So turn off the light

I dont know where the inspiration for this came frome. One minute I was sitting down thinking about pizza, the next POOF a surge of emotions I just had to right down.

This is the reasoni really love on-shots! There doesn't have to be a plot or an order, and it definatley doesn't need to make any sense!! And you can just write down feelings and emotions and stuff without need for much explantion or movement. It's coolbeans (Y)

Disclaimer: I own nothing supernatural; it all belongs to Eric Kripke and the CW

Let me sleep.

Let me lie here beneath the weight of the world and sleep, because all I want is rest, all I've ever wanted was rest. So shield me from the sun and from the dewy fingertips of morning, even though darkness lurks beneath the bed. Let me go on dreaming that one day I might be happy, even though I'm not sure such an emotion exists. Leave me to sink further into this lumpy mattress so that I can forget the way my heart aches with every broken beat; so that I can hide from the misery, desperation and death that constantly surrounds me, suffocating me, choking me. These tears that course through my veins are bitter, immobilising.

So turn off the lights and tuck me in, because it's not worth it anymore.

I've been trying my whole life to fix what evil breaks, to save what evil takes, and to destroy what evil makes. But it never stops, never ends, there's ever any time to just close my eyes and drift; never any time for my wounds to heal. I'm always bleeding, always bruised and broken and tired.

But the world never stops and evil never sleeps, so neither do I - even though all I ever want to do is lay down in the mud and let the rain fall. But I can't. I've got to fight – everything and everyone. I've got to stab and slice and punch and push until nothing and nobody that stands near me is left intact. I've got to make sure there's always a sly grin on my aching face and a distasteful comment to ward away everyone who supposedly loves me.

Because nobody loves me. Not really. They did once, they must have done. But it's been so long that I can't even remember what it feels like to be loved, accepted, or wanted. In my experience all love does is hurt me, knock me down and then leave so suddenly and unexpectedly that I never fully recover. But I lick my wounds and get on with it, even if I don't remember why life is the way it is, even if I can't remember why it matters that my heart should go on beating. No one else cares, so why should I?

To love someone is to want to protect them, watch over them, make sure they know you've got their back. To love someone is to never want to leave them, to hurt them or to betray them.

But everyone who loves me, leaves me. Mom, Dad, Sammy, Cassie…A better way to put that would be to say, everyone that I love leaves me. So now I hide my love, push it down deep where no one will be able to take it from me or exploit it.

And now I'm alone.

And I'm broken.

And so very, very tired.

Rough hands shake me before my eyes can fully close.

"Don't think I don't know what you're doing. Don't think I can't see straight through all your bullshit and lies and –

"Did you not just hear what I said Sam? Do I have to spell it out for you? Write it down maybe? No worries I'll send it to you in the post."

"Fuck you Dean, I can see what you're doing and it's not gonna work!"

"What exactly am I doing huh? I swear you ditched me to be a lawyer not a psychiatrist."

"Telling me that you don't want me around? That you're fine by yourself and that I should just piss off –

"- is the truth Sam, I don't need you."

The truth is I need you so much it scares me.

"No, it's just your way Dean. Your stupid, idiotic, IRIITATING method of pushing away the people that matter so that you don't get hurt when people leave!"

And they always leave.

"Well thanks for that analysis, I guess you want to kiss and make up, maybe shed a few tears and dance the night away?"

Like you'd even notice if my tears fell.

"No, I want you to stop pushing me away, stop rejecting me just because you think I might leave –

"Again? Like when you left before?"

You broke me, Sammy. Up and left me behind, like I meant nothing to you. Like I was no one.

"This isn't about the past or the future this is about now Dean! You think I can't see the pain you're in and the emptiness in your eyes; you think I don't notice your insecurities and the dubious wonder in your eyes when you wake up and I'm still here!"

You're still here…but for how long?

"You slap on some greasy smile and spew out a few sarcastic one liners so I don't see that you're just about ready to give up, so that you can hide your fear and your nightmares behind a mask of arrogance and false hope. But Dean, you must think I'm an idiot, that I didn't live with you for 20 years before college, and that I didn't study you like any little brother would!"

You're just digging the knife in deeper, Sammy.

"Well this has been nice, don't let the door hit you on the way out."

If you're gonna leave me at least do it on my terms, when I'm ready, when I'm prepared for the lonely nights and the burning heart ache that never dulls and never goes away. At least let me watch you walk out, as proof that I was right, that shielding my heart has all been worth it. Even though it still hurts.

"Dean, you're my brother man."

And you were mine, once.

I watch Sammy hurl his bag onto the bed, his jaw set stubbornly. Why does he have to make everything so difficult? He doesn't want this life, he wants stability and security and normality, everything I just can't offer him. He still has friends back at Stanford, he still has his brains and his education; he could be somebody, someone that matters. Instead he chooses to stay with me, a broken man with an empty space where my soul should be.

And I try to keep him out, to keep everyone out, 'coz if you let no one in then it doesn't hurt so much when – when – they leave. And all I want is for someone to stay, to love me, to watch my back.

But Sam left, and Dad followed.

And now all I want to do is sleep.

So let me sleep, Sammy.

"I'm not leaving you, Dean."

One day you will, and I'll be ready.

"I won't ever leave you Dean."

So turn off the light and tuck me in, 'coz it just aint worth it anymore.

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