Author's Notes: This is a very very long work-in-progress, to be posted in multiple parts; part 1 is complete, part 2 is half-done, the entire story is planned out from beginning to end. Cross-posted on AO3. The prologue has a mention of death, and I will try to warn of other possible problems as they appear :) Many thanks to alaskasmonsters, allthebees, and castielflowercrowns on tumblr for all their support!
When your eyes are red
And emptiness is all you know
With the darkness fed
I will be your scarecrow
- "Bleeding Out" - Imagine Dragons
January 19th, 2010
When Castiel hung up the phone, he had to take a few moments to allow the bad news to sink in. Dean's voice had been soft, the words too painful to drag out beyond the facts. And what could Castiel say to try and help him feel better? Their phone conversations have never exactly been lengthy, but there was still something perfunctory about it, something that stung at Castiel's brain.
He had told Dean he wasn't sure he could make it to the funeral. Classes had only started yesterday, and if he wants to graduate on time, he can't risk being dropped from any of them. It's only as he's seated on the couch, phone pressed to his lips, that he realizes how self-centered that line of thought is. Dean is in pain, disoriented, even if he couldn't bring himself to say so. How could Castiel choose books and teachers over his boyfriend's sorrow? And Mary had had an effect in Castiel's life as well, outside of his relationship with Dean. She was an inspiration, admirable in her faith and hope and determination. Castiel wouldn't be able to live with himself if he didn't make time to say farewell.
Cas sighs, reaching for his laptop. That news article about the earthquake in Haiti will have to wait until after he's purchased his plane tickets.
Balthazar waltzes through the front door just as Castiel is returning his phone to his ear. Cas waves a greeting, and Balthazar returns it with a curious expression just as the ringing stops.
"Cas?" Dean sounds so tired; Castiel closes his eyes.
"I want to be there, Dean."
A brief silence, followed by a sigh. "Cas, you got classes going on, I won't-"
"You're more important. You and Sam are so important, and your mother is important, and I want to be there." Again, silence is the response, but this time it goes on for just a little too long. "Dean?"
"Okay, Cas. If you insist." Dean sighs again. Castiel can almost see him, seated at that old wooden table in the dining room, or maybe on the blue couch by the bay window, rubbing at his face, running a hand through his hair. Castiel's heart feels heavy, an ache spreading up into his stomach and shoulders. How he wishes he could be with Dean right now, holding him and comforting him in his time of need.
"Listen," Dean continues, "I've got a lot going on with the funeral plans and… and people coming into town, so Bobby might have to go get you at the airport, if that's all right."
"That's fine," Castiel answers quickly. "Whatever works best for you."
"When are you coming, then?"
Castiel opens his eyes and turns them back to his laptop. "I could be in Portland by 3pm tomorrow."
"That soon?"
"Dean-"
"It's just, the funeral's not until Friday, if you have classes-"
"Dean," Cas tries again, "I'll be back in Sileas by dinnertime tomorrow. Do you want me to get a hotel?"
"No!" Dean answers. Cas glances up to see Balthazar still curiously watching him from the kitchen entryway. Frowning, Cas turns back to his laptop, finalizing the purchase of his plane tickets. "No, you can stay at our place, we've got the room."
"I just thought, with people coming into town-"
"You're the only one I want staying here, all right?" Dean sounds almost angry as he says it, but Castiel had expected nothing less. "There's a new Hampton just up the street, everybody else can stay there, or go to the fucking resort or what the fuck ever. I want you under my roof."
Castiel smiles at that, and leans back into the couch. "Then I'll see you tomorrow."
"Cas?"
"Dean?"
A crackle of static, then a soft, "Thanks."
Castiel closes his eyes again. "Good night, Dean," he whispers, hanging up before he can say something overly-emotional to a man who's already straining his breaking point. They've rarely needed to verbalize their affection, and Castiel is afraid that if he attempts to do so now, it will only push Dean away. Even over the phone, it's clear that Dean is barely holding himself together. Going back for the funeral is the right decision, Castiel is sure of it now.
"May I ask what the hell is going on?" Balthazar finally calls from the kitchen. He's cooking something; Cas can smell meat, and maybe cheese, as he stands and heads for the entryway. "It's the first week of classes and you're taking a last-minute trip to see your poor, neglected boyfriend, is that what I heard?"
Castiel leans his head against the wall and rolls his eyes. Balthazar has never quite gotten over 'losing' Castiel to Dean. Though he and Castiel have become close friends since high school, Balthazar can still be somewhat passive-aggressive at times. One would think he would've learned after Castiel punched him for referring to Dean as 'the poor man's Danny Zuco,' but apparently old wounds run deep. "Please, don't." Cas swallows. "His mother just died."
Balthazar turns, a single eyebrow raised. "Really? And it was unexpected?"
"Of course it was," Castiel answers, frowning. "She was hardly 45, if I remember correctly."
"Did he tell you what happened?"
He did, but Castiel has a feeling that Dean wouldn't appreciate him sharing the story with anyone. Dean had been especially angry when Castiel decided to room with Balthazar for their junior year. He hadn't particularly cared to listen when Castiel argued that he and Balthazar had spent plenty of time sharing living spaces in boarding school. All Dean knew was that Castiel and Balthazar had slept together a few times freshman year, and while he trusted Castiel, he would probably never trust Balthazar. "It was sudden. An accident. No one could have seen it coming."
"I'm sorry." Balthazar returns to his cooking, stirring something slowly. "I mean that. I can't imagine what that must be like."
Cas runs a hand over his face, a gesture he had picked up from Dean somewhere along the way. "I'll let him know." No, he won't - Dean wouldn't appreciate pity or sorrow at this point. Maybe in a few months, once he's had time to cope and settle and not have family breathing down his neck. But not now. "Could you drop me off at the airport in the morning."
"Certainly. Are you going to eat tonight?"
"Maybe after I pack. Save some for me?"
"Of course."
Castiel turns away, picking up his laptop and phone as he heads for his room. Packing won't take him that long; he knows the winter weather in Oregon by now, how unpredictable it can be. A thick jacket, a suit, a couple t-shirts… no big deal. He'll have to e-mail his professors before he leaves too. Hopefully they'll understand that this is an emergency, a situation he can't avoid. He's had a few of them before, and is pretty sure they like him enough to work with him.
Still, Castiel sets his laptop on his desk, and flops facedown on his bed. He just needs a moment to collect himself, to fit everything back together before he has to be strong for Dean and Sam.
How life changes so suddenly. One minute you're walking down a road and can clearly see your destination ahead, and the next minute something has fallen in your way and forced you to take an unknown route where you can't see the end and are unprepared for the journey. But you have to take it anyway, because it's the only path available.
Castiel wonders, briefly, if he should have known this already. Dean has been altering his future since they met. But it's hard to notice things like that when you're 15 going on 16, confused about everything from girls to grades, and unable to see a bigger picture than what you'll be doing this weekend. When you're a teenager and school is out and your family is driving you crazy, but there's moonlight and sand and an ocean stretching out as far as the eye can see.
And a scrawny, smiling boy picks you up, and his green-eyed brother takes you in, and whatever it was Castiel saw himself doing with his life before that moment, he never saw it the same way again.