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In Space with Oranges
"Another alpha-beta double shift completed. Romulans and Klingons were sent scurrying off the Enterprise. Shots were fired and blocked on both sides- a typical day under the command of Capt. James T. Kirk. Adrenaline, uncertainty and eventual victory with dubious adherence to protocol; it is a good thing Mr. Spock is a vegetarian, constipation would drive him to kill Kirk.
The younger members of the bridge crew, Lieutenants Sulu and Chekov, shuffled off to write their reports and relax."
.
.
.
PSYCH!: Here's what really went down.
Having been released from duty, the two officers headed to the botany labs Lieutenant Sulu has access to. Why, one may ask, do they go there? In a word: oranges- big, juicy orange colored…oranges…ahem.
Once inside the lab, Sulu and Chekov pulled stools over to the hydroponics garden where the experiment was underway. These two officers, known shipwide for their hooligan tendencies, were actually brilliant, if not a bit mad, scientists. Luckily, for the passing galaxies, they were easily distracted by more innocuous activities.
The orange project/experiment is the latest in their citrus crystal ventures. According to their reasoning, a successful experiment yielding sound product, would allow them to corner a considerable market seeking alternative starship energy source to the highly unstable dilithium crystals. Though these were formed with negligible amounts of dilithium for that extra oomph...
Formalities aside, let us return to the scheming scientists… But wait… what's this? The stools of the scientific duo are vacant and spinning lazily, and they are nowhere in sight.
Oh dear me! I shall return to narrate further on the puckish doings of our mischievous officers—once I locate them. 'Til then, hands off the citrus, and don't pocket the Russian candies… you've been warned. Adieu!
…
"Pssst! Hello? Readers from ? Like OMG, we thought that stuffy narrator would never leave! Anyhow, I am Hikaru Sulu"—
"And I am Pavel Chekov, you in ze back kin call me—oof! Sulu! Vhat vas zat vor?"
"Anyhow. Back on track..."
"Anyhow. Back on track…lalala lookit me I'm Hikaru Sulu helmsman to ze Enterprise…soooo special…"
"Stop it…you're embarrassing us! Look they are looking at us weird…smile dammit! It's time to dazzle 'em!"
"Da, but: I vill continue…"
"However stuffy, ze narrator vas correct! We have been vorking on replacing dilithium vith orange citrus crystals!"
"Yes… and the reason we are using oranges- "
"Vait! I vish to tell zem…ze reason ve are using ze orange frui—"
"That's redundant! They have eyes-"
"So's your face! Now let me finish please!...ze orange has been selected for its resistance to corrosion and vormation of unstable and highly dangerous bi-products. Zhere, now you may add whatever you wish."
"Needless to say, there has been no precedent for this sort of work-"
"And there won't be work done to establish… precedent."
"Chekov! Let me go and stop yelping into my ear!"
"Apologies! He scared me!"
"Another voice drifted in, (I, the narrator, have returned and am narrating myself into the story), their voice had become decidedly reedier and whiny as it sulked from next to the unyielding frame of the Vulcan. The narrator was wringing their hands as their narration drew a tolerant but frayed glance from the first officer. The narrator attempted to wheedle sympathy in their favor from the imposing figure, instead was silently ordered, along with the stowaway readers of fan-fiction, to move toward the shuttle bay and into the shuttle Galileo 7. Once inside, the stowaways, and the narrator—wait! Don't send me away Mr. Spock! How is anyone going to know what's happening!"
"Lieutenant Sulu? Lieutenant Chekov?"
"Yes?"
"Da?"
"Cast the shuttle adrift. And meet me in the Botany lab."
"Hello gentlemen, would either of you please tell me whether you know why the shuttle bay is missing a shuttle? Galileo 7...?"
"Captain Kirk, Lieutenants Sulu and Chekov were just explaining their project. As for the shuttle, we were not aware of any activity."
"Thank you Mr. Spock. Sulu, Chekov, please tell me what experiment you are working on that is so engrossing as to capture Mr. Spock's interest?"
"Well sir, oranges have quite wondrous properties…"
"Really very vondrous…especially for starships…"
-Five minutes later…
"Check mate Mr. Spock, perhaps you had too much orange juice?"
"Actually, another would not be amiss."
"I will take mine with a splash of bourbon— and after that most strange psych exam I have ever given mind you, Jim… oranges to run space ships! As though the damn transporter isn't trouble enough with power that 'works'!"
"I agree Bones. I heard you prescribed them physical exercises to help them cope constructively with their imagination…"
"Well, coupled with the idea of alternative energy and therapy, together: they are powering the lights in this room."
"Bones…that was genius!"
"Fascinating."