I won't (UsUk songfic)

Well, maybe you're not right for me

Maybe it's just hard to see

I get lost in your beauty

Then I just start questioning

Every single time that Arthur looked at Alfred, his mind was once again sucked into a torrent of questions, emotions, and memories. When they were at world meetings, when they went out to drink after the meeting, or even when they just saw each other in passing. Every single time, Arthur's heart broke all over again, and he began questioning how he really felt.

'Cause when you took my heart you took it all

when you gave it back it fell apart so

After the revolution, Alfred had handed him his heart, shattered into a million pieces. After the revolution, Arthur had started drinking even more, simply because once he drank enough, the memories would fade, fade until he couldn't even remember why he was drinking in the first place but continued because he could vaguely remember that if he stopped, that aching hole in his chest would come back. That little colony had stolen his heart, and then grew into a nation to rival his own empire at the height of its glory right before his eyes. And it hurt, oh, it hurt.

I won't do what you told me

I won't do what you said, no

I'm not gonna stop feeling

I'm not gonna forget it

Alfred was the one that initiated the separation. At first, Arthur had thought that he was going through a rebellious stage, but soon realized that revolution was just around the corner. Alfred had broken them apart, and Alfred wanted them to stay apart. And that fact hurt Arthur more than anything, that this boy-just another colony, right?- had this much sway over his mind. He didn't mind the heartache when Alfred left, because it reminded him that Alfred was his, even if just for a little while. That Alfred was his first. But then he'd remember that Alfred was his own person now, and didn't need him anymore. And that's when the heartache turned into heartbreak.

I don't wanna start over

I don't wanna pretend that you are not my lover

That you're only my friend

Friend, I won't

Alfred had said it himself, maybe one of the few mature things Arthur had ever heard him say. "I think it's better if we don't get too close to each other." A sentence that had left Arthur alone, standing in the rain and the mud, crying bitterly as the one person he had ever truly surrendered- mind, heart, and soul- to stabbed a knife in his heart and twisted it when simply ignoring him didn't make him leave. But, Arthur mourned, why was it that the only mature things he said were all meant to hurt the one that raised him- the one that loved him? But Arthur had not lived through all his centuries to give up simply because a boy-nation decided that he didn't need someone looking over his shoulder. Maybe Arthur wouldn't have his feelings returned, but he wouldn't forget them. Nothing in the world would make him deny what happened, or how he felt.

You say it's easier to burn than to build

You say it's easier to hurt than to heal

But I say you lose when you give up what you love

And I've lived my life without you long enough so

Alfred had long ago decided that burning bridges was his way of going through hard times. He didn't want to have to try to mend relations; that took too much effort. He shouldn't have to care what others thought about him, they should care what he thought about them! It was just easier to hurt others-to hurt him-, then to ignore the pain that he caused them- the pain he caused him- than to try to help them. Sure, he was the hero; he'd help anyone in trouble, but if something happened in the past then surely he didn't have to care anymore? It was over and done with, there was no point fixing anything. But Arthur thought differently than Alfred, he didn't think that you lost when you had to admit that what you'd done had hurt other people, that you'd been wrong. He thought that you lost when you lost what you loved. Because, really, what point was a life with nothing to love? And Arthur had lived long enough without Alfred…

I won't do what you told me

I won't do what you said, no

I'm not gonna stop feeling

I'm not gonna forget it

So he wasn't going to give up now.