good one. I started this challenge on the 31 July, so it was a fic a day for 49 days ... and I barely made it.
Also I've known my SO for 25 years, (and next year it will be 20 yrs of marriage, I dithered for quite a while, he just patiently waited because he knew. I was pretty stupid, also young-er.) Thus self indulgence is celebratory. After this long one learns that love alone doesn't won't cut it, it's a whole host of other things too. So I hope I showed that a bit up there!
Once again ... oh my everyone who's come to even just browse. Thank you so much for reading, encouraging giving me prompts and cheering me on. Amazing! I'm willing to put this out there (after much thought)
Much love, Happy Birthday, rainbows, unicorns and sparkles. - Zan Thank you all so much you're so loved.
By the way ... the idea of the personage whom I based on is Laurence Binyon (wiki him, ff doesn't allow links or somesuch) The birthday is the same and the time frame sort of fits if you squint. I think also Lavi would totally write poetry. ^_^ Like I said indulgent.
Also - if anyone wants to give me prompts ... I'm always open to suggestion. PM me.
THANK YOU EVERYONE!
Part 49 - the last - of the 49 Days series