THE LORD OF THE-"What was it again, Sam?" "The Lord of the Rings, Mr Frodo!"
BiggerThanJK: Hey guys! This is my comedy version of The Lord of the Rings. Hope you like it. FlamingShadow doesn't like LOTR that much . . . she's more of an X-Men/Harry Potter fan . . .
FlamingShadow: Whoa, you have written a whole chapter by yourself ! I'm speechless.
DISCLAIMER
BTJK: Seeing as I'm the one writing this, I don't own Lord of the Rings. Can I just say that I don't promote swearing. It's scummy!
One ring to rule them all.
One ring to find them.
One ring to bring them-
"What crap are you reading, Elrond?" demanded the Elven Lord, Gil-Galad.
"Oh, The Lord-"
"Is it good?"
Elrond shrugged noncommittally. "It's OK. Got it from the library."
"Oh, right. Anyway you might want to dodge the blow coming towards you," Gil-Galad pointed out.
Elrond reacted quickly and dodged the blow coming towards him. He pushed the Orc to the ground and hit him over the head with his first edition copy of The Lord of the Rings.
"May I remind you, we're in the middle of a battle," added Gil-Galad.
"But it's gotta go back tomorrow," protested Elrond, pushing his long, black, girly hair from his sweaty brow. He pulled his sword out and shoved the battered book back inside his elegant robes, hacking the head off the next foolish Orc with surprising skill.
The battlefield echoed with the clash of weapons and screaming of Orcs breaking their nails in the slaughter. The huge fire-mountain towered high in the dark sky above the desperate armies. The Last Alliance of Men and Elves, fighting for freedom against –
Elrond glanced up, face ashen and dirty, but could not conceal his horror.
Elendil, King of Men, and his son, Isildur, gasped for breath, saw the dreaded Sauron march slowly towards them. He stood eight feet tall and was in a pink tutu for some unknown reason. He drew his massive mace back for the first harsh strike.
Shit, Elrond thought as the mace swung towards him. I'll never finish that book!
Sauron was so mighty, the lead row of soldiers were launched high into the air and the rest shitted themselves.
Foolishly, the brave Elendil rushed forward. As if he could do bugger all, thought Gil-Galad sarcastically before his brain splattered before his eyes.
Sauron's mace threw Elendil aside. The wounded man gasped in pain, his body hurtling into hard, cruel stone, and his hand released the Sword That Had Not Yet Been Broken. It clattered on the ground and the sound rang out coldly.
Isildur ran forward and crouched by his father in shock, trying to deny his inevitable death. He didn't want his father do die. A shadow passed over him.
Sauron.
Isildur swallowed, looked at the imposing, evil figure dressed in black wearing a horrible pink tutu that had killed his father. His fashion sense is crap, Isildur thought. Something caught his attention. His father's sword!
He reached forward urgently and clasped the hilt. Sauron stepped down hard even as he pulled it out from underneath, breaking the metal. The Sword was Broken.
But then, Isildur decided he'd had enough.
The One Ruling Ring gleamed tauntingly on Sauron's gloved hand. Isildur shrieked in pain and cut the fingers from Sauron without any hesitation. There was a metallic cry, and Sauron disintegrated, his power lost. His various body parts thumped into the earth, followed by his heavy helmet and tutu. Isildur couldn't believe what he had done.
He had destroyed Sauron.
But men are easily led, and foolishly Isildur kept the Ring. He wore it round his neck to advertise this fact, but he was ambushed by Orcs in the forest later on. He felt the hard slap of water on his face as he fell into the clammy river, and the stabbing pain of arrows in his back. The Ring sunk to the depths.
For two thousand years, the Ring was forgotten. Until the grey creature Gollum found it, and that was when his lifelong obsession with anything gold began. He was obsessed. There was never anyone more obsessed. He was obsessed with gold. It corrupted him completely. The Ring was hoarded in the Misty Mountains . . .
"My preciosssss . . ."
. . . For Gollum's fascination.
For another five hundred years the lunacy continued, until the Ring finally decided enough was enough, and promptly manoeuvred itself as far away from Gollum as it could, considering it had no legs or brain.
But is great plans were ruined.
A certain womanising fat hobbit called Bilbo Baggins happened to stumble across it with incredible confusion.
"What's this?" he stammered, cradling the tiny golden object. "A ring . . ."
Gandalf clapped his hands sarcastically in praise. "Well done."
So the Ring stayed in Bilbo's possession with some annoyance. I mean, what a twat! thought the Ring to itself. Of everyone, I had to be discovered by a short person with hairy feet and even less of a brain than I have, which is saying something, cos I don't even have a brain.
I will bide my time. I will return to Sauron. Sauron, my master. It's just a matter of when . . .
Please review. I would appreciate it. Thanks!