Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. All bow to Queen Rowling.
Note: I literally wrote this in a few hours after I watched the videos that inspired this fanfiction earlier. I just couldn't get this idea out of my mind, so I just randomly wrote. If it has any mistakes or completely misses the funny purpose, you now know why (sorry!).
Here's the link to one of the videos if you haven't watched them (IT'S BRILLIANT!): watch?v=lwnFE_NpMsE.
EXT. FORBIDDEN FOREST – NIGHT
VOICE OVER
Meet Harry Potter from J. K. Rowling's Harry Potter. He's about to take his own life. This fate could have been avoided if he had a sassy gay friend.
A MAN, HARRY POTTER, wearing a blue shirt, an overgrown jacket and dark washed jeans looks up from the stone he's been contemplatively staring at to see a familiar figure walking towards him.
SASSY GAY FRIEND
(fiercely)
"What are you doing? What, what, WHAT are you doing?"
HARRY
"Professor Dumbledore?"
SASSY GAY FRIEND
"I died, Harry. That fine piece of booty you call your godfather died. Merlin's pants, even your freaking owl died. In fact, by the end of this movie more than a hundred people will have died."
HARRY
"Why are you wearing a sparkly rainbow colored scarf?"
SASSY GAY FRIEND
"Look at your life, Harry. Look at your choices."
SASSY GAY FRIEND approaches HARRY, putting his hand on his shoulder and squeezing supportingly.
SASSY GAY FRIEND
(gently)
"Is this because you and Draco broke up after you accidentally tried to kill him in the bathroom? 'Cuz trust me, I've been there, but I didn't kill myself. I put the guy in Nurmengard."
HARRY
"What."
SASSY GAY FRIEND
"You know what I see when I look at you, Harry? Not a stupid bitch. Nope, I see a strong, smart, independent man. So you're gonna write a sad poem in your journal and move on."
HARRY
"What are you even talking about?"
SASSY GAY FRIEND
(mumbling)
"I'm starting to regret not calling you a stupid bitch."
HARRY
"Hmm, Professor? I'm not trying to kill myself because my heart is broken. There is literally no way to kill Voldemort while I'm alive. 'Neither can live while the other survives', remember?"
SASSY GAY FRIEND
"Oh."
HARRY
(nodding)
"Yeah, oh. Besides, Hermione read ahead and apparently I survive. So..."
SASSY GAY FRIEND
"..."
HARRY
"..."
SASSY GAY FRIEND
(rubbing his neck and awkwardly coughing)
"Right, so you obviously don't need this sassy gay friend's help. Got it all figured out, huh? Soooooooo... I'm just gonna check on Thorin, then, see if he's close to dying, damsel in distress and all that."
HARRY
"Okay?"
SASSY GAY FRIEND
(nodding)
"Yeah, okay, by the way, Harry? This is the best your hair has ever been."
HARRY
(perplexed; blinking quickly)
"Oh, thanks, I guess."
SASSY GAY FRIEND
"I'm just gonna go now."
HARRY
"That's probably for the best. Bye?"
SASSY GAY FRIEND disappeared before HARRY even finished his sentence. Rubbing his temples, he walked onward to the place where he knew Voldemort would be. Now was not the time to ponder on why his elder dead Headmaster appeared before him wrapped only in the strange scarf. Now was the time to be badass and go kill some bitches.
Note: I regret nothing.