Pairings/Characters: Rukia, Renji, Hitsugaya, Matsumoto, Ikkaku, Yumichika.
Warnings: None, unless you count language.
AN: My first fic! Please treat me kindly. :D.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach so shut up.
How to Be Human in One Hour
"Before we depart for the living world," explained Kuchiki Rukia, sketch almost complete, "it would be best if I inform you of the things you might encounter there."
"That is not necessary, Kuchiki. I'm sure that all of us are capable of..." Hitsugaya stopped mid-sentence as he caught sight of Yumichika staring sparklingly into a mirror they passed. At the front of the group, Ikkaku spat on the ground and pushed an approaching shinigami out of the way. Hitsugaya bit his lip.
"Very well... Carry on."
When Rukia didn't say anything, Renji peered over her shoulder to look at what she was doing – struggling to color in the rabbit ... or whatever it was ... while walking at the same time.
He smacked himself on the forehead.
"For fuck's sake, Rukia. Just show them the damn thing."
"Shut up, Renji. How do you expect them to understand if I don't –"
"We have less than an hour until we leave, stupid!"
"Fine," hissed Rukia, giving Renji an if-it-weren't-for-the-circumstances-I'd-break-your-face sort of look. She rushed to the head of the group, and the others stopped walking.
"It is actually quite easy to be human, you know," she started, holding up the sketch book. "However, there are a few things that might give you a bit of trouble. One example is the 'juice box' here." She pointed. "The mechanics of it are quite complicated, so a bit of preparation would be prudent."
They all stared at the picture, and then at Rukia, and then back at the picture. Each had a different look on his or her face.
"I thought ya said it was a box."
"It is."
"...Where's the box part?"
A vein popped in Rukia's forehead. "This is the box part. This."
More staring.
"...Rukia-chan, I don't see the box." A look of intense concentration on her face, Matsumoto moved closer, as if Rukia were hiding the box behind her back.
Renji smacked himself again. "No, no, this" he pointed "is the box. It looks like a rabbit, but it's really a box."
Ikkaku thought for a moment, squinting at the picture, and hopelessly looked at Renji for guidance. "A rabbit is a rabbit no matter how ya look at it."
"That's a rabbit?" Yumichika tilted his head. "It doesn't look like a rabbit."
"It's a juice box!"
Hitsugaya gave up and pretended that the others weren't there.
Yumichika joined Matsumoto in her examination. "Perhaps the illustration isn't beautiful enough to correctly convey –"
"If you are all finished, I'd like to move on to something else, thank you," snapped Rukia, staring daggers at them. "Anyway, this over here is a straw. You are supposed to put your mouth on it. Humans use them to suck the liquid out of the juice box."
"My, my," sighed Yumichika exasperatedly, "humans are so vulgar and unsightly!"
"Wait a second, Kuchiki. I thought that was an ear."
Desperate not to abandon hope, Rukia turned to Ikkaku to patiently explain to him that the ear was a clever symbol for a straw and that it was very obvious and why don't any of them understand? "No, that is not an ear. It's a straw. They are usually small and thin and –"
"Rukia-chan, I don't think I want to put my mouth on a rabbit ear and suck the juice out of it."
Used to Rukia's illustrations, Renji decided to help – before Rukia could tie them down with duct tape and show them diagrams for the rest of their lives. Damn duct tape, he added as an afterthought. The last time she had used it...
Now, that had been an interesting evening.
"Matsumoto, it's like this. This is pretty simple. You take these two straw things and you put them in your mouth and you suck on them, I guess. They don't actually look... or taste... like rabbit ears. I think."
"Renji, why are you saying that there's two of them? I said that there's one straw per juice box, you fool!"
"Then explain to me why there's two fuckin' ears coming outta that box!"
"DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT DRAWING ONLY ONE EAR WOULD RUIN THE PICTURE?!"
"THE PICTURE WAS RUINED BEFORE YOU EVEN DREW IT, DUMBASS!"
The others grimaced as Renji's face became friendly with the dirt. Rukia, livid, turned to face them.
"Since none of you are as stupid as this ass here, I trust you've understood the juice box concept. It is time we moved on to manga."
END