A/N: This one shot focuses on what could have happened between LP if Lucas never had time to have his moment of clarity during season 4's championship game and if Peyton had been so crushed by the events of the previous episode that she left before Lucas had found her. It is basically a different scenario for how things could have gone and is hopefully not quite as depressing as the title makes it sound. At the moment it is a one shot, but potentially it could become a full fic. Reviews are always appreciated and help me to improve my work. So feel free to leave one if you wish, they are always appreciated.
The Almost Suicide Note
Peyton sat by her desk with one lonely tear ready to detach itself from the eyelashes of her left eye. The tear dropped, landing on the paper and smudging into her latest artwork. Her hand moved frantically to add shade to what she'd drawn, something both sad and beautiful; it seemed the two different shades were never far apart in her life.
Taking a step back it took her a moment to fully realise what she had drawn, the sad girl in her room devastated by the lack of words Lucas could offer, staring out of bedroom window and seeing the championship game she had just arrived home from. Two contrasting moments that echoed the twists and turns of her life so far. One girl in the drawing was so sad, the other so proud of the boy she loved as he shot the ball and won the game. No matter what he did, or what he said Peyton would always love Lucas Scott and sometimes that knowledge was too much to bear as the scene of their last meeting alone played back in her head.
"I love you Lucas." She'd said tearfully, praying inside for the response she'd longed to hear. But he had failed to grasp what she had meant and simply responded.
"I love you too Peyton" In the way only a friend could say it, as she felt her heart begin to break. All that was left to do was lay it all on the line and hope against hope he would finally grasp what she had meant.
"You don't understand. I've been holding this in for a really long time... I just need you to know. -- I love you... I'm in love with you." All the words were there and were spilled from deep in her gut.
"Oh" was all Lucas could manage as they both just stood there in awkward silence. He looked touched, confused and shocked all at once, but failed to say anything else.
Those memories hurt as much, if not more than anything she had experienced so far. The loss of hope is something that's hard to lose and it was a hope that deep down had sustained her for a long time. The urge to hate her self for saying anything was strong and the urge to hate Lucas for being able to say nothing more than "oh" at times was even stronger. And yet as her painfully constructed drawing showed, she stood there at the game looking blissfully at him as he hit the winning shot, unable to be more proud of anyone than she was at that moment.
Seeing everyone celebrating became too much to bear and before she had to deal with some awkward encounter with Lucas, or any more hatred from Brooke, Peyton had gotten herself out of there and made her way home. Now she sat all alone with her drawing wondering what was left for her and deciding there was nothing. Peyton's forte was always drawing and artwork. Words and literary quotations were Lucas' thing, but today sat on her own in a dark room; the urge to get her thoughts out into something more directly tangible was overwhelming. Her hand drifted to the blank page on the right hand side of her sketchbook and seemingly started to write of its own accord.
Lucas had gone straight home from the game, unable to stand the thought of celebration or of doing anything that made him happy. Winning the game was one of the best moments in his life, but as he had scanned the gym looking for Peyton his heart had become crushed by the memory of that night and his inability to say anything but "oh". The thing that really made the best moments in life was the ability to share them with the ones you love and Peyton's absence brought home just how hurt she must have been.
The memory of that night, the last time they had spoke, it haunted him. Peyton deserved better, but he had not known what to say. It was all so sudden.
"I love you Lucas." She'd said in tears, it seemed heartfelt and was always amazing to hear, but he had taken it to mean what it had for the past two years, that Peyton loved him as a friend. Now it seemed stupid that the tears had not tipped him off.
"I love you too Peyton." He replied. It was all he had, still confused by the tears, but it was as if his brain would just not process what was happening.
"You don't understand. I've been holding this in for a really long time... I just need you to know. -- I love you... I'm in love with you." And there they were, all those words spilled out leaving his brain in meltdown. Peyton Sawyer, the girl he had loved since forever giving him the confession of love he had wanted for so long. But it seemed too late somehow, or like it couldn't be real. It was a moment he had not dared hope for, and for that reason had no response too. It left him in shock and like a Deer caught in the headlights.
"Oh" That one stupid word was all he could manage and now he hated himself for it.
Moments like that were not something Lucas Scott could allow himself to live with. They were not moments he wanted to be part of, but it seemed he was unable to stop them when words failed him. The truth, something he had worked hard to avoid, was that he was so hurt by Peyton the last time he had allowed his heart to go there that he had blocked those feelings since.
Since that night he had considered that moment and had allowed himself to feel that way again, a trial to see what was there. It only took moments for feelings to start flooding in and it had all left him so confused. It was all such a mess that he couldn't get a clear picture of what he wanted. But Peyton deserved better than what he had done, him not even speaking to her since that moment.
Lucas grabbed a jacket and headed for the door, it was time to go and see Peyton. He was sure that this time things would become clear if he could just see her again. He was sure that this time words would not fail him.
Peyton's hand finally stopped moving, stopped scribbling away at the page that was now filled with the note that perfectly described all the emotion of the artwork that accompanied it. One more tear dropped from her eyes onto the paper, a one to match the tear stained smudge on the other page. It was in a way befitting of the artwork and what it spelled for her. It was the final piece she would ever make her and it deserved a more personal touch.
Finally she read the note back to herself, feeling the good, the bad and all the emotional mess of the words she had wrote.
"To whoever finds this,
The girl in the picture is one devoid of hope, stood alone and afraid of what's to come. It's a sad thing to see the dream of one's love die so thoroughly and yet no matter what the response; the love was, for the longest time worth more than anything else in this life.
Moving on to another life is difficult to contemplate, but what is left when all the love, friendship and joy in life is gone? The girl I see in myself as I look more deeply could not even take solace in being proud of the one she loves. It brought me such joy to see Lucas hit that shot, the culmination of something I had felt part of these past years and yet moments later I felt crushed once again.
I hate my own selfishness that my joy could not last longer, everlasting for the one I loved, because I loved him and would love him the same no matter what he felt for me. The truth is that the love does last and that's what crushes me more than anything else. I want it to go away, so I don't feel that hurt, but I know if it does I'll only be crushed for the death of my own soul. It is only the joy that does not last as I feel the pain of my own feelings rebounding upon me.
Lately it has all become too much, the image of Brooke cheering jumps off the page and reminds me that I lost everything to pursue my own feelings. My love has cost me my best friend, I miss her so much and the end result of all my risks is to feel more hurt than ever. And yet without those risks I would have descended in a spiral to this point anyway. It all feels like such a lost cause.
All the darkness in the world, symbolised in the drawing by the dark tree looming outside my window only indicates the growth of every moment and wrong turn that I have made and the darkness life has given me. You think when you lose one mother you've hit rock bottom and when you lose your second you're sure, but then a stalker comes along to terrorise you and you lose your only hope of love and happiness. You know at that point that life is only a bottomless pit of pain and despair. It is a pit you long to escape from and realise that there is only one way that can be achieved.
I leave this place, in the knowledge that despite this darkness, I felt myself love and be loved at times by the people around me. I only regret that the despair crept up and stole my soul away. I say goodbye to this life and only hope the ones I love find the happiness here that I couldn't, as I say goodbye to this place forever. I only wish that those I love can find the happiness here that no longer exists for me.
-Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer"
Peyton finished reading the page back to herself, her cheeks now streaked in tears. Anger welled up in her for the fear she felt of these being her final moments in this house. She picked up the sketch book and threw it across the room, watching it bounce violently off the wall above her bed, cruelly landing open on the same pages as it crashed onto the mattress.
With that show of frustration out of the way, Peyton grabbed her jacket and headed for the door. There was only one place left to go now before she would end it all, a last memoriam to the moment that light had begun to shine on her life.
Lucas arrived at Peyton's door, full of hope as some of what he would say began to clear in his mind. His heart began to beat quickly as he approached the door, knowing that whatever happened now this moment would be pivotal in the rest of his life. He raised his hand to knock at the door, feeling his blood pulse through it as he knocked a little harder than he had wanted.
The sound echoed through the hall as the door came ajar. The shock brought a sudden air of fear to his heart. Thoughts echoed around his head 'Has Peyton's stalker returned?' 'Is she ok?' 'She has to be ok.'
The darkness of the hallway and the silence only inspired for fear as Lucas prepared himself to fight whatever could be lurking in the house. Edging around each door finding his way up the stairs to Peyton's room, Lucas finally got to his destination and found the room empty.
"Peyton" He called out, trying to see if anyone was home. The clear headedness that he had felt only moments earlier was fast disappearing in the current confusion. As his eyes scanned the room they found the open sketchbook on the bed. The drawing hit him instantly along with the smudges that could only mean tears.
The note got his attention more as it was not Peyton's usual method of expression. As his eyes drew across each line the sadness and despair began to well up more and more deeply within him. Peyton was doing the unthinkable and without knowing how he felt for her.
"No! No! You can't." He whispered to himself in terror. Every inch of confusion disappeared as he knew what he had to do, what he felt and knew now how stupid he had been about things all this time. Racking his brains he tried to figure out where she had gone. Everything in his mind was a mess again, with information and memories slipping through his fingers as thoughts of Peyton gone clouded his judgement.
Finally an answer came. It was a slim hope, but he had the only answer he could cling to and his only hope. Lucas only hoped if he rushed there now he would get there before it was too late.
The grass felt soft to sit on and the view was just as beautiful as the picture she had in her memory, this spot was one that would never disappear, no matter the devastation in the rest of her life. As she contemplated her next move she suddenly heard the rushed sounds of a speeding car and then skidding and the smell of burning rubber as it ground to a halt. Before she could look to see the car she heard the shouts.
"Peyton! Peyton! Where are you? Please Peyton don't do it." The voice was frantic as she saw him run past her in a blur before he stopped and came back, looking bewildered at the sight of her sat there.
Confusion was all she could feel now at seeing Lucas here and all the things he had said. "Lucas I…what are you doing here?" she stuttered, wondering how he had even found her here. This visit would not make what had to be done any easier.
Lucas approached quickly and grabbed hold of her tightly by her shoulders, almost hurting her as he struggled for breath.
"Peyton…Peyton I…I…Please don't do it. I love you and I always have. You can't leave me like this. I know I haven't been everything I could be for you, but if you kill yourself I'll never be able to go one without you."
His stuttering ragged breaths and the pure emotion of his words left her stunned, stunned almost as she was by his accusation. Neurons were firing at a rate that left her suffocated. 'Could this all be happening?' It was so surreal she barely believed in its basis in reality.
"Kill myself?" Were the only words she could manage in her state of shock. Lucas seemed confused by her response.
"Your note Peyton, you said you were leaving this life and there was nothing left for you here." He stated solemnly as a tear started to drift down his cheek.
This moment was so surreal, she almost had to laugh, but the sadness in Lucas' face let her know how much this had hurt him and just how serious he was. Her heart ached that it had caused him such pain, and leapt as the other words he had said to her started to sink in.
"I'm leaving Lucas, my dad took a job at a dock in LA and I'm going to live there with him. I'm sorry, but I had to get away from here after everything and…and us. I wanted to say goodbye but I just didn't think I'd find the strength to leave if I did. But I was never going to kill myself." Lucas looked visibly relieved and devastated at the same time as she emphasised the last part of her statement. His shoulders relaxed, but the look of hurt was still clear in his eyes.
"Oh" Was the only word he could manage once again, but this time Peyton only felt bad for what this whole thing had done to him. Then an anger returned that once again that was all he had to say once more.
"Is that all you can ever say? Oh? Oh? I need more than that Lucas because you're making this so hard. Did you mean any of what you just said or did you just say it because you were scared for me? I'm always going to love you, probably more than I'll ever love anyone, but I can't see you anymore, not when it's like this." She felt breathless now the words were out and her anger had dissipated. It was the last that she had to say on the matter unless Lucas could say something more.
Lucas looked stricken by her words, but they only seemed to calm him now. He took a deep breath, seemingly absorbing what she had just said as he calmed himself and prepared to speak.
"Peyton you can't leave me. I honestly don't know what I'd do without you. Despite everything that's gone on you've been a rock. We're each others shoulder to cry on and most of the time I can only find happiness in the moments I spent with you. I love you Peyton, it's always been you. I was just too hurt by our past to see it. You're the one I want next to me when all my dreams come true. Please don't…"
Before he could finish she had pressed her lips forcefully to his, feeling a kiss that she had wanted for the longest time. Hearing those words from him, it was all she could dream of for herself and more, as there lips parted once more and they looked tearfully into each others eyes.
"…don't leave." Lucas said hopefully. "I can't do this without you. I tried once before and I came back. I don't want to go through that again." He finished sadly.
"Never again" Peyton said brightly as she brushed the tears from his cheek before Lucas pulled her in again for the kisses she had missed for far too long.