Dear Damon,

So it's been a week since you… Since you died. I've spent most of it crying. Staring into space. Wondering what the hell happens now. Caroline has been freaking out because I don't feed much. She doesn't really understand that I have no desire to drink blood though. All it does is heighten everything I feel. And everything I feel right now is too painful to invite more in just for the sake of sustenance. So when she brings me blood I dump it down the drain and return to my perch on the window seat or my side of the bed (which happens to be yours). I don't think I've left my room at the lake house more than twice.

Until today.

I finally cracked this morning. I picked up my phone in a daze to call you, and I'd actually almost dialed the number, before I remembered that you wouldn't answer. I'm not sure what would've happened if I'd completed that call. If I'd sat there listening to it ring, hoping beyond hope that you'd pick up, but knowing that such a thing could never happen again.

I'm not that lucky. In fact I'm pretty sure I'm cursed.

Otherwise you would be here with me.

But you aren't. And I just can't wrap my mind around it. I can't accept that I'll never see you again. I can't believe that I'll never speak to you again, that I won't be able to tell you about my day and listen to your snarky commentary and your flirty innuendos and your not so subtle bits of wisdom.

So I've had to improvise. Because if I don't get all of this out, if I don't unload my thoughts and emotions on you as I've grown so accustomed too than I'm afraid of what I'll turn into. Of how I'll choose to cope in the absence of your unwavering strength and support.

You were always there for me. I wish I'd appreciated it more at the time.

I wish I'd understood how desperately I've come to rely on your presence, even if all you did was hold me or smirk at me or tuck my hair behind my ear. All of those things were more comforting to me than anything else ever could be. They were such simple methods of affection and distraction. And they always did the trick.

I'd give anything for them now. Yet all I have are the memories of when you did them in the past, during other times of unspeakable tragedy not unlike this.

Although this is worse. Much worse.

Worse than losing my parents or Jenna or Alaric or Jeremy or Bonnie. Worse than any loss I've ever experienced.

Because now I'm truly alone.

I know I'm not REALLY alone. I have Caroline. Jeremy. Stefan. Alaric. Tyler and Matt. I should be content with that.

But it isn't enough. It isn't what I need. There's only so much they can do.

I need you. I should've admitted that sooner. To you, to everyone. Maybe if I had, things would've turned out differently.

I need you Damon. And you're gone.

What am I supposed to do about that?

Sincerely Yours,

Elena